Poem

[Andail]

Just a little piece I wrote for an English essay. It's meant to be a kind ambulatory poem, written in strict iambic quadrameter. Being a mandatory assignment, it's nothing too personal.

CLARITY

The chilly brook behind my house
leads to a tree where ravens nest
And in the shade of solid boughs
I sometimes choose to take my rest

But not today (a day in June)
Today I need to swiftly move
By quick-paced strides I'm set in tune
and find my track, my route, my groove

For every step a thought is placed
and neatly sorted in my mind
And memories revived, retraced
allow me to in peace unwind

Some thoughts are fuelled by Intellect
- though some may need to be refined
Yet others gain from strict neglect
best left alone inside my mind

For every step another tree
- just like the rocks devoid of name -
flies by, runs by, outside of me
forgotten soon, but still the same

I pass a cottage where I stay
just briefly for a cup of tea
of camomile or plain Earl Gray
- It makes no difference to me

Then off again, to reach the lake
that constitutes my goal this day
It is on normal days opaque
from all its bottom mud and clay

But lo! Today brought clarity
as clear as thoughts and lakes can be.

---
Opinions?

[chapter11studios]

Nice work. It reads really well and has some interesting turns of phrase. Vivid, too. Here's the one part that didn't work for me:

For every step a thought is placed
and neatly sorted in my mind
And memories revived, retraced
allow me to in peace unwind

The last line there feels forced. "In peace unwind" goes a little too Yoda-speak for me, whereas all the other lines use normal word order.

Just my two cents. Thanks for sharing.

[TheYak]

I'd agree with the anti-Yoda speak, but such restrictive versing makes it difficult to sound natural.  Maybe "Lets me peacefully unwind" . . .

I don't comprehend poetry well, but this one kept my interest by mixing with images in my own head to put me in the author's spot.  The only verse that bit me in the ass was the tea portion - It makes no difference to me.  That segment felt like too much elaboration in order to maintain the rhyme scheme.  My sympathies for mandatory iambic meters.

[Afflict]

I like it its like that stuff they made us study in high school 

as for the yoda talk I read it again and it was even better!
No really I really like it.