A little bit about me and why I'm worthless.

[Trihan]

Why am I posting this topic on a forum centered around the indie adventure games community? Who knows. As of this sentence, I don't even know what I'm going to say.

Suffice to say that while I acknowledge that there are many people around the world who lead far worse lives than I do (in third world countries especially, I'm not arrogant enough to even imply that I have it worse than some poor starving kid in the middle of nowhere who might not live past 5) but my life SUCKS.

First of all, I'm more or less stuck in my job. It isn't exactly dead-end, but I really have no choice but to stay there. There isn't really anything else going around here, and I have neither the money nor the time to move. Even if I did, I'd then have to find a job wherever I moved to before I ended up homeless.

I'm more or less hopeless socially. Sure, I have "friends", I go out, but there's always that little niggling voice in the back of my mind that says they're only putting up with me because I'm there, and they'd rather I wasn't. I hesitate to do anything in company that I haven't already mentally put on my list of "approved" actions. In short, I don't take risks, even when I probably should.

I vastly downplay my talent. I think I'm rubbish at everything, yet I still try to write, do voice acting, play music, sing, just about every creative pastime you can think of. People tell me I'm good, and yet I can't convince myself of the same for longer than a fleeting moment.

I'm a ridiculous perfectionist. I never think anything I do is good enough, so I keep redoing it until I get bored, and end up with nothing.

I'm mortally afraid that everyone I've ever cared about, or currently care about, will someday realise just what a waste of space I am and leave me forever.

I know that everything I've just said is complete bollocks.

I know that I'm probably going to be relentlessly flamed for posting something like this here.

I know that I probably shouldn't have.

But I did it anyway.

[ManicMatt]

Yep, you sound like an artist to me...

[BOYD1981]

if you re-read your post in a dalek voice you'll feel happier

[Domino]

I think you are being a little too hard on yourself.  The only thing I can suggest at the moment is to find a good counselor or therapist who you can talk to.

Don't be ashamed if you need to get help.  I have seen a few myself for my Anxiety and Depression issues.

That is all I can offer.

I wish you the best of luck, and please keep your chin up because you are not worthless.

Domino

[Obi]

I wish I had a game shop. That would make my life less shit.

I once rang the suicide hotline, and they hung up on me. And that made me happy.

As Optimus Prime once said "We can't deal with human beings as we do with Decepticons."

[Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens]

Posts like these always come off as sympathy fishing to me, honestly.  I mean, if you don't want sympathy for your situation, what do you want, exactly?  Posts like these just turn into endless rants from people who will either tell you to grow up or will say how horrible their lives are by comparison. 

There's absolutely nothing positive to be gained by just saying how horrible of a person you are.  If you have problems and are aware of them then resolve them.  Don't waste your time on a forum somewhere lamenting your situation because no one here can resolve your issues for you. :|

[Trihan]

I don't know what I want from this, ProgZ. I just found myself starting a topic and filling it up with whatever came to my mind.

[Ghost]

I vastly downplay my talent. I think I'm rubbish at everything, yet I still try to write, do voice acting, play music, sing, just about every creative pastime you can think of.

Well, for all it's worth you spread some good humour and fun in the Limerick thread of yours, and I enjoyed/enjoy that. That's fun you give. That's a skill. Sometimes posting/blogging/talking about a problem is already part of the solution, so best of luck for you.

[Trihan]

I know, Ghost, and usually that's enough for me. I get a lot out of entertaining other people. I've just had a couple of bad days and I needed to vent. I should probably have picked a better medium for it, but the forums were here and so was I. Sorry for dumping this on you, guys.

[InCreator]

I'm a ridiculous perfectionist. I never think anything I do is good enough, so I keep redoing it until I get bored, and end up with nothing.

So you know your problem well. Welcome to the club!

Well, you're not alone, if it helps.
No it doesn't. But anyway.

I'm alot like you, only that I do not put my reality into words like you did.
I simply look at how world is giving me a big finger while everyone else, often far more stupid and talentless still succeed in many things I don't, and... simply swallow it. Realize it. Live it. If it is so, it is. All we can do is make better those things we can and hope that someday those we can't do anything about, improve too.

It's difficult to describe. Simply, thinking how life has it's cruel fun on me, makes me smile. A psychopath's reaction? Or simply masochistic?  Maybe. When I get old / die one day, I might not be remembered much, but atleast I can say I stood up for myself and sufferings fate had for me. Took all that was meant for me, both good and bad, and didn't give up.

Also, at some point you're going to notice "nothing to lose"-factor. Which might lead to good things. Or bad. If you reach there, you might do incredible things.

Like stop caring about your insecurities and crash into things you want. Rudely, do things you have problems with, without caring anymore if you fail or what others might think or what impression does it leave. Like if you see a girl you like, go to her and play it out like you've had every female in town and she simply caught your eye because you're bored. Or make a big act and introduce yourself to everyone as a great DJ/known band member/producer/film maker, and have an adventure Hollywood has made some good comedies about. Ever seen "Catch me if you can"? Even if you cannot do something like this, however desperate you are, there's always alcohol. Of course, getting drunk and trying an adventure might lead to bad adventures too, like getting mugged etc.

Anyway, stop thinking that you need a Nobel Prize/Oscar/cure for cancer/long wikipedia article about you/statue in city square/whatever before you get old.
You don't. You don't have to become famous singer, a good specialist at whatever work you do, etc.

High ambitions + perfectionism = miserable person who in his/her space race got old before even achieving most low and mostly reachable ambitions

Also, miracles do happen, but you have to look for them. Don't like your job? Well, you need money.
But while you work, nobody's restricting to bombard companies/better workplaces with your CV. I got my big turn in downfall just like this,  randomly got a job that made me happier, improved financial situation and fixed many things overall.

Realize that whatever you have right now is precious enough. And even if it doesn't get better, you still have what you have and you still are someone. If you think you're at lowest point, well, only way things could go is higher.

[Domino]

Hi Trihan, I'm Dr. Phil, I think you are swell, and I want you on my show.  Give me a holler.

Thanks,
Dr. Phil

[Trihan]

InCreator, that's possible the most helpful thing anyone's ever said to me.

Also, I'd love to be on your show DominoDr. Phil!

[Stupot]

I like you.  You came on these boards and made a good impression from the get-go.  But you seem to be doing your thing more for the desire to be recognised rather than for the fun of it.  This is shown by the fact that you created a whole thread all about yourself.  There are a lot of people on AGS who are extremely talented.  Their work will blow yours out of the water.   But there are some people who are... below average...  but they don't care, they're just having fun.

[Trihan]

I know that, Stupot. Usually this is just a niggling voice in the back of my head, but for some reason it was a bit louder today. I do my thing because I enjoy it and it entertains people. I don't honestly expect that five years from now anyone will be like "Hey, remember Trihan?" "Oh yeah, he's the guy who wrote those limericks." Recognition isn't as important to me as the mere fact that I made someone else's life brighter, even if it was just for a moment.

[Sam.]

Not that I don't sympathise, I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point, but a niggling voice made you post here? In a random yet public forum? Instead of writing your feelings in a letter, or telling one of these people who aren't quite your friends? I'm sure a forum about adventure games isn't your only outlet.

Sometimes people don't fit in their place in the world. The only person that can move them is themselves. If you aren't happy, sort it out.

[Trihan]

I've been talking to my friends about this as well. I wouldn't use an adventure game forum as my only outlet, that would be absurd. Not that this wasn't. I just happened to be logged in and thought "what the hell". 'course, I'm pretty much always logged in so that may be a moot point...

Long story short, I really shouldn't have posted this and I somewhat regret it. That said, it's garnered some interesting responses so it wasn't a total waste.

[MoodyBlues]

Worthless?  Pish posh applesause.  You strike me as a nice guy who just takes his work a little too seriously.  Perfectionists (I'm one of them, too) have to eventually learn that, in all likelihood, there will always be someone better than them and that results often fall short of expectations.  Maybe focusing on the process and not the results could help.

[monkey0506]

Hey Dominoctor Phil...can I be? (on your show)

[Buckethead]

A little more then a year ago alot of things went wrong for me. In fact pretty much everything. I got very depressed and thought things wouldn't ever get better again. But eventually I got help. I had several people I talked to about my problems and together we figured things out and one step at the time I managed to "fix" all the problems I had before. It took an awfull long time but now I feel alot happier.

I still feel greatly anoyed that it's harder for me to accomplish things. Even though I'm talented and ambitious I lack a bit of social skills. But I think it's important to keep the motivation in! Keep being ambitious and you will get what you want eventually. And find someone to talk to about your problems, even if it's just over msn.

Take care!

[Oliwerko]

I totally agree with B-head.

What keeps my motivation for a long time now is the fact that even though there are things I am very unhappy with (as buckethead said - social skills for example), I am aware of things I am happy with and of things why people like me, and, also why I like myself. You know, you can't have everything. Saying you're worthless is a straight bullshit to be honest.

I know what you mean with the friends thing. But look at it from the other side. Are there people you like? Would you be sorry if some of them were gone? I'm sure there are such. Now this works both ways around. The fact that a friend doesn't tell you how he/she likes you every day doesn't mean they don't care for you. Of course, everyone is substitutable, but only to some extent. I have social difficulties too. But I don't give up that easily. I mean, if you give up, you will only hurt yourself. I don't have that much of some "social sense", but that's not a reason to feel crappy. We're all different, that's all. Saying you're hopeless and telling yourself that people talk to you just to talk to anyone and they would substitute you for anyone is wrong. I'm sureyou have enough of common sense to admit it.

I'm a perfectionist too, but when people tell me something is good, I (at least partly) believe them, and tell myself "well, there must be something about it". Stupot said something wise - it's not important, for example - to write a great story. It's about having fun writing it. You're doing things for yourself mainly. And if it's rought learning/reaching/doing something you want, what do you expect it to be? Easy from the beginning? I for example do some music. Honestly, it's a piece of crap. Not a total crap apparently, 'cause some people are rather fond of it. But I had fun doing it. That's important. Even if I wanted to become a second Jan Hammer or J.M.Jarre, I am (most probably) NOT going to, but I don't care. What I'm trying to say to you is that creating something that is crappy is not a "loss" of something, or a failure. It just means you don't have enough experience. Saying that it's crappy despite people say it's good and having a "it's crap and I totally suck, damn it" attitude is foolish.

I don't say I don' feel like crap sometimes, but most of the time, I'm satisfied with myself. Despite my occasional failures, errors I make and crappy stuff I sometimes produce. World's not black and white, man! There are things you are good at and things you are bad at. You have to accept it and not expect to be the best one in every aspect. You have to clearly see your good and your bad sides. You aim to honestly see this - and you will become satisified with yourself. That way you can more easily fight the bad sides of you without that "I'm crap" feelings.

(Actually, what changed me a lot is something close to what you say. I've been in a hospital for 10 days undercoming an operation. I shared a room with a 1-year younger boy, who has been overrun by a car. He had every bone broken - except his skull, spine and pelvis - and there were wires coming from him everywhere. He was screaming in pain sometimes, calling for lunch at midnight or trying to walk. Simply - he was out of order. He had total luck surviving and even more luck that his brain was fine. But why I tell you this - that week was very educational for me. Even if I knew all that before, this week made me think and realize what REAL problems are. Staying in the hospital all of your 17-year long life because of liver problems or such, for example. I realized how well I live. What a great life I have. What a privilege I have to solve problems like you solve now. Every once in a while, when I feel crappy, this boy comes to my mind, reminding me of how is my life full of fun doing thigs I do. This boy changed me a lot. My life is different from back then. And I see things more balanced now, which is what you need to do. I hope this gave you something. Think about it.)

Sorry for the long post, but I know how bad this can be, and I wanted to share my experience.
Even if you feel like crap, you're not. And not seeing it is just a foolishness you have to overcome.
I wish the very best of luck to you.