Top 10 jokes

[matt]

i made this thread to post all our favourite funny jokes pics or movies in.

"Rules"
1. It has to be funny or strange enough for a laugh.
2. Nothing to do with sex or extreme violence.
3. don't be stupid and act your age.

[Trihan]

Three women who have died are waiting by the pearly gates to get in. St. Peter comes up to them and says "Welcome to heaven ladies, we have just one rule here. Under no circumstances may you step on the heavenly ducks."

The women think that this will be an easy rule to follow, if not a little odd. So the gates are opened, they gaze upon the kingdom of heaven, and to their dismay...

Ducks. Ducks everywhere. Almost every square inch of ground in heaven has a duck in it.

So they try their best not to step on any of these ducks, but one day the first one plants her foot square on top of a duck. St. Peter immediately appears with an extremely ugly man and chains her to him, saying "As punishment for stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of your afterlife chained to this ugly man."

So the other two are REALLY careful not to step on the ducks, but soon enough fate repeats itself and the second lady accidentally squashes a duck. St. Peter chains her to an even uglier man and says "As punishment for stepping on a duck, you will spend the rest of your afterlife chained to this ugly man."

Well this really gets the third one spooked, and for many days and many nights she strains every fibre of her being to avoid the same fate, and for a long time manages to avoid stepping on even a single tail feather.

Then one day St. Peter approaches her with the ultimate man. An adonis. Handsome to look at, highly intelligent, very kind and considerate. As he chains them together she sighs "I don't know what I did to deserve this."

The man looks at her and says "I don't know about you, lady, but I stepped on a duck."

[RickJ]

Here is an oldie but goodie...

Three guys are riding in the countryside when their car breaks down.  They walk for what seems like an eternity until they come upon a little farmhouse. They explain their situation to the framer and ask to use the phone.   They call a garage/mechanic who informs them that he won't be able to repair their car until the next day.  The farmer offers to put them up for the night on the condition that they stay away from his daughter.

The three are given blankets and told to make themselves comfortable in the living room.   Now one of these guys is really smart and one of them is really dumb (of course).    So they are sitting there in the dark talking "Man that framer's daughter is just so beautiful and did you see how she was looking at us. ... I just know she wants me to sneak in her room tonight ..".  So the smart one finally says that he is going to try to sneak upstairs into the girl's bedroom.

He begins slowly and quietly climbing the stairs.  Everything is going great  until he gets about 3/4 the way up and steps on a squeaky stair thread.  The farmer comes running out of his room in the darkness with a loaded shotgun and says in a gruff voice "Who is there?".  The smart guy thinks quickly and says "meeow".  The farmer puts his gun down and says to himself "Damn cat!".  The guy waits a while and then continues on to the daughters room who is waiting for him.  (Presumably they have some tea and discuss the finer points of game programming.)

Afterwards he sneak back down and tells the other two what happened.  He tells the second guy that the daughter is expecting his visit also and that he just has to remember that when he hits the squeaky step that he is the cat.   So off the second one goes and the same thing happens.  The step squeaks, the farmer comes out with loaded shot gun and says "Who is there?" to which the second guy replies "meeow".   The farmer returns to his room muttering to himself  "Stupid cat again!".

The second guy returns to tell of his experience.  They both turn to the dumb guy and ask him if he would like to try.  He says "Duh! I don't know!".  "Don't you want to get the girl?" they ask to which he says "Duh! Yeah! Git da girl! Duh Ok!".  They explain about the step several times to be sure he remembers what to do and then they send him on his way.

He climbs the stairs until he hits the squeaky step and the farmer comes out "Who is there?".   Nothing, so the farmer repeats "Who is there dam it?"  Finally the answer comes  ...

Spoiler

"DUH! DA CAT!"

[close]

[Ghost]

There's this nunnery where 100 nuns are praising the lord. Each evening they all meet in the largest hall to be given lectures by the head nun.
Today, she's looking very, very strict.
"Sisters", she exclaims, "I have been told that last night, a car had an accident, very close by, and the car's owner, a man, has knocked at the doors of this here nunnery."

99 nuns go "Ooo." One nun smiles.

"And!", the head nun continues, "He was let into our nunnery, and, I am ashamed to say, I know that he spent the night with one of us!"

99 nuns go "Ooo." One nun smiles.

"I do", the head nun cries, "know this only because this morning I found a condom..."

99 nuns go "Ooo." One nun smiles.

"...a USED condom..."

99 nuns go "Ooo." One nun smiles.

"...with a HOLE in it!"

One nun goes "Ow." 99 nuns smile.

[monkey0506]

Once upon a time there was a PokeBall who magically came to life. Being as he was a PokeBall he didn't really know much, but he knew he needed a name. Something he could call himself. The very first thing he encountered on his wonderful world journey was a doormat. So he decided to name himself after that, but just call himself "mat" for short.

So mat, the PokeBall, was wondering aimlessly through the woods when he encountered Professor Cox, an obvious and blatant rip-off of Dr. Cox from Scrubs, but drawn in anime style and a completely different character.

Cox summoned his first Pokemon, Squirtle, whom he called "Squirter." "Squirter, Sodomy attack!" he shouted. A small hole appeared in the nether regions of Squirter's shell, and then shortly thereafter an extremely large and powerful stream of water came out and started blasting all-up-ons mat's hinge joint (on his rear side). Though it was extremely painful, mat also couldn't deny the extreme pleasure he felt at this. No one had ever made him feel quite like that before.

Finally Cox summoned Chefmon, a Pokemon variant of Chef from South Park who Cox just called Chef. "Chef, make me an omelet." Chef pulled a large and unwieldy meat cleaver out of his back pocket and started hacking away at mat's thick outer shell. Inside he found all sorts of delicious goodies. Apparently mat had been incubating Trollmon, the most delicious tasting of all Pokemon. It was still in its infancy, so Chef had to finely dice the pieces to make the omelet exactly right. Nobody likes trollchunks.

"What the hell is this?" Cox demanded of Chef, "I summon you for an omelet and you bring me this filth?" Cox threw it back in Chef's face. That was it. Enough was enough. Chef pulled out the 10 pound frozen chicken he'd been hiding under his shirt.

Nearby a leprechaun jumped out of the bushes, looking to shake things up.

"What are you doing? No. Put the chicken down Chef. We can work this out!" Cox pleaded with Chef.

"Gonna make sweet lovin' to your dead body." Chef pronounced as he pelted the leprechaun's backside so forcefully with the chicken that it stuffed him like a Thanksgiving turkey. As everyone knows leprechauns have among the world's worst allergies, and the worst of those being to having chickens thrown at them.

Suddenly the entire world exploded in flames...

100 years later...

The Earth lay in ruins. It had never been able to recover the great Chicken-Throwing/Leprechaun event of 2008. Suddenly out of the skies, four spectral figures emerged riding vicious-looking skeletal steeds.

"Aww damn it. monkey had to go and break the rules, didn't he?" one of the horsemen said to another.

"Wanna go get some onion rings?" the second asked.

"May as well." They all agreed.

[Meowster]

This joke is rude btw ¬¬


My friend told this around the christmas dinner table at his parents house and it was met with silence:

Spoiler

Statistics show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape.

[close]

He told me that the joke had failed and maybe it had been inappropriate, and I pointed out that he'd told it wrong (he'd said 1 out of 10 people, not 9 out of 10). So he assumed that was the reason it had fallen flat, and he tried telling it again at a more opportune moment. I don't think it went any better the second time.

[Darth Mandarb]

A small boy is found on the stoop of a convent.  The nuns decide to keep the child and raise him in the convent with no contact with the out-side world.

Finally, on the boy's 18th birthday they decided it was time he saw some of the world so they let him go by himself into the town.

As he's wandering around the town on his own a hooker approaches him and says, "hey baby ... I'll give you a blowjob for 50 bux!"

Totally bewildered the boy later returns the convent and the head nun says, "welcome back ... did you enjoy your time in the town?"

The boy replies, "Yes but I have a question.  What's a blowjob?"

The nun's eyes widen for a second.  She looks around and then whispers, "50 bux ... same as in town".

[Stupot]

A man got into the back of a taxi and the driver said 'where to?'
'The station please', said our man. And the taxi pulled off and started heading towards the station.
After a while, the passenger realised he was supposed to meet someone, and had to turn around.  So he leaned forward and tapped the driver on the shoulder.
The driver jumped and screamed and the taxi veered all over the road, rolled into a field and smacked into a tree.
Both men were unharmed, and as they climbed out the the taxi the man said to the driver 'Jesus, mate, What happened there... I was only gonna ask you to turn around'

And the Driver replied:

Spoiler

I'm so sorry man... today's my first day on the job.. before this I drove a hearse

[close]

[Houchin1012]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I`m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[MillsJROSS]

Let me take you back to a simpler time. The year was 0. Adam had recently been created, and was fortunate not to have to go through an awkward teenager phase. He lived a free life and was mostly free to do what he wanted. But it was a lonely life, and so after a little while, Adam got the courage to go to God.

"God", he said, "I can't thank you enough for what you've given me, but while I'm grateful, I feel a longing for companionship." Adam waited a moment until the familiar voice of God could be heard through the trees. "Adam. I can make you a women who will do anything, anything at all, that you ask of her. She'll clean the garden for you, make you dinner, be a generous lover, have a great personality and she'll never complain about you once."

Adam was titillated at hearing this, and he responded quickly. "She sounds perfect." "There's just one thing." God said. "It'll cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thought about this for a moment and replied "What can I get for a rib?"

-MillsJROSS

[Jon]

I was in the doctors the other day, when in ran a bloke who was completly naked with just clingfilm wrapped around him.

The doctor looked him up and down before saying, "Hmmm, I can see your nuts"

[Stupot]

I was in the waiting room at the Doctor's the other day and there was a bowl of peanuts... so I took one and was about to put one in my mouth.

"Nice tie you have there" said the peanut.

I Jumped out of my seat, and threw the peanut back in the bowl... was I going mad?  I decided to calm myself down with a coffee so I walked up to the coffee machine and was about to put a quid in it.

"Fuck off" Said the coffee machine.

Shaking, I went to the receptionist and said "Look, I need to see the doctor, I'm going mad... the peanut just told me I had a nice tie and the coffee machine told me to fuck off."

"Don't worry," the receptionist said, "The peanuts are complimentary and the Coffee machine is out of order."

[(deleted)]

(deleted)

[Darth Mandarb]

1. Obviously, this joke really only works when retold verbally. The "your" vs "you're" device is what makes it work, so when you read the joke, it's broken.

Actually ... given the sickeningly vast number of people that can't grasp the concept of "your" vs. "you're" I wouldn't be surprised that the written joke is pretty much as effective as the verbal one.  For a [vomit inducing] example of this ... just hop around youTube for awhile reading the comments on some posts.

[limeTree]

i made this thread to post all our favourite funny jokes pics or movies in.

"Rules"
1. It has to be funny or strange enough for a laugh.
2. Nothing to do with sex or extreme violence.
3. don't be stupid and act your age.

I must notice,most of your rules have been violated.
But,rules are there to be broken!


The people gathered around Jesus as he was giving a new lecture.In the distance he saw a
group of people attacking a female sinner.He stepped between her and the people just before they were about to stone her and said:
"He who is without the sin may be the first one to throw the stone!"
Suddenly he got hit with a big stone right in his forehead.
Jesus said:
"MOM!GO HOME!!"

[InCreator]

Hm. to hell with rules.

There's a joke one co-worker always told when he got tipsy...
This one's russian origin, best if spoken in russian and it's hard to internationalize/translate, but I'll try my best, and be polite
--
A small girl walks on the street, passes a waiting taxi.
"Hey girl, want me to do you?" a horny taxi driver asks.
Girl gets scared and runs home.

"Mom, taxi driver wanted to 'do' me. What does it mean?"
Mom decides to not tell the truth.
"Oh, this means he wants to drive you in his taxi."

Some time later, mother, little girl, her grandmother and their dog Rover are going to visit some relatives.
"Go to the street and ask a taxi driver how much will the fare be", mother says to a girl.

Girl runs out and asks taxi driver:
"How much would it cost to do me, mom, grandma and Rover?"

Taxi driver scratches head:
"Well, I would do you for free, $50 for mom, and grandma..."
"Eh, well, let Rover do grandma!"

[Esseb]

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Spoiler

Acne waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

[close]

[Ryan Timothy B]

(THIS JOKE IS NOT FOR THE WEAK OR PRINCESS DIANA LOVERS!  IT'S VERY SICK... yet really funny)

They found out that Princess Diana had dandruff.

Spoiler

Yep, they found her Head & Shoulders in the glove box.

[close]

[SpacePirateCaine]

So here we are once again at the front reception hall of Heaven, often known as the 'Pearly Gates'.

St. Peter is waiting at his podium when nearly simultaneously three men show up and, after a disoriented moment walk over to the podium to receive holy judgment. After looking at the three for a moment, St. Peter addresses them as a group.

"Welcome to the Pearly Gates. Unfortunately, we're just about at capacity and though God's scheduling some time to make more space for all of the newcomers, I'm afraid that we just can't accommodate everybody right now. We are only letting in 33% of the people that arrive, even if they're all righteous and deserving of entrance. Of course, this also is subject to our screening process, but if you're good Christians and unless you've committed one of the Seven Deadly sins, we can probably get you a spot eventually. Now, I'd like you all to just take a seat in the waiting room over there, while I interview you each individually."

St. Peter motions the three men to go to a small enclosure with sofas and tables, and a holy newsstand for them to wait. They all sit down, and wait for a little while before St. Peter comes over to them with a clipboard and asks the first of the three men to come with him. The man stands up and follows St. Peter into a small room and is seated in front of a large desk. St. Peter seats himself at the desk and speaks to the man.

"Alright, basically our screening revolves a lot around the way you die. Even if you live well, but die in sin, you may not be allowed in. By that same token, even if you died badly, the circumstances in which you died may help your case. So I'd like you to give me a play-by-play of the way in which you died. So, on your own time..."

St. Peter picks up a pen, puts it to the clipboard and waits patiently for the man to begin. After a moment, the man starts:

"Okay, well I suppose I should begin with the story of what got me into the situation I was in. Picture it - I go to work every day and make money for my wife, to take care of her. We've been married only for a year so we don't have any kids, but soon the plan was to move out of our 9th floor apartment into a nice little house in the suburbs... Anyway, recently I'd been getting the impression that my wife had been cheating on me. You know the signs, she's been distant, secretive... Anyway.

"So I decided one day that I was going to try to catch her in the act. I called in sick to work and decided that I was going to watch my apartment and see if anything happened. So I got in my car, drove around the block, then hid in a coffee shop across the street to wait. And not half an hour after I left, I saw some guy who I'd never seen at the apartment before enter the building, and not long after, saw the curtains in my apartment pulled closed and could swear I saw some shadows of movement from the other side.

"I stormed up the stairs and tried the front door. It was locked, I listened, and could hear the sound of the shower running. I was sure that they were getting ready for... Well, you know. Anyway, I unlocked the door and bust in, trying to find the guy, but couldn't find him. I was sure he was in there, I could see a pair of shoes I didn't recognize in the front hall. So I checked the bathroom quietly, but only my wife was in there. I looked everywhere inside, but couldn't find anyone. Finally, to calm myself down, I went out onto the balcony, and there he was.

"I saw this guy hanging by his fingers right off the edge of the balcony, and when I looked down at him, he looked just as startled as I was. I knew it was the guy. So I went into a rage. I kicked at his hands, stepped on his knuckles and tried to make him fall. He kept holding on tight and wouldn't drop, so I got on my knees, punched his hands, and eventually socked him in the teeth. He fell down the 9 stories, but into a shrub. He looked injured, but I knew he was still alive. So I freaked out, went into the kitchen, dragged the fridge out onto the balcony and tipped it over the edge on top of him.

"A few minutes later, realizing what I had done, I realized that I was a murderer and couldn't bear to live with myself. I got my gun out of the closet and shot myself."

St. Peter sat in stunned silence for a moment, then stood up, showed the man over to a separate waiting room and asked him to wait while he passed judgment. He then went back to the first waiting room, and ushered the second man into the interview room to get his story. Similarly, the man begun.

"Picture it - a man in his prime, finally building up enough money to start his own business as a professional window washer. I got myself some equipment and was just starting on my first building when I realized that buying my scaffold and harness second-hand on the cheap wasn't a great idea.

"Before I knew it, the whole setup had come apart, and I was plummeting to sure death down below. I tried to save myself by grabbing on to a balcony on the 9th floor, and just barely managed to hang on as I watched my stuff fall down to the ground below.

"I tried my best to pull myself up, but just as I managed to get a strong grip on the balcony, some crazy looking guy runs out onto the balcony and spies me below. I was going to ask him for help, but he just started screaming and trying to make me fall. He stepped on my knuckles and kicked at my hands, then got down on his knees and tried to pry my fingers up. Finally, he punches me in the face and I lose my grip. I guess I should consider myself lucky that there was a hedge below me as it cushioned my fall.

"I knew I had broken most of the bones in my body, but I was just happy to be alive. But just as I was counting my lucky stars, and trying to get to my cell phone to call 911, a dark shadow appears over me, and something huge comes down on top of me and I'm crushed to death. The next thing I know, here I am."

St. Peter thanks him, and tells him that he'll get final judgment as soon as he's heard the story from the last man that arrived with them. He takes him to the second waiting room and goes to fetch the third and final man. Similarly, he escorts him to the interview room and asks him to explain the events leading up to his death.

The man clears his throat, then begins:

"Picture it - Hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

[Stupot]

I have a little collection of Leper jokes.
Here are three of my favourites:

Q. Why don't Lepers play poker?
A. In case they accidentaly throw their hand in.

Q. Why don't Lepers play Ice-Hockey?
A. In case there's a faceoff in the corner.

Q. Why don't Lepers send Valentines cards?
A. In case they leave their tongues in the envelope.

...and one for his knob...

Q. Why did the Leper fail his driving test?
A. Because he left his foot on the accelorator.