How would you deal with this?

[R4L]

OK, so I was dating this girl named Brittany. We only dated for 3 weeks until we decided we should be friends and no hard feelings.

Here's where it gets weird.

We hung out on Saturday, and she kissed me and acted like we were still dating. So I told her again that I don't want to date, and we got into a small argument. I decided to break it off with her, but still be friends and I let her know I wasn't kidding. She was pissed about it, and didn't speak to me much. I had to get her to talk to me, and even then she barely said much...

Well, today she tried to commit suicide, and she was successful for about 5 minutes until doctors brought her back.

I feel like somehow I pushed her to the edge more. I mean she was completely normal when we hung out. Smiled and laughed, had fun... I just can't fathom how she went through with it. I can't help but think I somehow played a small role in her decision. I don't love her, but I do care about her. She says it wasn't anything to do with me, but the timing is just too coincidental.

My question is, how should I deal with this? I'm a wreck right now. Everyone I've talked to about it has said it's not my fault, but the timing is too coincidental for me to believe otherwise...

It seems I always have some kind of drama every time I post here. I'm sorry about that... I just can't deal with this. I've never had this happen before. How would you deal with it?

[Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens]

Solution?  Put as much distance between you and her as you can.  She's sick, and people who are like that have a tendency of spreading their emotional instability to others.  Clearly you were not at fault for this; no one can be blamed for another persons' suicide or attempt.  She clearly has other, more outstanding issues and believe me you don't want to get wrapped up in all that drama, especially at your age.  Bring her some flowers at the hospital maybe, tell her you're sorry she felt like she needed to do something so drastic, but then reassert yourself respectfully and make an exit from her life until she learns how to deal with her feelings in a rational manner.  This should be a lesson to follow your gut when it comes to relationships turning sour.

[Jbass]

wow thats pretty heavy 

Progz is a smart fellow, his solution sounds like the right one, but be careful. 

[R4L]

Solution?  Put as much distance between you and her as you can.  She's sick, and people who are like that have a tendency of spreading their emotional instability to others.  Clearly you were not at fault for this; no one can be blamed for another persons' suicide or attempt.  She clearly has other, more outstanding issues and believe me you don't want to get wrapped up in all that drama, especially at your age.  Bring her some flowers at the hospital maybe, tell her you're sorry she felt like she needed to do something so drastic, but then reassert yourself respectfully and make an exit from her life until she learns how to deal with her feelings in a rational manner.  This should be a lesson to follow your gut when it comes to relationships turning sour.

That's the best advice I've gotten all day. That definitely puts things into better perspective, and it does explain my sour mood...

Thanks for the advice Prog. Will definitely follow it.

[Domino]

She tried to kill herself after only dating you for 3 weeks?? It probably was not you, but some underlying problem, maybe with past loves who had turned on her, or was totally obsessed with you and could not live without you.

Does she suffer from depression or anxiety that you know of?

I have a friend who has tried to kill himself countless times, but I think he does it because he needs attention, and was an only child who was abused as a kid. He is screaming out for help, and doesn't know how.

Brittany will probably be evaluated by many doctors to find out why she chose suicide. Jeez, sometimes if you just mention you want to kill yourself, you end up in a Psych ward in a hospital until they deem you fit to return to society.

[monkey0506]

The dick part of me wants to go for the obvious answer and say, "Kill yourself."

There..now that I've said that, let's be entirely more serious. You can't control anyone else's actions, though obviously you can affect their decisions about certain things. The fact of the matter is that you had already agreed to be "just friends" and she still tried to press the relationship. You again told her blatantly that it wasn't going to be more than that..

If her actions were a response to this then you must not blame yourself..all that would do is exacerbate the problem. The one person in the world who means more to me than any other person on this planet is "just" my friend. She's my best friend though..and despite the fact that I love her more than words can express..my "romantic" feelings are unrequited. She does care about me as a friend and tells me frequently how much my friendship means to her.

There was a time that I wasn't able to cope with being "just" friends, and I drove myself crazy trying to find ways of coming to terms with reality. I went through the stages of denial..and everything..until finally I was able to accept it for what it is. Although I never seriously attempted suicide, I would never blame her for any of my own actions. Nor would I ever want her to feel responsible for them.

The point is, this girl made a choice. She may have felt influenced by the rejection of her advances, and perhaps that could even have been the only reason she could produce why she followed the path of action that she did. Regardless of whether or not she counts it as the only reason, one of many, or rather honestly feels it was totally unrelated, you are not responsible.

You can't force yourself to have a certain emotional response for someone..it simply doesn't happen that way. As much heartache and grief and pain and suffering as this reality may bring about, you can't change how you feel. I'm sure you can't help but feel responsible for what took place, but the reality is that you weren't the one who did it to her. She acted for herself.

The best advice I can give would be for her to seek counseling and..if the dick part of me can interject once again, for her to grow up. Maturity takes time and it's not always easy, but it's what she needs to learn about life and relationships.."You can't always get what you want.."

As for you, if you feel that you are suffering from extreme feelings of guilt, remorse, or otherwise, perhaps it might be beneficial for you to seek professional help as well..just until things smooth over and you can really start to believe what I've been saying.

Just my thoughts on it though..not sure if that's a good thing or not.

[InCreator]

Run.
As fast and far as possible.

I can't help but think I somehow played a small role in her decision

This is what's wrong. It works both ways: 1) forces blame and responsibility over you to take care of her and give in to her moods and 2) "Girl tried to kill herself over me!" boosts ego in strange way and gives an illusion that there's something very special going on if she goes THAT far

Both assumptions are wrong. People who want to kill themselves take a piece of rope, go to forest and are not heard of again. Failed suicide trials are ALWAYS for show and attention. And to gain control over other person.

So,
run.

[R4L]

The dick part of me wants to go for the obvious answer and say, "Kill yourself."

There..now that I've said that, let's be entirely more serious. You can't control anyone else's actions, though obviously you can affect their decisions about certain things. The fact of the matter is that you had already agreed to be "just friends" and she still tried to press the relationship. You again told her blatantly that it wasn't going to be more than that..

If her actions were a response to this then you must not blame yourself..all that would do is exacerbate the problem. The one person in the world who means more to me than any other person on this planet is "just" my friend. She's my best friend though..and despite the fact that I love her more than words can express..my "romantic" feelings are unrequited. She does care about me as a friend and tells me frequently how much my friendship means to her.

There was a time that I wasn't able to cope with being "just" friends, and I drove myself crazy trying to find ways of coming to terms with reality. I went through the stages of denial..and everything..until finally I was able to accept it for what it is. Although I never seriously attempted suicide, I would never blame her for any of my own actions. Nor would I ever want her to feel responsible for them.

The point is, this girl made a choice. She may have felt influenced by the rejection of her advances, and perhaps that could even have been the only reason she could produce why she followed the path of action that she did. Regardless of whether or not she counts it as the only reason, one of many, or rather honestly feels it was totally unrelated, you are not responsible.

You can't force yourself to have a certain emotional response for someone..it simply doesn't happen that way. As much heartache and grief and pain and suffering as this reality may bring about, you can't change how you feel. I'm sure you can't help but feel responsible for what took place, but the reality is that you weren't the one who did it to her. She acted for herself.

The best advice I can give would be for her to seek counseling and..if the dick part of me can interject once again, for her to grow up. Maturity takes time and it's not always easy, but it's what she needs to learn about life and relationships.."You can't always get what you want.."

As for you, if you feel that you are suffering from extreme feelings of guilt, remorse, or otherwise, perhaps it might be beneficial for you to seek professional help as well..just until things smooth over and you can really start to believe what I've been saying.

Just my thoughts on it though..not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I'm only feeling remorse because I like who she is. She's actually a cool person, and isn't immature, well at least she hasn't shown any immaturity to me. I'm going to follow Prog, InCreator's and your advice. It seems the most logical and you guys are right; she has problems and I can't get sucked into them because things will get worse. I only felt like a wreck because I've never known someone that's tried to commit suicide... it's just a new thing I've just been exposed to. I mean my brother has had friends who killed themselves, and I felt bad, but this is a more personal thing because I actually KNOW her pretty well, and she's someone I considered really dating and perhaps getting into a deeper relationship, getting closer.

Is it wrong however, if I told her that if she has to talk about anything that I'll listen? I mean, it's not getting into her problems, but I assumed that if she tried committing suicide, that it might mean she has no one to confide in. Is that wrong to assume that?

Run.
As fast and far as possible.

I can't help but think I somehow played a small role in her decision

This is what's wrong. It works both ways: 1) forces blame and responsibility over you to take care of her and give in to her moods and 2) "Girl tried to kill herself over me!" boosts ego in strange way and gives an illusion that there's something very special going on if she goes THAT far

Both assumptions are wrong. People who want to kill themselves take a piece of rope, go to forest and are not heard of again. Failed suicide trials are ALWAYS for show and attention. And to gain control over other person.

So,
run.

A cry for help maybe? I agree with you though. I'm sure she told someone she was going to do it. How else would they have found her?

She tried to kill herself after only dating you for 3 weeks?? It probably was not you, but some underlying problem, maybe with past loves who had turned on her, or was totally obsessed with you and could not live without you.

Does she suffer from depression or anxiety that you know of?

I have a friend who has tried to kill himself countless times, but I think he does it because he needs attention, and was an only child who was abused as a kid. He is screaming out for help, and doesn't know how.

Brittany will probably be evaluated by many doctors to find out why she chose suicide. Jeez, sometimes if you just mention you want to kill yourself, you end up in a Psych ward in a hospital until they deem you fit to return to society.

She's under suicide watch for 72 hours at the hospital. She says she's fine and that she'll never do it again,  and they have counselors there helping her out. Also, to answer your first sentence, she WAS in a 3 year relationship, but that was about a month and a half ago.

[monkey0506]

Is it wrong however, if I told her that if she has to talk about anything that I'll listen? I mean, it's not getting into her problems, but I assumed that if she tried committing suicide, that it might mean she has no one to confide in. Is that wrong to assume that?

If you want to follow Prog's advice then I would say that you would be wrong to try and maintain the relationship (that is, the friendship), even if you're trying to help her out. The reason being not that you don't want to help her in dealing with her shortcomings, but rather just to ensure that she doesn't drag you down to her level.

I would say you really have to take care with the scenario. How much does the friendship mean to you? How confident are you that you would be able to maintain your own composure in dealing with her problems? Do you, yourself have people to confide in that would be willing to tell you if you're getting in too deep? These are just some of the questions that come to mind.

If you honestly feel like against the odds you could produce more good for her than bad for yourself by being there for her and trying to help her, then I would say it's a worthwhile venture. I've had suicidal friends before and with my own issues it's extremely difficult to keep myself in check..but personally I like to think that I've been able to help at least one of them more than he's hurt me by not just cutting him off.

The person I'm thinking of has been basically alienated by friends and family alike throughout the years that I've known him, but I refused to ever give up on him. Even when I couldn't talk to him, I still remained thoughtful, and still tried to put forward some effort to show that I hadn't abandoned him. I can't say it was always easy though, coz it was far from it.

As I said, you really have to handle that with care..and I would suggest if you're even considering it that you have a support group yourself to make sure that she's not bringing you down. In fact the best thing might be to try and keep her engaged with a group of people (a small group, maybe about 5 people) that don't suffer from issues like this. People that you could entrust not to provoke, belittle, or judge her for what she's done, and would try to help her in her recovery. That way it would be less likely for her to just focus all the negative attention and energy on one person and she could find more positive ways of coping and relieving her stress.

Then again, I don't really know..I'm not a psychotherapist or anything..just seems to make sense to me.

[R4L]

It makes sense though. I think I can keep my composure against it. Also, she could always hang around me and 2 of her close friends.

Her problem is that she won't tell anyone what's going on. She wouldn't even tell her best friend what was going on. If I asked her what was bugging her, she'd brush it off. Just let it bottle up inside...

I just let her know that if she has to say something, tell her parents, or her sisters, and if she can't, then tell me or go see a counselor.

I have my own problems right now, specifically a speeding ticket, no job, my grades in college, and mild depression from failed relationship attempts, but just venting this out has made me more confident that things will be fine, and I just need to work harder. With that said, I believe I can pull it off, without getting in too deep.

I'll let her know tomorrow when I drop off her flowers and a card, that I'm here as a friend if she has any problems or has to talk about anything, but I'm going to re-assure her on my position that I just want to be friends. If it starts to get to me, I have friends and family to talk to, and if it gets bad, I have the college support center.

It's funny how you can just ask something like this on a forum, and get answers back. You said you aren't a therapist, but sh*t you might as well be haha. There's always good advice to follow here, and I think that's why I've never really left this place.  

I'll post how it goes tomorrow, and I won't get in over my head. Thanks again for the wonderful advice.  

[rharpe]

Try fixing your life before you try to fix hers. This is not selfish, just plain common sense.

[Andail]

It's funny how you can just ask something like this on a forum, and get answers back. You said you aren't a therapist, but sh*t you might as well be haha. There's always good advice to follow here, and I think that's why I've never really left this place.  

This is indeed why AGS is a very good community, as long as you take everything for layman tips and not professional councelling.

[Iliya]

You've kissed a girl that you don't love? Don't do anything when you are not sure. Especially when there are feelings involved.

[Phemar]

I'm gonna give my 5 cents here. Dont be her friend. If she has feelings for you it's just gonna make things worse. If you become her friend and you guys start hanging out quite a lot and you just happen to get along really well, her feelings for you will just increase. It's better to distance yourself from her right now, and then in a month or two when she's over you, then maybe you can try out friendship.

But IMO one of the worst things you can do is to go straight from breakup to friends. People need time

[Calin Leafshade]

You've kissed a girl that you don't love?

That's not helping. Don't be naive.

@R4L, I've had a similar (although not as extreme) experience and my advice is much the same as everyone elses. i.e don't blame yourself and distance yourself from the situation.

However, since I have experienced this before I realise that advice is not very helpful since its not that easy. Be responsible and sensible without emotionally burdening yourself. It's not easy.

[Iliya]

@R4L, I've had a similar (although not as extreme) experience and my advice is...

Calin, you've kissed a girl at the time when your avatar picture is taken? Then she realized that you are boy?

[Calin Leafshade]

If you behave similarly in person to the way you do on the forum I imagine I've kissed more girls than you have.

[Iliya]

If you behave similarly in person to the way you do on the forum I imagine I've kissed more girls than you have.

You've kissed a girl, and you liked it...

Callin you've kissed more girls than I have. I've kissed only 1 girl - the one that I love.

[Anian]

Callin you've kissed more girls than I have.

Yeah, but you'd be having a harder time finding a girl that'll believe you're an elf. 

[Calin Leafshade]

The elf thing can be both a help and a hinderance... it's the leggings