Vincent's Night: A Screenplay (Major C&C Needed)

LGM · Sun 02/05/2004 16:08:13

Okay.. I've been working on this script for about a year now, off and on. The people that have read it haven't really given me any REAL criticism. They usually never finish it, or tell me it's just "good".

But I want the opinions of you smart, witty, and colorful people. This is my first REAL attempt at a screenplay, and I really want some honest critiscism. I want to know your comments and ideas for new scenes, character development, etc.

If you notice any plot-holes or out-of-character actions, please let me know so I can fix it..

Please don't let this post fall into oblivion

Vincent's Night

Renal Shutdown · Sun 02/05/2004 16:12:55

I critiqued it the first time round, and you piffed me.
Will give it another read, tho.

Hugs
Iqu

EDIT:
Bloody PDF files..

EDIT II:
Piffed.. as in "Pfft.. your opinion is as valuable as your clothes, you horrible street urchin"

LGM · Sun 02/05/2004 16:15:32

I piffed you? I don't exactly know what it means.. but if it's something bad I did, sorry :-p

It's been rewritten since you last read it.. So thanks again

EDIT
Ah, That's what piffed meant.. Sorry, I guess I did that cause it was "In Production" and I didn't want to change anything.. but we all know how that fiasco went.. Anyways.. I won't piff you this time around.. Everyone's opinion is valuable!!

.. · Sun 02/05/2004 17:08:04

I'm reading it at the mo. Sounds realyl good. I'll post some more completed C&C When i'm finished, do you want to know about spelling mistakes or not?

LGM · Sun 02/05/2004 18:25:36

Sure.. Grammar, Spelling, anything.

Evil · Sun 02/05/2004 20:54:47

Sounds like another Trapped to me.

Just kidding!

LGM · Sun 02/05/2004 22:19:15

I still have that, coincidentally.. I should upload it and reveal it's crappiness to the world..

Evil · Mon 03/05/2004 00:40:13

Hoorah!

stuh505 · Mon 03/05/2004 00:45:39

Gryph,

can you just summarrize the plot in 300 words or something so we can read it over and let you know what we think overall?

Evil · Mon 03/05/2004 01:00:19

A kid has to kill some vampires. Thats... Seven words.

LGM · Mon 03/05/2004 01:01:19

Yea, I like that summary.. i really would like a critique on the whole work.. Not just a summary..

Thanks for the concern though.. It's not a very long script.. Only 38 pages.. 1/3 of a standard length script. It goes like that, honestly.

Renal Shutdown · Mon 03/05/2004 08:07:16

Um..
Remind me, is this a serious film like Interview.. or comedy like Buffy.. ?

[Cameron] · Mon 03/05/2004 09:56:32

It's great. Um... Can i make it? You see i happen to love directing and me and some friendsa at school make a short movie every so often. Can I? I wont sell it and youll get full credit. And if you wont ill send you a copy.

LGM · Mon 03/05/2004 13:55:34

Dude.. I'd love it if you made it.... But you'll have to let me rewrite it once more as a final draft.

If you really think you can pull it off, I'm all for you making it. Although I would've liked to direct it myself, I just don't think I could do this just yet.

Email me: andrew_edmark@hotmail.com and we'll get this sorted.

Thanks for you interest.

Layabout · Mon 03/05/2004 14:47:48

You should call this LGM vs the Vampires.

And the vampires have to be cockney british.

And the love interest should be introduced alot sooner.

Just some random thoughts.

Oh and some of the dialogue feels forced.

LGM · Mon 03/05/2004 15:05:08

LGM hah!. This character is the total opposite of me.

I was thinking of Lamont as being British.. but the others are all the same age as Vincent and come from the same area.

Any reccomendations on how Kara should be introduced?

And which dialog in particular seems forced?

Thanks for reading!

EDIT:
Oh, and Iqu.. Forgot to mention this earlier.. It's not necessarily serious, and not necissarly totally of the wall.. I kinda wanted to achieve a buffy feel.. Cause buffy was serious yet funny.

LGM · Tue 04/05/2004 14:57:57

*bump*

stuh505 · Tue 04/05/2004 17:05:04

Ok...I read it. As I suspected, there was no need to actually see the details of the story, because it was the major plot and design that is flawed in my opinion. I think it's aweful. There is no sense of mystery, no feeling of "I wonder what's going to happen." Without that feeling, there is no incentive for the reader/viewer to keep viewing/watching. On top of that, Vincent's character seems extremely generic. The vampires are not well thought out characters; their motives do not seem to make sense, and they don't seem to be mentally any different than regular boys. As a result their conversation suffers drastically. It reads like an equally bad version of "scary movie." I don't think there is any part of this story that could be salvaged and improved.

I hope that this scatching review doesn't cause you to become too discouraged. Remember it is the story that I am reviewing, not you...and I have no choice but to voice my honest opinion.

Ashen · Tue 04/05/2004 17:17:35

I disagree. Sure, some of the dialogue needs work, but over all I think it's pretty solid. I actually AM wondering what happens next, whether Vincent's note meant he'd walked out to get dusted, or whether he and Kara are starting an unlife togther with Lamont. As for the vampires not being mentally any different from regular boys, why would they be? I get the impression most of them are meant to be newbie vamps anyway.

Three things I would suggest changing:
1. Lamont's dialogue needs the most work - he's meant to be older, and you say you imagine him British, but he still sounds like a teenage American. Also, his last speech is a bit too much, too quick.
2. 'Lamont' is a bit too like 'Lestat', as a vampire name.
3. Maybe cut down the number of vamps, and give each of them more to do. They're kind of cyphers at the moment.

LGM · Tue 04/05/2004 22:36:19

stuh: I aprreciate your burtal honesty.. I am not discouraged, because it's your opinion. And this is my first true screenplay. I will get better, and I'm glad someone finally had the balls to critique it. Is there anything at all you like?

And as far as mystery and suspense, are there any scenes you would like to see added, changed?

Ashen: You're correct, they're all newbie vamps.. Lamont is the senior vamp.. And I don't think I want him to be British..

And yes.. I kinda didn't know what to do with the vampires.. But I didn't want just two of them.. I'm thinking about adding a sequence right after Mark spears the stake through Lamont's cheek.. instead of running upstairs (Which actually doesn't make much sense anymore) they try to escape, and are chased by Steve and Larry again.. But some chain of events could happen that would lengthen the story, and ultimately bring back the three to the house somehow..

I dunno.. Any ideas?

And just keep in mind.. This is a screenplay, and things can and WILL be changed..it's not a filmed movie..

Also.. I didn't like Lamont as a name either.. But I couldn't think of anything better.. Any suggestions on that??? :-p