It's a comedy screen play script. This is just a small section, where one character is getting introduced. I don't know which option to go with... and if anyone wants to comment on the style or anything they would add... or cut. Or just anything they like.
I'm putting this in general, because, it isn't related to adventures at all, and I don't think it fits in the critics lounge (I might be wrong).
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That's Deniss, he suffers from fits of uncontrolled aggression, he's currently under going counselling. He's usually pretty good, you'd never know unless you hit one of his triggers. Most of them tend to be territorial... hence the recent break up with his girlfriend. It all stems from his family, which is pretty messed up.
Before last Christmas Deniss' shrink suggested that he give self help gifts to his family members and quietly address to them how they can benefit their lives, and the lives of others around them. It didn't go quite as planned. Christmas rolls around, he turns up at his parents place on Christmas day and dumps a box in his fathers lap. His father opens it to find that it's a penis enlarging pump. His father asks him what the hell is going on, so Deniss tells him it's a "self help gift". He then says he couldn't find anything to cure his father's arrogance, petty small mindedness, lack of imagination, inability to relate to others, or chronic selfishness...
but it might stop his moodiness about having the smallest dick in the family.
but it might help remove his jealousy towards all the males in their family, including his 12 year old son.
but at least this might help him to be able to find his dick without the aid of a mirror, and magnifying glass.
Though apparently it wasn't the most uncomfortable Christmas he had been to.
NOBODY wants to offer any opinion... AT ALL????
I don't want to be mean, hun, honestly I don't but a seven hour span with no answers isn't that big a deal.Ã, AGS is worldwide, remember?Ã, Someone who knows the most and can best critique what you wrote may be in another timezone where it's 4 AM and they've been sleeping.Ã, After 7 DAYS of no posts, then you might want to think about no one wanting to give an opinion.Ã, But not after 7 hours.
Anyway, I see a few grammar mistakes and small stuff like that, but I think it possesses possibility.Ã, I'd have to read more, but so far it's pretty interesting and it's becoming intriguing.Ã, What I want to know is: what could be a more uncomfortable Christmas than that?
Is this a monologue delivered by another character? Give me some context, and I'll help out.
Bt
Quote from: Larien on Thu 06/01/2005 00:19:10
What I want to know is: what could be a more uncomfortable Christmas than that?
Well, there was that time Chewy had to return to his home planet for Life Day and the Imperial forces tried to stop him. Boy, that's a Christmas you don't want to ever happen again!
Quote from: KANDYMAN-IAC on Wed 05/01/2005 14:34:42
He's usually pretty good, you'd never know unless you hit one of his triggers.
Good at what? This line needs some editing.
Very funny, and has alot of potential.
But John, isn't this about something else?
yeah it is....
but its a reasonably intelligent way of exploring things that make me upset without having to make them about me...
though this does include a few of the issues i have with my family. None of them know I have been dumped so they continue to treat me like crap as usual, and I don't want them to know I'm single again. My choice... :D
The AGS psycho-therapy thread.
This actually seems like a halfway decent way to work out some of the issues one might be having over a recent seperation. I know lots of writers that use events in their own life to write very successful stories, all though I think this one is a bit short to really gain an insite as to whats going on in your own head. Try really pouring some emotion into the words, to quote every doctor out there: "just let it all out"
As for whats going on in your life: I'm sorry to hear about your seperation, thats always a hard thing. But try looking at it from the long view. Where were you expecting this relationship to go? were you thinking you were gonna marry this girl? did the good times out number the bad? were you completely content? I've found that if you really start to pick apart a recently ended relationship you find that there were many things you wern't happy with, and that alot of stress has been removed. And this will inturn help you start feeling better about your self.
As for your familly issues: you need to confront them. You need to do it in an undeniable way. There are things that will make all people, no mater how cold or emotionally closed down they are, sit up and take notice.
And those are the words of Father C. Good luck.
C.
Well the first thing about the script, that I feel needs to be addressed is the perspective of this little monologue. It gives off a sense of neutrality most of the way through it, somewhat similar to the dialogue Ron Howard does in the show Arrested Development. If you want to go in that direciton keep it that way. Somewhere in the mix that gets redirected into a much more "short and to the point" kind of attitude that seems to change directions I little to quickly. Keep your direction and point of view focused
As to the option of continue ( I suppoe it's meant to be funny) I'd use the on with 12-year-old son. I see potential in this one, but I don't know know what it is - I don't know the context. But I imagine it's like someone enters room, sits at a table with some guys and one of these guys stands up, turns to the audience (as it's a play there must be an audience :P) and starts his monologue. Meanwhile Deniss pretends to talk with the other guy at the table. Is it any blose to the way you wanted to present this text in live?