I read a joke today that had me groaning for about 10 minutes solidly afterwards.
I thought I'd share it with you guys. Then I thought why not dedicate an entire thread to those jokes which are not so funny, but have you groaning with a kind of reluctant respect for their cheesyness and charm.
Here's the one that started it.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I told you it was crap.
Next:
I've read that joke before, with the punchline given as a "super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis".
I have one that's really bad, but the charm lies in the buildup. Of course, the buildup is also what makes it so bad. Warning: really long.
QuoteFar away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.â€
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, “Your wish is grantedâ€, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it is much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. “Where's Christian?†he asked. “He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a sharkâ€, was the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.â€
Christian replied, “No way, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.â€
Justin cried back, “No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...â€
“I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!â€
That was a pointlessly long joke which could have been summarized in less then three paragraphs. Pure crap! ;)
My Dad was listening to the radio and they had a competition where everyone had to tell their best "chicken cross the road" joke. Most were really crap, but this one tickled him...
Why'd the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch his legs.
My ordinary jokes are usually these kind of jokes. But some more jokes that I had heard wouldn't hurt.
"Oh no! I got bit by a radioactive chicken! I will have the super powers of a chicken, but I will never be able to fly again!"
Quote from: Steel Drummer on Sun 18/03/2007 01:05:22
That was a pointlessly long joke which could have been summarized in less then three paragraphs. Pure crap! ;)
And if it had, I probably wouldn't have liked it as much. :P I like long jokes with buildups that keep you guessing as to the punchline.
Unless it's something like:
"I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me."
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a beer?" Descartes scoffs and says, "No, I think not." And then he vanishes.
(if you don't get it) (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_think_therefore_I_am)
What do a bicycle and a duck have in common?
They both have wheels, except for the duck.
What's brown and sticky?
Spoiler
A stick.
This thread will keep you laughing!! (http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/yabb/index.php?topic=27575.0)
A midget fortune teller escaped from prison last night.
The newspaper headline said "Small Medium at Large".
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the bartender "From now on I want to just be known as David Hoff." The bartender nods and says "Sure, David. No hassle."
Q: How do you make an apple pie?
A: Kick its fucking teeth out.
...oh, wait...that's how you make an apple cry.
Two men were walking on the street, the one in the middle had a hat on.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? Both empty their sacks on the nursery floor.
The little mosquito was taking his first flight. After he came back his mom asked him: "how was your first flight then?" The little mosquito answered with enthusiasm: "It was great, everyone clapped their hands :)"
What's the difference between a blonde and a screwdriver? Blondes can't drive!
What do bolts and blondes have in common? The harder you screw them, the easier they stick around.
Where does a blonde keep her most precious things? In full view!
Everybody knows a story about three bears, right?
Joke goes like this:
Three bears arrive at their house.
"Someone's tried my porridge!" says Papa Bear.
"Someone's sat on my stool!" says Mama Bear.
"Turn the lights out! We'll discuss it next morning!" yells Little bear from bedroom.
The original, if you didn't remember the tale:
Spoiler
A girl gets lost in forest, finds a house, three porridges, which she tries, three stools which she tries and finally, three beds, which she uses to sleep on. The smallest ones, belonging to little bear, always suits the girl. Then three bears arrive home, Mama bear, Papa bear and Little bear, they discover that someone's tried the porridge, stools and find Little girl from bed.
I think it fits the theme. It's funny, yes, but when naming the idea, well, not so much.
Two guys are in a Public bathroom, one says to the other "How do you do?".
The reply: "I unzip my pants, and then just DO. How do YOU do?"
This joke is usually delivered with the first guy being the Super-Intelligent Great-guy human, and the second being Sub-grade Devolution of human being.
Another:
A fellow from the city buys up a farm. On his second day, his neighbour comes up to ask how he's doing.
The city-slicker is drenched in sweat, and gulping down from a glass. He says: "I hope milking a cow isn't going to be that difficult everytime!".
The neighbour, with a look of horror replies: "This farm only had a bull!"
What did the cannibal's wife do to her husband when he came home late for tea?
She gave him the cold shoulder. ::)
I'm sorry.
Lots of repetitive Star Wars related jokes with tons of spelling errors that are sometimes funny, but for the most part, crap.
(http://www.freewebs.com/swjokes/starwarsjokes.htm)
Knock yourself out!
(no, I didn't make this website)
Hah, Babar. You stole that joke from City Slickers. For shame! :-p
What is the unit of power?
Two birds were sitting on a perch and one said to the other: "Do you smell fish?"
Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen.
How do you get a blonde to burn her ear? Phone her while she's ironing.
How many times does 4 go into 20? As many as you like, the answer's always 5.
Quote from: [lgm] on Mon 19/03/2007 21:36:33
Hah, Babar. You stole that joke from City Slickers. For shame! :-p
There wasn't any scene in City Slickers where Billy Crystal wanks off a bull and drinks its jizz.
Which makes me wonder, what the fuck did you watch??
EDIT: Was it City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Electric Boogaloo?
It's City Slickers 2... Jon Lovitz does it. I'm sure it's older than City Slickers though.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender: "Why the long face?"
I didn't watch it anywhere. A friend told it to me, and I passed it on. Heheh..I had no idea it was from a movie. Perhaps that's where she got it from?
Two cannibals are eating a mermaid. One says to the other, 'Is it me or does this taste fishy to you?'
If Dr. Who's Tardis is destroyed, then rebuilt, is it then called a Retardis?
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? "Hey! They're right, we do taste like chicken."
-
Lost 1-3
Russian nationalistic joke. :o
A cowboy is riding across a prairie. His inner voice tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the inner voice.
John Wayne enters the bar.
There's three ladies at the table. He shoots one. He shoots the other one, then comes up to the third and says:
Are you all by yourself baby?
;D
Peace.
This isn't really a crappy joke, but I thought I'd share it here, as I find it really funny:
There were 3 people playing golf in heaven:
Jesus, Moses, and a really old man. Jesus takes a swing, misses, and gets the ball in the hole on his second shot. Moses makes the hole in three shots. Then, the really old guy takes a shot. As he swings, there's an earthquake, and a thunderstorm, and the ball goes flying through the air. The ball lands on the green and rolls into the hole.
Moses says to Jesus: "I hate it when we play with Your dad!"
It's a fairly crappy joke though :P
Very much so..
that's not even a joke...is it? It's more like a story. A bad story.
I like Czars joke though.
A turtle is robbed by 3 bunnies. When the police arrives to inquire what happened the turtle could only mutter "It all happened sooo fast."
A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram. "Wof wof! wof? wof wof wof!"
Post office clerk: "Sir you can add 2 more wofs."
dog: "What!? That makes no sense at all!"
Q: What's yellow and flies?
A: Banana-man
(ducks)
What did the farmer say to the other farmer??
"We're farmers."
What does Batman say to Robin before they get in the batmobile?
Robin! Get in the batmobile!
Har dee har har.
What's brown and sticky?
Spoiler
A stick.
What is green and turns red when you push the button?
Spoiler
A frog in a cuisinart.
What is yellow and will kill you if you get it in your eye?
Spoiler
A train.
And I can think of all sorts of bad puns that don't translate well. Any Dutch people around? Oh yeah, there's this Muppet Show scene where Kermit is interviewing Animal about percussion, and Animal just says he hits things. Kermit: "How cymbalic". BAAD JOKE!!!! BAAAAD JOKE!!
This one is my favourite. It has a slight innuendo in the punchline, so do not read any further if you're 16 or below.
Or do read further, you see much worse on TV.
Jonny walks into a bar to get a couple of drinks and then sees a huge, dusty glass filled with dollar bills. He asks the barkeeper about that and is told that there is an ancient bet in the bar, and whoever wished to take part in it must pay a tenner.
"What's that bet", Jonny asks.
The barkeeper grins and puts a king size bottle of absinth in front of young Jonny.
"First you must drink the whole bottle, all in one go, without blinking, without throwing up", he says. Then he leads Jonny to the back of the bar, to a small shack.
"In there is my pitbull dog, and he's got a couple of bad theeth. You must end his pain by pulling them out, without tools." Then he leads Jonny back into the bar, to the first floor, and points to the attic door.
"Up there's my old granny. 98 years now. Hasn't seen a man for about, oh, twenty years. You must make her evening a firework display of delight."
Jonny swallows hard, but as he returns to his beer and silently counts the money in the glass, he starts to like the idea of some good money.
"Barman, how much's in that glass?"
"Oh, maybe five hundred. No-one ever made it past the dog."
"Damn, here's my ten dollars. Count me in."
Jonny slams the money on the counter, grabs the absinth and finishes the bottle in one deep gulp, tears streaming from his eyes as he furiously tries not to blink, scream, throw up and turn blind. He slams the bottle down, nods and strives out into the backyard.
There is the slamming of a door.
There is a wobbly "Gooooooooooood doggieeee....."
There is a blud-curdling growl. Then a slap. Then an angry hiss. A few more slapping noises, suddenly a yelp, and a second later Jonny returns into the bar, shirt torn but grinning:
(Punchline, you can still stop here, kid!)
"'Ere, thasss wusn soo bad! Now which theeth do I have to pull from ole granny's jaw?"
Oh, and Radiant:
What's small, green and square?
Spoiler
A small green square.
I can think of two at the moment:
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3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions.
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A guy walks into a bar. Ouch!
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What's yellow and can pass through walls?
Spoiler
A magical banana.
What's red and can get found smashed on walls?
Spoiler
Bipolar tomatoes who think they're magical bananas.
EDIT :
Better after a couple of drinks.
EDIT 2:
Maybe w\ some shooters too...
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Spoiler
tequila
Oh, and...
"There are 10 types of people in the world..."
"Those who understand this joke, and those who don't"
Why not necromantize this thread? At least it's fun.
A synergetics' joke. Do you know how do they make these little ships in the bottles?
Spoiler
They put a number of various dung and a load of glue in the bottles and shake them.
The system organizes in the strange things; sometimes it becomes a ship.
Hopefully it's crappy enough.
Oooh, I started this thread.. nice to see it back.
A guy is in a locked cell with nothing but a wooden chair...
How does he escape...
Spoiler
First he rubs his hands until they are sore...
then he takes the sore and uses it to cut the wooden chair in half...
two halves make a whole...
So he climbs through the whole...
Then he screams until he is hoarse...
then he jums on the hoarse and rides away.
Different kinds of knots were having a race. Who won?
Spoiler
It was a tie.
A shelf and a cupboard had a race... it was a Drawer.
Three men are talking about their wives.
The first man says:
"I don't understand my wife. Yesterday she braught home a book but she can't read."
The second man says:
"My wife is even stranger: She baught a car yesterday but she can't drive."
The third man says:
"That's all nothing compared to my wife. She came home yesterday evening with condoms ...
...and she doesn't even have a penis."
;)
An amercian, englishman and scotsman were sitting at the top of the Statue of Liberty,
the american says, I bet if I drink this bottle of bourbon and jump off here, I'll swoop out of the way just before I reach the bottom.
The other 2 bet him he can't. So the american downs the bottle of bourbon in one, jumps off, falls and somehow swoops out the way at the bottom, flies back up and rejoins the other two.
The scotsman says, bloody hell I'm having a go, so he downs a bottle of whisky, and jumps. He falls down and splats on the floor below.
The englishman turns to the american and says, bloody hell superman, you're a right bastard when you've had a drink.
What's blue and slowly becoming purple?
Spoiler
A baby with a plastic bag over its head!
What's red, sitting in a corner and slowly becoming smaller?
Spoiler
A baby with a cheese grater!
What has 4 arms and a leg?
Spoiler
A dobermann pincher in a children's playground!
What do you call a baby nailed to a wall?
Spoiler
Art!
What's creepier than a pile of dead babies?
Spoiler
One of the babies eating its way out of the pile!
What's creepier than that?
Spoiler
That baby going back for seconds!
Dead baby jokes are awesome. And another terrible, terrible joke! In spoiler tags because it's fairly dirty :D
Spoiler
A girl comes home and asks her dad if she can borrow the car for that evening, to go to a party with friends. Her dad stands up, drops his trousers and says "You know what to do." The girl asks him if she must, and he reiterates that if she wants to borrow the car she'll have to. She grumbles, flops down on her knees and starts.
Suddenly she looks up and says "Dad? Why does it taste like shit?"
Her dad slaps his forehead and exclaims "Oh yeah! I forgot! Your brother already borrowed the car!"
Voh... you're a brave man postig tose dead baby jokes... hehe.
I'm a fan myself, but I know they upset a lot of people.
Heres one or two you probably already know:
Those who are easily offended please refrain from looking.
Spoiler
What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool
Baby with Burst Armbands.
Whats red and stringy and found dangling from the back of a train?
A miscarriage.
Whats long and hard and full of seamen?
The dead five year old boy under my floorboards.
semen, not seamen. or was that the joke?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of the tree?
Spoiler
Wave to her
I went to the doctors the other day, and all of a sudden a man, fully naked apart from some clingfilm wrapped around his body, runs in. The doctor looks him up and down and says...
Spoiler
"I can see your nuts"
:D
Quote from: Tuomas on Fri 12/10/2007 16:22:02
semen, not seamen. or was that the joke?
Well in the original joke, the answer is Submarine, so in this joke, you spell it 'seamen' to make people think you are just telling that innocent old classic again but it's actually not the same joke.
1)Two frogs were on a rocket ship. One of the frogs asked the other
"are you feeling alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine"
"You sure?"
"Yes"
"but you look so green!"
2) Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have any guts!
3) knock-knock
who's threre?
yah!
yah-who?
4) (one of my own) Why does my sister wear lipstick?
So her lips won't fall off! (give me a greak, it was funny when I was 10!)
5) what kind of coffee was served in the titanic?
Sanka
What goes ha ha thump?
Spoiler
a man laughing his head off
How do you know a blondes been using your computer
2 answers, take you pick
Spoiler
whiteout on the screen
or the dirty answer
Spoiler
The joysticks wet
Quote from: lo_res_man on Fri 19/10/2007 00:28:43
What goes ha ha thump?
Spoiler
a man laughing his head off
Okay, that one officially cracked me up ;D
How many moron's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler
10...1 to hold the light bulb and 9 to turn the ladder.
How do monkeys make toast?
Spoiler
They put bread under a gorilla.
Here is an old joke....from my childhood days.
If a plane crashes on the border of the United States and Canada...where do they bury the survivors?
Spoiler
They don't bury the survivors, they are still alive
Crap joke indeed.
edit: stupid joke corrected
How do you confuse an irishman?
Spoiler
Stand up two spades and tell him to take his pick
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
Spoiler
She fell out of the tree
A man gets into the back of a taxi and the driver sets off...
after a while the man decides he's changed his mind about where he wants to go so he taps the driver on the shoulder.
Suddenly the driver screams in pure terror and spins the car out, smashing into a tree.
"Jesus, sorry man. I didn't mean to make you jump" say's the guy.
The taxi driver says "Oh, sorry bout that it's my fault... it's just before I was a taxi driver I used to drive a hearse".
What is a necropaedophile sodoplatonic?
Spoiler
One who, in the dark of the night, enters a graveyard and digs out youthful animal corpses to have discussions with them.
Meh.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
Where did Humpty Dumpty put his hat?
Spoiler
-- Humpty Dumped his hat on the wall --