I got the idea from something I read on the net a while ago. The following are tips for any character that finds him or herself in a horror film. And if you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely.
1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.
3. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
4. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit unnormal behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
5. While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
6. If any animals, such as birds, pirahnas, spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.
7. In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
8. Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
9. If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it will be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
10. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).
11. When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above.
12. ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.
13. Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.
14. Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".
15. If you notice that the camera is slowly zooming in from behind you, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY.
* Never say: "I'll be right back"
C.
16. If you're black and not a well-known actor, you're probably going to die.
Quote from: undergroundling on Wed 02/07/2003 19:54:26
16. If you're black and not a well-known actor, you're probably going to die.
What's being black got to do with it?
17. Don't open any closed doors in dark hallways.
18. dont craw into sewers
In horror movies, the black guy seems to always die. I don't get it. But seriously, it's so true.
- Bryan
Quote from: undergroundling on Wed 02/07/2003 21:54:10
In horror movies, the black guy seems to always die. I don't get it. But seriously, it's so true.
- Bryan
its a bit like in star trek NG the new guy always dies or trys to blow the ship up :-\
Or how in the original series, the guy in the red shirt always dies on away missions.
19. When running away from a large explosion/collapsing building/other dramatic event, and being filmed doing it, make sure you say "Let's get out of here!", or the common variation "Let's get the hell out of here!". That way, you can sell the film to Hollywood and make B1G BUX!!
20. If you make it out of the horror film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.
21. If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
22. If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
23. always carry a chainsaw, a big chainsaw, one thats bigger then the other guys chainsaw, and then bring a large sword, in case you run out of petrol, and then always decapitate them. Did i mention to bring a chainsaw
Anybody seen 28 Days Later? Those soldiers reminded me of one of M0DS's movies... Not that I've actually seen them, but I've seen pictures.
Quote from: undergroundling on Wed 02/07/2003 22:39:25
Or how in the original series, the guy in the red shirt always dies on away missions.
isn't it the guy in the yellow shirt?
24. Never ever go into the basement.
25. never have sex, those are always the first to die or mutate then he/she kills you. UNless your into pain for pleasure.
26. ??? the thickest person always gets away, or the cute guy, so girls continue to watch the movie, cute girls always die afer thier clothes are ripped off.
27. In creepy castles always keep on you holy water and various articles that can be easily twisted into a religious symbol.
28. If it's St. George's day keep away from the gorgeous prinsess that looks like the witch in the picture on the wall of your family's creepy castle.
29. Corpses found in giant cooking pots and fireplaces are not really corpses.
30. Your half-dead crazy spouse is ALWAYS in the back of the car with something sharp.
31. Little innocent looking girls are not so innocent and will probably try to kill you.
#( hell, I can't remember) the most important of them all, never lose your virginity! (it's true. the virgins always survive
EDIT: damn it. It's already said
Quote from: Gemmalah on Thu 03/07/2003 13:50:56
isn't it the guy in the yellow shirt?
Nope, in the Original Series, the redshirts were Security (or engineering, like Scotty) and therefore always were the first to die. In TNG and all series thereafter, gold and red were reversed, so that red is now command, and gold is security/engineering/operations. :)
I watch too much Star Trek. ;)
Quote
26. ??? the thickest person always gets away, or the cute guy, so girls continue to watch the movie, cute girls always die afer thier clothes are ripped off.
Yes! Like in Thirteen Ghosts! Except Shannon Elizabeth wasn't killed. But still...BOOBIES!!! ;D
27. Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.
28. If you hear the music begin to get creepy, GET OUT OF THERE!
29. If you have a dream about something or someone either going insane or turning into a terrible monster, wake up and kill them immediately.
30. If an eccentric old gentleman does various things that make your life almost perfect and asks for seemingly nothing in return (especially if he tries to reinforce a deal by saying, "what do you got to lose?") kill him immediately, as he is Satan and is trying to steal your soul. (EDIT: In some cases, it might be an attractive young women in tight leather clothing)
31. If a wax figure in your basement kills your spouse, immeditely turn off all air-condidtioning.
Be sure to have a new and charged battery car... Cars in horror films can´t be switched on...
If the music rises and happen nothing... Alert... a death is close to come.
Quote from: terranRICH on Thu 03/07/2003 14:53:58
I watch too much Star Trek. ;)
;D
Quote
i can tell, i watch too much star wars, I'M A JEDI! really i'ts true, i'm realated to the guy sitting next to the guy who gets strangled by darth vader! BEAT THAT,
Horror movies, If you get attacked by an alien beast in outer space for the rest of mankinds sake DON'T come back to earth, the alien will follow you even if you saw it die
32. All mysterious bug bites lead to mutation.
33. Creepy statues WILL come alive and try to kill you.
34. Creepy paintings ALWAYS have a passage behind them.
35. Those weird looking eggs on the ceiling weren't laid by birds.
36. Don't go into the woods
37. Don't turn of the power to the containment unit
38. Keep the Keymaster away from the Gatekeeper
39. If you hear a voice calling for help, don't try to go and help them
40. If your boyfriend starts vomiting on his food before eating it and his teeth fall out and ears fall off, don't have a rumpy-pumpy session
41: If an annoying blonde guy says "Let's split up gang," and pairs you off with a talking dog and a guy who is always hungry... you're not in a horror movie, you're in something MUCH WORSE
42. If you're over-weight, you're going to die.
43. If you're a homosexual, you're going to die, or you are the star of the movie
Quote from: Femme Fatale on Fri 04/07/2003 12:31:48
35. Those weird looking eggs on the ceiling weren't laid by birds.
Amen to that.
44. If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.
45. Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.
Quite relevant to all this is the Chtulhu investigator survival tips:
Have you just inherited a mansion whose previous owner went mad, died horribly or simply vanished? Never ever sleep in the master bedroom, explore the unmapped caverns beneath the cellar and never try to find the source of that insane piping-sound going on at night. In fact, never ever visit the mansion in question.
Conduct investigations while the sun is still above the horizon. The common idea that night is the proper time for sneaking around and committing B&E is even deadlier than The Thousand-Faced Rotting Bubble-Person From Beyond ever could be.
Being illiterate is a good thing.
Yes, there is such a thing as too many tentacles.
Always bring a handgun, that way you can make sure that one of your friends will be in no shape to run when your group is chased by outer-dimensional hunting-creatures, thereby giving the horrible being something other than you to munch on. Hopefully.
Never become good friends with University professors. They are the living embodiment of trouble. In fact, watch out for people whose job is to read books, specifically old books, or tomes, as they like to call them. They always want help after having summoned The Horrible Horror with a Shady Reputation. Helping them will get you dead right quick or, at the very least, insane. Surreal happenings or outer-dimensional summoning may be commonplace in their lives; better not make it commonplace in your life.
Never date women who refer to themselves as cat-persons. Cuddly or not; the Cats from Saturn be damned!
Never go abroad. If you, for any reason, have to go abroad it better not be as a crewmember on an expedition.
Egypt and Antarctica kills off more investigators each year than cancer does.
Always bring explosives. Not pansy explosives like grenades instead bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousins wedding? Great! Just remember to pack the TNT. TNT is good for some many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples or horrible proto-masses. Failing that, TNT makes great firewood for your final bonfire.
Never join a cult or sect. Enough said.
Curiosity did not kill the cat. Some unspeakable horror did. Not only that, it also turned the cat inside out, had pseudo pods grow from every orifice imaginable, gave it a taste for human blood and made it six times larger than before. Now the cat is coming for you.
Stay well away from mountain cabins. Every mountain cabin comes with an obligatory psychopath. Some cabin-retailers may allow for the psychopath to be exchanged for an Unknown Horror Existing in Far to Many Dimensions. Beware cabins!
Try not to live your life in England or New England. In fact, you should probably move to Sweden, a country where Mythos activity seems to quite non-existent.
Avoid anything that can be associated with the words ancient, elder, forgotten etc. I cannot emphasize this enough. Contracting Ebola is far more enjoyable than being torn to pieces over the course of seven years by the Ancient Guardian-Monstrosity.
Make a distinction between Good Slime and Evil Slime. Good Slime does not really do anything except maybe make you disgusted. Evil Slime, on the other hand, tends to eat you, dissolve you, expand like there is no tomorrow, et cetera. A surefire way of distinguishing between Good Slime and Evil Slime is this:
When you see a pool of slime for the first time, ask yourself these questions. But before proceeding, take heed; Good or Evil, no slime at all is better.
1. Does it shiver, move about or show any other sign of having means of producing kinetic energy by itself? No? Then it is probably safe to assume that you are dealing with Good Slime.
2. Does it have countless mouths and bulging eyes? No? Good Slime.
3. Does it talk? No? Good Slime.
4. Do you feel threatened in any way by this slime? No? Good Slime.
5. Poke the slime with a pointy stick. Does it react? No? Good Slime.
6. Have any of your pets disappeared lately? No? If yes, can you see the bones of your pets inside the slime? Yes? Evil Slime.
7. Did the slime come from outer space? No? Good Slime.
When dealing with beings of incomprehensible power, tread lightly. If you suddenly decompose, burst into flames, explode or suffer otherwise along similar lines you know you have done something wrong.
On the other hand, if you deal with beings of incomprehensible power you are a right git and deserve nothing less. Steer well clear of Outer Gods, Elder Gods, Old Ones and their ilk.
If your Keeper asks you to print out a couple of new character sheets before the session begins you know trouble and death are afoot. Suggest that you play Dungeons & Dragons instead; a game where being resurrected doesn’t automatically turn you into The True Spawn of Evil.
Of course, following these pointers alone is not really enough to keep your investigator alive. Common sense along with a big dose of self-preservation is also needed, but often sorely lacking when it comes to investigators in a game of Call of Cthulhu. Good luck, and remember: even how dreary it may sound, spending your last years in a retirement home is far better than spending your last years in a mental asylum eating bugs.
Some quick rules of survival for the Delta Green Operative:
* Always carry one more magazine than you expect to use.
* The abandoned mine never is.
* Painstakingly sealed refrigerators in the Green Box are probably painstakingly sealed for a purpose.
* If in doubt, empty the magazine.
* Never let your less-than-sane colleague carry the explosives.
* An autopsy-room is not a "safe place".
* Any dark strangers offering you gifts and favors should be avoided like the plague.
* When contemplating ways to execute your mission : think "Overkill".
* Sleep is only a bad substitute for caffeine.
* Always save the last bullet for the moron who got you into this.
* If that moron isn't you, aim for the legs. If you're going to get eaten alive so is he.
* Any offer to let you "Experience the Other Dimensions" should be tactfully declined ... with a shotgun blast.
* If you have no social skills: try "physical interrogation".
* Reading books is for the colleague you keep locked up in the nice room with soft walls.
* There is no such thing as "too many guns".
* Gasoline. Refueling cars is only its secondary use.
* When you enter a government facility and the toilet-doors are marked: "Men", "Women" and "Other" you might want to reconsider your position.
* Old Nazis never die. Period.
* Wimps fondle guns. Real Men fondle Doomsday-devices.
-The aliens always have an alterior motive
-If the villain, when about to die, wants you to lean down to talk to him or have you take off his mask, never do it
-If the person is supernatural, judge their intentions by having them sign something. I've noticed that almost every time a demon or satan wants a pen, they simply flick their wrist and it appears in their hand.
Good supernatural beings will either magically sign it with their finger or just find a pen somewhere.
EDIT:Thought of another one
-If you're hiding above whoever is trying to find you, make sure you have all bloody wounds patched-up in a leakproof manner.
- Don't ever tell the evil vilain about the your loved ones. Do not even mention their names.
- Kill your pets. They will inevitably try to eat you.
-Don't follow bloody footsteps because whatever is at the end of them still has enough blood to kill you and will probably try to refill form you.
If you ever find youself confronted by an evil monster of any sort (includes inlaws & oversized tomatos), do one of 2 things
1. shoot it, shoot it, and shoot it again, then get a bigger gun, and shoot it, infact 2 words nuclear weapons, it worked in japan its bound to work here
2. or acuse it of sleeping with your mother, claim you have broken up. (there is no such thing as a horror/soap opera movie)
If your reflection starts to talk to you you're either drunk or are in big trouble
-Never rescue the damsil in distress. it leads to a painful death.
- Don't buy your kids toys that talk.
Or cymbal-bearing monkeys.
- When reading a tome on summoning demons, DO NOT recite any of the incantations out loud, no matter how funny they sound.
ALWAYS go upstairs.