Air Hex.

[Flippy_D]

Thanks to AGA for PDFing and Obi for hosting

This is why I'm not working on my game.

Yeah, I know it's long (not anywhere near finished, yet, though, it's barely started). Please give it a chance, at least read the first chapter or two, and see if it draws you in

It's my best writing. Easily. So I'd love feedback on it.

PS: Is this the right forum?

Edit: Hah! As if I hadn't noticed that before. Ignore this bit: "Fondling the visor around her neck" in Chapter 1. She doesn't get that until much later >_<

Second Edit: Drat and double drat, there's another error in the first chapter. It's merely grammatical, and it's fixed now.
"There were some nasty tangles with some bandits, but nothing I couldn't shake off with my wings,' she patted it over her shoulder fondly"

Also, reading it, the later chapters are better written... oh well.

[Flippy_D]

Guys... is nobody interested at all?

[DragonRose]

I just finished reading the first chapter.  You have a very nice writing style; the words seem to flow easily, and dialog is very natural.

I only have two problems with what I've read so far:

1. Show, don't tell.  This is one thing you'll probably hear a lot if you study writing fiction. You're writing at a very close point of view, almost right inside Kerryn's head.  She wouldn't be amazed at some of the things she sees, and would think nothing of them.  The paragraph where you describe the glider is an excellent example of this.  Instead of just listing the components of the glider, have her interacting with it.  "She checked the wedge shaped wings for signs of wear.  Everything seemed fine, from the foot-wide silver tags at the ends to the hub at the centre where they met."

2. The actual format of the document was driving me nuts.  Indenting paragraphs, rather than just inserting a break, makes it much more legible.

However, I am quite hooked on the story. So it's all good.

[pslocum]

It's pretty nice from what I've read so far.

I think the supposed lack of interest may be due to it's length, incidentally. You'll probably get more feedback about it once people have gotten around to reading it all.

[Flippy_unplugged]

You're writing at a very close point of view, almost right inside Kerryn's head.Ã,  She wouldn't be amazed at some of the things she sees, and would think nothing of them.Ã,  The paragraph where you describe the glider is an excellent example of this....

2. The actual format of the document was driving me nuts.Ã,  Indenting paragraphs, rather than just inserting a break, makes it much more legible.

Ahh, yeah, that's a pretty good point... I've half a mind to amend the first few chapters - they pale in comparison with later extracts, so maybe I can think about implementing that. I hadn't thought of it that way.

And the paragraphs ARE indented... I don't know what's happened there. I always indent. Maybe the PDF wiped them out or something... so I'm afraid you'll have to cope 

Good to see some interest, anyway. Pslocum is probably right, but it was disheartening to see it slip so quietly off the front page. The forums move that much quicker these days.

[Ashen]

OK, finished it.
Took me a while - not because it's bad, as it's actually very good - but because I don't like reading big chunks of stuff on-screen, and because I have difficulty getting into this sort of 'fantasy' story.
That said, once I was into it, I enjoyed it a lot and am looking forward to more.

Couple of things, probably nothing you hadn't already thought of:

1. I think the first couple of chapters would definitely benefit from a little reworking. Specifically, some of the dialogue in the Maralah village is a bit, stilted, I think is the word. Later though, with the Merchants, it's a lot more natural, so it's probably just a case of 'settling in' as you wrote.

2. + 3. I second both of DragonRose's points, although I realise the formatting is probably the PDF's fault not yours. (It's kind of inconsistent - some paragraphs are indented, some are line-spaced, some just run together.) A lot of the exposition read as exactly that - an info-dump to get needed facts across. Try to work it more into the story, as DragonRose suggested, and ask yourself "Does the reader really need to know this? Does it serve any other purpose than me thinking it sounds cool?"

4. As you probably know, proof-read it again. I spotted a few things, not errors necessarily - my grammar and spelling aren't good enough to judge that - just a few phrases that stood out. Of course, that might just be your style, but you might also notice continuity mistakes, or misspelt names etc, that a reader wouldn't.

Just to reiterate - I liked it a lot, good work, have a cookie.
(Wow, that was a big post, wasn't it?)

[Flippy_D]

Not to sound pompous, but what did you guys think of the imagery in the story? I tried really hard to weave poetry and story. I didn't think it was possible for the book not to be crammed with spectacular and lyrical images, given the majesty (did I just say 'majesty'?) of the sky.

In other words, I tried really damn hard. What did you think of that aspect?

[pslocum]

The imagery is very fluidly employed. That's probably one of the best aspects of the story, and the hard work that's been put into it shows. Very well-written overall.

[Blade]

I'm sorry I didn't read it yet. In fact I've just noticed this thread. Hmm, I'm trying to make something similar - post my writing so I started a thread ("A novel") here, but I didn't do it on your example - as I said I didn't notice this thread until now. And I haven't posted any of my fiction yet.
Sorry for this long, boring post. I'll try to read your novel as quickly as I can. That may take me some time though.