I really need help... badly...

[R4L]

My relationship just ended today because of who I am. I'm a young man, 17 years old, and I'm admitting I have a problem that I need help with.

The girl I am so in love with, who I've spent a long time with, told me I don't know how to treat people with manners and respect, because I am always an asshole.

I tend to think I know everything sometimes. I lie to get out of things I'm too scared to do, which could be from riding a rollercoaster to meeting someone new. I always try to get out of it. That means I am a pessimist because I always look at the bad things first.

I DO have manners. I do everything I can to make her happy, but something always happens and I end up saying something that makes her think I am an asshole. I realized that this has been happening ever since I was old enough to have an ego.

I feel that if I lose her forever, that I'll never be able to do this again. I put so much into making it work, and in the end, my own fucking personality got in the way and ended something that shouldn't have. It's because of who I am, which has fucked up so much for me and others in my life. I've lost friendships, I've lost everyone's trust, and I'll never gain it back.

I know I haven't posted here very much, which makes this really hard to say. Most of you probably don't remember me, or remember the younger me, who pretended to be black and forever became Rap4Life42o who didn't know how to be an adult. Some of you might think that because of this post I might not act like an adult. My best friend told me to get over this whole thing and stop being a fucking little girl about it. Most of you will say the same. This is the internet after all.

I'm asking if someone will help me. I really, desperately, need to learn how to control myself. It's seriously a problem that I have to get rid of or I'm going to end up throwing a lot of important things away. I need some sort of solution. I need her so much, and it hurts so much to know that I'm in the way of it all. I need some sort of control.

If you ignore this whole thing, I understand. It's not anyone's job to help someone they don't know, and I doubt anyone wants to anyway. If anyone cares though, I really need help. I have to change, because I don't want to be like this... this isn't who I am.

[Ghost]

Well, by the sound of it, posting this has cost you, and saying aloud, in a public place, what you just did- that you have a problem and seek help- is already a large and important step. I daresay you're young enough to see your troubles as "more extreme" than they possibly are, but I won't say you're not serious!

You say you need help to control your manners, tempers, to get more of a grip on yourself. I can only speak for myself but don't mind saying I once faced similar (though not all-too-similar) difficulties in my days (I was 18 by that time). Those days I found a bit of strength in a part-time job; supervising children and teenagers. To them I was the "older one", and they tended to remind me of my good sides; as a matter of fact they saw more good than I myself did. Being on good terms with them made it easy for me to put some effort into living up to that image. So maybe this could help you too; find something allowing you to discover your strengths (because everyone has some), and get some confidence, and discipline. Because, you know, everyone tends to lose tempers now and again. It's just a matter of balance.

Sounds trite? Maybe, but I wish you luck on your road.

[Makeout Patrol]

I don't get it. Are you saying that your problem is that you have no manners, or that this girl you were dating says you have no manners? If it's the former, you need to work on thinking before you speak, and considering how people are going to interpret what you're saying. It's difficult to change your habits, but it's a good goal to set for yourself. If it's the latter, well, you're seventeen and apparently think that if you don't sort this out you'll never be able to have a relationship again, so any advice that I give will be promptly disregarded.

Basically, if you say stuff that offends people, yeah, you need to work on that. If you say stuff that only offends her, chances are the problem isn't you.

[evenwolf]

Hmmmm.   Tough situation.


I used to be a really considerate person on the forums.   And as of late I've become a bit of an asshole.   But I am polite in real life and very much quiet around strangers.  The internet is just that one place where polite people can let off some steam and complain about everything.  Which unfortunately I've done my fair share of.

But listen, the difference between a polite person and an asshole *is* keeping your mouth shut.   Now there are people who naturally are nice, and think only nice thoughts.   But none of those people can help you I'm afraid.   

What you need to do is add a step to your thought process.   You need to add a filter.    Internally, your mind will immediately want to say  "go fuck off".     What you need to do is train yourself and remember situations like this where people have abandoned you because you said what was on your mind.   Just add a filter.   Do not feel compelled to speak one millisecond after being spoken to.   Collect yourself.  Think of the best thing to say. 

That's really the best place to start.   There's no way to keep you from thinking the things you think.   And many nice people have dirty, mean thoughts they never say outloud.    Patience and practice is really all you need to change.     Let this one girl go.   There will be plenty more who won't insist on changing your attitude.

[Tuomas]

A change of attitude might not be that bad either. If you're a fuckhead, no-one has to like you, so you can't blame them. But fi you're really worried enough to come ask people here, of course, all of us have a degree in psychology , well then, I guess you really are thinking of this and not just playing.

I am quite a bit of a shithead to people I don't know. It basically goes like this. Me and my friends give each other a hard time like this

"damn, i want a girl"
"well no-one's going to have you, you're so fucking ugly"

The thing is, I've done this a couple fo times with someone I considered a friend, but apparently they didn't find me close enough, and I really hurt peoples feelings but telling them off. I asked my girlfreind, and she told me I could be less frank. Well it's been part of my real life policy to be frank with people to really build trust, and in that sense, I do make more friends than anyone I know.

But I thought, I can't keep doing that, it doesn't pay bakc in the end. Last time my gf and I were talking about the comedian who made fun of god and died just lately. After a while she asked if I though she was stupid to believe. i told her she wasn't stupid, she was dumb, and guess if she like it or not.

Basically, I'd advice you to talk to her. Tell her, that you have a problem, but don't use the word problem. Ask her if that's what she hates about you, and tell her, that you want to try to change. You can change, I've changed. All you've really got to do is to learn and see it from the other persons point of view. You can't possibly be that nice guy if you think of yourself. And arrogance is the biggest problem most guys have these days. Always think first, it's pretty easy. And with a happy smile in fornt of you, you'll notice you feel a lot better yourself, seriously.

[ambientcoffeecup]

You might want to look into finding out about Sociopaths and Antisocial Personality Disorder. I don't think you are Sociopath because you've just explained about how much you care for this person but I've had a lot of problems with life and human reaction because of this shit and I honestly just thought I was an asshole. I ended up going into hospital for something completely different and talking to the doc brought up a whole laundry list of mental conditions I didn't even know existed and this is one of them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

Honestly I don't think you have this, but look into it anyway because for all I know you're bending the facts in telling us this.

[DazJ]

You're a kid. That's all. A 17 year old can NOT deal with situations like this unfortunately. They go overboard and feel that they're the only people who are feeling what they're feeling. Truth is, the majority of us have been through shit like this, and that's called life my friend. Hell, even I myself did it when I was your age which was a hell of a long time ago now.

You're going to be all 'Oooh, I can't live without her, nobody understands how I REALLY feel'. You'll be feeling sick, won't want to eat, will find it difficult to sleep. This is all part of it.

As for your attitude and manners? Probably not. She probably was just looking for an excuse to move on. You're 17, young relationships rarely work out.

Don't be offended by what I'm saying. You've just got to move on and forget about it. You're a kid, you're not an adult.

[Oliwerko]

I have a pretty fixed opinion on this. You CANNOT alter your personality. You can alter what you are saying not to offend people. However, altering what you say too much may end in trying to alter your personality because of someone.
I have been thinking a lot about this regarding myself. I chose not to try to alter my personality (which is definitely changing in our age). I have learned one thing. To think first and then to say things. This little thinking before saying may save you from some embarrasing situations. Especially useful when you are a "weird", "crazy" or something like that in eyes of others. When meeting new people, I must really watch out not to say something I would normally say to a friend, 'cause they would just think I am a nut. This is common practice. You don't talk to your GF like to your parents, you don't talk to your friends like to your GF and so on. When I know someone a long time and we understand each other, the second person is most probably a nut too (I know few "normal" ones), so then it's ok. But if I didn't think of what I'm saying when we first met, the relationship have probably ended before we could know each other closer. But I won't force myself not to say things I naturally would just because of someone all the time! It's not comfortable at all, it's hipocrisy isn't it? People have to understand me as I am, dot. No altering what I say, maybe except the first "polite" contact.

Ask yourself: Is it possible to force yourself to change? Do you even want to be a different person?
By me, both answers were no.

[Nacho]

You're a kid. That's all.

Don't be offended by what I'm saying. You've just got to move on and forget about it. You're a kid, you're not an adult.

Exactly... How are you going to behave like an adult when you are not? Wait and your childness will happen... And what you feel about that girl too.

[[Cameron]]

I totally get behind what DazJ is saying. I broke up with my first real girlfriend when I was.... 16, and I thought that no one understood how I was feeling, and I felt like shite for a while, but it does pass. That's just breaking up, and at a young age where you haven't dealt with it before and don't know how to cope properly in that situation, it's especially hard.
And yeah, teen relationships are notorious for not working, for silly reasons, good reasons or even no reasons. That's just being a teen.
I mean, I'm only turning 19 this year, so I'm no wise ole sage. But I'm more equipped to deal with a break up now than I was then.

[InCreator]

...but something always happens and I end up saying something that makes her think I am an asshole.

I think this describes her feelings and trust for you very well.

When two humans, carnivores by nature decide to not treat each other as danger and decide they're "together", this should be a pact of both non-aggression and mutual trust.

If even tiny word could make your both earths spin other way, I'd say that is a damn fragile pact. How long were you together? Did she made up her mind, or she's not totally sure if you're an asshole or not?

You're 17. Man.
Love hurts, heard that one?
But a secret is that this pain grows over time if you don't let it go.

I suggest to forget about her and use the time you have wisely to sign a better pact with someone more reliable.
Doing endless CPR to a failed or too fragile relationship is totally the worst way to go, I know it because I lost 7 best years of my life over this. A well-learned lesson.

And as chauvinist this might sound, let no woman tell you how to think or talk. You're man. Act like one.
If she doesn't respect you*, and thinks that this is the way to go, let her waste her life figuring out why she can't have normal relationships.

You asked for help, and here it is: Don't let any girl, ever, make you think that something is wrong with you just because she didn't like you. EVER.

* - this sentence doesn't apply if you REALLY, willingly act like an asshole and hurt her, you know, out of evil

[evenwolf]

You might want to look into finding out about Sociopaths and Antisocial Personality Disorder.

But too many people accept such labels and put them towards their own apathy.   Labeling yourself with a disorder might lead you toward treatment of some kind, but more often leads to a lifetime of chemical dependency.    My mother was diagnosed as bipolar and has struggled off and on with different medications all her life.    Right now she is on one that subdues the edges of her personality.   She is literally passive, sometimes to the point of being a zombie.

Maybe one day they'll get it right with her treatment, but I personally would prefer to see her acting out and actually being human for once.   And with the added danger of consuming alcohol the medication she takes is only the lesser of two evils.  You couldn't necessarily call it a cure... let alone a treatment.    The pills just keep her subdued and rob her of her personality.

I believe we all have mental disorders, and most of the disorders simply haven't been named yet.   You can label someone a psychotic, and it sounds oh so frightful until you realize that there's not one consistent mental order.   All mental "orders" are disorders.   So finding out which one you are only helps if the label doesn't burden you.   My mom has defined herself as bipolar and I resent it.

Forgive my current mindset on the issue.  I just finished reading "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".. which by the way is one of my all-time favorite books now.

[RetroJay]

Hi.

At 17 I went through a time of being an asshole too.
Now I look back and think to myself "God you were an asshole".

In time though I got out of this bad patch and became my normal self.
I think it must be something that we all go through.
I Hope things work out for you.

Jay.

[R4L]

...but something always happens and I end up saying something that makes her think I am an asshole.

I think this describes her feelings and trust for you very well.

When two humans, carnivores by nature decide to not treat each other as danger and decide they're "together", this should be a pact of both non-aggression and mutual trust.

If even tiny word could make your both earths spin other way, I'd say that is a damn fragile pact. How long were you together? Did she made up her mind, or she's not totally sure if you're an asshole or not?

You're 17. Man.
Love hurts, heard that one?
But a secret is that this pain grows over time if you don't let it go.

I suggest to forget about her and use the time you have wisely to sign a better pact with someone more reliable.
Doing endless CPR to a failed or too fragile relationship is totally the worst way to go, I know it because I lost 7 best years of my life over this. A well-learned lesson.

And as chauvinist this might sound, let no woman tell you how to think or talk. You're man. Act like one.
If she doesn't respect you*, and thinks that this is the way to go, let her waste her life figuring out why she can't have normal relationships.

You asked for help, and here it is: Don't let any girl, ever, make you think that something is wrong with you just because she didn't like you. EVER.

* - this sentence doesn't apply if you REALLY, willingly act like an asshole and hurt her, you know, out of evil

It's not just this girl that thinks I can't treat people. It's also my friends, which makes this a lot harder on myself. The truth is, who I am on the internet is not who I am in person. It's like that for everyone.

In person, I tend to not have anything to say or talk about, and I find that if I do something with my friends I get annoyed with the situation, because I don't want to be there and tell myself I have better things to do when in reality I would just go sit home and do nothing. It also doesn't help that I have almost no support from them either.

My friend Richard is making fun of me because I told him I have anger issues and need to get them worked out. This is why I can't say anything to him or any of my other friends. They always seem to gang up on me and press my buttons until I finally freak out and give in and become an asshole to them. They've even told me a bunch of times that it's fun to pick on me and get me mad. I hate them for that, but they're my only friends. They would help me if I had to fight, or if I needed some money.

InCreator, as much as I don't want to say it, I think you're right about her. The funny thing is, we've only been dating for about 3 months. I just felt so good with her, because we both could relate on so many things. It got deeper when she told me that she had childhood issues with sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, and how she tried to commit suicide, and lost some of her friends, just real, heavy personal things that she hadn't told anyone. When I heard that from her, I didn't understand how someone could do that to someone like her. It really got to me, and I wanted to be the person to make her happy, but she doesn't feel the same. I love her, but she doesn't love me.

She told me today that she thinks that I need to learn how to treat people, and that I have trust issues. I got pissed because she threw our weekend plans to go to camp away so she could go to the movies with some friends, and she didn't even ask me if I wanted to go. She says that it's because she never gets to hang out with her friends, because she has school during the day, and work after that, every day. What was I supposed to do about that? It was like she was asking for me to get pissed.

I suggest to forget about her and use the time you have wisely to sign a better pact with someone more reliable.

This would be possible if I knew girls who were local. Or single. I can't really forget her though. She says she wants to make it work still, and this is the only real, fulfilling relationship I've had. I'm looking for a long term relationship, not a one night stand. That's why I haven't been too successful with dating. All the girls I've encountered are after one thing: guys who don't care, and sex, and that's not what I'm about. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but a girl who doesn't care is not a girl for me. Also, I'm not very popular, or good looking, so that could explain why I have trouble...

And as chauvinist this might sound, let no woman tell you how to think or talk. You're man. Act like one.
If she doesn't respect you*, and thinks that this is the way to go, let her waste her life figuring out why she can't have normal relationships.

She was talking to me about this as well. She told me that she can't ever have a normal relationship, and with some of the stuff she's told me, I'd believe it. She was engaged at one point, which is so fucking stupid because she was only 16. She was almost a mother as well. I realize why she would think that.

Ask yourself: Is it possible to force yourself to change? Do you even want to be a different person?
By me, both answers were no.

I can't change, but I can control myself. I do want to be a different person. I've been like this for a long time. Maybe I act like my friends too much. My two best friends are always sarcastic, and like I said, they find fun in hurting people sometimes. They aren't always like that, but it's definitely rubbed off on me I think...

As for your attitude and manners? Probably not. She probably was just looking for an excuse to move on.

I don't think this is true. All her relationships have been with assholes. She just got over someone who treated her like shit. She doesn't want to move on, not yet, I hope not.

To end this terribly long post, I'm very thankful that everyone is talking to me about this. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this; my brother is in South Carolina...

Anyway, I want to thank all of you. It really does mean a lot.

[Hammerite]

You've had a girlfriend so you must be better than me.

[Dualnames]

There was once this girl that had the same effect on me. I tried to fix things.. but I didn't. Why? Because whilst I was trying to i became someone else. That girl no matter what you feel about her, does she worth it? cause if she does, she should be aware of your feelings..

[InCreator]

I think that going into "there's something wrong with me, everybody says that"-path is a damn stupid thing to do.
Find a way to act so you get no problems with your conscience and you can sleep knowing that you did nothing evil or bad, and that's all you need to be a nice person. If you try too hard to get someone to like you, you usually end up dumped. And whatever little flaws you might have, consider them as something to make your personality interesting. Nobody's perfect!

Just, it all has to be governed by morals. You cannot be a complete shithead and get away with "you gotta accept with what I am". My ex-girlfriend did this, and still does. And regrets it badly, if there's any greater justice in this world.

Judging by your description, it's a kind of girl to have maybe a short adventure with, but worst case for true love, especially first one. I'd stay the fuck away from her, if it comes to deep feelings. Especially at such young age.

You have one chance though. If she has any attraction or feelings towards you, you might try try a bit of diplomacy:

Meet her. Sit down. Explain.
Ask her what she does and does not like about you, then explain your side of this and how you feel about her pros and cons. Tell her how fucking awful it is when she dumps your mutual weekend for a stupid movie and how insulting it is for you, etc. Lay out some your terms and bargain with hers. Maybe she still is interested and willing to work for it? But keep the deal, if it happens, equal.
If not, well, do as I said before. It's a bit early for you to notice, but life is short, and wasting even some months of it being unhappy (at this age, especially!!!) will feel 10 times bigger waste 10 years later. Don't do anything you'll regret.

[Tuomas]

I used to love when I was 15. Then i loved again when i was 17. Now that I fell in love I realised I really didin't love back then. Again the same thing with milk. If you drink water and think it's milk, you'll take it as milk until you get some real milk. And I can tell you, the white stuff is a lot better than the clear one. Except for these modern days when you get milk with 0% fat. It's like milk with water in it, you can see right through it. It basically an artificially produced enjoyment and people think it's as good as the real thing. Our thoughts are controlled at all times, remember that! And seriously, try some real milk from a real cow.

[R4L]

OK, well, I have some good news.

I've been getting some therapy sessions at my school, and learning some ways to control my anger. Most of my aggression comes from my lack of confidence. This is something I knew already but my therapist said the same, so I think she knows what she's doing.

Anyway, to prove that I had it under control, my ex called me last night to talk about things, and there were a lot of things she said that I wanted to explode on her about, but I just think carefully about what I say. Then I count to 5 and take some deep breathes, something I'm sure all of you have heard of. It's a common process, but it works for me, so I'm sticking to it. It's been helping a lot, because she's been having thoughts about being with me again.

Anyway, thanks for the help. I really appreciate it.

R4L