Script for C&C.

[ginanubismon]

Perhaps I could do this better on my own but of course I cannot continue without first getting some kind of push if I can so it can be better (just like my "art".)

Anyway this is the concept of the game.



This is you, who is not for critism until final draft, Barbra Harris who is a toon character (obvivously) visiting her father Alex Harris -


This guy, who is not up for C&C yet until final draft.

- A human and a person constantly on the go, she starts off in the bus station talking to her mother before heading off to her father's place. While walking around she notices how the resident people are acting strange around her but she is use to it since she is a toon that lives in a human neighborhood back with her mother. Of course it all gets stranger and stranger as things start to spiral out of control and a secret about herself is discovered.

A few notes about the game concept:

This was originally meant to be a fangame starring Tiny Toon Adventure character Babs Bunny but later I kind of grew out of the concept as I created a brand new character with a background that fills in the role much more properly (and avoiding lawsuits and possibly sucking in the end). But as a kind of tonge in cheek joke I kind of made the main Character from Babs Bunny to Barbra Harris the Human/Skunkette who has a pink color (expect a lot of in-jokes like this) so bare with the ****iness.

I was going to plan on to work the game and write the script as I went to on to make the game, which I used a grammer/Spellchecker every once in a while but ended up just dumping this pile.

What do I need to be C&C is this: characterzation, pacing and the way to make it all much better in the new story of the game.

Thank you.

Chapter 1.

Scene 1. CHP1S1

[Interact with the door.]

Babs: I better call mom before going so she knows I made it here fine.

[Interact with the phone.]

Soundeeffcts: *Ring*.

Mrs. Bunny: Hello?

Babs: Hi, mom. It's your most loved and talented daughter is calling you to tell you I made it safely.

Mrs. Bunny: That is nice to here, dear. Remember to be nice to your father and be on your best behavior.

Babs: I will, I will.

Mrs. Bunny: Please be nice, all right sweetie.

Babs: Yeah, I will.

[Interact with the door.]

(Cut to Mr. Harris's house.)

[Interact with the note.]

Babs: (Reading) "Dear Babs, I had to leave for a small business venture.

Babs: (To herself) Typical.

Babs: (Reading) "Please go into town and find a Mr. Nick Anderson, he lives above a bookstore in town. The address is written on the back, I will be back soon.

[Leave the scene.]

(Cut to map.)

[Interact with Police station.]

(Cut to Front of Police station.)

[Interact with the doors.]

Babs: I have no reason to go in there.

[Leave the scene]

(Cut to the map.)

[Interact with the library.]

(Cut to the interior of Library lobby.)

[Step on region.]

Babs: *He is glaring at me with an unnerving anger, possibly an unnatural hate aimed toward me. I wonder why is he glaring at me?

[Talk with the librarian.]

Librarian: Hello, may I help you?

Babs: No, I was just walking around.

Librarian: All right then.

[Interact with the elevator.]

Babs: Out of order.

[Interact with the stairwell.]

Librarian: We just painted the stairs and the floors will not be open for the rest of the day.

[Interact with the door.]

SoundEffect: *Rattle, Rattle*

Librarian: The reading room is closed, the open hours are 10 Am to 5 PM, Monday thur Friday except on holidays.

[Leave the scene.]

(Cut to the map.)

[Interact with the Bookstore.]

Scene 2 CHP1S2

[Interact with the store front.]

(Cut to store.)

[Look at books.]

Babs: Strange and perhaps a paper sleeping pill.

[Interact with the books.]

Alice: Please do not manhandle the merchandise.

[Look at the special book.]

Babs: The arcane messiah; Saemul. Strange.

[Interact with the special book.]

Alice: Please do not touch that book, it is very expensive and hard to come by.

[Talk to Alice.]

Alice: Yes?

Babs: Is this Nick's place?

Alice: If you mean Mr. Anderson's bookstore then yes, what do you need?

Babs: I just need to know that this place is what my dad was talking about.

Alice: What is your purpose here?

Babs: *Judging by her tone she had hinted towards a sinister motive, I would had done a spin change and taunted her but there was that tiny, microscopic part of my brain held back.*

Babs: Because my, because Mr. Harris told me to come here and look for a guy named Nick Anderson.

Alice: I, see.

Babs: Well do you know where he is?

Alice: Upstairs, in his apartment.

[Interact with the front door.]

(Cut to the front of the store.)

[Interact with the side.]

(Cut to the back of the store.)

[Look at the stairs.]

Babs: *A normal set of stairs leading up into an apartment above the store.*

[Look at the window on the ground.]

Babs: I cannot see down there, the glass is too dirty.

[Interact with the door.]

SoundEffects: *Knock, Knock.*

Anderson: Who is it?

Babs: Babs Bunny, my "father" told me to come here to find you.

Anderson: Hang on.

(Cut to the living room of Anderson.)

Anderson: So, you must be Babs. Your father told me so much about you, he is proud of you.

Babs: Yeah, being a star finally caught his attention.

Babs: *Mutter.* Now. *Mutter.*

Anderson: Well he wishes he could be here but he said there had to be some work to be done,

Babs: I understand, he had been doing this since I was born and a lot when I visit.

Anderson: Do I detect a hint of ampithy in your tone?

Babs: Sorry, It usually happens whenever I talk about my "father."

Anderson: I see.

Babs: So, where did he go this time? Cairo? India? Africa?

Anderson: He is near by, inspecting several caves in the area, he should be back tomorrow but he told me he wanted me to watch you until then.

Babs: Why does he does this, I am sixteen years old. I can take care of myself, I did go around the world helping people.

Anderson: A very value point but that is best shared with your father, not me.

Babs: *Aloof, I always expected this from his "friends".*

Anderson: I had prepaired a guest room for the night, it's down that hall and towards the left. Dinner will be at seven, if you need anything just ask.

Babs: Understood.

(The scene opens on a dark room without any lights.)

Harris: (Voice over) What do you mean, Barbra is a very special girl.

Mrs. Harris: Well you made it sound so wrong, Alex. You speak like she's a, a thing.

Harris: I never meant that, what I meant is that Barbra is special in a different way. Trust me, she is going to be something.

Mrs. Harris: Alex.

Chapter 1 Scene 3 CHP1S3.

(Open on the Anderson Guest Room as Babs wakes up.)

Babs: Hmm? Morning already?

[Interact with the door.]

(Cut to Anderson's living room.)

Anderson: Hello, Babs. Your father had just called me, he said he would be home later tonight if you want to wait at the house. He told me to give you a key before you leave.

Babs: Well, thanks.

Anderson: I would walk you to your home but I have work to do here at the store, invatory is a bit backdated and there has to be deleveries to be delt with.

Babs: Well thanks, I can take of myself. Bye.

[Interact with the door.]

(Cut to the back of the store.)

Babs: Man, it feels good to get out of there.

[Interact with the side.]

(Cut to the front of the store.)

[Look at Alice.]

Babs: *She's glaring at me, just like everyone else in this town. But her eyes seem different then their's.*

Alice: What are you looking at?

Babs: Nothing.

[Interact with Alice.]

Babs: *I am not like that.*

[Talk to Alice.]

Dialog tree.

1. Who are you?

Babs: Who are you?

Alice: Alice Hammer, why?

Babs: Just curious.

Alice: Curiousity will get you into trouble around.

Babs: *And so does that attitude.*

2. Is there anywhere in this ghost town to have fun?

Babs: Is there anywhere in this ghost town to have fun?

Alice: Nope, this is a dead town.

Babs: Well how do you keep from dying of boredom?

Alice: You can't. I'm just waiting until I am old enough to leave.

Babs: How old are you?

Alice: 15.

Babs: And you are smoking?

Alice: So, want to make something of it?

3. Do you know why everyone in this town glares?

Babs: Do you know why everyone in this town glares?

Alice: You shouldn't asking questions like that, if you know what is good for you.

Babs: Just wondering.

Alice: I told you, curiousity gets you into trouble.

F. Bye.

Babs: Bye.

Alice: Yeah, bye.

[Leave the scene.]

(Cut to the Harris house.)

[Use the keys on the door.]

(Cut to the hallway.)

Babs: So, this is his new place?

[Interact with the first door on the right.]

(Cut to the living room.)

[Look at the mirror.]

Babs: There is nothing out of the ourdinary, maybe a chip in the corner but it's nothing.

[Interact with the mirror.]

Babs: I look good.

[Look at the table.]

Babs: Clean, and pretty bare.

[Look at the couch.]

Babs: It is very clean, but worn.

[Interact with the couch.]

Babs: Nothing.

[Interact with the couch again.]

Babs: Hmm? Feels like something solid and small.

[Interact with the couch one more time.]

Babs: It is an old key.

[Interact with the clock.]

Babs: The clock seem to have stopped, and there seems to be something written near some the numbers.

[Look at the clock.]

(Close up of the clock.)

[Leave the clock.]

[Interact with the door.]

(Cut to Kitchen.)

[pslim]

Before the C&C I want to say that it's awesome that you sat down and wrote a script for your game. It will probably make the rest of the process a lot easier and it shows that you really want to do a good job. Kudos.


Okay, C&C:


Let me start by saying that if I hadn't read your synopsis, I would have had no idea what was going on as I read the script. As it was, I had only a small idea.Ã,  Have you written an intro? If so, having it posted here might make the whole thing easier to evaluate.

Chapter 1.

Scene 1. CHP1S1

[Interact with the door.]

Babs: I better call mom before going so she knows I made it here fine.

[Interact with the phone.]

I'm not sure I understand why she calls her mother from the bus station rather than from her father's house. Her mother was worried about her being on a bus but not about her traveling alone on the streets? A well-lit, policed transportation institution is scary but a stroll through the city isn't?

And why must the player interact with the door and the phone to make this happen? These are rather straightforward activities and unless the phone is hidden, interacting with it after the character explicitly says she should call her mother is not really a puzzle. Maybe this could all be part of the non-interactive intro?

Babs: Hi, mom. It's your most loved and talented daughter is calling you to tell you I made it safely.

The "is" is redundant because it is contained in "It's", and so is the first "you" (because they both know who she's called and the next thing she says is "to tell you").

Mrs. Bunny: That is nice to here, dear. Remember to be nice to your father and be on your best behavior.

"here" should be "hear". Homophones, homophones, homophones.

Babs: I will, I will.

Mrs. Bunny: Please be nice, all right sweetie.

Babs: Yeah, I will.

I would switch Babs' two replies here. "Yeah, I will" sounds compliant and "I will, I will" sounds a bit frustrated, and it makes more sense if she is initially compliant and later frustrated by her mother's repetitive nagging than the other way around.

[Interact with the door.]

(Cut to Mr. Harris's house.)

Once again I feel that this is not really a puzzle and doesn't really require input from the player. There are no obstacles between her and the door and no question as to what she should do now, so letting the player have control of the character will only make them wander around the bus station screen trying to look at things and talk to people they can't look at or talk to, until they finally realize they have only once choice, which is to leave.

[Interact with the note.]

Babs: (Reading) "Dear Babs, I had to leave for a small business venture.

Babs: (To herself) Typical.

Babs: (Reading) "Please go into town and find a Mr. Nick Anderson, he lives above a bookstore in town. The address is written on the back, I will be back soon.

[Leave the scene.]

I'm still not sure what's going on. Why had she come to see her father in the first place? Is it odd that her father has told her to go find some guy she's never met, without telling her why? If not, why not? What was she expecting when she got there? Sending us out to find a guy we know nothing about for a reason we know nothing of is not going to motivate us to find out what happens. It's okay to be mysterious but we need to have some reason to care about solving the mystery.

(Cut to map.)

[Interact with Police station.]

(Cut to Front of Police station.)

[Interact with the doors.]

Babs: I have no reason to go in there.

[Leave the scene]

If that's all the interaction that's available at this point with the police station, why have it on the map? Loading up new areas only to discover that there are no interactions available to us other than "you can't go in and I'm not telling you why or giving you any idea as to when or if you'll be allowed to do anything in this screen" is frustrating and unnecessary.

(Cut to the map.)

[Interact with the library.]

(Cut to the interior of Library lobby.)

If she refuses to wander around the police station, but is fine with wandering around the library (instead of pursuing Nick Anderson) it's a bit counterintuitive. Unless you give us some clue, we don't know what the logic is behind this and not understanding the logic behind the way things happen in a game makes the game frustrating and more difficult than it needs to be.

[Step on region.]

Babs: *He is glaring at me with an unnerving anger, possibly an unnatural hate aimed toward me. I wonder why is he glaring at me?

In two sentences, you've reiterated three times that he's glaring at her. Once is really enough. I'm also not sure why she feels confident about the "unnerving anger" but not quite sure about the "unnatural hate". Also, "unnatural hate" is pretty gosh darned extreme and sounds kind of strange in this context.

[Talk with the librarian.]

Librarian: Hello, may I help you?

Babs: No, I was just walking around.

Librarian: All right then.

Why are we able to talk to her if all we can do is say we don't want to talk to her?

[Interact with the elevator.]

Babs: Out of order.

[Interact with the stairwell.]

Librarian: We just painted the stairs and the floors will not be open for the rest of the day.

[Interact with the door.]

SoundEffect: *Rattle, Rattle*

Librarian: The reading room is closed, the open hours are 10 Am to 5 PM, Monday thur Friday except on holidays.

[Leave the scene.]

Again you've given us a room full of things we aren't allowed to do. Why? If you're going to go to the trouble of writing out descriptions, why not write something that will be satisfying for someone to read instead of things that will just frustrate the player?

[Look at books.]

Babs: Strange and perhaps a paper sleeping pill.

I like the idea of what you've said here, but I would suggest rephrasing it to something that makes a bit more sense in English. You're wanting to conjure the image of the sedative effects of a sleeping pill, not the actual physical pill, which has really no relation to the books she's looking at.

[Interact with the books.]

Alice: Please do not manhandle the merchandise.

Up until this point I didn't think of Babs as someone who went around manhandling things. It's more likely that what the player had in mind when they attempted to interact with the books was something else entirely. If Babs simply reaches for the book, I can't imagine Alice would leap to stop her--it's a bookstore after all. You can't sell a lot of books if you don't let anyone touch them.

[Look at the special book.]

Babs: The arcane messiah; Saemul. Strange.

Why? What's strange about it? Why did Babs take particular notice of that book? What are the other books about that makes that one so different? Without some elaboration it's impossible for the player to know how to interpret this remark, and the significance of the book in the context of the game is very unclear.

[Interact with the special book.]

Alice: Please do not touch that book, it is very expensive and hard to come by.

Er, but doesn't she want to sell it? Is it on a pedestal in a glass case for display or something? If it's not for sale, why doesn't Alice say so? Is Alice treating Babs differently than she would treat another potential customer? If so, it's vital that you communicate that to the player in some way, at the start of their interaction.

Babs: I just need to know that this place is what my dad was talking about.

Babs sounds stilted and awkward here. I don't get the impression that this is part of her characterization, but if it is, ignore this part. ;)Ã,  In any case, I would have her say something that sounds more natural, like, "I just need to know if this is the place my dad mentioned."

But I have to ask--why is Babs immediately spilling the beans about her dad's instructions to Alice, whom she's just met and who hasn't been very helpful so far? Is Babs the sort of person who tells everyone everything? If so, this is something the player should know beforehand, or at the very least something that they should be able to determine based on this interaction.

Alice: What is your purpose here?

Babs: *Judging by her tone she had hinted towards a sinister motive, I would had done a spin change and taunted her but there was that tiny, microscopic part of my brain held back.*

Babs: Because my, because Mr. Harris told me to come here and look for a guy named Nick Anderson.

This exchange is redundant. Babs already told Alice what she was doing there. The fact that she now names her father is not enough of a reason to pad the interaction. Also, why does she now stop herself from saying Mr. Harris is her father when she already told Alice that it was her father who told her to come there? The cat is out of the bag, isn't it?

It's also confusing because apparently Babs is wanting to be discreet, yet she doesn't hesitate to tell Alice the exact truth. Which is it?

Also, regarding Alice's tone--this is not something that we should have to be told. This should be shown through the words Alice chooses. If we can't pick it up from what Alice says, we won't believe that Babs could, either.

Alice: I, see.

No need for the comma. If you want Alice to pause (as in incredulity or indecision), use elipses (as in, "I... see.").Ã,  If you want her to express blatant disbelief or derision, use a period (as in, "I. See.").

Babs: Well do you know where he is?

Alice: Upstairs, in his apartment.

It's hard to tell what Alice's motivation is. If she's perfectly willing to tell Babs where he is, why didn't she just tell her without being asked? It's a logical assumption that if Babs came there looking for him she's going to want to know where on the premises he is. However, if Alice is playing hard to get because she doesn't like Babs, why is she so straightforward with her answer once she's asked? Make sure you know where Alice is coming from and then try to express that through the way she behaves and the words she chooses. Otherwise the player won't know, either.

[Interact with the front door.]

(Cut to the front of the store.)

[Interact with the side.]

(Cut to the back of the store.)

[Look at the stairs.]

If his apartment is reachable only from the outside I would suggest showing us an outside view of the bookstore before we enter it the first time. So far when we've left places it's taken us straight back to the city map, so a logical player may very well stand around inside the bookstore clicking obscure pixels trying to find a way to some stairs, not realizing that this location is an exception to the straight-back-to-the-map rule. However if we knew that there were stairs outside we might try that sooner and be less frustrated.

Babs: *A normal set of stairs leading up into an apartment above the store.*

First of all, we don't know what is "normal" to Babs, and having her describe them would give us some sense of who she is. Second, if there's really nothing worth saying about the stairs why have you said anything about them? Presumably the drawing will be clear enough for us to make out that they are indeed stairs and that they go up rather than down. We can also assume they go to the aforementioned apartment. Given that, you haven't told us anything we didn't already know. If you're going to go to the trouble of setting up this interaction, tell us something new and useful.

Babs: Babs Bunny, my "father" told me to come here to find you.

The comma should be a period (or I suppose a semicolon would do), as these are actually two complete sentences. "(It is) Babs Bunny. My "father" told me to come here to find you."

Also, about the word choice--the emphasis with this sentence structure is that her father told her "to come here". This is not the most important information. The most important information is that her father told her to find Mr. Anderson. That he happens to be here and that her father happened to give her directions is not really relevant.

It can still be mentioned, but the emphasis should be on the person, not the location, as in, "My father sent me to find you here." (I don't really like the "here" part of that, but if you must include it, that's how you might do it without overemphasizing it.)

Anderson: So, you must be Babs. Your father told me so much about you, he is proud of you.

"You must be <so and so>" is what someone says if they have deduced the identity of a person. Anderson was told, by Babs, that Babs was Babs, so he has not deduced anything.

If he's the sort of person who takes credit for everything regardless of whether they deserve it, then I suppose he might say something like that... but if that's the case we need to understand this about him or it won't make sense.

If that's not the case, he should say something like, "So you're the Babs I've heard so much about."

Babs: Yeah, being a star finally caught his attention.

This is phrased somewhat ambiguously. It makes it sound like her father is the star. If she means herself, she should say something like, "Yeah, my being a star."

Also--she's a star? What kind of star? Why were we not told this before? How big of a star could she be if people don't recognize her, and instead seem to have a strong, inexplicable dislike for her?

Anderson: Well he wishes he could be here but he said there had to be some work to be done.

More information we already know. If he's going to make some statement to this effect, make it illuminate something new for us. For example, we don't know if this is true or not. If it is, the way to show that would be to have him give some particular detail that sounds genuine, like, "Well, he wishes he could be here but a new client demanded that he close the deal this weekend and he couldn't get out of it."

If it's a lie and her father is off doing something else, Anderson could phrase it more like, "Well, of course he wishes he could be here, but he's really busy with a work. Thing. Er. Ahem, would you like some tea?"

Another way to indicate that someone is lying is to have them give too much information, so that they sound anxious to convince the person who wasn't even suspicious to start with.

Babs: I understand, he had been doing this since I was born and a lot when I visit.

Instead of "had been doing", "has done" sounds more natural in this instance.

Anderson: Do I detect a hint of ampithy in your tone?

Ampithy? Perhaps you mean "antipathy"?

Also note that "antipathy" is not a word the majority of English-speakers would toss into casual conversation. It's perfectly fine for some character types, but consider that Anderson's usage of the word here at the beginning of this interaction will immediately suggest that he's the sort of person who would use "antipathy" casually, so be sure that that's what you want.

Babs: Sorry, It usually happens whenever I talk about my "father."

In regard to pacing, at this point I'm starting to feel that we should have at least a hint about why there are quotations marks around the word "father" (especially considering that there weren't any when she discussed him with her mother). If it's simply that she dislikes him, they're unnecessary and confusing. If he is not really her father, or for some reason she doesn't view him as her father, by this point I think we need to have at least some clue about why.

Anderson: He is near by, inspecting several caves in the area, he should be back tomorrow but he told me he wanted me to watch you until then.

"near by" = "nearby"

The comma after "area" should be a period.

Why does she need someone to "watch" her? She took a bus all by herself, explored the city all by herself, was sent on her own to an unfamiliar bookshop by her father, and now she needs babysitting? If her father thought she needed babysitting, why didn't he send Anderson to pick her up from his home instead of sending her wandering the streets to find him?

Babs: Why does he does this, I am sixteen years old. I can take care of myself, I did go around the world helping people.

"Why does he do this" is the correct usage there. Also, this is either a genuine question (in which case it should get a question mark) or it's a rhetorical question, in which case it would make more sense with an exclamation point. If she's an understated sort of person you could get away with a period, but it definitely needs to be separate from "I am sixteen years old" either way.

"I can take care of myself" and "I did go around the world helping people" are both complete sentences, so they should be separated by either a period or a semicolon. I would go with semicolon myself, as it more closely relates the two sentences (and they're very closely related ideas) but a period would work just fine.

Anderson: A very value point but that is best shared with your father, not me.

"Valid" point. "Value" is a noun and what you're looking for there is an adjective.

Babs: *Aloof, I always expected this from his "friends".*

Again, why the quotes? She doesn't really believe that her father and Anderson are friends? Also, "I always expected this from his friends" suggests that she's thought about it for a long time but never had the opportunity to test her hypothesis--that is, that she's never met any of his friends. If that's true it's fine, but it would help if the player got some of this information.

Anderson: I had prepaired a guest room for the night, it's down that hall and towards the left. Dinner will be at seven, if you need anything just ask.

Here you have four complete sentences and only two periods. Both of your commas should be periods.

Babs: Understood.

Is Babs mocking him? A minute ago she sounded like a fiesty teenage girl and now she sounds like an army sergeant. She just got through expressing her dislike for his aloofness and now she's being aloof? Her motives for saying "understood" need to be clear to the player.

Harris: (Voice over) What do you mean, Barbra is a very special girl.

Is he asking her or telling her?

It's difficult to understand what you mean here. A couple of possibilities that come to mind:

1) Mrs. Harris has told him that Babs is special and his response is blankly repeating what she's told him as a question: "What do you mean, 'Barbra a very special girl'?"

2) Mrs. Harris has expressed dismay by what he's told her before the start of the scene and he's defending Babs by calling her special. "What do you mean? Barbra is a very special girl."

In either case it needs to be clear what his intention is because it's all we have to go on. We didn't get in on the beginning of the conversation, so we don't have any context clues yet.

Harris: I never meant that, what I meant is that Barbra is special in a different way. Trust me, she is going to be something.

Mrs. Harris: Alex.

I have no idea what Mrs. Harris sounds like when she says her husband's name here, or what she means. Consider other punctuation possibilities that are more expressive:

"....Alex?"Ã,  Ã, <-- meek inquiry. He couldn't really have meant what he said, could he?

"Alex!"Ã,  Ã,  Ã,  Ã, <-- An assertive expression of indignation, anger, exasperation, or fear.

"Alex...!"Ã,  Ã,  <-- A shocked or helpless expression of any of the above.

"Alex?!"Ã,  Ã,  Ã, <-- A demand for further explanation.

Anderson: Hello, Babs. Your father had just called me, he said he would be home later tonight if you want to wait at the house. He told me to give you a key before you leave.

Another one of those two-complete-sentences-separated-by-a-comma situations. In this case, a period, a semi-colon, or a dash (as in, "Your father just called me--he said he would be home later tonight, if you want to wait at the house.")

Also, "had just called me" would be used he he were referring to the past, and an event that happened earlier than the events of the story he was relating, as in, "Earlier this morning I was getting out of the shower and then I remembered I hadn't told you that your father had just called me." What you want is a reference to an event taking place in the recent past, as in, "Your father just called me" or "Your father has just called me."

Anderson: I would walk you to your home but I have work to do here at the store, invatory is a bit backdated and there has to be deleveries to be delt with.

invatory = inventory
delt = dealt
deleveries = deliveries

And the comma should be a period, semicolon or --.

Babs: Well thanks, I can take of myself. Bye.

Thanks? For what?

If she's being sarcastic it would be clearer if you added a "but," as in, "Thanks, but I can take care of myself."

Babs: Man, it feels good to get out of there.

Why? We have a vague inkling of why this might be (Anderson is her father's friend, he is aloof, she doesn't like her father, she doesn't need to be looked after) but not nearly enough information to be able to interpret this remark. For all we know it could be that Babs hated the decor. We really know nothing about what happened while she was there.

After all, she may be indignant about her father's insisting that she stay with Mr. Anderson, but we saw absolutely no indication of Mr. Anderson's treating her like a child. He only had two real opportunities, and he didn't take either of them--he didn't scold her for bad-mouthing her father, and he didn't insist on walking her home. It seems so far that he's just letting her stay at his house as any other houseguest would. So why is she eager to get away?

[Look at Alice.]

Babs: *She's glaring at me, just like everyone else in this town. But her eyes seem different then their's.*

their's = Ã, theirs

This is another show-don't-tell situation. In storytelling, it is always better to show us something than it is to tell us something.

"Show, Don't Tell" is one of the fundamental pillars of writing--any sort of writing--theory. It was put best, I think, or at least most compellingly, by Mark Twain when he said, "Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream." It's a wonderful image and it's something I call up from my memory continuously when I'm writing, to make sure I'm on the right track.

Don't say everyone's glaring at Babs. Bring them on and let them glare.

If one person glares, we assume they've got some sort of problem. If two people glare, we think, "Boy, this is an unfriendly town." If you want to give the impression that everyone is glaring, everyone needs to glare. Simply telling us in no way makes up for the fact that we haven't been shown.

[Interact with Alice.]

Babs: *I am not like that.*

If this is meant to be a joke it should be... well, funny. Ã, 

"Even if I were that way, I wouldn't touch her."

If it's not meant to be a joke, it doesn't make a lot of sense because the chances of the player actually intending something sexual when they use the interact cursor on Alice are very low.

1. Who are you?

Babs: Who are you?

That's a strange question to ask someone you've already had a conversation with. "Who are you?" implies that Babs knows absolutely nothing about Alice, which isn't the case. If she wants to know something specific (such as her name), she should ask that, specifically.

Alice: Curiousity will get you into trouble around.

Babs: *And so does that attitude.*

First of all, what does Alice mean? Is this meant to foreshadow a situation in the future where Babs' curiosity does get her into trouble? Or is Alice threatening to start some trouble if Babs doesn't stop being so curious? Or, finally, is there reason for Alice to think that curiosity might really cause trouble for Babs? Certainly Alice won't say any of these things explicitly, but the way she makes this comment should suggest the reason behind it.

Secondly, is Babs contemplating violence against Alice? That would seem to me to be the only way that Babs could know for sure that Alice's attitude will get her into trouble. If Babs is a violent sort, we should be told somehow, because it's not obvious. If she isn't, her comment doesn't make much sense.

Babs: Is there anywhere in this ghost town to have fun?

Alice: Nope, this is a dead town.

Perhaps you could make Alice's reply less redundant, and more expressive of her personality? Babs has already created the "ghost town" image, and "dead town" is virtually the same thing, so does it really need to be repeated when you could use that reply to tell us something you haven't already said?

Babs: Well how do you keep from dying of boredom?

Alice: You can't. I'm just waiting until I am old enough to leave.

There's nothing technically wrong with this exchange. However, Alice's first sentence ("You can't [keep from dying of boredom]") directly contradicts her second one, which states the she will one day leave. If she's going to leave, that means she won't be dead of boredom, and if she doesn't end up dead of boredom, her statement that not dying of boredom is impossible is obviously not true. Clearly the "dying of boredom" thing is a metaphor and not meant to be taken literally, but stopping it right there is jarring because it leads to a direct logical contradiction.

Alice: You shouldn't asking questions like that, if you know what is good for you.

Babs: Just wondering.

Alice: I told you, curiousity gets you into trouble.

More stuff we already know. Alice repeats her original position on curiosity twice here, and Babs' intermediate statement doesn't tell us anything about either of them. This entire arm of the dialogue tree is superfluous as it now stands.

[Leave the scene.]

Why does talking to Alice cause us to leave the scene?

So far the player has had almost no illusion of control over the events. In all instances there was only one viable course of interaction, and now you're taking even that way from them by teleporting them directly to the location at which you've planned the next cutscene.

Babs: There is nothing out of the ourdinary, maybe a chip in the corner but it's nothing.

ourdinary = ordinary

If there's nothing out of the ordinary, why mention it? Is there or isn't there a chip? She's looking right at it, she ought to know.

Also, she seems to be a relatively typical (on the inside) 16 year old girl so far. I find it hard to believe that that's all she would have to say about a mirror. Surely she has some opinion about her hair or her complexion?

[Interact with the mirror.]

Babs: I look good.

Why does interacting with the mirror, rather than looking at it, give this message? Is she primping? If so, will there be an animation? If not, we need to be told that she's primping.

Also, "I look good," is not very expressive. If it's said with attitude, use asterisks (or something else) to emphasize certain syllables, as in, "I look *good*." Ã, Just seeing "I look good" all by itself makes her sound like a monotonal zombie.

[Look at the table.]

Babs: Clean, and pretty bare.

[Look at the couch.]

Babs: It is very clean, but worn.

Surely she has some opinion about all of this. She has strong opinions about her father, after all. How is the cleanliness and the worn, bareness of his furniture related to his personality, and how does she feel about it?

[Interact with the couch.]

Babs: Nothing.

"Nothing," will make most people stop trying, particularly given all of the dead-end, "I can't/don't want do that," interactions that have been available so far. If you want them to keep trying you should probably give them a hint that there's a reason for them to do so.

[Interact with the couch again.]

Babs: Hmm? Feels like something solid and small.

[Interact with the couch one more time.]

Babs: It is an old key.

After she feels it, why does she need to be told to pick it up? Wouldn't it be more efficient just to have her take the key as soon as she is able to get to it?

[Interact with the clock.]

Babs: The clock seem to have stopped, and there seems to be something written near some the numbers.

How is this message related to interaction? Does she have to touch the clock to notice that it's stopped and that there's something written on it? Won't she see those things if she looks at it?

-----snip-----

[pslim]

----snip----


You've put a lot of work into this script, ginanubismon, and I think that's really great. It's especially good since it will give you an opportunity to revise it before you start working on the game, so that you can be sure you have a plot that works before you put in a bunch of time and effort on artwork and scripting.

I think the story (what I can discern of it) is interesting, and I'm curious to see how it will play out.

In my opinion, the main issues with what you have so far are:

--Almost no player autonomy. It basically goes from cutscene to cutscene with no real puzzles and very limited opportunities for interaction. What little interaction is available yields almost no information about the plot, the setting, or the characters.

--Pacing. We still have absolutely no clue what's going on by the time this portion of the script has ended. There need to be hints and tantalizing tastes situated at regular intervals so that the player never loses interest or becomes confused by interactions where all of the characters know more than he does. I realize that you don't want anyone to solve the mystery too soon, but you are in total control over what information the player receives, so as long as you don't give them all the pieces, they won't be able to figure it out. That shouldn't stop you from giving them some of the pieces, though. If you don't, they won't have any reason to care what happens next.

--Repetition. You have quite a few interactions mapped out here but precious little character or story illumination happening. When there is a concept you want the player to get, you seem to have people say it over and over again, rather than using each interaction to subtly add another brush stroke to the picture you're wanting to paint. Not only will this method make us dread interacting with things because we know we're going to get beaten over the head with stuff we already know, but it isn't nearly as effective as proving these things to us through example. Your Show Vs Tell problem is directly related to the reptetition and you could solve them both by trying to add some new detail about the characters or the plot with each interaction.


The story seems pretty interesting and original so far, but I can't say much more than that because I don't really know what's going on or where it's all going to come out in the end.Ã,  8)


I hope this helped, and I hope it didn't come across as too harsh.Ã,  I also hope you keep at it and end up finishing the game.Ã, 

[DonB]

Why... why a foxy girl with cloths, whyyyyyyyyyyy lol, tho its logical she wears cloths, cause her father is a human :S

tho its nice mate.. only personally i dont like that i can see towards your whole dialog, i will know it now already, i think dialogs should be kept secret until game is released.