Violin-based song (With singing)

[ManicMatt]

Hello!

I've had this song in the wings for ages. Vict0r and Nikolas will recognise it. The song is called "Breakdown", and my issue with the song is that it sounds to me like it's missing something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I figured it might be bass in the verses (Chorus is more or less fine), but I just can't get a bass to work with it! Also, disregard the piano jabs at the last chorus, it doesnt work and will be cut out in the end. If the song has an extra bit at the end as well, just pretend that's not there!

This song was made before "No one knows" and "Stuck Together".

Thanks for any feedback! That is, actual constructive feedback, thanks.

EDIT: Nikolas was kind enough to upload the song to his space!

www.nikolas-sideris.com/AGS/Breakdown.mp3

[Eigen]

First off I think the drum beat doesn't fit this at all. It's just very random. The chorus is pretty good though.
Overally the song sounds more like an instrumental piece and the vocals doesn't really fit, in my opinion. Maybe it would help if you sing a bit higher.


-Eigen

[Wellington]

The chorus is pretty good, but I can't make out most of the lyrics; enunciation might help. Also, what lyrics I could decipher were filled with ready-made phrases like "I need to turn a page," "pry myself away from you," "a part of something new." "And when I see her..." and so on.

If you'd like to post the lyrics here, I could try my hand at a meter-matched rewrite. I don't know how closely it would fit the tone you were shooting for, but it's worth a try, I think.