Little Brother selection

[Quintaros]

Recently, I decided that I wanted volunteer as a Big Brother (not sure if Big Brothers/Big Sisters is an international organization but for anyone who doesn't know they pair an adult with a child of the same sex who is looking for an adult friend/role model).

The screening process is pretty rigorous to make sure the children are going into safe/responsible hands so it's been about 2 months since I started the process and I only received acceptance today.    Anyway, now that I've been accepted it's my turn to look at the case files for the potential Little Brother's to find one that I think I'd be best matched with.

There were four files to look at for kids ranging from 7 to 13.  Most of them had some male figure in their life in terms of a step dad or mother's boyfriend, but for whatever reason they were not close to these men. 

Anyway, I'm kind of drawn to the extremes.  The 7-year-old sounds like a pretty fun little guy with a sense of humour that reminds me of myself at that age.  He's on Zoloft because he's prone to depression and has also been in a few fights at school but he's outgoing and has friends and generally seems well adjusted.  One thing that comes up often in his file is that he wants a Big Brother who is cool.  I can relate to that thinking back upon my childhood relationship with my older brother. 

Then there's an 11-year old who sounds very troubled.  His mother has been living with his step-dad since he was 5 months old and yet there is no relationship there.  There is a half sister whom the step-dad shows clear favourtism towards because she's his biological child.  This is compounded by an incident that happened between the boy and sister several years ago involving some kind of sexual exploration that wasn't explicitly disclosed to me.   The boy was 8 while his sister was only 3 so clearly he was the instigator of the incident but it was the parents who left pornographic materials where they could be found to initiate his curiousity.   Three years later the parents are still afraid to leave the children alone together.  I'm not sure it should be that huge a thing as I can recall being sexually curious as a child.  I think it's the parents fault for being delignquent with addressing the topic earlier and leaving materials that would trigger his curiosity.  Anyway, this boy has virtually no relationship with anyone in his family other than his grandparents.  He can't confide in anyone and it sounds as though he doesn't have a very good go with other kids either.  Listening to his story I think that he is somebody who needs an understanding figure in his life.  I just don't know if I'm the guy.

I think there's more potential to help the 11 year old because his need is greater but I think it will be more stressful and maybe a bit of a lost cause.  The other seems fun and simple but perhaps a little unrequired.  What do people think? 

[Ghost]

First and foremost, I tip my hat. I like the Big Brother idea and have some bone-level respect for everyone who's willing to become one.

Now, you've presented two cases and have, in a way, already formed an opinion that will bias your choice. One needs more help, one is more "fun". I think you might now pick the first one, on the base that you will do a better deed.
Now, I'm not a Big Brother but work at a school for blind and multiple disabled teenagers. One approach here is to give some of them a personal, let's call it caretaker, and you'd be surprised how actively these kids can show you if they're happy with a choice based on facts and competence. So I have some insight into what may come to you, and will give one advice:
Pick the one who can relate better to you. What use are you to the fun-loving one if he can't stand you, or is disappointed you're not up to his expectations? And what help are you to the other kid if it can't relate to you?
People who are in need will often make strange choices. If possible- I'm not familiar with the BB in practise- try to spent a day, better some days with each of them, and ask them what they think about you, and how they like you. It's you who'll be sort of a role model for them, and so it should be their decision.

[Tuomas]

I think, if a 7-year-old is on Zoloft and prone to depression, he's clearly very screwed up somehow. If he's been to fights at school as well. I think all this is quite much from a 7-year-old considering my own brother is 7 right now. However, I can't remember myself having a real sense of humour at that age since most things I talked about were the teenage mutant ninja turtles, and basically when playing with them or as one of them.

The big brother idea sounds nice, if you're really up to it. Most people wouldn't be, as it is completely different to sending money and shoes to an African kid

[BOYD1981]

I think there's more potential to help the 11 year old because his need is greater but I think it will be more stressful and maybe a bit of a lost cause.  The other seems fun and simple but perhaps a little unrequired.  What do people think? 

i think that with an attitude like that this isn't really a decision you should be making, from that statement alone it seems like you want more to have fun and an easy time than to actually help the kid.

[Evil]

You have my respect too. Waiting all that time, offering to do this.

All I can say, is that if he turns out hating you (not YOU, but the idea perhaps), the older childing seems like he would have more problems than the younger one. Just being a fun guy to hangout with is more helpful than actually trying to help solve their problems. They're kids. They haven't even hit puberty yet. They just want to play skeeball and eat pizza.

[Quintaros]

I think there's more potential to help the 11 year old because his need is greater but I think it will be more stressful and maybe a bit of a lost cause.  The other seems fun and simple but perhaps a little unrequired.  What do people think? 

i think that with an attitude like that this isn't really a decision you should be making, from that statement alone it seems like you want more to have fun and an easy time than to actually help the kid.

Therefore I should not be volunteering at all because my motives are all wrong?

The caseworker didn't seem to think there was anything unusual about my uncertainty.  If anything I felt she was trying to influence me toward the "easier" of the two cases and kept reminding me that although a BB could be a positive influence he wasn't going to save the world. 

[Ghost]

I can't see where your motives should be wrong. After all, it will be your first assignment, and you're just trying to make a decision. It's a sensitive case though, one where words can easily be mistaken. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit hesitant and maybe insecure.

By all means do this; if nothing, it will show you if you're up to it. Have you made up your mind about who to "adopt"?

[Tuomas]

And even, if it makes you happy as well, it's more than ok, that's part of the point right? I mean, you get a little brother too. I don't see that as a bad motive, trying to cheer yourself up with them. If one enjoys, most often the other one does too.