Role Play Into Game?

[The Hero]

Hi Everyone A long time ago i had a idea for a project before my posting on here about "dead end Tokyo  I had written a concept story design for  a game called"Realms Of Mikomi" well one day i found it and suggested to my friends that maybe it would be OK as a role play will needless to say everyone i know is hooked on it show Ive considered turning it back into a game project what I want  however is this community's feed back. I will give you a small preview and if interested post here and ask for more
Preview:
:the sun slowly but fluidly rises and hits jun in the face slowly he rises out of bed and makes his way down the grad hall filled with hopelessness and despair of the past few months he glances at the most recent family portrait.
With tears falling from his eyes he falls to his knees... he pounds the stone floor with all his might his fist hurts but the stone has a small crack his kingdom on the brink of doom his daughter dieing all on accordance to some ancient Prophecy he stands draws his sword slashes his family painting as hard as he can it falls and breaks...
  and he  contemplates whether pr not to make that one quick motion...
then he hears a voice echo in his head,,,
"aw poor mortal don't give up hope..."\
Jun: "what would you know of hope"
everything i know and hold dear is gone..
the voice says are they truly gone Jun
Just then a white portal appears out steps ama his wife...
Ama: " Jun are you OK i came to see if your....
Jun looks at her coldly See for yourself
he says
stepping aside to reveal the broken and slashed painting
ama has a shocked look on her face  walks over and slowly picks up the painting
Oh dear that was such a nice painting says ama with great sorrow in her voice
Jun says with the same sorrow its from a time long ago a happy time
and with that ama gently takes he husbands  hand a places it on her belly button  he feels a slight push his unborn child kicks with tears in his eyes he looks up at her and asks
"is this our new hope...
she replies softly
yes my love it is..

[Ishmael]

For everybody's convenience, here's a supply of spare punctuation and other goods if anyone happens to have run out of their own stash.

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AABBBCCDDDDEEFFGGHIJJJJJJJKKKKKLLMMNNNOOOPPQQRSUVVWXYZZ

Out of Ts at the moment, sorry for the inconvenience.

[space boy]

I'd like a capital S and a capital B, please.

[The Hero]

Anyome out there who can stay on topic  thanks both posts have been reported

[ManicMatt]

You reported them? Excuse me while I go snigger to myself in a corner..

They were making a point though; and that point is that your whole post is awkward to read because it has barely any full stops or commas. You need to brush up on your english skills.

[Ghost]

You can read it, actually, but not on an empty stomach. I did my best to follow the text, and was a but disappointed that it doesn't really tell me anything. What do you want? You toss us a generic opening for an RPG, as seen in a dozen small variations, but really not enough to say more than: "Yes, it's a bit of story"...

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you need to throw us a bone with a bit more meat on if you want to hear some more serious second opinions.

Oh, and more punctuation would really help.

[The Hero]

Taken From Chapter 1: trails
  Peace, prosperity, protection. That was all I wanted for the people of my kingdom. Alas all we found was war.



            The enemy, my closest friend and ally and the former guardian of my daughter Akemi, Sen. He separated with a large group of his followers to the northern part of the country .The once proud country of Mikomi was split in two. Soon after Sen's separation a war broke out in an attempt to conquer each other. This war lasted for three long bloody years before a ceasefire was called, both armies returned to there territory and  kept to themselves for the next 6 months.

           

            As of late however a mysterious force has been pushing its way across my lands and slaughtering and pillaging as they go. I lead my grand army in several attempts to defend against this enemy all of them failing. Realizing that I could not effectively defend my kingdom because of the overwhelming odds against me I decided….that maybe *shivers* I should ask Sen for help. The thought made my spine curl but it was my only option to ensure my peoples continued survival. Not deciding to go myself I sent a mystic impersonation orb to do the job.





Upon the orbs arrival at Sen's walls I finally got a good long look at how Sen's people had held up after the war. The walls stood strong, almost as if there had never been a battle fought upon them. His people, going about there daily lives, as if a war had never been fought, and Sen, sitting on his golden throne, surrounded by his harem. Sen had been the more glamorous king, unlike me. Gold armor, pretty girls, a big army, a unbeatable fortress was all he cared about. Now tapping into the orbs power I spawned my image in front of him.





            “Well, well, well…. What do I owe to this pleaser?” Lord Sen smirked.



            “Your sarcasm is in the least bit funny” I responded almost instantly after Sen finished talking.



            “Then what is it you want then?” a serious look crosses Sen's face.



            “I have come to formally request your aid” Sen's face twists in confusion as I said this.



            “What? My aid? And why does the “almighty southern empire” need my aid for?” snaps lord Sen with a childish look.



            “You won't be so childish when this force comes beating down your door, Sen” I snapped back. Sen's face became angered once again.



            “Guards get him!!!” Sen's guards descended on me with swords and spears, all I could do was crack a smile as my image disappears and my mind returns back to my body and castle.

[space boy]

Anyome out there who can stay on topic  thanks both posts have been reported

Ishmael, do you have a spare sense of humour on supply?

[The Hero]

ha ya sorry guess i should know when to take a Joke but i do need some serious feed back from you guys i know my spelling and grammar is bad and I'm trying to fix it but aside that i really want input on the story

[Ghost]

Just put the effort you put into your last story summary into each and every post, and you will build up great respect.

It reads better now, and reveals a bit more, and even sounds interesting, yet I cannot find one unique element here, and I tend to look for that. Not unique in the "never-thought-of-before" way, though, just, you know, some little thing that catches my attention, drags me in. Some little extra.

Seeing that you want to make it an RPG, do tell us about the system you're going to use: Japanese RPG, Diablo-style hackfest, open-ended a la Elder Scrolls? Juding from the story I'd say Japanese style, with fixed characters and heavy emphasis on the plot... It has that FF ring to it, somehow.

[The Hero]

Oh no no this will be a interactive story/point and click plot branching game

[Ishmael]

Anyome out there who can stay on topic  thanks both posts have been reported

Ishmael, do you have a spare sense of humour on supply?

Sorry, out of stock. :\

[Andail]

The guy said sorry for not taking a joke, so either stay on topic now or pick another thread to be funny guys in!

[enkerro]

Is this plot for real?
I'm going to be blunt, this story is boring.

[MrColossal]

How about you elaborate instead of just being blunt?

[enkerro]

Ask and you shall receive, my friend.

Kind of reminds me of those generic fantasy books.
I find the whole thing just bland..

Different armies, then suddenly a mysterious force arrives. Wow?
And then the guy sends an "orb"(?) to his enemy, who is also his friend, ally and former nanny to his daughter...?
Aaaand then Sen refuses, because he's a sassymouthed king, and calls the guards to go after the orb.. or the protagonist.

Did I get this right?
...and sorry for being a bit harsh there.

[The Hero]

Ah however it is a very complex story with unique plot twists and its not just about to kingdom at war but the struggle of a king a father and husband you ll find that is not this in your face random generic action story but a dramatic some times comical story his wife Queen Amaterasu(Ama)is heir to the throne of  the Celestral(Ces) realm a god like race who watch over all things His daughter akemi has a great power locked inside her and must save the kingdom from this darkness but  in doing so she well die "the daughter of a Celestral and a half-bred shall unite the worlds and save all from doom" along the way however you see and feel and hear what the characters feels thus game if it becomes such will have drama love heart break war depression happiness as well as many laughable moments much like the " role play(MSN based) is now
and sen untimely is envious of Jun for having a family and  there are a viroty of charters from Tatki Juns former Magic trainer(teacher) who is old and blind but kicks ass hes always trying to teach Jun a life lesson .
right on down to his bitchy yet comical inlays Mada and baba and Mada G(Gee) and much much more its a vast universe which never ends 

[Khris]

Are you going to put some minimal effort into your posts now?

I find it insulting that you expect people to read that, let alone comment on it.

[LimpingFish]

It's all very stream-of-consciousness.

Plus, Mikomi make DVD players. I've seen them in Argos.

[The Hero]

Mikomi Means hope in Japanese  and as for my grammer is notthat i dont put effort in its that my grammerr sucks im workin on it bare with me