ATTENTION all old friends... Update into KANDYMAN's life. HAPPY NEW YEARS

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

<New post with new info at bottom of page>

Hi let me start by saying, Hi. My name is KANDYMAN (creator of "little jonny evil" cousin of RhubarbCelestial who is currently dating Yahtzee.) and I currently live in Mackay up in queensland. But in 3 weeks I will be living in Melbourne. I have started to scare the shit out of myself, so let me continue by saying....

fuck fuck fuck FUCK omigod omigod omigod..... shit shit shit shit, ARSE!!!

Now thats out of the way I shall continue. I have been planning to move to Melbourne for a little while now. I haven't, in all honesty thought it ALL the way through. I was originally invited to move there by two VERY close female friends of mine, whom sadly are now no longer as close. And in all honesty one is now not even a friend. I have accepted this and still kept my plan to move anyway.

I then met and fell in love witha very beautiful woman, I am twenty she is thirty. We have been together for a year and a quater, and living together for at least 11 months of that. I was delighted when it turned out that she also had plans for Melbourne. Actually I have to say the last 11 months are the stablest I've been... messy on occasion but very stable. Which is why it crushes me now that we shall NOT be moving together... she has dumped me.

Not for another person, not for bad behaviour, and not because I am a bad boyfriend... (according to her I am the PERFECT boyfriend)... it is because i haven't decided what I want out of life. I asked her why she couldn't take my age into consideration on that, she said my age was the exact reason she couldn't take it into consideration. (if anyone could better explain that i would appreciate it).

So now I am alone. Without emotion support, or stability. I am lost, and I am moving and time is ticking down. I have talked to work about transfering, they have found me a new position, with the same hours, but more money in the EXACT spot I wanted to move to. I also have some family that I can stay with breifly until I find somewhere of my own to live.

I now just lack a clear head on the whole damn thing.

So could people please tell me if they would be interested in meeting up, and answering my questions here online.

Some about accomodation that is available, like share housing? If that particular option is safe? How much etc etc...

And then anyone who would like to know about my past relationship that thinks they could help tetangle some of the crap that went on...

Faithfully yours.... John, the KANDYMAN

[Evil]

Very sad story Kandy. If I lived in Melbourne I'd be happy to give you a place to stay. Hopefully someone else who lives there feels the same. Best of luck to you.

[auhsor]

Hy, that isn't good at all. Unfortunately I don't live in Melbourne, so I dont know how I can help. I think that if you can get somewhere to stay, and your job sorted that is a start.

[Blade]

I'm not from Melbourne too, but I think you can manage wih what you have - work and place to live at a start. And about your relationship, I'm no authority on this things, but I think she meant probably that you think about different things in life than she does or something like that.

[[Cameron]]

I'm too far south of melbourne. I'm down in geelong. So no help from me either. 

[rodekill]

Hey Kandy, sorry to hear about what happened to you.
Just a thought I had when reading your story.

20 to 30 is a very big age difference, but not just for the number of years. Your early 20's are your formative years, when you finally have the opportunity to get out on your own and experiment with life to figure out how you want to spend it.
At 30, most of these decisions have been made. You've been out and had fun, met people, tried new things etc... Usually at this point you're ready to slow down and have a family.
She may even still care for you very much, but maybe she sees that deep down, no matter how you feel now, you haven't been out and experienced these things. Maybe she thinks she's doing you a favor in the long run?

Of course, all that is very general and makes a lot of assumptions.

Anyways, just a thought I had. Maybe it'll help you in some way.

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

Thank you. Its nice to get some compassionate sympathy guys, that makes me feel better. I haven't told any of my family yet, I purposely don't want them to know. Until I leave town I am temporarily living with my parents. Hell its only for three weeks, even still I can't stand my father. The man is impossible to live with... but one screaming match later I think I am ok. And things will be calm enough until I go.

Rode: some of what you say is possibly true, but I have to say I was keen on settling down. I was also keen on straightning her out and supporting her. It was her that was very career focussed, she felt she had wasted time to make up for. A bit sad really... plus baggage from arsehole exboyfriends. (makes me very angry to be honest, I've never hated anyone in my life, except one of her exes)

I am currently surfing the classifieds in the herald sun to check out accomodation for share housing... I can't afford to live on my own.

My pay has gone up... if I get only my bare minimum wage it will be aproximately 390 after tax... not much. But I will also have centrelink payments... but i don't know how much that will be.

mmmm more things to think about...

applied for job today.

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

Hi Guys... things are changing...

My girlfriend is now saying she wouldn't mind living with me in Melbourne. (But I know she ISN'T in love with me it would simply be a facade of a relationship...) she knows I still love her and I now believe from the way she keeps talking about certain things that she expects that I will support her and continue to give to her, and give things to her despite the fact she has told me she no longer has romantic feelings for me...

If i tell her I love her or I miss her... all i get is silence down the phone till I say something else.

I confessed it all to my singing teacher today, who is a good mate of mine... he told me to "stuff the whole thing and consider moving to England". He knows it wouldn't be possible for me to stay in Mackay... for sanity reasons. And he knows I can get my English passport. So he suggested I forget the whole thing, and change countries, he thinks moving in with her wouldn't be good for me... He even told me he has somewhere I could stay for free for a few weeks, and he thinks he could even line up a job to get me started...

Its confusing, I'm concidering it.

And my job application for Melbourne just got faxed today...

[Blade]

I think you should ask yourself these questions:

1. Although you're in love with that woman, are you sure you want to continue this relationship even though she doesn't love you?

2. Which would you like more, Melbourne or England? (both has its pros and cons, so think it over carefully unless you've already made up your mind)

[DGMacphee]

Hi Kandy,

I don't know much about love and relationships but, this year, I became an expert on break-ups. I had two this year. One was with a girl where we built a relationship over the course of nearly three years -- she was the one I thought would be "the one". The one I would have popped the question to, given a few more years. But she dumped me, for many reasons I won't go into because they're not all that interesting in the grand scheme of things.

I was sad for a while. How sad? The kind of sad where you pull out every song in your CD collection and somehow they all remind you of her. Even the theme song to Hill Street Blues (strangely enough). I stayed at home, bought the complete series of Futurama and watched them all in a row. After a week or two of being a hermit, I went outside, caught up with some old friends, and life resumed as usual.

The other break-up was with someone I met soon after -- a girl, younger than I and very different in perspective. Very serious, very analytical. But in a way, she changed my perspective on a lot of things, especially religion -- a topic I've been known to shun, especially as many here would know. But I liked her a lot. And I could tell she liked me. I was her first boyfriend and girls always really like their first boyfriends. That is, until they get dumped. Then their boyfriends become the worst people in the world.

But we dated for nearly three months and I could tell things weren't going to work out. I think, me being her first boyfriend, she was very new to relationships. I don't think she understood what it meant to share you life with another. When you're that young, you don't think about such things. I mean, she was the kind of person that you'd struggle to find out anything personal about her. She was very quiet. I like a good conversation, but it's difficult when all the conversation happens from my side. So, my heart wasn't in it anymore. I dumped her. And I'm an arsehole for doing so. But it had to happen.

Don't get me wrong though -- she was an angel.She was very kind, sweet, and smart. She played a few differnet instruments and gave them names as if they were her pets. I thought it was cute. I kind of wondered what she saw in me. Everytime she starred at me with her inquisitive eyes, I went all gooey. Having someone look at you like that makes you very vulnerable person. And that's a good thing.

Kandy, you're in love with your woman. I know this very well. You told me so in that pub with the shag carpet on the wall. And I could see it by the way you spoke about her. I know how much you were in love with her. They say we do not choose who we fall in love with -- it just happens. And when it happens so naturally, that's a great thing.

But sadly we do have to choose whether we break-up with someone or not. People make this decision: do I want to stay or leave this relationship? Your partner made her decision. Just like my ex did with my first break-up for this year. And just like I did with my second break-up. But, looking at things from such a perspective, I'd say that she's doing you a favour by breaking up with you. Would you still want to be with someone whose heart is not in it? I know I wouldn't want to be with Rene again, knowing she wasn't committed all the way. And I certainly hope Kellie finds someone more suited to her -- someone whose heart is in it all the way.

Now I'm single and alone. And at the moment, I'm happy with that. There's nothing wrong with being on your own for while, especially after a break-up. Why is this? Because now I'm also smarter than I was at the beginning of the year. And that makes all the break-ups in the world worthwise. The thing about tragedy is that it somehow makes us wiser, smarter, and stronger when we face it. Of course, this is a typical thing for me to say. I always say crap like this. But it's true crap. You face your fears, then you become a better person.

I don't know much about love and relationships. I'm 23 going on 24. To many of my friends at Uni (who are mainly 19-21), I'm old. But I'm still to young to know everything, especially about love and relationships. But I do know a little more about break-ups now. And I tell you all this so that I hope you understand more about the situation you're in. I hope I've properly communicated what both sides of the coin where like for me. And I know it hurts. It's supposed to. But there's something I take from all this -- a line from a song called The Bitterest Pill by The Jam:

For the bitterest pill is hard to swallow
The love I gave hangs in sad coloured, mocking shadows

The bitterest pill is mine to take
If I took if for a hundred years, I couldn't feel any more hate

Nowadays, I don't feel sad or angry over what happened. I'm happy with the way things are going now. My life is on track. And I hope you remember always that no matter what happens with you and your girl, or with Melbourne or England, your life will still be moving.

Always moving. Never stagnant.

- DG

[Andail]

like a rolling stone

John, I offered you to come and see me in Gothenburg when you actually lived here, I don't think I will have greater success now when you're back in Australia.

I'm not gonna give any advise on relationships, because I've never managed to stay with a girl more than a night, so I must be the world's worse relationship-person. I've grown quite jaded of it, truthfully, and the main reason I keep sleeping in women's beds is that when I wake up in the morning and feel the wonderful smell of their sheets, it's a magnificent moment.

I will emphasise Rodekill's words of warning, though. There is nothing wrong with older women - I've always liked them, but I would think twice before engaging in a relationship. She will demand more of a relationship than you, and she will have a natural and unfair advantage in all your arguments, simply because she's more experienced.

Well, John, don't let her change you...you're a warm-hearted guy, and during mittens '02 we all discovered the great personality that was hidden under the goofiness of the forum nickname Kandyman.

DG, I didn't know you and your girlfriend had broken up. I guess I was away from the forum when you announced it, or you simply never wrote about it.

If mittens happens this summer, and if I go there, I expect to see both John and DG there, and we shall drink many a beer and tell many a tale of love and such.
Love ya', people!

[DGMacphee]

DG, I didn't know you and your girlfriend had broken up. I guess I was away from the forum when you announced it, or you simply never wrote about it.

Aye, I've never written about it here until now. I didn't really want to, for some reason. Probably cause there are certain parts of my life I like to keep private. At least, until a brother's hurting. Then I tell what I know in hopes someone might learn something, even if just a small something, from my limited experiences. I was actually going to send all this to Kandy in a PM, but I figured I might post publically so maybe others can learn something.

And it's not all bad. I've still got a direction I want to go in my life, even if there's no woman by my side anymore. Hey, maybe I'll pick someone else up along the way -- or is it that they'll pick me up along their way?  But I hope, in saying all this, Kandy understands what I'm saying about moving on.

[KANDYMAN-IAC]

I know what you mean DG but I don't want it to end this way...

I still talk to her alot, and flirt with her over the phone but I feel all drained when I tell her I love her and miss her and care about her and all I get is dead air on the opposite end of the phone...

ie, New Years Eve just passed.

And she will continue to let me insinuate "naughty" things to her, and she tells me it affects her. I guess I am clutching at ways to get her to still react with real sentiment towards me.

I know this is kinda behavious on my behalf. But the way its currently structered I don't know how to stop it. And I still want her back. And she seems to make it clear she wants parts of me, but that is only temporary and when it suits her.

All through this relationship I gave alot more than I got, and I really pampered her. Cause I loved to do it, and I think she would just continue to let me do that after we had ended and only stop when she saw that it was draining me...

She doesn't know how to end things, she never ended her past relationships properly... which is why they were sooooo fucked up and why they upset me so much. I've just realised that I have to stop, because she is my first, I am following the lead. I always told her what she was doing with her exes was majorly unhealthy.

I could end up like them.

I told my teacher what I was like with her, and he said that I was good for her. I then told him that I found things that distressed me about the type of emotional attachment she still had with and for her exes, but I told him i purposely never did anything because I should never have been looking (I was snooping because I was highly suspicious and paranoid, and I found out things I didn't wanna know). He then told me I wasn't good for her in that regard, because despite the fact I shouldn't have been looking, I should have made it clear (with evidence) that she was doing the wrong thing and it needed changing.

I would bring the general topic up with her... but I would always get shot down. She was a much better arguer than me... she and quite a few boyfriends to practise on.


HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE :S...

[jetxl]

* jet opens his book of wisdom that can only be opened once a year

Detach youself from her!

Don't call her.
Don't visit her.
Don't invite her when you're going out.
When you do talk to her, talk about nothing. "Hi, how are you. I'm fine. Well, I have to go."

Your relationship with her isn't going to work anyway, so call it quits.

This might sound hard and maybe you want to ignore this, but this is what my book of wisdom says. And the book is NEVER wrong.

ps. Happy new year, too.

[DGMacphee]

Happy New Year to you too, Kandy!

I read your post, then realised something with the very first line:

I know what you mean DG but I don't want it to end this way...

How do you want to end it?

I mean, I know you love her but from the sounds of it, it's causing you a lot of grief. Perhaps (and this is probably going to hurt you a lot if you do this) you should drop the bomb. Something like: "I've decided we shouldn't speak with each other anymore. I've told you many times that I love you and all I get is dead air. It saddens me, so I think we should move on so we can each be happy in our own direction. I hope you understand. Maybe one day we'll meet again."

If she tries to argue and shoot you down, tell her you've made up your mind anyway and you still feel you both should break it off, if only for the sake of being happy. It may hurt at first to not speak to each other anymore, but sometimes you've just got to turn around, walk away, and not look back. It's sad, but to get to heaven sometimes you've got to battle through hell.

That's how I'd end it. But that's just me. You could probably come up with a better way to end it.

But like I asked, how do you want to end it?