DG's Tech Support Service

[SSH]

I know someone who can't tell the difference between Eminem and Justin Timberlake: what can I do to help them?

Also, why can't Vin Diesel sing? (for those of you who watched the MTV Europe music awards, you'll know what I mean)

[DGMacphee]

I know someone who can't tell the difference between Eminem and Justin Timberlake: what can I do to help them?

I don't think they need help just yet.

When they start stalking from office to office with an Armalite AR-180 carbine gas-operated semi-automatic, pumping round after round into colleagues and coworkers, that's when you should seek help for them.

P.S. BUY A DELL!!!

Also, why can't Vin Diesel sing? (for those of you who watched the MTV Europe music awards, you'll know what I mean)

Oh, he can sing.

He just sings like a fuckknuckle.

[Barcik]

How come the Californians elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor? Haven't they seen "The Terminator"? He is an evil robot sent back from the future to destroy humanity!

[jetxl]

Dear DG

Give me money.

[Raggit]

Dear DG,

Why won't my pet smiley stop crying?   :'(

[DGMacphee]

How come the Californians elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor? Haven't they seen "The Terminator"? He is an evil robot sent back from the future to destroy humanity!

I always thought he was Danny Devito's pregnant twin come to stop Satan.

Then I realised he's not a pregnant twin or an evil robot.

He's just a shitty actor who'll make an even shittier politician.

Dear DG

Give me money.

Ho ho ho, I'm not falling for that one again!

Dear DG,

Why won't my pet smiley stop crying?   :'(

Cause your smiley needs to turn that frown UPSIDE DOWN!

[Squinky]

Dear Dg.

I appreciate your previous advice about not killing ninjas and just cussing out little kids. It works well in theory, but I find myself unable to sleep at night when I haven't had a good full day of ninja slaying. I've tried to pacify myself by fighting football mascots, since they remind me of mutant turtle ninjas, but it just dosen't cut it.

What should I do? Do I need a new computer too?

[DGMacphee]

Dear Dg.

I appreciate your previous advice about not killing ninjas and just cussing out little kids. It works well in theory, but I find myself unable to sleep at night when I haven't had a good full day of ninja slaying. I've tried to pacify myself by fighting football mascots, since they remind me of mutant turtle ninjas, but it just dosen't cut it.

What should I do? Do I need a new computer too?

Masturbate.

THEN UPGRADE YOUR VIDEO CARD!!!

[jetxl]

to DG.
I have the charisma of a dead skunk.
Not even ugly girls wouldn't look at me twice.

I've tried to walk on my hands for one day but then people told me not to talk so much shit.

What am I to do.

[Ishmael]

The great DG:

I seem to be on a little whirlpool. Now this kinda stupid girl on my class, who I used to dislike coz of her lack of sense of humor and intelligence, is together with this boy two grades below us, he is 2 and ½ years younger as me and she, I'm like 9 days older then she. Something like that... anyway, this week my instict has told me many things, which have turned out to be true. Now it tells me that these two shouldn't be thogether. It's been like a week or so... What should I do?

[DGMacphee]

to DG.
I have the charisma of a dead skunk.
Not even ugly girls wouldn't look at me twice.

I've tried to walk on my hands for one day but then people told me not to talk so much shit.

What am I to do.

Jetxl, I'm glad you came to me with this problem because it usually leads to greater self-esteem problems if not treated properly.

The problem is you are VERY UGLY.

Luckily, I have a solution that wil turn you from this:



into this:



Whoa! -- My loins are quivering from looking at that stud!

Anyway, you need to follow the following steps:

1. Get plastic surgery -- Everyone in Hollywood looks beautiful, cause they've all had plastic surgery, and that is somethint that will make you 100x better looking.

2. Get a Penis Enlargement -- Why does Ron Jeremy get so many chicks? It's not cause he's good looking (though if he followed Step 1, he'd get 2x the chicks he normally does -- and that's a lot of chicks!). It's because he has a large penis, and you can have the same if you answer one of those many e-mails in your inbox.

3. Become a SPY -- It's doesn't matter if it's Sean Connery, George Lazenby, or Pierce Brosnan, James Bond ALWAYS gets chicks cause he's a SPY -- Even if you don't want to be a REAL spy, just pretend to be a spy by drinking lots of martinis, and even if you don't score you'll still get drunk!

4. Play Sports -- Not Chess, cause people who play chess are NERDS and you don't want to be a NERD -- Play football and you'll get thousands of women climbing through your windows asking for some "good stuff" HEHEHEHEHEH (That means they want some fuck).

5. Pretend to be all caring and stuff -- One of the best lines to say to a girl is "I don't want to rush this... I want to get to know you personally first." and I promise she'll want to jump in the sack within an hour.

And after you do all the above, follow the most important step:

6. Learn cunnilingus (http://www.cunnilingustutor.com/) -- If you give the ugliest girl cunnilingus, she will spread  the TRUE rumour that you are 'Sex God El Supremo', and all other girls will want to date you. Then you can drop the ugly girl and go out with your pick: the cheerleader, the mall-girl, the latin exchange student, the girl who looks like Beyonce Knowles, the hottie in Math class, etc.

There you have it -- follow these steps and you'll become BIG MAN ON CAMPUS.

The only sacrifice is you'll be a vapid moron who'll probably flip burgers for the rest of his life (either that or a junkie) but what difference does that make when you're getting the hot stuff from the ladies every single night!  

[DGMacphee]

The great DG:

I seem to be on a little whirlpool. Now this kinda stupid girl on my class, who I used to dislike coz of her lack of sense of humor and intelligence, is together with this boy two grades below us, he is 2 and ½ years younger as me and she, I'm like 9 days older then she. Something like that... anyway, this week my instict has told me many things, which have turned out to be true. Now it tells me that these two shouldn't be thogether. It's been like a week or so... What should I do?

Go home and masturbate while thinking about the two of them happily married with children.

Or you could try the advice I gave to Jetxl -- That is a sure winner with the ladies!

[Ishmael]

Again me...

Did this topic die?

On second thought... I don't want to know...

[Barcik]

Go home and masturbate...

Is this a recorded message? Have you no shame?

[Gilbert]

DG my dear,

Who is cos777?

[DGMacphee]

Again me...

Did this topic die?

On second thought... I don't want to know...

Too bad -- Yes, it did die and it was a nice peaceful death and YOU RUINED IT!!

* DGMacphee sees the Statue of Liberty.

YOU BLEW IT UP -- DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

Go home and masturbate...

Is this a recorded message? Have you no shame?

You sound tense -- maybe you should masturbate.

DG my dear,

Who is cos777?

Keyser Soze.

[Bruiseed]

Dear DGMacphee,

My cat goes poop a lot. I don't mind it, and there really isn't anything unusual about it. But what I do find alarming is her need to run through the house at top speed following her bowel movement. Why is she so compelled to run into one room, stop, look at random spots in the air, turn, and run to another room, then back to the first room, after every time she poops? Is it a sign of ill health? Are tiny poop fairies plaguing her? Should I hire a priest? Thank you in advance.

Love,
Bruised Weasel

[Gilbert]

I want an answer too, my cat always does exactly the same things.

[SSH]

My cat used to do that too! But it doesn't anymore....

becasue now  it does its business in the garden instead, she runs through the garden at top speed following her bowel movement.

[Haddas]

My cat just sneaks into my room and shits in my bed !!!