This is a very short poem I wrote after the tsunami disaster, basically saying that no matter what we do, nature will always be more powerfull than us, and we should realise it.
It's called Warning
We can fight back with new invention
But heed warning from the past
No matter what our intervention,
Nature laughs last
It's meant to be short and powerfull, any critique or opinions would be great
I like it, the last line especcially, it's powerful. Keep it up :)
My experience is that aspiring poets tend to have a good sense of rhymed couplets (or ABAB format), but pay much less attention to meter, consonance, assonance, and word choice.Ã, I commend to you, e.g., Seamus Heaney's Beowulf, Shakespeare's sonnets and blank verse, and e.e. cummings.
To be more pointed:
9 beats
7 beats
9 beats
4 beats
The last line is misssing three beats to its meter.
. . . | . . . | .
. | . | . . |
. | . | . | . | .
| . | .
That's what your rhythm looks like in terms of stressed and non-stressed beats. Do you notice how uneven it is? Is there a reason for that -- be honest with yourself. Divergence from natural rhythms is justifiable when it's meant to prove a point -- a missing beat can be very powerful. But chaos is useless.
Do you really think "intervention" and "invention" are poetic words?Ã, Anglosaxon is probably the most poetic etymology for English.Ã, Latinate words like that are much prosier.
Are we really "fighting back"?Ã, Note that the second line scans right now as "but [we can] heed warning from the past."Ã, Consider inserting "must" where grammatically "we can" is being implied.
English naturally falls into iambic rhythm.Ã, I find iambic tetrameter (i AM, i AM, i AM, i AM) to be the easiest form for starting out.
Anyway, nice start, just some things to think about.
Not only are intervention and invention boring words to use in a short poem like this, making them rhyme is pretty awkward actually.
If i may be so bold i say, i like it, it reminds me of the beatnik poetry in grim fendango, but in a GOOD way,