New Poem

[Oliwerko]

Hi guys, I have refined this one many many times and I now think it's almost perfect. Now it's your turn to show me why it sucks balls.
Go agead, please:

NUTS

I can't live this way anymore.
My mind's sick to its core.
I feel the swell in all my guts.
I'm nuts.

My mind has long way strayed,
there's no way I could return back,
the highest price is paid,
my relations are fading black.

Reality is far away,
I'm losing touch now, anyway.
I have no clue what to do,
I've left myself some things to screw.

The only one I've got is you.
You're the only that can see me through.
Sadly, this is nothing new.
I'm all time-nuts, now that is true.

I fear I will lose you too.
I've got no way, I've got no cue.
I've got few days left. Very few.
My world is losing hue.

I don't know what to think.
I tripped and began to sink.
Sadly though, I cannot swim.
This is bad, now. This is grim.

I can run though I stand still.
I can be fine though I am ill.
I feel the danger, I feel the thrill.
This will be my final drill.

I hear your words like whisper bits.
I see your smile like goodbye gifts.
I feel your fingers like deep cuts.
I'm nuts.

I see you fade out in the distance.
I question my very own existence.
I can no more take resistance.
I have lost my subsistence.

I feel I've lost touch,
I feel I've lost my sight.
This is all just way too much.
God, I hope that I'm not right.

Your smile slowly fades away.
I don't know people anymore.
I'm confused and so are they.
I have a headache and my eyes are sore.

I don't know how this will turn out.
I can't run and I can't shout.
I will try my very best.
I'm helpless and I'm stressed.

I fear this will be end.
My mind will with gray blend.
I fear this thing won't mend.
Let's live like nothing, let's pretend.
I wish I've had more time to spend.

Wish me luck, my friend.


--
Any feedback appreciated!

[Trihan]

I'm going to refrain from the usual critique people I know give poems like this. (omg another emo poem). The only real issue I have is one that I myself suffer from when writing poems, and that's places where you seem to have sacrificed the meaning for the sake of the rhyme. Especially the following lines:

"my mind has long way strayed" fits the metre, but sounds awkward and breaks the flow a bit. Same thing with "my relations are fading black"

"I've left myself some things to screw" Doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the paragraph. There are a variety of things it could mean, but ultimately it makes that part a bit murky (which is possibly what you were going for)

"I hear your words like whisper bits" The bits there doesn't flow right, and also doesn't rhyme very well with gifts. I know that poetry doesn't always have to rhyme, but you've used "true" rhymes everywhere else throughout and this bit looks strange.

Those are the biggest issues I have with it, really. All in all I like the tone of it.

[Andail]

Sorry, but I can't take this poem seriously. It feels like something South Park would write to mock goths.

My advice is that you write something shorter, without rhymes (because, frankly, the rhymes in this poem don't work), and without all the stereotypical emo-jargon.

How about a simplistic reflection on something/someone in your surroundings, a tree, a house, a friend, a family member. Just stack some adjectives, see what happens.

[bicilotti]

I like the rhymes; I won't judge the theme because frankly I've never cared about themes, though I think the topics of your previous ones where better suited.
Also, from a lexical point of view I find it a bit dry (and since I'm a non native english speaker that may be a problem).

Fact is I enjoyed reading it from the beginning to the end, so thumbs up!

[Oliwerko]

Thanks for feedback, as usual you opened a new dimension of view on this one.

So what I should do is don't sacrifice meaning over rhymes and toss that emo style Andail mentioned, I guess.
Thanks again.

[Trihan]

There's nothing inherently -wrong- with the whole "emo style" per se, but it does seem to be pretty overdone.