KANDYMAN up until now... not all good.

KANDYMAN-IAC · Tue 06/02/2007 10:44:31

Hi, I've been away from the forums for a while. And for a number of reasons, most of which people prolly don't care about. The main one being Alcohol, in the last 2 years I've been drinking myself stupid. My intake has probably been equivilant to 8 - 10 standard drinks 3-5 times a week. I started when i lost my girlfriend and job in the same month, and have been drinking ever since. Over two years I put on 10 kg (approx 22lb), and spent more than 9 months unemployed. (still "officially" unemployed). But in the last 3 months I've been turning that around. I've enrolled in a Music Theatre course with the Victorian College of the Arts, one of australias leading arts institutions. And for the last 4 weeks I've not been drinking and I've been dieting and exercising and have lost a total of 6kg (approx 14.2lb) thus far.

I'm feeling good about me, but feeling stung out in general. With out the alcohol what has become apparent was how my drinking was self medicating in an attempt to get away from anxiety, and depression issues. I've started to revert to how i was in high school, I'm anxious, nauseus, and constantly freaking myself out about irrational things. I'm sick of dark thoughts and rushing adrenalin.

Also this might sound a little odd explained this way but because I've never been a blokey bloke, and because of my theatre based interests I coped alot of crap in school for being gay, which hasn't gone away that much (at an average 50% of people think I am, which pisses me off). Recently one of my voice teachers, confronted me and told me I would prolly be a lot happier if I considered being honest with myself about my sexuality, and because I was depressed I went away for a week and thought about things, add in the fact that I worry about irrational things to begin with it was not a great week. And only now have i come to the end of it with the decision that I prefer women alot more than men. And once I realised that I was thinking about the subject from a forced perspective,( that was making me forget alot of life experiences), I calmed down and I realised I'm me, and I've always been honest... just single and no girls like me (but then its hard for girls to like a guy who totally mood swings, and gives off weird emotional vibes).

My brain sucks. The other thing that is currently driving me made is the concept of mortality and the soul. I'm having trouble reconiling its existence. So it takes a extra half hour to get to sleep because I have to stop get up, and calm myself down... my mind swims, i feel like I'm falling, and sometimes i feel like being ill and my body can even tense up (like right now).

I don't know what I hope to get out of writing this, it all seems a bit random, I guess I wanted to vent and be heard. Thank you all for listening.

Nikolas · Tue 06/02/2007 11:04:49

I can't say that "I've been there"... I've had various problems in the past, but not similar to yours really... (a pregnant girlfriend while in the army. Getting married while in the army. Having a kid while in the army. Having 2 kids while studying, and I'm still am... HOLD ON! this is not about me)...

*ahem*...

Sympathetic posts might get you a little further, so count this one as one of those...

Drinking and having a shity life...: OUCH!

You've stoped drinking: That's great! Indeed drinking can be a huge problem, but since you know about it and already stoped, there's only 1 advice to give you really: If you are indeed what we call "alcoholic" then 1 drop of alcohol will ruin everything! At least for a long time to come! The trick is not to think that "ok, it's just 1 night and then I'm back to monking..." doesn't work this way unfortunately...

You've lost weight: I envy you! I should be 15 kilos lighter right now!

I will do it eventually.... (see? It's happening everywhere... I will...start my diet later on... I still have time... same with alcohol, cigarette everything!)

Actually on the gay stuff:

I have a friend who is 32 at the time. He was always considered gay, except from me and my brother. He never played football, and enjopyed playing girly stuff (even dolls actually!). Is he gay, finally? I have no idea to be honest! Has he been with a girl? I think so, he did mention whores the other day. Does it make ANY difference at all? NOPE!

AGS forums have lelped me in the past. Honestly they have! And although it's "just a forum", still I take courage from some people. And it's almost stupid, but if I PM somebody I know that he will be there to listen...

So... from me: thanks...

Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens · Tue 06/02/2007 11:16:27

If you can't get a handle on your own anxiety then perhaps either counseling or medication like Paxil is the answer. I have bouts of anxiety now and again but largely I can control it since mine stems from hypochondria. If you really are depressed, don't just lay around waiting for it to get better, seek some counseling or anti-depressants (or both). Taken for a short term, such medications can really turn you around and let you see how silly all the fears you're having are, and I speak from experience.

biothlebop · Tue 06/02/2007 12:34:40

http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
If I am anxious, reading this makes me sometimes feel serene.

DGMacphee · Tue 06/02/2007 13:00:38

Quote from: KANDYMAN-IAC on Tue 06/02/2007 10:44:31
Also this might sound a little odd explained this way but because I've never been a blokey bloke, and because of my theatre based interests I coped alot of crap in school for being gay, which hasn't gone away that much (at an average 50% of people think I am, which pisses me off). Recently one of my voice teachers, confronted me and told me I would prolly be a lot happier if I considered being honest with myself about my sexuality, and because I was depressed I went away for a week and thought about things, add in the fact that I worry about irrational things to begin with it was not a great week. And only now have i come to the end of it with the decision that I prefer women alot more than men. And once I realised that I was thinking about the subject from a forced perspective,( that was making me forget alot of life experiences), I calmed down and I realised I'm me, and I've always been honest... just single and no girls like me (but then its hard for girls to like a guy who totally mood swings, and gives off weird emotional vibes).

Dude, your voice teacher is full of shit. I was into theatre and so forth and a lot of people thought I was gay. But then I thought about the proof for and against being gay:

FOR
Some bullshit stereotype that all theatre people are gay

AGAINST
I can't dance ala the stereotype that gay people can
My bedroom is consistently messy ala stereotype that gay people are neat
I like boobs
And women
And sex with women
oh and this one time this girl and I [deleted by moderators] and then the goat ate the rest

Yeah, that last one, that convinced me I wasn't gay.

Andail · Tue 06/02/2007 17:26:10

If it makes you feel any better, you didn't strike me as gay when we first met back in...whenever that was. You did however strike me as a person with a weakness for booze.
To be so sensitive about ones sexually hints at a rather wounded self esteem. Especially for a person who, just a few years ago, claimed to be a great lover...yes, I keep track of your threads, buddy.

The stuff in the end of your posts seems like pretty common panic attacks, which typically come with age. It's normal to be angsty about life and death when there are lots of changes in your life, and just the experience of having gained and lost a lot of body fat (people who read about those 10 kg should know that Kandyman is like 160 cm tall or something, so it's actually not so little...) affects the mental state more than one would first think.

Although you should never accept advice from the internet, here's some advice:
Begin with taking some really mild nature medicine to help you fall asleep. Good sleeping habits are alpha and omega.
If you start to feel depressed, seek out a shrink and get some anti-depressive.

LimpingFish · Tue 06/02/2007 22:29:44

I'm a 30 year old, 230 pound, 6' 3" Obsessive Compulsive (medicated), with little or no direction in life. It really doesn't matter if I get up in the morning or not...

Wait. Where was I going with this?

I've never been tempted to drown or smoke away my sorrows, and see little point in dwelling on things that are really down to my own inability to take hold of my life.

I know where I stand, and I know I was the one who chose to stand here.

When life truly becomes too horrible to bear, you have three choices:

1. Find the strength to change.
2. Consign yourself to your lot in life.
3. Spend your time blaming everybody and his dog on the social and emotional quagmire you've found yourself in, and live out your days bitter, twisted, and alone.

Usually you start at number 3, and hopefully you'll end at number 1.

KANDYMAN-IAC · Tue 06/02/2007 23:01:15

The thing is I don't really blame others, I blame myself. I mentally take my problems out on myself... which fuels the anxiety. This does make me easily irritated by people and comes out as mood swings.

Good news though I just got a referral to a Psychologist from my GP today, and I will call them this afternoon to see how much it is going to cost.

LimpingFish · Tue 06/02/2007 23:05:02

Quote from: KANDYMAN-IAC on Tue 06/02/2007 23:01:15
The thing is I don't really blame others, I blame myself.

Oh sure, I wasn't pointing the finger or anything. It was just a general "you".

Czar · Tue 06/02/2007 23:46:03

I think it's time we all Awoke the Heroes Within.
By Carol S. Pearson

Stupot · Tue 06/02/2007 23:47:33

I used to get quite depressed, but I was lucky that it mustve been quite mild (although it didn't feel like it at the time) because I managed to get out of it after a matter of time without telling anybody. Ã,Â Today I still get anxious, sometimes I feel left out or lonely, other times I want to be alone.

About the gay thing. Ã,Â I'm useless with women and hence rarely get any interest from the girls... I know my family soemtimes think i'm gay. Ã,Â But I know I'm not, men just simply don't turn me on. Ã,Â I really like girls and one day I'll find one who will see through my nervousness and force me to take her out, then I'll be well on my way.

May I suggest keeping off the prescriptions until you've been having counselling for a little while first, you may find you start making good progress without them... the drugs are fine all the time you are on them, but I know a few people who have gotten worse than ever when theyve come of it.

Helm · Wed 07/02/2007 00:21:24

Teacher that told you to come to terms with your sexuality probably wanted to have his way with you.

Do what Andail told you about medication. If you have a propensity towards substance abuse (and you do) PLEASE don't take any pill before serious consideration and talking it over with professionals. You might like it more than you can handle.

KANDYMAN-IAC · Wed 07/02/2007 01:14:33

My teacher doesn't want his way with me... i hope. I am very against medication. VERY AGAINST... it is going to be a last LAST resort.

[Cameron] · Wed 07/02/2007 06:03:15

Nice work on getting into VCA. Whole bunch of my friends are hoping to audition to get in at the end of this year. Their auditions clash with schoolies, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, I have mood swings to a degree, at one point I broke down in tears at school for no reason. Twice I've been referred to a psychologist, but uh, I didn't. My girlfriend is total hippy and so she convinced me to do natural alternatives the second time round, first time I just ignored it all and told myself I was alright, which is not the best approach. It worked for me, although I'm not gonna suggest you only take these options over "recognized" medication, but it is a good idea to seek out the different options. Anyway, good luck