Tell me some bad joke, there the best ones.
Here's an example:
Whats red and invisible?
No Tomatoes!
Oi! :=
What did Tarzan say when he saw the big grey elephants?
"Look, here comes the big grey elephants!"
What did Tarzan say when he saw the big grey elephants with sunglasses on?
He didn't say anything, cause he didn't recognize them.
How does an elephant hide himself?
Paints his balls red and climbs up a cherry tree,
How did Tarzan die?
He was picking cherries.
Here are some bad jokes:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
Q: What do you call a cat with no tail?
A: A Manx cat.
Q: Why do undertakers wear ties?
A: Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Two German nuns in the bath and one says "Where's the soap?" The other one says "It's here in the soap dish."
Geoff, yours are hilarious.
Q: What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
A: They both have wheels, except for the duck.
Edit:
Oh, and this one which I still enjoy:
(http://www.thexiis.com/media/piratecomic.jpg)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
That is the funniest joke ever conceived.
In school I used to say, "Stop me if you've heard this one. There once was a man from Nantucket-" By then most teachers would shush me, but one time a teacher stared at me daring me to go on.
"Uh... Who tripped and fell in a bucket. The end."
Vince: That comic is great.
What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
---
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
---
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
---
Courtesy of you know what ¬¬
What do you call a man with no arms floating in the middle of the ocean?
Bob.
A woman was walking on a road. She got pregnant. Why?
The road was straight.
---
Well, there are lots of bad jokes I know; I just can't recall them now.
A man goes to the doctor with some lettuce in his ears. The doctor says "that looks nasty". The man says "Nasty? This is just the tip of the iceberg!!!"
Love means never winning at tennis
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A little boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and armchairs under his arms. His Dad said "I told you not to take suites from strangers!"
There are 10 types of people in the world... those that understand binary and those that don't
What about "your mother" jokes?
Your mother is so obese that she had to have her doorway widened!
Your mother is so obese that she had to have a specially crafted chair to support her ample physique!
Your mother is so unintelligent that her IQ is lower than the national average!
Your mother is so unsatisfactory in the act of sexual intercourse that whenever I partake in the aforementioned act I find myself unfulfilled!
Your mother is so aesthetically unappealing that whenever she walks into a room people will be heard to remark "My, what an aesthetically unappealing woman!"
And so on in that fashion...one of my friends (under the influence of alcohol) went on like that for several hours one night. Uberfun!
Quote from: SSH on Tue 25/07/2006 12:08:16
There are 10 types of people in the world... those that understand binary and those that don't
Geek! ;D
Quote from: veryweirdguy on Tue 25/07/2006 12:12:39What about "your mother" jokes?
I'm sorry to tell you this, little Timmy, but your mother's obesity and disregard for her health led to various complications and she died last night of a heart attack.
Ledgend of the Lost Lagoon,
Indianna Jones and the Fountain of Youth,
A Tale of Two Kingdoms,
Time Traveler and
Gift of Aldora,
Have all been released last night!
;D
How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
In little Knotzies
Where did Napolean keep his armies?
In his sleevies
Once I went to a fight and a hockey-game broke out.
There, you can lock the thread now! ;D
Three strings walk into a bar.
First string says to the barman, "Three lagers please barman".
Barman says, "Didn't you see the sign, we don't serve strings here!"
Second string says, "Don't worry lads, I'll sort it out," and he goes to the barman and says, "Three lagers please barman!".
And the barman says, "Look, I've just told your mate, we don't serve strings here!".
Third string thinks, "Right! I'll sort it out!". And he goes to the Gents, ruffles himself up a bit, has a bit of a stretch and a bend, psyches himself up, and goes to the barman and says, "Three pints of lager please, barman!".
The barman eyes him quizzically and asks, "'ere, aren't you just another string?"
And the string says...
"No, I'm a frayed knot!".
Worst.
Joke.
Ever.
Ok read on for some sick ones ...
(Please don't take offence to these they are only meant in good fun ;D And for the sake of twistedness!)
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
A. Freezer doesnt scream when your stick your meat in it.
Q. What's the difference between a pie and a jew?
A. Pies don't struggle when you throw them in the oven.
Q. How do you stop a (insert racial slur) from drowing?
A. Take your foot off his head.
A cow is standing in a field and a dog walks up to him and says, "Gee man, aren't you worried about that Mad Cow's Disease?" and the cow looks at him and replies, "What are you talking about, I'm a helicopter!"
And of course, the ultimate:
Two sausages are in a frying pan, and one sausage looks to the other and says, "My it's hot in here!" The other sausage turns around and replies, "Fancy that, a talking a sausage!"
How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
Pokemon.
This works with 150 variations.
Two anvils went swimming. One drowened. The other was made out of metal too.
A rabbit hops into a butchers and says "Can I have two loafs of bread please?"
The Butcher looks at the bunny and says "WHat colour, red or green?"
The rabbit says "Dosen't matter - I've got my bike".
Also, the correct response to "What's brown and sticky?" is "Your anus." Obv.
Quote from: Zor on Tue 25/07/2006 15:31:47
Q. How do you drown an (insert racial demographic)?
A. Take your foot off his head.
The joke actually goes (and actually makes sense as):
Q: How do you save a (insert racial slur) from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
And another one, which is especially popular in the Netherlands:
Q: Why is having sex in a canoe similar to Heineken?
A: Because it's fucking close to water.
And now for some random things:
Q: What's green, but at the press of a button turns red?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What's faster, a Lamborghini or a Ferrari?
A: An F16.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
An Interrupting Cow
An interrupting co-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
What's the white stuff in bird poop?
It's bird poop, too :=
Who's the father of current?
Spoiler
ELECTRICITY!!!11111
Worst. Joke. Ever.
How do you fit 5 elephants into a car?
...
3 in the backseats and 2 in the front.
-What does a snail over a tutle say ?
-Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!
-Why did Hitler die?
-Because he received the note of the gas company.
-My dog has no nose!
-And how does he smell?
-Awful!
-Two peanuts go walking and one of them is "assalted".
A man goes to a cinema box office and says "One ticket, please."
And the cashier says: "Please go to the back of the line." and the man answers: "I can't. There already is somebody."
If they hadn't invented electricity, we would have to watch TV with candle light.
OMG sorry about screwing up that joke, and thank you for correcting me, voh! I was thinking of another joke at the time, which goes:
(warning, racist joke)
Q. How do you drown a black man?
A. Pop his lips.
What did Helen Keller say when she fell off a cliff?
Nothing, she had mittens on.
Q. How does Helen Keller drive?
A. One hand on the wheel, other on the road!
Q: What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him.
Fifty priests die in a bus accidnet. Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and said, "To save time I'm going to ask only one question. Which of you has ever been invovled in a homosexual realtionship?" The priests kicked the dirt and mumbled. Eventually, 49 of them raised thier hand. "okay," Saint Peter said, "off to hell with you then. And take the deaf bastard with you."
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. He meets up with a pope at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter shows them in. Peter first takes the pope to his room. It's a small, dingy room with a bed and a bookshelf. The pope humbly takes the room and thanks Peter. Then Saint Peter takes the lawyer to a huge palace suite.
"Well hang on a minute. Why did that pope get that dingy room, and I get this huge palace?"
"Oh, we have loads of popes up here." Saint Peter explained, "But you're the first lawyer we've seen in a couple centuries."
A farmer decides to buy a horse, so he goes to a dude ranch. The horse raiser shows him many different horses that are way too expensive. Finally, the farmer sees a horse at a cheap price and asks why it's so cheap.
"Well," said the horse guy "This horse will only go when you say 'Praise the Lord!', and he only stops if you say 'Amen!'
So the farmer, liking things that are different, buys the horse.
One day he decides to take it for a ride, so he says "Giddyap!"
Nothing happens.
So he says "Praise the Lord!", and the horse starts to gallop.
After a while of riding at extreme speeds and almost losing his head, he finally says "Whoa!"
Again, nothing happens.
So he says "Amen!" and the horse stops. The farmer looks about and realizes that if he had said that one second later, he would have fallen of a cliff and died.
He calmly looked up towards the sky, let out a sigh of relief, and said
"Praise the Lord"
You drive your car on the road. You accidently hit an <insert_race> who is driving a bicycle; so both the <insert_race> man and the bicycle gets crushed. You get sad. Why?
Because it was your stolen bicycle which <insert_race> was cycling.
----
A little child wakes up, and sees a stranger man in the house.
-Hello mister, are you my new babysitter?
-No, I'm the new babyshitter.
(that joke was actually different, but I didn't want to type the real word :p )
--------
-Dude, why can't the fish talk?
-Put your head inside the aquarium and try to talk.
------------
Temel used to live in village, but now he somehow turns into a celebrity and gets very rich. He is invited to a TV show, and he is asked to tell some his old village memories.
-Once, the donkey of my uncle got lost. Me and four friends of mine were trying to find the donkey. And five of us finally found the donkey in the forest. The donkey was so beautiful, and she was alone with us in the forest. We hold the donkey and...
-Errr, Mr. Temel, please tell us 'another' memory.
-Okay. Once, the daughter of my uncle got lost. Me and four friends of mine were trying to find the girl. And five of us finally found the girl in the forest. The girl was so beautiful, and she was alone with us in the forest. We hold the girl and...
-Mr. Temel, please stop telling this memory! Don't you have another village memory?
-Yes. Once I got lost...
When does the Cheesiness say “Hello�
When they learn English.
There is another joke, my father loves it, I hate it:
"Bend down, fairy, wish is wish!"
2 houses were flying. One house said to the other "Houses cant fly!" Them both fell.
2 buildings were flying. One building said to the other "Buildings cant fly!" Them both fell.
2 markets were flying. One market said to the other "Markets cant fly", but just one fell.Why?
Because it was a SUPER MARKET
sorry 'bout the bad english. ;D
Where's the GONG!!! when you really need it. ;D
sorry, old Gong Show reference.
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.
What's black and fluffy?
Pink fluff in the dark.
A slab of concrete goes into a pub. The barman points to another slab of concrete sitting at the back of the pub and says "I suppose you're with him?". The first slab of concrete shakes his head and pulls up a stool at the bar. "Nah", he says, "nobody likes to drink with him".
The barman frowns. "Oh? Why not?". The first slab of concrete leans in close and whispers, "Look at him! He's a cycle-path!"
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The barman says "What's that?". The duck says "Dunno, when I woke up this morning this thing was stuck to my arse."
I feel so...soiled. :-[
In the fridge...
It's dark... and cold... an hour happens... And two... and 3...
Then, a tomato says "Shit, it's cold!!!"
And the lettuce says "Wow! A talking tomato!"
Okay, i got a bad joke that has probably been heard before.
What is long and hard and filled with seamen?
Spoiler
A SUBMARINE
A variation of that goes like so:
What's long, hard, and feels good when you sit on it?
A dick?
No, a dock.
My dad just randomly sent me this one:
-----
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.Ã,Â
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Spoiler
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.Ã,Â
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it! ;D
Hey, all this, and no blonde jokes?
Two blondes were walking in the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
"Those are deer tracks!" One blonde said.
"No, those are bear tracks!" Said the other.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
----
What does a blonde call her panties?
Ankle warmers.
----
A blonde starts working at an assembly plant where they make Tickle Me Elmo (tm) dolls. Later that day, her supervisor notices that the assembly line is very backed-up, so he goes out to see what the problem is. He finds the blonde desperately trying to sew a small pocket with two walnuts onto each of the dolls.
Barely containing his laughter, he tells her, "I said to give each doll two test tickles!"
----
(In my own defense for these, half the women in my family are blonde. So I've had a lot of practice telling them ;D)
HoN
More bad jokes...
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Spoiler
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
What's a blonde with two brain cells?
Spoiler
Pregnant.
There are three kinds of people in this world: people who can count, and people who cannot.
what do you call a blind dear ?
No idea ( no eyed dear?)
what do you call a blind dear that doesn't move
still no idea
what do you call a blind dear that doesn't move and has just had sex
still no f**king idea
there's another bit but i can't remember it..
deer, not dear, dear
I loves me the shit out of this joke from a friend of mine:
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
One of them walks on the moon...
The other fucks little boys.
This reminds me in a really nasty joke:
What does a belgian mole say?
"Out of my way, children!"
Sorry to all belgians! :-[
Why did the baboon fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second baboon fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first baboon.
Why did the third baboon fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
What is green and brown and can kill you if it falls on you from a tree?
Spoiler
a pool table
What's brown and hangs from tree branches?
Spoiler
monkey poo
What's white and hangs from tree branches?
Spoiler
monkey semen
What's green and hangs from tree branches?
Spoiler
leaves
Quote from: DGMacphee on Wed 26/07/2006 13:06:59
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Do you know why Michael Jackson got divorced?
Spoiler
He misunderstood the concept of 'having children'.
Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A. You would too if your name was "HGHJSBLEUGH".
Q. What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
A. Goes home.
Q. How did the maths professor get rid of his constipation?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
And to add to Zor's extremely disturbing list...
Q. What's the difference between a BMW Z4 and a sack of dead babies?
A. I don't have a BMW Z4 in my garage.
:-X
A little boy comes home and says to his dad, "Dad, I lost my virginity today!" So his dad says, "Well son, come sit down and tell me all about it!" The boy looks at his father and says, "I can't dad my ass is still sore!"
I'm waiting for someone to post the ping-pong joke (or some variant) ...
Hehe.. not for the sensative of viewers... ;D
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Spoiler
Depends on how hard you throw
Whats gross?
Spoiler
a dead baby
Whats groser than that?
Spoiler
two dead babies
And groser than that ?
Spoiler
A pile of dead babies!
And even more gross than that ?
Spoiler
A week old pile of dead babies
And even more gross than that ?
Spoiler
One live baby underneath a week old pile of dead babies!
And even more gross than that ?
Spoiler
The baby eating his way out!
And even more gross than that ?
Spoiler
Returning for seconds!
END...
An old man is drving down a deserted driveway one day. He's speeding, too. Suddenly, the state trooper gets after him. Sirens flashing and what not, the two have a high speed chase for quite a while.
Finally, the old man decides to give up and pull over.
So, the state trooper walks up to his car and says, "It's Friday, the end of my shift, I'm late for dinner, but I'm in a pretty good mood. If you can give me ONE GOOD REASON why you were speeding, I'll let you off scot-free."
so the old man answers, "Twenty years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper.... I thought you were bringing her back."
Dead Baby Jokes, huh? You really think that's appropriate?
Because I sure do!
Don't read if you have a sense of taste.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
Spoiler
A dead baby in a clown suit
And to go for more punchier ones, the two on top of my list (which is actually pretty long...I know I should get some help).
What do you get when you skin a dead baby?
Spoiler
An erection
What's the difference between a white dead baby and a black dead baby?
Spoiler
About twenty seconds in the microwave
Some tasteless Jewish jokes
Why do jews have such big noses?
Spoiler
Air is free
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
Spoiler
A canoe tips
What's so bad about being a blakc jew?
Spoiler
You have to sit in the back of the oven
Now on to something completely different...
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Spoiler
Because she's a women
Why do tampons have strings?
Spoiler
So you can floss afterwards
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the egg cross the road?
It had the inclination.
A long one:
A guy was walking home from work, and on his way home he walks by a grave yard. As he's passing this grave yard, he hears a huge explosion, and upon looking at it's direction, he sees dirt flying everywhere. And when the air is clear, he sees a coffin standing up by a grave. Being creeped out a little, he quickens his pace home. As he does so, he hears a thumping noise, and in the corner of his eye, he sees the coffin is moving in his direction.
This being enough to freak him out, he quickens his pace even more. And as he does so, he can hear the thump of the coffin behind him increasing it's speed. Till his finally running full speed. He reaches his house and unlock the door as quickly as possible, slamming it shut and locking it. And suddenly he hears a BANG. The coffin is breaking the door down, and the door looks like it might only take a few more hits, so the guy runs upstairs and locks himself into the bathroom. In a few moments he hears another bang as his front door is broken. And then he hears the thump of the coffin as it begins to go upstairs.
Thump
Thump
Thump
Bang! As the coffin slams into the bathroom door. The guy looks around for any escape available to him. No window, or other doors. So he begins to look for some weapon as the coffin bangs on the door. BANG! The door flies open, and the guy frantically grabs the first thing he finds, a bottle of VICs vapor rub, and the coffin stops.
-MillsJROSS
As my Uncle Claude once said:
"My mother-in-law and I never got along. She always was griping at me and telling me to do things. One day I got fed up with it and told her I wasn't going to take it anymore.
'You'd better be nice to me!' she said, 'Because YOU are responsible for burying me when I die. And if you're not nice to me, I will dig my way up out of the grave and HAUNT you!'
Well, I got news for her.... I'm going to bury her face down. Let her dig."
I am going to hell for this.
How did Helen Keller burn her face when the phone rang?
Spoiler
SHE ANSWERED THE IRON
Y'know, I once hid a friend's books in various lockers throughout the school and sent him on a scavenger hunt.
The relevance?
None, really. Just thought you'd like to know.
Here's a bad joke for you (no offense is meant to anyone in the following joke, and if offense is taken I apologize deeply for it):
There's this old priest in a Catholic Church, named Father William. He is bathed every Saturday night by Sister Mary, as the Church tradition requires.
However, Sister Mary, an elderly nun, had gotten a cold, and was forced to appoint another, younger nun to bathe him. So she enlists the help of Sister Helen, a beautiful blond her midtwenties.
"You must bathe him on Saturday night so he may be prepared for Sunday." she says to the young nun, "And no matter what, do NOT look at his private parts."
"I won't." promises sister Helen.
Well, next Sunday Sister Mary feels well enough to go to church. She quickly seeks out Sister Helen and asks, "How did it go?"
"Oh, Sister!" Sister Helen exclaims, "I've been saved!
"Really? How did that come about?"
"I was washing him, as you said, and he led my hands below to his private parts, where I averted my eyes. And he said to me, 'This is the key to heaven.' and he told me that if the key fit my lock, the gates of heaven would open. It was painful at first, but he told me all difficult journies are, and soon the gates of heaven opened, and it was truly bliss."
"He told you that?"
"Yes, sister."
"That old devil!" Sister Mary Exclaims angrily, "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing on it for forty years!"
God's going to condemn me for that.
MadHatter, that was great.
Here's a few:
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
here once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.
One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.
So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".
So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.
When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.
Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.
With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".
Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.
But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to
ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally
the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he
said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what
you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and
says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you
do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at
heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the
holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly
under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I
have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving
my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors
dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By
this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last
night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for
a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy
water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears
run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
Okay, one more for me:
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"
Here's another one my friend told at a comedy gig where the theme was "masturbation jokes":
Why did the chronic masturbating golfer get kicked out of the retirement home?
He tried to shoot one under Pa.
Well its that time... :o
CHUCK NORRIS
hehe
Chuck Norris can touch MC HAMMER!
When chuck norris falls into watter he doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.
When Arnold says "Ill be Back" hes going to fetch Chuck Norris.
Alot of people wear super man pj's Superman wears Chuck Norris Pj's
This is a restraunt prank:
Go into a restraunt and when they ask your name, tell them, fatasse and spell it without the E, and hopfully it will work
As a host/watier, I highly doubt that any hostess would fall for that one when they are taking names for a waitlist. If they do, then you need to eat at places that don't hire brain-dead employees.
A chicken and an egg are in bed together. The egg turns to the chicken and says "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."
King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong.
Quote from: Eigen on Fri 28/07/2006 07:47:47
King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong.
Then hit his bong while listening to Wang Chung.
Then, Everybody have fun tonight.
Damn, I use to really love Wang Chung back when i was like 15 years old. I still like their music though.
Sorry for being off-topic.
- What proves that Hitler was the worst golfer ever?
- He didn't get out of the bunker.
- How do you get a elephant into the fridge?
- Just open the door, and push the elephant in.
- How do you get a cheetah into the fridge?
- Remove elephant and put cheetah in.
- Which one wins a race, elephant or cheetah?
- Elephant. The cheetah is in the fridge.
What's big, yellow and eats rocks?
A big yellow rock eater.
What's big and white and climbs trees?
A fridge. I lied about it climbing trees.
What's big and white and blue and climbs trees?
A fridge wearing pants. I'm still lying about it climbing trees.
Quote from: Alliance on Thu 27/07/2006 04:09:22It was Friday ........ "I peed in the holy water..."
I know it differently:
Four nuns died in an accident and went to heaven where they find St Peter. St Peter tells them that all they have to do to enter heaven is to confess their biggest sin and then do what they are told.
So, the first nun says "Forgive me, for I have watched an R-rated movie". St Peter says "You are forgiven, now go and wash your face with the Holy Water". She walks off, and the fourth nun starts begging St Peter to be next. St Peter refuses and says "Be patient, wait for your turn".
The second nun says "Forgive me, for I have once touched the penis of a man". St Peter says "You are forgiven, now go and wash your hands with the Holy Water".
The fourth nun begins begging again to be next and St Peter asks "Please, be patient. Why don't you just wait for your turn?". The fourth nun says "Father, please, let me drink the water before she sticks her ass in it!"
Another one:
Satan and Jesus were having an debate, and it was decided that they would have a typing competition. Anyway, they were busy typing and Satan was going very fast, whilst Jesus was just typing in a slow relaxed manner. Then suddenly, when there were a few seconds left, the Father intervened, there was a flash of lightening and all the power went off. When it came back on again, they turned on their computers, and Satan had lost everything, but Jesus still had it. Satan started screaming obscenities and asked Jesus "How did you do that?". He replies, "Jesus Saves!"
Another:
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."