I'm messed up

[InCreator]

My life routine is simple: work and home. No friends, going out, women, outside hobbies, nothing. Just work and video games. So basically, I spend 16-18 hours infront of PC daily. I'm male and 26.

Only thing I have besides this, is creativity. And this also has become a terrible struggle lately. I mean, I have near-lethal urge to express myself somehow. Make something. Be known.

I try making music, drawing, making a game of some kind, make a video, 3D modelling... but sad fact is, I'm unable to finish whatever I start. And quite quickly really. I start a new track in FruityLoops, make a basic beat, try to add bass and I don't like it. Quit & play some game.

I start a project in AGS or Game Maker, animate main character with painful amount of quality and dedication, write huge portion of engine, save and close. And somehow, I cannot continue this project, ever. Whenever I'm the the mood, I open it, fix few lines of code, and close it again, without progressing thing much.

Opening old projects always make me go "wow" and think that "this is so awesome, I must be crazy not to finish it", but somehow, that feeling fuels me only to make little insignifant changes or addons and never to actually continue those. Also, I like video games. Too much. I start watching a movie, and 30 minutes into movie, I have urge to play something. Same with creating.

I have about 80 unfinished songs of different genres, over 300 game maker projects (of which most would surely be liked by players), about two dozens of AGS games... all unfinished with dim hope of ever seeing release.

Sometimes, I think that I'm doing it wrong. I shouldn't create at all and do something else. But there's nothing else to do. And this urge to do something, release, get famous - won't go away.

I won't add a question or anything to the end of this post. But if you have an opinion or advice or just anything relevant, I would love to hear this.

[ThreeOhFour]

If you simply can't finish the projects that you start, start smaller projects. Tiny projects, if you have to.

Then, using the momentum you gain off doing such a thing, start working your way up to slightly bigger projects.

Go out every now and then - with a lady or with friends. Yeah, it eats into your precious computer time, but A. you need a break from the darn magic computer box every now and then anyway and B. there's no point sitting in front of the computer box working on a game you're not gonna finish anyway.

If you really feel such an urge, and so strongly, act on it. Yes, it takes discipline to finish a game, especially if you're trying to do everything yourself - but nothing good comes without hard work and perseverance (okay, that's untrue, sometimes good stuff just happens, but you get my point).

And hey, if none of that works find someone motivated and dedicated to work with. That way you'll have greater incentive and ability to finish the game.

[Nikolas]

I'm also having this urge to create things. I think that I'm very creative! But I do music.

You're trying to do games, videos, art, music, lyrics and Gawd knows what else! It's simply too diverse and too much. Just limit yourself to a few things and try starting small. Or find more reasons to keep on working on a particular project.

Other than that, what you're describing is not really far off trying to quit smoking, or being on  a diet: You have to say to yourself "NO" and remind yourself the reasons (bad for health, being famous, etc).

Being famous is a result, not the reason for doing something. Although very nice, it should remain subtle in the end of things, not the fuel for doing something, cause it leads to rather unpleasent phychology (as you very well know).

[Anian]

Nothing relevant to add, a bit curious about this myself since I'm basically in the same stew...and not in "I know how you feel" but in almost identical kind of way...I'm gonna regret this time of my life later on, I just know it.

[Snake]

I'm pretty much in the same shoes game-wise. I've never finished anything (with the exception of Castle of Fire). I have all these cool ideas and I write them down, even start them in AGS, thinking it's "Full steam ahead", but they quickly end up in limbo. I don't understand it either. Maybe it has something to do with needing our ideas to stay fresh? Once you get used to a specific thing and work on it, it get's too concrete, getting too serious, thus losing the spark.

I've been working on a christmas game for somebody that I planned on finishing to give to them on Christmas day. Time's been quickly running out, so I decided that maybe just a demo should be my goal. I'm starting to doubt even that now.

[InCreator]

Being famous is a result, not the reason for doing something. Although very nice, it should remain subtle in the end of things, not the fuel for doing something, cause it leads to rather unpleasent phychology (as you very well know).

It's not so much about being famous but more like being somebody. You know, I described how meaningless my life is - I'm useless worker ant. No wife or kids to provide to, no-one really benefits from my existence.

And I've always dreamed about going out with a bang, leaving a mark of myself. Since there's no way I'm inventing a dynamite or cure for cancer, creating is all I have. And well, something I have talent in.
Pity it has its downside... then again, maybe creating is what gives me false illusion about being/doing something useful and I should end this stupid struggle and do something else...

Also, perfectionism. How to cure it? If I drew 50% simpler sprites, add 50% less explosions and glow effects, did "tiny" projects as suggested, etc - I could finish my creations and release them. But... i wouldn't like them then!

edit: Also, not being able to finish stuff thing: I realize that I have no skill to work hard. Since age of 3, I've always been that wonder kid, I learned to read by age 4, NEVER did any homework at school since I grasped things "from air" pretty much, and success never needed any effort. So, from the start of my life, I've never had to work my ass off for - anything. I think creating something to the finish actually needs that skill... Kids who had problems at studying spent days and nights to do homework and for them that skill is pretty natural. So I guess I'm paying the price now.

Well, situation is what title says: I'm messed up with no clarity at the horizon.

[jetxl]

Ah, you have reached your quarterlife crisis. You'll have live through that yourself, but the least you can do is find an outdoor hobby that you like. It'll cheer you up.
Maybe you could work on a small project together with one or two other people as a team. It distributes the work load and keeps you motivated (drop me a line if you're recruiting).
So don't beat yourself up about this, you got us and that counts as something.

[auriond]

Sounds to me like your inability to finish stuff is tied to the fact that there's no one to encourage you and keep nagging you to finish it and criticise and point out and generally take an interest in your work. Never mind if you were a wonder kid or not. You need supportive friends, either online or off.

Also, being online and being a gamer doesn't have to mean no social life. It was how I met my husband. You just need to keep an open mind and force yourself not to keep thinking of what else you could be doing. Go out, have fun, join a Mittens or two (or whatever equivalent you have in your area), or join some other community where you can do something you love TOGETHER with other people. My husband has a group of close friends he met through online gaming as well, so it can't be all bad. But you do need some away time from the computer.

[Wyz]

I recognise a lot of what you've said, I don't know if it'd help but I could tell you a story about my life. I've had a certain moment in my life I felt the same. Also could not finish a single thing. I was a perfectionist, but I still am, so that could not have been the problem. Well, I'm also a tad lazy, don't know if that had something to do with it. What I do know, is that the whole phase was caused by lack of motive. That is, there is more then one kind of motive, you can really want somthing but don't feel like it. It took me some time to figure out what was causing it. For my it was the lack of acknowledgement, I need to hear from somebody else that I'm on the right track. It makes me more confident that what I'm doing is useful. In effect, I felt like completing whatever it was I was doing, and that made me feel useful. Well, some of my ambitions still are going nowhere fast, but everytime I get a positive feedback I will be extra motivated.

I'm lazy, so I sometimes need extra motivation, making deadlines helps, but even more when somebody else makes them.

[InCreator]

What I do know, is that the whole phase was caused by lack of motive. That is, there is more then one kind of motive, you can really want somthing but don't feel like it. It took me some time to figure out what was causing it. For my it was the lack of acknowledgement, I need to hear from somebody else that I'm on the right track.

You're definitely pressing correct button here. Reading this makes my brain tingle in weird way.

With creations - I refuse to use anything premade and pretty much ideas of others. So I might not be a very good team player... 10 imps bringing my ideas into life would be still awesome, though. Or simply clones of myself

So, acknowledgment?
First, I live in a country I call a frog pond - there's about 30-35 people who make indie games (out of 1.3 million!) and I know them all. Teenagers mostly, only 2 guys older than me. Of course, there's some professional developers, but they don't stay here for a second since it's much better paid in other countries. So, nobody really knows anything about making games or that such thing even existst - someone being able to make a video game... also, whenever I tell anyone I make games as a hobby and yes, one can actually learn that! - there's that damn question: "Wow! Can I see your games? What games have you made?"
...and that's an embarrassing moment.

So of course, I've suffered under lack of acknowledgment since I started all this (age of 7). Nobody really knows what I'm doing and parents believed most of my childhood that I'm simply crazy, doing some strange voodoo with computer at nights.

Outside hobby & friends it would bring would be something I'd really love, but I don't have a clue where to start...  also, Estonia is friggin' cold. It's -10C as I'm typing this and we jokingly call summer "a bad skiing weather". So there's not very many options...

Also, what I realize while typing this is that I've started to walk into my limits by this age and am afraid to let creativity go since it's one of few things I'm potentially good at...

[ThreeOhFour]

If that's your problem, then just annoy people you know from AGS via PM with builds of your games in progress.

Works for me 

[Theme]

Me too, have the same problem. Never finished anything
I now often see Completed Game Announcements and AGS Games in Production threads to see them and I get inspired and full of ideas
But dunno if I ever going to finish them
o/

[auriond]

So, nobody really knows anything about making games or that such thing even existst - someone being able to make a video game... also, whenever I tell anyone I make games as a hobby and yes, one can actually learn that! - there's that damn question: "Wow! Can I see your games? What games have you made?"
...and that's an embarrassing moment.

Tell me about it. So what's your response to something like that?

[InCreator]

Heavily fogging and dodging the topic. Like, "some little ones in the past, but I think they're lost in the internet by now" (which is true, actually. When I started out, I was much more productive) or something like this.

[Calin Leafshade]

When it comes to productivity i have 2 messiahs.

http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/archives/2006/07/071106.html

and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhFc5kmC-DA

They both inspire me on a daily basis.

[TOASTASAUR]

If you get listless while sitting down and focusing on one thing for an extended period of time, find a reason to remain seated. Listening to music's really good, especially if it's suited to your project and you know it well. That way it can inspire you, without distracting you, because it passes through you without your concious attetion. You end up chanelling it, and you become like... I dunno, a conduit maybe?
Anyway, music helps me.

[Andail]

I know what your problem is. Since you have little else in your life going on right now, there's so much pressure on you to accomplish something during all those lonely hours in front of the computer.
You need to make that time precious, something rare. You need to fill your days with more than just a monitor staring back at you.

The problem is that the more reclusive you are now, when you're basically in the prime of your life, the harder will it be for you to socialise, make friends and meet women later on. Because you will get used to and comfortable with the solitude.

I would prescribe more social activities, maybe evening courses, volontary work, date women, maybe start your own study circles.

[markbilly]

I know what your problem is. Since you have little else in your life going on right now, there's so much pressure on you to accomplish something during all those lonely hours in front of the computer.
You need to make that time precious, something rare. You need to fill your days with more than just a monitor staring back at you.

This is so true. I have been waiting for the whole of term for my Christmas holiday so I can get a bit further with my game, but truth is, I've got a staggering amount done in term time and nothing in the holiday. This is because during term time (when I have uni work to do and a girlfriend to spend time with) the few hours I get to work on it are so precious that is all I want to do. And so I get loads done.

[Dualnames]

You nag about unfinished projects? Hell, how about trying to finish for 1 and a half year now? How about working so much hours you've forgotten how your house looks like. How about you having 8 months or so to have a good time with a lady?

Okay, on second thought I can't top your achievements. You win.

[Oliwerko]

I second what Andail and markbilly said about the time presciousness, it also works for me.

Anyway, I was (am) very close to this state. Hence AGS. I'm a perfectionist, same as you. I'm not happy with anything I know I could do better. Result? My first game has few rooms and main character complete and in this complete state, it lies on my HDD for years. And this pissed me off for a long time.

I'm very much like you, I often develop a strong interest in something - but as fast as it came, as fast it disappears after not that long time.

Also what you have said about being 'somebody - at least for me, I was having these feelings that I wanted to tell people something like 'well, I do music' or 'I do games' or anything. Like - really 'do' = I FINISH tunes, I FINISH games. Not only TRY to do them. I just wanted to have that cool 'balanced' image - like for example band members have. They have their band, they play every other day and that's it. And me? I just lurk online endlessly starting over with my first game. I wanted to have something that I keep doing, that I enjoy doing and I'm good at it.

What worked for me was music. I don't know why, but it is the first thing where I happen to start a project and then I finish it. I don't know why music, but this urge to create does not wear off as easily as in the other fields (art, etc.). I have given up trying to learn to draw, or painfully trying to finish my first game. To hell with it, if I'm not able to continue, so be it. I believe one cannot do everything, even when he would like to do so.

When I felt like you (which was not really a long time ago) and was in this state of looking for something real to do (and besides that some more psychologically tough things happened to me), I wrote a story, in which the main protagonist was almost the same as me.
Now as twisted as it may sound, I took myself, my opinions and feelings - put them into this guy, multiplied them by 5 and then made a story with him. I wouldn't believe that something like this could help me get over a lot of things. It actually did. I was forced to think and that's what helped me a lot. I simply put down all of my thoughts and that was it - suddenly, I felt better. I don't know if this means anything, but I felt like sharing the experience.

I'm not a party animal, so many social activities go past me. That leaves me with a lot of time on my own. Despite this fact, I discovered that I cannot do without friends. I lose interest in anything. For the last year or so, I got to know a lot of new people, and got closer to some others. Why now, I don't know. But it also helped me a lot.

I don't know if the above makes sense, for some reason I have troubles explaining it (hence I wrote the story, to force myself  ). I also don't know what works for you. But what was my problem was the fact that I had no stable hobby, nothing I could really say I do. Finding that (and most importantly, forgetting about all the other things I wanted to do!), along with having a good time with friends really helps a lot. Maybe that could be worth a shot.