New homes, and how to enjoy them

[Creed Malay]

Me and my flatmate Steve got moved into our new home over the weekend, this old teraced bungalow, and we are now happy and settled. This is one of the most "full of character" places I've ever lived. Turning out to be very entertaining. Some of the more interesting aspects of our new home...

The Panic Button - It's on the wall in the hallway, just inside the front door. It's not connected to anything, but it says "PANIC PRESS" in indented silver letters on its casing. It's great, and I press it at every oppotunity. Nothings happened yet, sad to say.

The Never Ending Strains Of "Singing in the Rain" - Our neighbours children, presumably, really love "Singing in the Rain", causing their father - presumably - to sing it repeatedly, at random times throughout the day. And night. In a really, really bassy voice. Disquieting.

The Scary Door - The place is over a hundred years old, pit-cottage job,  so you got to expect some degree of warping, but the living room door is just absurd. The door, frame, metal-carpet-protecting-thing and ceiling all seem to skew off at slightly different angles. Looking at it for too long makes your eyes water. It's great.

Big Scary Bulge In The Bedroom Wall - extends all the way across my bedroom (the smaller one, as I lost the game of scissors, paper stone) , from door to window at about head height. It looks like it's about to rupture at any moment, and send hundreds of gallons of water spewing into my room, but happily, the only thing on the other side of the wall is the man who sings "SInging in the Rain", and I'm not all that afraid of him.

Disobedient Fridge - Works fine, mostly, then freaks and freezes all the beer solid during the night. I really wish it wouldn't.

Resident Cat - Don't know if he used to live here or not, but he certainly acts like he owns the place. He seems to be constantly waiting outside the back door, waiting for his chance to slip in and hide under Steves bed. I think he's great, and have named him Yossarian. Steve doesn't like him so much.

Depth Charges - a big, echoey "clang", like a depth charge going off near a submarine in a movie, will be sounded from some unidentifiable point, randomlly, as far as we can tell. We've got no ideas on the cause of that one, yet.

Exciting Floor - There isn't three square feet of floor that's level anywhere in the place. It makes every footstep an adventure.

Blood Stains on the Settee, and hallway and bedroom carpet - I know where these came from. I'm sure they should bother me more than they do. But they don't.

The place is great. House warmongs this weeken, and my birthday's tommorow. Joy.

Davy.

[Archangel (aka SoupDragon)]

rofl! That's the funniest house I've ever heard of. I hope you and your flatmate can see the funny side, otherwise it could get pretty annoying pretty quickly.

[Evil]

Heh, it is odd but it doesnt beat my uncles house. He lived with a ghost. He named him Casper because the meanest thing he would do was steal your car keys and put them in the freezer... Heh, and you think I am joking

[Bob The Hun]

Ghosts seem to follow me around wherever I move.
I was raised in a house with a ghost, and just about every house I've lived in has had a ghost of some sorts in it.
They've done the 'hide the car keys' bit to me too. Ever had the 'reorganize the dresser' problem? That gets annoying.

[Archangel (aka SoupDragon)]

evil and Bob the Hun: yes, it's called schizophrenia

[Evil]

Heh, I didnt mention about when he moved the 200 pound dresser infront of the door...

[Bob The Hun]

This is completely different from that, Archangel. I've learned to ignore those voices I keep hearing.

[Quickstrike]

This is completely different from that, Archangel. I've learned to ignore those voices I keep hearing.

No, that's normal.  Only when you start listening to them, that's when you become "skitso" (please excuse my spelling)!  Pfft.... Stupid conscience!

[Squinky]

Congrats on the new place and I hope that you too, do not become a blood stain...

I once lived in this crappy apartment that actually had mold on the walls...I couldn't put any furniture near the outer walls...It had huge cracks in it also, reminded me of some shady hideout for crooks in old disney cartoons....

The carpet was just set on the floor, not attached or anything...

But I think the worst thing about it was that it had great big windows that didn't seal worth a crap, so all my heat would just shoot out of them...So just picture blankets around all the windows and bottom of the door....

One weird thing was that all my neighbors seemed to be in abusive relationships, and I heard many a crazy beating in the middle of the night...

[Dave Gilbert]

Heh.  I've got a panic button, too.  Nothing happens when I press it either.

I once shared an apartment with these 3 frat idiots one summer.  They all worked nights and would come home at 3am and start blaring music and inviting the whole world over to party.  Not really my scene, since I went to work at 9 like normal people.  But I always got my revenge in the morning when I would slam my door and stomp my feet and talk on the phone real loud and in general make their hangovers worse.  We didn't like each other much.    Suffice to say, I don't bother with roommates anymore.

Congrats on the new digs, dude.  If I somehow find myself in northern England this weekend I'll be sure to stop by for the housewarming.

[Flippy_D]

"Blood Stains on the Settee, and hallway and bedroom carpet"
Um...? care to explain?

"The Scary Door" and "Big Scary Bulge In The Bedroom Wall"
I demand photographic evidence.

"Disobedient Fridge"
Presumably, if you put ice cream in it, it would require some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics.

As for the depth charge, it's probably the pipes. That or a catacomb network in your basement.

[Bob The Hun]

That or a catacomb network in your basement.

Try throwing some smoke grenades in the basement to flush out any possible Vietcong.

[Creed Malay]

Bloodstains.... Me and STeve know the guy we're renting the place from, and gave him a hand a couple of times when he was fixing it up. Once it was all done, he had a bit of a party to celebrate. At one point, three lads were left alone in the sitting room, and a few minutes later, two of them had had their hands slashed open. THere was lot's of running round and panicing, and blood got EVERYWHERE. No-one - except the kids involved - knows exactly what went on. I'd left the room only minutes before, and all seemed calm then.
THe carpet in the living room - replaced, now - was covered in droplets, a bit like a Pollock painting.
THe weirdest shit is, after the ambulences and stuff, the party vibe re-established itself. Many hours later, a guy was lying on the stained carpet while our landlord shuffled around him with a roll of masking tape, marking his outline on the floor. WHile he was doing this, the door opened, and the two cut-up kids returned... Quite a surreal scene, really.