What constitutes cheating?

[Quintaros]

Scenario 1:  You are at a club with a group of friends.  Your boyfriend isn't with you so you dance with some other guys.  One of the guys is obviously attracted to you but instead of letting him know you're unavailable you continue to be funny and warm toward him.  Eventually, he kisses you and you go along with it for a moment.  Later in the week he phones you and you let him know that you're attached and apologize for misleading him.  You never tell your boyfriend of the incident.

Scenario 2:  You have a crush on a co-worker but you tell your boyfriend about it right away.  He's secure enough in the relationship to trust you and doesn't protest when you start socializing with this co-worker outside of the workplace.  The conversations with this co-worker grow increasingly sexual but are never physically manifested.   You disclose everything to your boyfriend and he does not respond with any jealousy.  This continues indefinitely.

Do either/both of these situations demonstrate unfaithfulness?  Is one worse than the other?

[ManicMatt]

In the second scenario, I can't imagine there are many guys who would be totally fine with it. I know I wouldn't. I'd freak out if my girlfriend told me she has a crush on someone. I don't know whether I'd call the man in the second scenario a great man or a liar.

The first scenario.. why would the girl "go along with it"? That seems wrong. And how did this guy phone her? She must have given him her phone number.

What is this all about anyway?

[Ciro Durán]

Duh... Everyone knows ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A is clearly cheating!!!

Sorry, I had to :-)

Seriously, there are grey borders is all the cheating issue. Situation 1 is more common than you think. Situation 2 depends a lot on the attitudes of both. There are relations where the sexual innuendos are frequent but only for joking. I think it's also a country culture issue.

[Darth Mandarb]

Scenario 1 - she didn't pull away the instant his lips touched hers and "went along with it a moment" and then gave him her phone number?  That's cheating.

Scenario 2 - if it truely never manifests physically ... it's not cheating.  However, I would wonder about how strong my relationship was if the woman I'm seeing is getting crushes on other men and then starts seeing them (physical or not aside) outside of the office.

While 2 isn't, technically, cheating both scenarios are wrong in my opinion and might indicate the relationship isn't too strong.

[voh]

Scenario one is cheating. Period. Scenario two is mentally cheating, which is even worse, in my opinion.

In scenario one it's just a one-night "he's giving me attention" kind of thing. There's no emotional bond between the two and she never intended to have one. I'd kick her out, because a good relationship means there's no need for such intimacy from others.

In scenario two there's no physical intimacy, but she actively LIKES the guy. This implies that there is room in her mind for love for another, which is much worse than any physical transgression if you ask me. The fact that she's able to crush on another guy while dating me would imply that she's not happy with me and is subconsciously open to another. I'd kick her out, because a good relationship doesn't leave room for others when it comes to romantic love.

Both scenarios are cheating. One is physical, the other mental.

[Pesty]

Scenario one is cheating. Period. Scenario two is mentally cheating, which is even worse, in my opinion.

In scenario one it's just a one-night "he's giving me attention" kind of thing. There's no emotional bond between the two and she never intended to have one. I'd kick her out, because a good relationship means there's no need for such intimacy from others.

In scenario two there's no physical intimacy, but she actively LIKES the guy. This implies that there is room in her mind for love for another, which is much worse than any physical transgression if you ask me. The fact that she's able to crush on another guy while dating me would imply that she's not happy with me and is subconsciously open to another. I'd kick her out, because a good relationship doesn't leave room for others when it comes to romantic love.

Both scenarios are cheating. One is physical, the other mental.

I agree the first one is cheating. To allow herself to kiss the other man and give her phone number to him, then hide it from her partner, is a very unhealthy act even if she cuts it off and never speaks to the guy again. The fact that she was willing to kiss him and give him her number means she's not committed to the relationship mentally, and it probably won't be the last time she would do something like this.

But I would argue about the second one being cheating. Liking someone and having a crush on someone that isn't your partner is a natural, normal thing and doesn't instantly mean she's looking for another partner. Everybody in a committed relationship does this on some level, whether it's by thinking Angelina Jolie is hot or having a subscription to Playboy or, like the girl in the scenario, having a crush on someone. It's the way you react to that sort of situation that constitutes cheating or not. To expect your partner to think only of you 24/7 is unrealistic and unfair, and can ruin a relationship. I think in scenario 2, the fact that the girl is open about her crush with her partner and hides nothing is the best way to react to the situation. So long as she never even considers cheating and sees it as just a crush, then I think it's a perfectly healthy, normal thing.

[m0ds]

Well I don't have any useful advice but Darren in a teh tricky situation! The way I see it is that 1 would be acceptable for me. I can understand. Theyre a woman and men are generally beasts, especially in clubs, so of course they will try it & of course she will be lost in the moment. So would I if women were so fruitful in a guy's world.

How physical you can allow your girl to get with other guys is a matter of taste. I'm fairly open minded. I don't give a shit. I prefer to know shes loving me truly, and only me, and that anything else is just fun & experience. But to some people it can be devestating.

Personally I think it's great that she was honest about the fact she's devoted to someone and that what happened was probably a mistake. Sure, so she should be apologising prefously but that just isn't necessary these days. An action through a thought is not so consequential as it was anytime before now. 300 years ago and a woman would probably get hung for eyeing up another guy. In this day and age though we accept, generally, that women are going to have tremendous luck with guys and especially in clubs where they, and well even the guys, are just drunk bastards on show. ITS A CLUB. :p

The second one would worry me. It's not a momentary fling. It's something thought through. She knows she has a crush on someone else & she's telling you. Telling you is a very good thing because for you to know is the RIGHT thing. But telling you could also be a fucking DANGEROUSLY BAD thing. It could be that she WANTS you to know because she doesn't want you hurt, and the earlier she tells you the MORE she expects herself to go with that other guy. So she can come back to you and say you knew for a long time, and that that gave you time to realise this is what COULD be happening. If that makes sense? Bit mashed. :p

I don't really want to go into the sexual thing cos I've just realised if you're suffering the second scenario....AH. Gah. I'm not gonna bullshit you dude, it just ain't good. She's already seeking something else. And that just baaad. When women wanna think they think. When they wanna do they do. And the rest of us get left behind.

SO, I hope you're suffering scenario #1 :p

[Tuomas]

Scenario one... well, my initial thoughts are like... Well, last time we were at a club some guy came talking to my gf at the counter and wanted to offer her a drink. Some other guy came asking her to dance when we were talking privately, but that happens a lot. People get drunk. I would, before this find myself around non-single women before their guys came to pull them away. You'd be surprused to know how often this happens among drunken people. I wouldn't like it, but if the guy was someone I knew and/or just plain handsome, i'd most probably have no problem with it, well, perhaps a bit. Then the phone number thing. assuming she gave it to him, I'd be really surprised. But usually, what I've heard, even my sister still gest calls from people who get her nnumber by knowing her name. She's living with her bf though, and she's not one to give out that number. You can just search for it from the operator so easily. I'd be ok with that.

Scenario two... I wouldn't mind. I don't see what's there to mind actually, unless the crush exceeds what she feels for me. I would though like to meet this guy, or get to know him at least a bit, just to get something new out of my gf. But I wouldn't say it was cheating.

The first one is obviously cheating in the physical sense of the word, but it's so subtle I'd let it pass. Second one isn't even that.

[InCreator]

Scenario one is cheating. Period. Scenario two is mentally cheating, which is even worse, in my opinion.

I totally second that.

If I was boyfriend in either of situation, I'd consider quick and bloody breakup.

If a girl needs to kiss someone other OR spend time with mentioned co-worker to be happy, she's not happy with me. Atleast, not enough. So - bye.

Physical contact is immediate act of treachery, which is atleast fair and concrete. In second scenario, I wonder how girl could look into boyfriends eyes and tell him she loves her. While she admires someone else and her boyfriend isn't the only person she wants to spend her life with. There's guilt and faking written all over it and I wouldn't respect person who could take this as normal relationship or life. Does she even respect herself? If yes, how could she?

Commitment is holy. There's no place for lies in this. Not even lying to yourself.

I don't give a f**k about political correctness in this, i.e - "we didn't do anything". If you dream about being with someone else or need to be, don't slam the door on your way out.

Yes, I am quite jealous type. But I'm also loyal as hell and expect same.

[Disco]

*sigh* You people and your need to couple. I just don't understand 

[Sam.]

People in this forum are uptight, in my opinion neither scenario is cheating. I guess I wouldn't be happy but kissing is no huge deal.

If I'm choosing a worse scenario, the second one by far, it shows an actual want for something outside the relationship.

[mouthuvmine]

I don't know if "uptight" is a really fair word. Granted, number one seems to be considered largely the worst. All the same, I do not kiss other girls. I know if I kissed another girl, and my girl friend were ever to find out, it would really hurt her. I, therefore, want the same respect. If it's becoming impossible to use your brain in the club, leave the club, sweetheart. Or get off the X. Whichever.

I think scenario 2 is more understandable, but would hurt more too. Everyone has a crush of some sort. I think said girl should know you well enough to be a good judge on wether or not telling you about a crush is wise. At least she cares enough to be honest with you. Even if it's a bad idea, she at least WANTS to keep things level with you.

[paolo]

Duh, I started reading this and got halfway through the first paragraph before I released why I wasn't seeing "using a walkthrough" or "trying Ctrl-X to see if the person who made the game forgot to disable teleporting to another room"

[Quintaros]

I appreciate everyone's responses and I think I've gained some insight from them.  It turns out that my default opinions on the described scenarios are in the minority. 

I was the cheating girlfriend in scenario 1 and thought that although my initial behaviour had been bad I had set it right sufficiently enough to avoid the label of "unfaithful".  The whole scenario really doesn't agree with my self-image so it's difficult to reconcile that I did indeed cheat.  Now that I accept that I think it will influence my future behaviour for the better.

I had been the boyfriend in scenario 2.  I also didn't consider it cheating at the time because my girlfriend was so open about it.  I did think that it was a bit unhealthy that I was so apathetic about it.  It really was a symptom of a problematic relationship.

Anyway both of these things are well in the past of a relationship that has been over for some time.  There isn't any real actions I can take based on people's responses but they have helped me gain some closure and course correct my morale compass.