I usually don't take my personal life to the internet but maybe your advice would help me pass this.
I have a huge problem with this girl. She's been my best friend ever since I knew her, last December. We were the best of friends. In the beginning I wanted her to be my girlfriend but it didn't work out, we are too different. We agreed that it's not good for us to be romantically involved. We had a lot A LOT of fun together. We even was in Barcelona together (only us) last month for 5 days. But with that always came a lot of fights. Small fights, big fights, huge fights. That's because we are too differnet. We are the complete opposite of each other. Everything one of us likes the other one don't. A lot of things we say or do meaning positively are accepted negatively by the other one. At times we couldn't stand each other. At one time we didn't speak for 2 weeks and then we agreed to not fight over things anymore. But of course it didn't work. I was giving and giving, doing things for her that she didn't do back when I was in the same situation. Giving up on things for her, suffering things I don't like just for her to be happy while she wasn't doing the same for me. So I stopped. I had a lot of fun with her but with it came a lot of suffering, being hurt, being humiliated, getting depressed. But always I in the end forgave it in order to be friends with her again cos she is the only real female friend I have or ever had. But esterday she did the thing that finally broke it. We went to vacation in a hotel with my family. We were supposed to go Wednesday till Sunday. Since we arrived she ruined my vacation not wanting to do anything, wasting time, fighting almost. Then we woke up yesterday (Friday) morning and she got pissed and decided to just fly home. After everything I did for her. I invited her to my family's annual hotel vacation, we gave her everything she wanted and needed and she just leaves and thus totally ruining my vacation. I flew home too cos I have nothing to do there alone. I tryed to persuade her not to leave but she wasn't listening. After all the hell she put me through I told her that if she does this she can forget about me cos I will not be friends with her anymore. And that I did. I'm sick and tired of her manipulations. For that I can't forgive her.
Now the problem is without her I have no girl in my life. No girl has ever been this close to me (unromantically). She put me through hell and for that I don't want her back but on the other hand I always remember all the good times we had together. She will always have a corner in my heart, for sure. There is just unexplained love for her in my heart that doesn't go away despite all what she does to me. Now I know I decided to never be her friend again because of her behaviour but it's always hard for me when I see her or think about her, remembering the good times. For some reason I still love her (as a friend) despite it all and it's hard for me to deal with it. I see her and wish her to be mine again wishing all the crap she did to me to just not be there. That's my heart. But my brain says I should not be in any relationship with her because she hurts me all the time. I KNOW we shouldn't been in a relationship but feelings of love are not something I can control.
How do I deal with that? :-[ ???
Well I cannot tell you how YOU should deal with that, but if I were you, I would ask God for help, so I would be praying. But I guess that's not alot of help for you, soo here is the second option.
Tell her (if you didnt do that already) that you like her alot, but that at this time she is only grabbing you down, and not upwards. You should take a break with this relationship and clear things up for yourself if your not strong enough (ill get to that later). Have some fun with some male friends... go dinner, see some movie, drink some beer(not to much :p) whatever you like to do... and relax, and give it a little time.
Option 3 : You can still try to help her. Tell her that you want to help her, and ask her if she wants to be helped with you, then I mean the thing that she puts her problems on you, or maybee even others. This option is the hardest one, and not always the best one. To do this correct, you do a right dicision to call for help of some wise man... maybee a father... a close friend, or there you have it again (ask Jesus to help you together for wisdom and leading).
Well I hope something I wrote above will help you through this situation, and one last thing, NEVER LET YOUR SITUATION BECOME THE CONTROLLER OF YOUR LIFE. BE HAPPY AND KEEP HOPE, CAUSE YOU WILL BECOME SOMEONE AND YOU WILL FIND YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE!
She's an ungrateful idiot and nothing you will ever do will change that.
kill her...no, seriously now...
it seems she never did anything for you compared to what you did for her. if thats true, then she couldn't really have been much of a friend...can she? The best worst thing to do though would be to forget about her. learn from your mistakes.
"If you are walking through a field and tred in cow pat, do not dwell on your error, just make sure you don't do it next time"
Minime, I already tryed options 2 and 3 in the past, doesn't work, she's too childish for it.
Rodekill & Jimi you two are right. Still even though I can't fight my stupid heart. I feel like part of me is missing. I'm so used to being with her, talking with her onthe phone, going out with her. Without her, I wouldn't go to Barcelona, nor would I go to Eilat for vacation in February and we planned a weekend vacation for this month too. She brought fun to my life, hell she brought life to my life. And that's why I miss her. My life is just so empty without her. It sucks, with her my life is full of fun & trips but also pain. Without her, no pain but also no fun, my life is boring. Sometime I feel that I can endure the bad htings she did for me for the sake of the fun stuff we did. And sometimes I feel it's better to give up those fun things so she won't hurt me. And then after a while of boringness I want to be with her again. Never had such a relationship with a female before. It's hard for me to find a girl that fits me.
Something that makes it hard for me to forget her and move on is that she is still there in my life. We are in the same army base and we go out with the same friends. After I met her and got close to her I got her to go out with us. So now she still goes out with us although we're not friends anymore. Last night she was in the club with us. I didn't talk with her or give her any attention. We both were riding in the same car home with a friend. She's still there even though we're not friends anymore. That's hard to see her do with my friends what she did with me.
I still can't deal with the fact that despite all logic says it's right for me not to be with her, there's still a bit of love there.
maybe you liked her BECAUSE she was different. It was something to do other than what you normally do, and now shes gone, you feel bored doing the same things?
Good point Jimi.
Her being different than me brought some new things to my life and made it more interesting but then again it also created countless arguments & fights. It was always hard for us to find things to do that we both liked. We wanted to see a movie, don't like the same styles of movies. Wanted to do things on vavcation, didn't like the same things. In clubs we like to dance to differnt styles of music. In the beginning I was doing things I didn't like for her so she would enjoy, expecting her to do the same for me, but she refused. So I stopped it too.
I'm not expecting a girl to be exactly like me in every thing, that would be impossible. My girl should be a little different from me but not complete opposite.
can you not just tell her all this, then try to do both things? like do something that one of you wants to do, then what the other wats to do? you might even find that you enjoy yourself when you stop worrying?
I did, we already did that discussion. And she said there was no reason she should "suffer" doing things she didn't like for me, even though I did it for her. So if she's not willing to do things she doesn't like for me, why should I do it for her?
Quote from: Nostradamus on Sat 05/07/2003 20:30:04
So if she's not willing to do things she doesn't like for me, why should I do it for her?
i was waiting for that!
meaning?
meaning i want you to realise that she doesn;t really care that shes lost your freindship, so can't have been much of a friend. I didn't mean anything bad by it.
I know it's hard, and that's why I was so blunt.
The longer you wait to get out of the situation, the harder it's gonna get.
You deserve someone who'll appreciate you as much as you appreciate them. There's no excuse for anything else.
What, you didn't like the humiliation and abuse? But that's what relationships are supposed to be about. What you should have done is humiliate her and abuse her right back. If the got mouthy with you, you should have slapped that mouth! Kick her a few times until she just sits there, crying in the corner! That is the key to a successful relationship! Mutual abuse!
If you are the opposite of each other and can't agree about anything and she - sorry for being blunt - sounds like spoiled brat, then maybe she's simply not worth it.
Just because she was your first lady friend doesn't mean she'll be your only and last.
There is nothing more wonderful than a friend that understands you well, be it female or male, and it's certainly worth trying to find one.
Forget her, mate, she doesn't merit
You should forget her, I know you cant, but you still have to try, there will be others, it may be hard, but do you want more pain, nobody does. There may be a void for a while of time, it may hurt, but try and fill it with distractions, you should still go on vactaions, just bring along a male friend (im not implying anything). all wounds heal.
Forget those that hurt you, but always remeber those who where kind
That is the best I can do I guess. It won't be easy but I guess I'll just have to remember all the bad things she did when I feel that I miss her.
Oposites attract. I have a male friend who is my opposite, but we find things that we like that are the same. If she is so abusive, why don't you just say 'no'. Something like ' no, I won't let her bother me. No, I won't let the memory of her annoy me. No, I will not torture myself over her. Wait and see what she does. Maybe she is torturing herself right now, just like you are.
I remember when I was in a similar situation, I had a fight with my male friend and we hated each other. We had a fist fight. :-[ People were swarming me and asking if I was alright and stuff and I just felt awful awful AWFUL because I blamed myself and I missed him. Think it over. Is she worth the sufering?
:o Wow... What a thread :o
Things to do today for Nostradamus: Look for the RIGHT girl.
EDIT: If she sights you with another girl, she´ll probably come back more lovely than ever.
Quote from: Nostradamus on Sat 05/07/2003 16:36:05
How do I deal with that? :-[ ???
A few days ago I got an e-mail from an ex-girlfriend of mine -- one I hadn't spoken to in several years.
Back then, we started going out, fought a lot, then we broke up and were "just friends".
But we still fought even as friends.
Then we weren't friends any longer.
I won't bury you with all the details because a) I'm over it and b) it's not my place to embarass her here.
Her recent e-mail wanted to know how I was.
And even though we fought, I replied in a polite manner: I told her some of the major things happening in my life since we stoped being friends and then asked her if from now on could she respect my privacy and not contact me any more.
I asked that not out of hatred, but because it was time to move on.
I don't think either of us should have worried about about bad stuff that happened so many years ago.
I've shown her that I've changed.
And I'm guessing she's changed too -- probably more than I have.
And that makes me happy.
And I learned a lot from our relationship -- stuff that guides me today.
But there came a time where one story of my life ended and a new one began.
Sooner or later, we all have to let go of our previous life and start making a new one.
I hope that makes sense.
Farlander: A jealousy game won't work with her.
P.S. no need to quote my entire post like that
DGM: You're probably right, that's what I'm starting to do now. I try to think of it as the end of my current life and a new beginning. Only I don't see how my situation is at the moment. It's the right hting to try to forget, but it's hard in the beginning, I'm sure you remember that time when you broke up with your friend.
It's great to hear from someone who had a similiar experience, DG, your post helped.
Oh, I see my own situation in this a lot so I understand very clearly how you feel and what you're going through. On the one hand you miss all the good you actually had but on the other you're very disappointed at her and despise her for the pain she's brought to you.
It is a hard situation but I think you've come a long way just by talking about it. Writing down your thoughts like this is sometimes a good way of dealing with a hard situation.
What you should do is just go on with your life without her. If she wants to sort the situation out then let her try and do so but then you'll both have to be totally honest and transparent with how you feel. Make sure she understands it's not just about saying 'sorry', but about really getting deep into the problem. She seems to have some loose ends to tie herself, behaviours as such doesn't come without its reasons. Probably has something to do with childhood, parents or former relationships. Maybe in a year or two or five you two will get together, sort things out and become friends again. As mr Macphee said, people change and so will both of you.
As I said, my situation is quite similar. More like DGM's story though. Things started to get real bad once we moved together to an apartment in a small crappy village. We're still not friends again and I still miss her a LOT sometimes but through all this I've gained a lot; I've changed. Hopefully in some ways to the better...
Uh, I could ramble on with this forever, so I'll just end it here... Period.
Aye, it was a tough time.
But people aware of themselves and their situation always seem to get past it.
And from the sounds of it, I'd say you're very aware of your situation, Nost.
As an after thought:
For me, that last e-mal I sent back (the one where I summed up the last few years and asked her to respect my privacy from now on) was very cathartic -- it was a summation of my last few years and it shows that I still remember them very well.
However, it was also a way of letting go -- probably for both of us.
I've changed and I know that deep inside -- and she probably has as well.
But I can now look at all the lies and bullshit in my life (and not just with her but for many things) with a clean and innocent view.
I don't feel anger or regret any longer -- Just the opposite: I feel happy to have even experienced such things.
I've faced my previous life and now I'm a better person.
I don't mean to give advice or anything, because it's not my place to talk down to others -- But take what you can from my stories and treat them as my gift to you.
When I have a big problem one day, I hope your stories can help me as well! :)
Well spoken, DGM!
Nostradamus I feel sorry for you....
but... I think you deserve better, but you don't need hating feelings for the rest of your life, I had a girlfriend too, we broke up and like for the first months I only remembered the bad stuff about her. After these months I started remembering the great moments with eachother and her good points, which left me with a good memory of her. Try to forget all your hate and present yourself neutral, normal but especially as YOURSELF! Just treat her like a normal friend, nothing more! Look for another girl and I'm sure that when you find the right one, you'll be much happier than you have been ever before.
You can make yourlife so damn bad when always being grumpy and hating, always look on the bright side of life ;)
I'm taking your advice people.. we have a saying in my county - "far from the eye, far from the heart". I haven't seen her since Friday and each day it's easier for me to not care and not be sad. I know it will hurt when I will se her eventually - in the base, or on friday when we go out with our mutual friends.
I really have no hope of patching things up with her cos I don't see any chance of her going to change.
Good choice.
In your first post, you said "the problem is without her I have no girl in my life" -- But I think it's positive to face life without her.
It's better to face and embrace the unknown and the uncertain as you'll learn way more about yourself.