The Life and Times of R4L (Warning: EMO THREAD)

[R4L]

I'm almost 21, and so far I:

1) Still work for minimum wage doing two jobs (at the same place; go figure) in a restaurant. And that's not combined wages.
2) Failed my final semester for a Small Business Administration degree at college.
3) Just got kicked to the curb by my fiance of 2 years.

My life is a big laugh. I drive a 95 Saturn SL Series with 228,000+ miles on it. I'm facing suspension or revocation of my driver's license because of two speeding tickets I received last month, not counting the NUMEROUS times I've gotten tickets for speeding already.

I know it's all my fault. Here's my question:

Did anyone else find themselves questioning just what the fuck to do in life? Right now I want to marry this girl if she decides to get back with me, and move on from there. Other than that, I'm finding that I am not interested in my major at college, but I can't just quit; I have one more semester left. I hate it though. I'm excellent at it, sure, but I hate it.

It feels like mid-life crisis or something. I'm stuck on this girl and feel like it's the only thing I have going for me, and now she probably hates me. My job is dishwashing but slowly moving up to cooking, in an Italian/Seafood restaurant with a gigantic asshole for a boss, constantly breathing down my neck. Also, no benefits. Even better, working 4 days a week, sometimes doing both BY MYSELF with no help, on nights where we serve between 50-100 dinners, and I have to cook and keep track of dishes by myself....

With the economy the way it is, I've had no luck finding full time work anywhere, and this has been almost a 3 year search. I'm starting to think this is hopeless and I honestly don't know what to do... Maybe because my heart was broken into pieces recently for this specific reason. It's not that I hate cooking; I love it. I just hate the pace of it and lack of any long term benefits.

And this girl.... been a lot of problems over the years, but I feel like she's been worth it. She's been hard to trust, because of all the things she's done to me in the past, but I managed to forgive her and get over them. I got engaged to her and it was the best thing in my life, or so I thought it was. I know I'm young, and you're going to say how stupid I am, but every day without her is boring, unfulfilling, and pretty damn depressing. Could be because all my friends work, or that I don't have any great habits. Doing anything usually requires money, and pulling in around 130$ paychecks every week isn't enough to go do anything, especially when you have bills. But now she's broken up with me, due to a trust related issue, and now I feel like I have nothing. We have been hanging out, but it's a lot different... She says we will probably be back together, but not being engaged again is so difficult. Not to mention that being with her now is awkward. We kiss each other, lay with each other, but never do we say we love each other... I don't like it. I feel like if she loved me it wouldn't just disappear and that she could still tell me. Maybe violating our trust hurt her a lot. It sure as hell hurt me a lot...

I guess what I'm trying to say is, my life is spiraling downward pretty fast, and I don't know what to do. Has anyone felt the exact way I do now? Hopelessness? No way out? Not to mention my lack of passion in ANYTHING. I've been playing guitar for almost 3 years and I can't even play more than 15 songs, or sing and play at the same time. I have the newest version of AGS, and I haven't opened it since the day I installed it, along with numerous paint programs.

Maybe I asked for this somehow. I have a lot of regrets...

I don't know. Everything just feels wrong. I have no one to vent to, so I came here. Any words of wisdom will be much appreciated, preferably before I go insane.

[kconan]

I don't know. Everything just feels wrong. I have no one to vent to, so I came here. Any words of wisdom will be much appreciated, preferably before I go insane.

  You are 21, so it is not a big deal even though it may feel like it at the moment.  If this were happening to you at 41, it would be a different story.  Get your degree and focus on that for now.  Forget the girl, use your emotions/pain as fuel in the gym and in your studies.

  The majority of the people I know who got married in their late teens or early twenties are divorced and/or really unhappy.  You dodged a bullet.

[Dualnames]

I have been confused on what to do with my life for the last 24 years. I'm just doing stuff in the sake of doing them. I'm lost in a routine, wasting time really. Do I like it? No. Do i want to do something about it ? Yes. But ..i don't know.

But I've felt what you've felt. You may think I'm just saying that. But I'm not. Stuff I used to enjoy have become a bore, all I ever do is sit behind a screen and listen to music and work on my paper and that's all.

I've been an asshole to all kinds of people. I've left all the great women leave my life, afraid to make them stay. I think if my life can be bloody summed up by one quote it's from Brazil.

"But you have hopes, wishes...dreams!!"

"Nothing mother, not even dreams!"

Apologies for emo-post. But it may do some good to R4L.

[Igor Hardy]

There are 3 major sources of distress in (personal) life:

- lack of time
- lack of money
- and worst of all - emotional problems (including the sense of lack of purpose)

But at 21 you still have a lot of time to master at least some of those.

At least you shouldn't worry that you're worse off than the majority. Just try to stay away from things and people that hurt you. Don't be afraid to risk quitting something, changing environment etc. Keeping yourself imprisoned in only one situation, just because you know it well, may easily lead to long periods of unhappiness.

[InCreator]

* Don't marry at 21. Reasons serious enough to marry this young exist in movies and books only.

* Look for a better job. If you're young, healthy male, forget internet/paper ads, just pick a large company and go physically there.
"Hey, I'm hard-working, quick, precise and stuff, have anything for me?". Most large companies always do.

If you're a smoker, you could find smoking spot and buddy up with workers, telling your story. You could get someone to introduce you to boss rather easily and vouching for you.

And forget about your education, don't even mention it unless needed. Also, physical, non-office jobs pay alot better if you're in the gutter, mostly because they pay for what you have: energy and health, and not some abstract skills that are not in your CV.

* Learn a marketable skill/profession. Small Business Admin? That's bullshit. We have a whole generations of business admins coming out, not finding any job because world doesn't work on paper pushing only. It might work out now some way, but what if you're 40 one day? Most mistakes people make are exactly at your age.

Easiest way to secure a profession is to get license to operate something, like a bus, truck or forklift. That's a good start.

If all fails and you still feel you're too undisciplined to succeed, just join the military for a year or two. That's what it's for.

[WHAM]

InCreator especially speaks sense, every single word. Read his post two or three times and take a while to let it sink in. Then it's all about putting in the effort.

For looking for a job, any kind of job, always offer to visit the potential workplace early on so you can physicall show yourself, let them see you, meet you and talk to you in real life. It's this kind of first impression that counts the most, not the one you make in your CV or over the phone.
"Hey, I read that you might be looking for someone to fill this vacancy in your company and I felt that I might be interested. Would it be possible for me to send my information for review and possible come to meet you real quick? Not necessarily an interview, I understand you might be busy, but I would really appreciate it if I could just come in for a quick visit to meet you and have a few words."

It sounds cheesy and all, but the main point is that you get to physicall meet people, shake their hands and show that you are a real person who is interested in them. It gives the interviewers a chance to return that interest.

[Noctambulo]

About the work: Well, you're young and healthy. Maybe it's a cliché, but that's a lot to be grateful for. Just give time to time and keep trying. Hang in there

About the girl... Well, there's a saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"...

Now, there is something that you have to be clear about: Do you really love the girl, or you're in love with your IDEA of that girl?

[R4L]

* Don't marry at 21. Reasons serious enough to marry this young exist in movies and books only.

* Look for a better job. If you're young, healthy male, forget internet/paper ads, just pick a large company and go physically there.
"Hey, I'm hard-working, quick, precise and stuff, have anything for me?". Most large companies always do.

If you're a smoker, you could find smoking spot and buddy up with workers, telling your story. You could get someone to introduce you to boss rather easily and vouching for you.

And forget about your education, don't even mention it unless needed. Also, physical, non-office jobs pay alot better if you're in the gutter, mostly because they pay for what you have: energy and health, and not some abstract skills that are not in your CV.

* Learn a marketable skill/profession. Small Business Admin? That's bullshit. We have a whole generations of business admins coming out, not finding any job because world doesn't work on paper pushing only. It might work out now some way, but what if you're 40 one day? Most mistakes people make are exactly at your age.

Easiest way to secure a profession is to get license to operate something, like a bus, truck or forklift. That's a good start.

If all fails and you still feel you're too undisciplined to succeed, just join the military for a year or two. That's what it's for.

Yeah, guess it's kinda late to change majors and start over. My major basically includes accounting, customer service, marketing, and human resource management, with regular math and english courses thrown in. I was actually thinking of finishing this semester off, and going to another college for a Culinary degree. I just have to make sure it's worth it.

Every application I've filled out has been down to the point and nothing left out. I'm gonna apply to a company here without putting my school work and see what happens.

And WHAM I know physically going there is what you're supposed to do. I guess I have been too nervous to do it. I will try to do that tomorrow when I go apply to some other places.

There are 3 major sources of distress in (personal) life:

- lack of time
- lack of money
- and worst of all - emotional problems (including the sense of lack of purpose)

But at 21 you still have a lot of time to master at least some of those.

At least you shouldn't worry that you're worse off than the majority. Just try to stay away from things and people that hurt you. Don't be afraid to risk quitting something, changing environment etc. Keeping yourself imprisoned in only one situation, just because you know it well, may easily lead to long periods of unhappiness.

I'm not afraid to change anything, but the period where I get over her and move on is really painful. I guess I have to grit my teeth and go at it full speed. I was reading some things on how to help get over this, and so far everyone including you has said almost exactly what the articles say.

Now, there is something that you have to be clear about: Do you really love the girl, or you're in love with your IDEA of that girl?

I guess it's because she makes me feel good about myself. I don't feel like a loser, sitting on my laptop all day or playing xbox all day until I pass out. Plus, all my friends have girlfriends, so that means getting out and doing things. You know I've never danced in a club until 2 years ago? All while I was 18, I never went to clubs because I was afraid I would never fit in. But we all went a couple of times and I felt on top of the world. I think that's what I'll miss most; the connections to others through her, like her family and her friends, who are great and I appreciate them a lot. But other than that, I loved her because she was mine, and she had gone through a lot of things that I had gone through, so we related. We also had the same dreams; getting a house, being successful, getting married one day, having kids.... if you asked me 2 years ago if I wanted any of that, I would have laughed in your face, but now I almost wish I could do all of that. That means something right? How does a girl come along and make me do a complete 360 in the way I think about life?

Maybe I'm just a sucker. I've thought a lot about this, and I think with all the things she's done to me in the past, and now recently, that she's never going to change, and that I should just get out and move on. I mean shit, I'll be 21, it's not really time for a relationship yet. I still need to get things going for me first before I can share them with someone else. Walking away and staying away will hurt a lot for a while, but I believe it's what I need to do and you have all told me that as well.

It's good to know that whatever is getting you down, you can come here or anywhere and get help. I really appreciate this guys.

[InCreator]

I'll expand my post a bit. Notice that it's about lessons needed to survive, not to fulfill your utopian dreams or being average wimpy ass citizen.
Also notice that I didn't suggest to change major or your dreams, just pick up something that you could use in case of emergency, so your bread and roof would be guaranteed, no matter what.

About brute force job applying:

Pick a job where you cannot get fucked over by lousy boss. Restaurant server boys and burger flippers might get slaps, with dock workers, bosses instead are afraid of slaps if they don't pay in time.

Despite your major, physical job isn't that terrifying as it seems, infact, you will see world much more clearly. That applies to wages too: skinny freckled burger flipper is easy to screw over and pay minimum wage, 200lbs dock worker not. So wages are better in "manlier" occupations. Good place to try is export/import warehouse of any kind. No matter if you apply as muscle for moving stuff or data entry or shift manager. If you get a choice, pick what you like.  You don't have to be Arnold to apply, you'll be one after a year anyway.

Places like those have problems with lazy and drunkard workers (who tend to disappear after payday due drinking), so if you're all like "where's the work, ready to get started right now" and otherwise eager to be on time and do as much as possible, you'll get hired everywhere.
After all, it's temporary until you get your shit together, so think of it as a gym where you get paid instead. I've done a great deal of "dirty" work in my life and it beats office fauna anytime as long as you're hard-working. People are more down-to-earth there. Problem is, there's no career ladder, shift manager or something like this is best you could get.

Also, don't shit your pants while looking at a door and thinking "should I go in?". You have nothing. What's there to lose? Answer: nothing. The least you get from bad interview is skill to have better ones. So it's a win/win situation either way.

Military sounds even more frightening I guess, but there's two things about military; first, this is your lifeboat until about age of 27. After which, most countries don't want you.

You're a bit too young to think about the time, but with every year, you will see that your lifetime is a resource which you should spend carefully and invest wisely. Learning and experience is the way to go, no matter what you do.

Also, if you're sunk into debts and have no insight what do do next, it could work wonders. You could learn a profession in military, get truck driver license, living and food is free till you're there and most countries have support programs for you even after you discharge, like paying loans or helping with education. Do some simple math tests, and you have officer's pension...  Again, think of it as a paid gym/psychiatrist session/etc. It isn't as hard as it sounds, because it's usually hard only first 3 months until you've being formed to be fit to do the thing. Afterwards, it's even better and easier than civilian life. And forming is nothing more than getting rid of shitty habits that got you into military in the first place.

You could dream about being business admin all you want, but from your posts, it just feels like you're not ready to be one. If you cannot manage your life, who would trust his business with you?

As for a girl problem, it's really simple. Grow balls. Clinging to a relationship at age of 21 tells a sad story about confidence.... If the woman loves you, she'll adjust. Of course, that doesn't mean you could be a dick to her.
Women are quite smart: judging from your posts, I see no reason for her to want to dedicate her life to you. So, get strong, get successful, get confident, let her fail with few other R4L's during this (I imagine she's young and wonders if all you have to give is really best she could get? Let her find out!), and then come and claim her like a boss. She'll love it, or maybe you'll make even better pick by then. Who knows?

[R4L]

Yeah well, I don't have to worry anymore. She just confessed to me today that a month ago, while we were still together and engaged, that she cheated on me. So its time to move on regardless.

I will be looking for work again, and next semester when I can apply for college I will apply again and finish.

Thanks for the advice guys. Especially you InCreator. You're very knowledgeable in this area.