I was reading the dead script for Indy IV. It's written by Chris Columbus (Goonies, Harry Potter, Mrs Doubtfire). Now, ordinarily you might think, "Hey, it's probably alright!" but no. It's not. It's really not.
We were having a laugh about this on IRC it's so bad. I mean real bad.
You have to read it.
Really.
It's called "Indiana Jones and the Monkey King."
Not joking.
Indy goes in search of a Monkey King. He is followed by one of his students who is obsessed with him. She secretly follows him for three weeks, as she hides in a banana crate, eating only bananas to stay alive. Then she leaps out when he reachs shore, and proceeds to kiss a fish, mistaking it for Indy.
And I don't want to spoil the end, but I'm going to anyway: Indy kisses a gorilla and the Monkey God tells him he watches his exploits from heaven and thinks he's awesome.
Here are some CHOICE EXCERPTS:
The Gorillas, still dressed as NAZIS, continue to DRIVE THE TANK
INDIANA
What's that got to do with my
personal life?
CLARE
Evidence. I plan on testifying at
your child molestation trial.
SUN WU KUNG COMES TO LIFE! He is UNLIKE anyone or anything we have ever seen. HALF-HUMAN. HALF-HONKEY. His face is covered with WRINKLES. His wide eyes are COAL BLACK. PROBING. WARM. When he smiles, it is DEVILISH, but incredibly CHARMING. His movements are PERKY. QUICK. An extremely ADORABLE little fellow. Instantly LOVABLE. But there is a STRONG, POWERFUL presense about him. He is indeed, a HEAVENLY FIGURE.
Quote the Villain: No...jail...can...hold...me!!!
Indy is suddenly INTERRUPTED by a HARD SLAP to his face. He LOOKS UP.
A beautiful, blonde student, REBECCA, stands over his desk. She
SCREAMS. FURIOUS.
REBECCA
Two-timing bastard!
Indiana RUBS his jaw. STARTLED. Rebecca CONTINUES.
REBECCA
How could you?!?... My own
Mother?!?... In my own bed?!?...
(slaps him again)
I've had it with you! It's over!
GUTTERBUHG
Goodbye, Doctor Jones.
Gutterbuhg TURNS to the guards. Ready to give them the ORDER...to OPEN
THE CAGE and SET THE BUFFALO FREE! Indy suddenly SCREAMS.
INDIANA
Heil Hitler!
Upon hearing the words, Gutterbuhg STANDS. Like a ROBOT. He RAISES his
mechanical arm in a "Heil Hitler" POSE.
GUTTERBUHG
Heil Hitler!
The FINGERS of Gutterbuhg's mechanical arm get CAUGHT IN THE METAL
GRATING ABOVE HIS HEAD! Gutterbuhg TRIES TO REMOVE his fingers. NO
GOOD. STUCK. Gutterbuhg PULLS. HARD. His mechanical arm is RIPPED FROM
ITS SOCKET! It DANGLES from the grating.
Some stuff that AGSers had to say:
<OsUltimo> they could of least made him search for atlantis, or something good... but a fucking monkey?
<Yufster> His mechanical arm appears to react to the words, "Heil Hitler" and automatically does the pose
<OsUltimo> why the fuck would you have it so others can say it and it goes up?
<OsUltimo> thats fucking stupid!
<OsUltimo> why does HE HAVE so MANY words in UPPERCASE, IVE never SEEN so MANY UPPERCASE words in A SCRIPT before...
<DragonRose> Because he is EXCITED about the MARVELOUS DESCRIPTIONS that HE is WRITING
<Squinky> is this all one movie?
<DragonRose> Unfortunatly, yes!
<Yufster> Yes!
<Squinky> jesus christ
<OsUltimo> immortal peaches? wtf?!
Read the script here (http://theindyexperience.com/dead_script.shtml"). Leave your comments here. We're having a laugh; you should be too.
<Yufster> His mechanical arm appears to react to the words, "Heil Hitler" and automatically does the pose
That might be the worst reference to Dr. Strangelove that I have ever heard of.
But anyways, it's probably better that some directors can't write.
But the pirates! How could you forget the pirates! Especially the Pirate King
Kezure (who)HASN'T BATHED in years.
Oh it gets worse:
BETSY
(holds her head in pain,
to Clare)
Hey, lady...you're s'posed to be a
Doctor...you got any cures for a
hangover?...
CLARE
The best I've heard was used by a
New Zealand Tribe...
(pauses, thinking)
One part crushed owl skull...two
parts rhino saliva...one part zebra
dandruff.
Betsy's face becomes PALE. Indy INTERRUPTS.
INDIANA
No, No... Get a cup of donkey sweat
...two spoons of skunk hair...and
one pint of shredded lizard tongue.
Betsy turns a light shade of GREEN. Scraggy ARGUES.
SCRAGGY
I always use family cure! Two spoons
chopped leeches... Half cup horse
mucous...two quarts crocodile urine!
BETSY
(ready to throw up)
Ex...cuse...me...!
Betsy runs OFF SCREEN. The others exchange a SHRUG
You wouldn't see crap like that in Looney Tunes.
You bastards, Dr. Strangelove is the best goddamn movie ever made!!
MEIN FUEHRER, I CAN WALK!!
Ha ha ha.
Beat this.
BETSY
Dr. Clarke says that you're not
really in love with me. You're just
trying to prove that you can still
attract younger women. You're
terrified of getting old.
INDIANA
That's crazy.
BETSY
That's what I told her. I told her
that you really did love me.
INDIANA
(fumbling)
Well...that's...ah...well...
BETSY
(worried)
You mean... She was right?...
INDIANA
No... I mean Yes... I mean...
Indy TURNS, seeing Clare GLARING at him. Indy SIGHS. PAUSES. He gives
Betsy a TENDER, HONEST look.
INDIANA
No, Betsy. I don't love you.
BETSY
(tears fill her eyes)
That's the first time you ever said
it!
Betsy begins CRYING. Into Clare's ARMS. Indiana SHAKES his head. Clare
COMFORTS Betsy.
CLARE
There. There. He's a very disturbed
man.
Indiana SIGHS. He TURNS. FACE to FACE with a GRINNING and NODDING
Gutterbuhg.
ALL THE WHILE IN THE INTIMIDATING AND RIDICULOUS PRESENCE OF THE TWO ANTAGONISTS, WHILE BEING HELD PRISONER BY THEM!!!
I'm amazed anyone could actually write crap like this script... I feel like just smacking you around Yuf for alerting us to it. :P
I can just imagine how he wrote it.
CHRIS COLUMBUS AND THE INDY IV SCRIPT
INT. CHRIS COLUMBUS' STUDY - NIGHT
AFTER smoking AN incredible amount OF pot, and INJECTING a LARGE amount of heroin into his bloodstream, CHRIS COLUMBUS gets WRITING UNDERWAY FOR indy 4...
CHRIS
(to his monkey)
Bonzo, could you help me...
(beat)
...I'm an idiot.
BONZO
Oohh, ahaha ooaao...
CHRIS
THATS A FUCKING BRILLIANT IDEA!!! :o
CHRIS begins TO write the script, and gets stuck again...
CHRIS
Could you help me again?
BONZO starts to grab AT his ass and pulls some crap OUT, and then smears it over the COMPUTER screen... it seems to form, LETTERS!
CHRIS
Oh my god... you finished it for me.
(beat)
Good work.
FADE OUT...
THE END.
Thank god that Frank Darabont is writing the new version.
Don't knock Monkey!
That said, he's already been sodomised through DBZ, and Columbus couldn't have done worse than that.
/me flies off on a pink cloud
Thats the thing, it isn't about Monkey, and although I've only briefly gone through it, I haven't seen anything that resembles the Jounrey West tale...
/me follows Las on his yellow cloud with handle bars...
For anybody that doesn't feel like reading an entire movie script, I wrote a summary (http://timisgod.mixnmojo.com) of the entire movie script which is, unfortunately, quite honest.
For all that is good in the world I hope so.
/me makes double entendre about his stick getting bigger.
The thing is, if you read the scripts for any of the Indy films you'll probably notice that they're rather rubbishy as well. It's not a series that carries iteself on soaring dialogue creative plots. It relies mainly on what comes out on screen.
And then still, you get temple of Doom, which is utter crap.
I liked the scripts for Raiders and Last Crusade, and there were pieces of Temple of Doom I liked.
I tend to agree with Las here, I'm looking at some of the crap dialog and thinking of the other scripts, and they were filled with crap too, but it works on screen. Anyway, it's the 4th in a well established series, there is no way people are ever going to like it anyway because we love the first 3 too much to open our minds to something new.
-MillsJROSS
I have to admit, I consider Temple of Doom the best Indy movie.
I vote for ROTLA but TOD did have its merits. The minecart ride became almost cliche after that movie brought it into being. I think that TOD got some negative points in my book due to that blonde actress, whatever the hell her name was.
The script above could be quite cool if made into a movie. Imagine it done in claymation.
Yeah, my only problem with TOD is Willie, but honestly Short Round more than makes up for it for me.
EDIT: ROTLA is a pretty close second for me.
They should have given Short Round a conical hat and huge buck teeth and given him a black friend with huge lips and who always eats watermelon.
Oh the hilarity...
I like Temple of Doom too.
As for Chris Columbus. I think he could have done a better job on those Harry Potter movies. a MUCH better job.
Nope, I didn't like those movies.
Anyway. I'm off to look through that script.
I didn't mind the blonde in Temple as much as some people, she wasn't that much worse than whatshername from Raiders. I just always felt it was annoying he spent half the movie trekking through the jungle before the plot of the movie is revealed.
That said, it was a good movie but not really an adventure like the other two indy movies which is what disappointed me.
Edit: Disclaimer: I do feel the movie would be better without the blonde mind you.
Willie needed to die... >:(
Quote from: Las Naranjas on Sat 31/01/2004 10:40:38
They should have given Short Round a conical hat and huge buck teeth and given him a black friend with huge lips and who always eats watermelon.
Oh the hilarity...
::)
I am pretty sure the blond from TOD was Kate Capshaw. I think she ended up marrying Steven Spielburg. Well i guess nothing gets you ahead in a movie like giving a little h**d.
"Docta Jones! Docta Jones!"
"Snakes, I hate snakes..."
"Docta Jones look out! They are repackaging your story for a video game except you have a british accent and big boobs!"
"...I have Big Boobs, eh, Short Round?"
I think it's really funny the way Indy is constantly referred to as a child molester/paedophile in that script.
EDIT: And she lived in a crate and ate bananas for three weeks to survive.
This HAS to be a joke.
I was thinking it'd make a perfect parody adventure game when I first read the synopsis.
Willie was supposed to be obnoxious and useless.
She was the Nega-Marion.
That didn't stop her from sucking.
You know, that script WOULD make a crap great indy game! I dare somebody...
Just change all the names! Nobody would ever guess they were Indy characters anyway!
There's no way that Chris wrote that. I can't believe he'd write anything SOOO STUPID. Though it's still brilliant.
In other news, I was reading the other script available on that site, and despite the amateur layout it's actually a better script altogether... and it's a fan effort. Nice action sequences.
I get the feeling this is a hoax. Chris Columbus is hardly the best writer of our time or anything, but I don't think for a moment he actually crafted this script.
I disagree. Seeing as this has been floating around the net for a while, if it was a hoax I'm pretty sure that Chris Columbus would have said something, rather than let people laugh at him.
That sort of shit could ruin a career.
oh yes... what a terrible (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001060/) career to ruin...
From what I've heard, Willie might be in the fourth one.
But what really sucks is that Marucs Brody won't be in it (on account of Denholm Elliot's death in 1992).
Face facts, TOD sucked not cause of Willie, but because Marcus wasn't in it.
You have to have Indy's bumchum to make the thing work!
He added a touch of class/sexual-tension-between-Indy-and-himself.
QuoteI was reading the dead script for Indy IV.
"Indy and the Monkey King" is not a dead script for Indy IV -- It's the dead script for Indy III (producers chose Last Crusade instead obviously).
See here: http://www.indyfan.com/articles/monkey.html
It was dated 1985.
The Indy Experience got it wrong in their review.
Quote from: Indiana Psychonaut on Wed 04/02/2004 04:15:38
I disagree. Seeing as this has been floating around the net for a while, if it was a hoax I'm pretty sure that Chris Columbus would have said something, rather than let people laugh at him.
That sort of shit could ruin a career.
Either that, or he just shrugged it off due to it's utter ridiculousness. That or he may just not know about it. It's often surprising how long it takes for the subject of an internet prank to find out about said prank, and I'm sure his (admittedly rather lackluster) career occupies enough of his time that he's not in the business of rooting around for his name on the internet. There's also the matter to consider that if he does know about the whole thing, he elected simply to keep quiet because he didn't want to attract more attention to it.
Indy fans might be interested to know that the Indy IV script is now complete (written by Frank Darabont). This means, if all the schedules fit together, shooting will begin at the end of Summer 2004.
http://www.theraider.net/newsarchives/indy4/2004_january.php#0101300401
I've got mixed feelings. When I was 10 I'd have been so excited, but (and I know people go on and on about this) Harrison Ford is old now, will he look right playing Indy again? There's definitely no-one else who could do it, but can even Harrison do it now? The ending of 'Last Crusade' was so perfect for one of my favourite series, will it now be spoiled with an inferior script?
Fingers crossed anyway. I think one important thing is to keep the spirit of old-fashioned filmmaking of the original films, doing all of the work with proper stunts and sets. Lucas' influence could easily turn it towards a mass of CGI insanity, which'd be a shame, because some stuff in the originals is so much cooler for having been built and real. The snakes, for example, they'd probably just be CGI creations nowadays. Spielberg says something about doing stuntwork for real, and not on the computer, on the DVD, that I really agree with.
Well, if it indeed goes through with Darabont as has been often rumoured (it didn't look like that Lucasfilm quote really confirmed anything specific), at least the film will be in pretty good hands behind the camera; Darabont's writing and Spielburg's direction (and Frank Marshall's production, I suppose) should theoretically bang out a pretty solid Indy film. However, like most others, I'm sure, I have severe worries about what the hell is going to go on in front of the camera. Ford will play Indy of course, but in what capacity? Lucas has stated that he won't be doing all the crazy action he did in the prior films, so what exactly will he do? I think on the whole this is probably a film that's better left unmade, but who knows, maybe I'll be surprised.
I can see Indy having some kind of protege tag along who ends up being the "new Indy".
I don't have a problem with that.
Rodey, are you suggesting a... a... SPIN-OFF?!?!
No way, that could never happen! ;D
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch this Ewoks movie!
YUB YUB!
I'd rather have a different actor play Indy than a spin off taking place during the Cold War. River Phoenix could've pulled it off, and did in LEC.
Then again, the Young Indy series was atrocious, but that may have been more due to the shoddy writing and the famous historical figure of the week trite rather than the lack of Harrison.
River Phoenix was amazing as young Indy. He nailed the character.
Too bad the guy in the tv show was terrible.
I suppose it would be interesting to move the series on with a new actor, like in the Bond series, but man, would it ever be hard to accept someone else in the role...
Quote from: rodekill on Wed 04/02/2004 15:58:52
River Phoenix was amazing as young Indy. He nailed the character.
hmm... KINKY.
I must have missed the entire beginning of the film. Whoops, blink and you miss it, I guess. Or you know, miss the beginning of the film and you miss it.
I just stumbled over that post and, hey, it's too early for April fools' jokes, isn't it? That script can't be serious... (Or... can it in fact? Well, since Star Wars episodes 1 and 2 I lost my faith in George Lucas' films anyway)
Yes it is serious -- it was going to be Indy III.
But it was written in the mid-80s by the guy who made the Home Alone films.
All it needed was Molly Ringwald as Indy's chick and the cheese-factor would have been off the scale.
The fact it was written in the mid 80s explains soooo much.
Who's Molly Ringwald?
Shes the redheaded chick from Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles... you know, one the few members of the Brat Pack who went downhill at the end of the 80's...
...what am I saying, they all did! :P
It beats me why the kept on Harrison when Corey Feldman was crying out for the roll.
And Judd Nelson was perfect for Marcus Brody.
Emilio Estevez could have played Beloque.
See, I don't understand why they didn't let John Hughes produce the Indy movies instead of Lucas! ;D
We all know Tom Selleck is the best Indy and Danny DeVito the best Sallah.
Eric Bana could make a pretty good Indy, if he had more than one facial expression.
And Chris's spelling! You know he's "troobled" when he can't get the "soond" of the word right! And was it a cliche when the knights klinked together and the sound of heavy metal (music?)? Who knows.
Bad news on the new Indy Script (from IMDB):
'Indy 4' Faces Script Delay
Legendary film-maker George Lucas is delaying the filming of the long- awaited Indiana Jones 4 - because he's unhappy with the script. The Star Wars director, who's acting as executive producer alongside director Steven Spielberg, is allegedly dissatisfied with the screenplay handed in by Shawshank Redemption director Frank Darabont. And it now seems the sequel's projected 2005 release date is unlikely to be met, with shooting on the Harrison Ford-starring movie now likely to start next year instead.
Apparently, in the new movie.... rumour would have it he has a brother. Apparently that's part of the reason George wanted the script 'polished' again. Hmm.
If that's true... what would you all make of a Brother for Indy? I don't think I'd like it, if it involved being a long lost brother or something... and probably they'd incorporate lots of wholesome family bickering in it, basically recycling a lot of Last Crusade...
They never mentioned a brother in any of the Young Indy series, or any of the movies. Hm.
See, another reason I suspect they would give him a brother is because Harrison Ford is kinda old, so the attraction of the movie to the younger female population would be diluted. By adding a 'hot young star' such as Ben Affleck they'd be increasing the movie's pulling power immensely.
And I don't like Ben Affleck.
i highly highly highly doubt anyone writting the script for indy 4 cares at all about the Young Indiana Jones series.
they probably care more about the Indy games than the tv series
George Lucas specifically told writers for the Indy Series not to involve certain parts of Indys history, in case they ever decided to incorporate those areas into a movie.
"Certain parts" may not mean anything not already included in the first 3 films [including the prologue to Crusade].
And I apologise for the lack of italics.