Feeling absolutely messed up.

Flippy_D · Tue 13/04/2004 00:41:13

So, my Dad just left the room after launching a nice philippic on me about just how fucking much of a faliure I am to him. "You make me ill... you really do".

You have any idea how hard it is to argue with a solicitor? He has an answer to everything. What's his job? He argues! For a living! He argues and writes on stupid bits of paper about boats and land and accident claims. And damn it if I shouldn't work as well.

He labels me as someone wasting their time, not trying, not caring about anything, with a sort of arrogance that everything will turn out fine.

And the most disturbing thing?

He couldn't be any closer to the mark.

But I mean, fuck it all. What's the point. That's not even a damn question. That's some idiotic teenager raging about how the world has it in for them.
Let's say I become like my Dad. Moderately successful, earns enough money, when joined with Mum's salary, to support a family of four in a nice village, send my sister and I to private schools to get education, the bloody apex of a middle class setting. And yet what's the reward? Stress. Me. Will people particularly miss him when he finally retires? Not that I can tell of, he works from home now. So he's got me, the useless fuckwit who doesn't try, and my brilliant, straight-As-in-her-GCSEs sister. Joy.
I don't wanna end up like him. I don't want to end up like my sister, either. Incarcerated in a room of paper and ink? Constantly? Working until my nerves shatter? No thanks.

And what if I do poorly? I'll look back, and I'll moan, and I'll say "Why the hell didn't I do better at school?"

I have no idea what to do. I know I should work, I know I should revise and study and try, but I don't WANT to. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it? The sheer effort of working crushes me. I can't concentrate. I'll stare at my maths book, and I'll be off rewriting Air Hex in my head, or wondering vaguely when my next break is. Fuck it if I LEARN anything.

I just don't know what to do. I'm fucking crying as I write this.

I know what I WANT. I want a career in advertising. Yeah. A chance to let loose some creative energy. I want to go on a road trip around America, crass as it sounds. I want to visit Japan. And maybe, just do something I enjoy that isn't on the computer.

Therein lies the dilemma. I don't enjoy anything EXCEPT the stuff I find online. I find no satisfaction in work, physical or mental. I'm in a horrible state when it comes to relationships, having plenty of friends but only one true companion, and girls generally like me, but I always feel if I could just get the right moment... I dunno, there's way too much here.

I don't even know why I wrote this. I'm not expecting to receive any helpful replies. I just need to talk, and sad as it sounds, who's the person I can confide in at the end? The internet.

...

I dunno. I just don't know at all.

Domino · Tue 13/04/2004 01:12:38

Flippy, just do what's gonna make you Happy!! That's all that matters.

Shit, i'm 31 years old (been out of the house since i was 21) and make a decent living and i still have my dad jumping down my throat once in awhile.

But you know what, i do what i want to do. I live my life for me and noone else. I mean i love my dad and all, but i will never live up to his expectations, and i never plan on doing it anytime soon.

I do what i want to do, when i want to do it. It may be harder if you're still living at home, but you are your own self, and do whats best for you.

Enjoy your life, because you don't get a second chance.

I wish you the best of luck my friend.

Shawn

Flippy_D · Tue 13/04/2004 01:15:05

I'm 15, which explains why I'm still at home.

I got nothing. Thanks for the reply, at least.

Barcik · Tue 13/04/2004 01:42:45

I will not give you advise, as it is useless. All I can say is that in your age (heck, in my age too) people still go through drastic changes. The truth is, and it might seem to your as far-off as it seemed to me at that time, that in a year you may have completely different thoughts about your life.

Duzz · Tue 13/04/2004 02:14:49

I agree, at 15 no-one has a perfect image of what they want to do, I doubt most people have any idea at all. I know I didn't.
The people at my school that had no problem with motivation, and got incredible results, thought they knew exactly what they wanted to do with the rest of their life. But most of the ones I've talked to in the 4 years since have dropped out of uni, or changed their course (or program, or whatever you Americans call it.)

What I'm trying to say, is that, even if you DID want to become a lawyer right now, and had all the motivation to do so, the odds are you'll change your mind in the next few years anyway.

Being a teenager sucks (unless you're a mindless jock or teeny-bopper type) it's just a crappy part of life that you'll someday get through and be stronger for it. Keeping your options open is always good, but don't burn yourself out.

meh, I don't think I've helped at all, you should probably ignore what i've said... Punch the wall and swear loudly. That always helps me =)

AGA · Tue 13/04/2004 03:00:55

I have to disagree with you there Duzz (not to hijack Flippy's thread, but...). I love being a teenager and always have done. I'm definitely not a jock or a teenybopper. Maybe this is due to my upbringing, or just my own attitudes on life or something... To me, being a teenager has been the most carefree, effortless time of my life.

Duzz · Tue 13/04/2004 03:26:11

awww.. it didn't suck even a bit? I guess I was generalising an awful lot.

But I think for a lot of people, the pressure of school, and parents/teachers telling you that what you do now affects the rest of your life, coupled with the pressures of school social life can often overwhelm you. I think I was the opposite of you AGA, I worried about everything, and stressed way too much. But still couldn't find motivation to work. I often wished that some massive EMG would go off, and everyone would just have to go back to the good ol' huntin' and gatherin' age.

But then again that's just me. Everyone's different.
I'm much more layed back now, and I wished I'd had the hindsight I have now 5 years ago.

Heh heh, Ironic that I'm procrastinating right now, I'd better get back to the grind :

Kinoko · Tue 13/04/2004 03:52:15

Well, I suppose I'm a bit of an opinionated person, so I can't just say "there there and good luck". If I sound like what I'm saying is harsh, don't think I'm trying to critisize you or knock you down, I'm honestly just trying to help and make you feel better.

Like the others have said, at 15 it's pretty unlikely you know what you want to do with your life. Even if you think you do... I changed my mind a lot until I the last couple of years of high school when I realised I wanted to be an animator. I applied for a place in animation at a university in another city, moved there and set up my life for it until 2 weeks before I got my results. I realised then I wanted to be a translator/interpretor and got myself into various language courses instead. Even now, I'm starting to think that teaching might be where my heart is and I'll be graduating soon. My point being that there's no reason you should have to know what you want to do with your life now. You can take certain directions but it's very likely it'll change a lot before you settle on something (and even then, it's not like your life is set in stone! Plenty of people change careers a lot throughout their life).

If your dad is giving you a hard time about choosing a career path or something - that really is his problem. Some parents are like that and as cliched as it sounds, at the heart of it, it's probably because he loves you and wants to make sure you life a good, secure life. Parents will never really give up trying to lead your life in certain ways. You just have to be comfortable with yourself, feel good about what you do and occasionally throw them a bone; "Yes, yes, I'm eating well", "I'm getting GREAT marks in class", yadda yadda. They'll back off eventually.

If he's giving you a hard time about marks or staying in school... although he shouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on you, at the heart of it, he's right to be worried about you. I can't reccommend enough getting a good education in high school. Make sure you see it through and get decent marks (the better you do, the more options you have but unless you want to be a vet or a lawyer or something... you probably don't have to panic about not getting straight A's).

If you have trouble concentrating in school, I daresay that's because of all this confusion about your future and what you should do with yourself. Honestly - you don't really have to think about it now. You don't graduate from high school and launch yourself head on into a degree that leads to an office job with free wife and 2.5 kids. Believe me, life is very, very flexible and you'll see that once you get older. I'm not patronosing you, but it's just the way things are. When you're in your mid-teens, you're still VERY young, you're still growing and your brain is still forming. You probably know that a lot of your problems stem from puberty - seriously, that stuff REALLY fucks you around. I look back on what I was like in high school and I just can't believe it - what the HELL was I doing that for?? It's the chemicals in your body - they really, really screw you around without you realising it. Weird, yes - but sadly true. Things'll most likely feel amazing when you reach 18 or so. You'll be able to think clearly and you won't worry so much.

UNLESS you do badly in school or drop out, and even then you can still do really well - some people even become millionaires after that. It's not a good idea to plan for that though. Doing reasonably well in high school (hell, I just cruised through it really - got very average marks even though I could have done much better) will give you a much better chance in life.

If right now you want a career in advertising - that's great! It's even much more realistic than a lot of other teenage dreams ("I wanna be a pro-skater!"). You probably don't have to do a thing to plan for that now but aim for reasonably good marks in school. If you change your mind later, no big deal. I'm sure you'll do it a thousand times over.

I went off on a bit of a tangent there but my point really is, just be happy and comfortable with whatever ideas you have for the future - even if you have none yet! You don't HAVE to have ANY idea yet, you're not even close to needing one! Your dad will most likely get off your back if he can see you've become a happier and more self confident person, and you're doing fine in school. If he is the kind of person that still wants you to be a lawyer or something... don't let that be your problem. It's something he has to deal with.

Gregjazz · Tue 13/04/2004 04:23:21

Okay, I just read flippy's first post, and just skimmed over the rest. Here's my comments:

I totally agree with you, man. Do something original with your life. So many other people have lived that same sort of middle-class life before. Do something with your life.

But then again, there is another perspective...

Could it be that your dad is giving up his "original life" in turn for a seemingly ordinary middle-class one in which he works hard at his job and earn lots of money so that YOU could have a better life? So that you could get a good education?

Anyways, just comments.

big brother · Tue 13/04/2004 04:54:33

I think it's important to have a physical outlet. With the hormonal changes your body undergoes during adolescence, it's beneficial to be able to direct that stress.

In addition, sports build character.

DGMacphee · Tue 13/04/2004 05:05:27

If your Dad comes to you and says "you're a failure" instead of saying "What do you want to do in life? I'll help you in any way I can." then he's the failure... as a parent.

He should be more supportive of you. He should care about your dreams. Right now, he pictures you as someone who "wastes time". Maybe he doesn't know you all that well. Maybe if he understood what you want out of life, then maybe he'd be more supportive.

But for a father to say "You make me ill" is disgraceful, even if he's a solicitor. Even parents (and especially solicitors) can be wrong about a great many things.

We're not given a roadmap at birth. There is no "path to success". How can someone be a failure when there's no right or wrong answer?

Success comes from within. If you are unhappy with your life (and not because someone else says you should be unhappy), then change it so it becomes better. Don't do things because your father or mother want you to do them. Do them because you want to.

And keep carrying on. It's never too late. Even when you're 60 or 70. You can still make something of your life. And keep moving forward. Only remember the past for experience. Never regret your past. Be proud of every success and mistake in your life. Be proud of every bit of joy and sadness.

And be yourself. Do everything naturally and in your own way.

Peter Thomas · Tue 13/04/2004 06:12:58

THIS POST CONTAINS THE ONE SENTENCE YOU NEED IN LIFE TO BRING HIM TO HIS KNEES

Did your dad know what he wanted to do at 15? probably not. You should tell him.

But don't do it in the heat of an argument, where you're ready to let fly and swear and curse and tell him that he has some very nasty nostril hair. Wait 'til you've calmed down (and him, too) and then tell him you have DREAMS, but it's hard to make them happen when people always put such a load on your shoulders and tell you you're a failure.

Tell him that you honestly don't know EXACTLY what you want to be, and then ask him directly "do you think I'm a failure for not knowing my future at 15." And do it just like that. Don't sweet-talk it up, or give him room to avoid the question. SAY EXACTLY THIS:

"I'm only 15 and I don't have a foolproof plan. Now say to my face that I'm a failure and I'll believe you!"

And mate, FORCE him to say it!! Dead serious. Chances are he'll regret being so obnoxious, and he'll say "I'm sorry man, I was just angry" but don't give up. Keep at him and MAKE him call you a failure. By the end of it he'll hate himself so much he'll buy you a house and car outright....

EDIT: This will work, I promise you. Unless he truly is an emotionally abusive person, he'll hate himself and will never say it again. You have no idea the number of friends I have who benefitted from this...

Barcik · Tue 13/04/2004 09:32:28

Quote from: AGA on Tue 13/04/2004 03:00:55
I have to disagree with you there Duzz (not to hijack Flippy's thread, but...). I love being a teenager and always have done. I'm definitely not a jock or a teenybopper. Maybe this is due to my upbringing, or just my own attitudes on life or something... To me, being a teenager has been the most carefree, effortless time of my life.

I agree with AGA. Being a teenager, despite its down-sides, is a great part of my life. I enjoy myself now. Hell, I'd love to stay in my current condition forever especially looking at the fact that the army/uni is lurking just behind the corner.

Creed Malay · Tue 13/04/2004 11:18:34

Flips, matey... Given that this is a godless universe, then the only goals we have in life are those we set for ourselves, or allow to have set for us. You can try to set goals for others, but that really ain't your right, and it will almost certainly backfire in the long run.
Everyone has trouble with their parents while growing up, I think. I certainly did. But it does get better. The older I get, the better I get on with my parents, my Dad in particular. When I was younger our relationship was very frosty - for almost exactly the same reason you're having strife with your dad - but now we get on fine, are mates, kind of, even though I don't see him much. He's just phoned me up, actiually, to congragulate me for going on a pickett line at work. And that makes me happy.
Fight through the next few years, dude, and see how it all tastes then.

As for being confused and not knowing what to do... that might get better, and it might not. It depends on your own attitude. I don't have much more idea what I want to do with my life now, at 24, than I did when I was 18. I've spent most of my working life temping around, trying to find something that I am both good at and actually enjoy doing. The feeling I have most often is that I have currently got it all pretty much figured out, and look back with scorn to when I was younger and naive... and in a few years time, I will look back on 24 year old Davy and think - "Sweet fuck, but I was stupid and naive back then. But NOW I've got it all worked out..."

Davy

shbaz · Tue 13/04/2004 16:27:15

Peter, that may work, but you can't guarantee it. My mom is just so outright ridiculously stupid that she really did believe such things, some people are just terrible parents. One day when she was cursing at me for making a B, I asked her what her grades were and I just got silence. Two weeks later she was doing the same crap again anyways.

I took a weekend course a few days ago that was pretty insightful. You're a success if you're doing what you want to be doing, and it isn't based on anyone elses dreams or expectations. So figure out what you want/like to do, find out how to make a living doing it, and then do it. It doesn't always require good grades. For example, do you think gaming companies care what grades their animators made in high school? You can bet they're more concerned about how good they are at animating. Even if you don't know what you want now, wait, and you'll find direction. I know people who are sophomores in college here and have no idea what they want to do, still. Hopefully you'll figure it out before then, because if you don't, then you could end up taking whatever falls into your lap, which isn't the way to go.

Flippy_D · Tue 13/04/2004 17:40:13

Thanks for the replies, folks... I'm pretty drained right now though. Just... thanks :)

Dave Gilbert · Tue 13/04/2004 17:41:41

Flippy, I'm sorry. I really am. I was a pretty miserable teenager myself, so I know what you are going through. There's no real "advise" I can give, nor any special method for making it all better, but I can give you the benefit of my experience, which might make things look a bit less hopeless.

You are fifteen years old, and your life pretty much revolves around school and your home life. It was the same for me at that age, and I didn't really "fit" in either of those places. I was lucky in that I had pretty supportive parents, but I could tell they thought I was a bit odd. Hell, I *WAS* odd. At school, I never fit in. I never knew what to say to my classmates, and when I tried I failed miserably. During lunch and free periods, I would sequester myself in the school library to read; simply so I didn't have to talk to anybody. My early teenage years were pretty lonely, and I was often consumed by hopelessness. My grades were never that great either.

High school is such a SMALL place, and that's a shame. It's all you know. It's your only social circle. It's your only outlet. And if you don't "fit" there, you are screwed. The same goes for home life. You're trapped.

BUT... hang in there. You'll grow. You'll move on. You'll discover a whole world of options and possibilities. And most of all, you'll meet like-minded people who think just like you. I remember when I got to Uni and met people I really "clicked" with. I always thought I was a freak, but then I met other freaks, and I realzed that we weren't freaks at all.

One thing you say does concern me, though. How you don't enjoy anything except what you find online. There's a lot of good things to be found in cyberspace, but you can't devote your life to it. I went through a "getting back to basics" phase a few years ago. I got rid of my modem, cut the cable TV and sold the Playstation. I eventually reached a point where I felt comfortable getting them back, but it was very cathartic and forced me to seek interests elsewhere. The same might be good for you.

Good luck!

shbaz · Tue 13/04/2004 23:14:56

Quote from: Dave Gilbert on Tue 13/04/2004 17:41:41
BUT... hang in there. You'll grow. You'll move on. You'll discover a whole world of options and possibilities. And most of all, you'll meet like-minded people who think just like you. I remember when I got to Uni and met people I really "clicked" with. I always thought I was a freak, but then I met other freaks, and I realzed that we weren't freaks at all.

I couldn't agree with that more.. At Uni you have tens of thousands of people with so many varied interests and personalities, it's really something to look forward to if you decide to go. If you don't decide to go though, it's not the end of the world, because there are tons of other fun things to do with your life too, and Uni doesn't last forever.

Makes me feel like a royal dumbass for ever contemplating suicide when I was in high school. School prior to college is a real drainer on your morale.

Nellie · Wed 14/04/2004 00:14:10

Shit, Flippy, for your Dad to say something like that to you, I figured you must be some twenty-odd year old, no education, no job, hanging listlessly around the house and making no effort to sort yourself out or something.

But fucking fifteen?

Nobody is a failure at fifteen. I'm actually really angry that somebody would say that to a fifteen-year-old. You're not even out of frigging school yet, for fuck's sake.

So, in conclusion, m'lud, I disagree with your father.

Timosity · Wed 14/04/2004 12:20:27

It'll all work out ok Flippy

I can't add much but I think what DG said is fairly accurate.

You just need a bit more confidence, and don't let your dad drag you down

The tricky part is getting that confidence, cause there's no book on that either (there are books about it but if your reading them you're going the wrong way)

just give it time and things will fall into place (that's so cliche and fucking bullshit, I'm 28 and I'm still waiting) that's the key, but which lock does it open?