Firstly, well, yeah, I'm back. This content of this thread has nothing to do with that.
Let's just say I found it pointless to avoid the forums completely. I will come back here more regularly, but certainly not more than a couple of times a week.
I wrote this today because I came to most of the conclusion today, and I wanted to write it down before I start forgetting things.
My message turned out awfully lengthy, so I uploaded it to a doc-file that you can read here:
http://www.esseb.com/andail/happiness.doc
Don't read it if you're in a hurry :)
I think it's material for a good discussion. It's also pretty private and quite emotional, so if you don't want to revel in my mental hard-core at this late hour, spare it for tomorrow or just write a "welcome back" post.
Or make a joke about how short time I manage to stay away from the forums. I'll be the first to laugh :)
I went through a stage of depression due to an emptiness within me.
Nothing made me happy and I felt all the same things: I 'hated' people and their 'false smiles'.
I felt so depressed even to the point of contemplating suicide (Yep, Dada: SIB is starting to make more and more sense to me now).
Then one day, I thought "Fuck it."
So, I did a number of things that were unusual for me:
1. I started going to bed and waking up at a normal time -- I read on in an article on creative writing that this particular author bought one of those automatic coffee machines (with some good coffee) and woke up early in the morning to write amidst the calm. It's a great period for relection and I'm trying to get that way myself.
2. I phoned people -- Not friends, but random people. I study journalism, and my soon-to-be job will require me to phone peope. However, I'm shitscard of rejection. Then one day, I just decided I was going to call random people out of the phonebook and tell them I have a fear of talking to people and that i'm trying to get over such a fear. Most people I called were quite obliging to my experiment. However, this one guy stood out. He was this ex-publisher and we talked for 20 mins. We talked about fears, about writing, and about famous novelists. At the end of the conversation, he said I could call back at any time. And I felt good about talking to people on the phone. My mobile phone battery died a while ago and I didn't want to replace it because I hated my phone. But now I've bought a new battery and see it as not a hinderance, but a chance for new possibilities.
3. I got the guts to make mistakes -- At Uni, everyone is obsessed with "getting it right". Now, I'm more focused on making mistakes (Hmm, that sounds like a good topic for an adventure game thread :) ). Yes, I will make over a thousand mistakes so I can adapt to a thousand situations. Each mistake teaches me something. They are not punishments. They are oportunities (Excuse me if this sounds like part of a Help-Self book/Anthony Robbins tape, but it's true). I don't care if I'm marked down and get a 'C' grade. I want a 'C' grade. I pity the fools who get 'A+' all the time. When the times comes when they're in a new situations, they won't know what to do because they've been focused upon perfection and not adaptation. They fly with their head and arse up in the air, while my 'C' grade slowly brings me down to earth. And I feel all the more human because of it.
4. I found out reality wasn't such a bad thing -- Reality sucks, yes. It's true. But not always. However, to gripe about it and retreat into a world where things should make sense only stagnates a person. And therefore, I didn't develop. But now I'm ready to face the cold, harsh, anvil-on-the-head truth. It hurts, yes, but once I face it without backing down, I feel more so better. Once again, I've adapted without supression.
5. I learnt how to deal with my own emotional responses -- Okay, now the touchy-feely stuff. Emotions. I learnt that you can't get too in-touch with your emotions (Wow man, I'm so into my emotions, man, like wow I can cry and stuff), because they start to take control of you. On the other hand, you can't suppress them because they affect you without you even realising it. But Ireaqd in this book about creativity (which, from my perspective, the book has little do with the creative process, and more to do with handling ourselves in that respect) and one of the things I read was that people should realise they are not their emotions, just the same as they are not their possessions. Yes, you can feel your emotional responses, but you can't become them. The phrase they used that I liked was "People need to take a step back from their emotions so they can see the whole portrait". Yes, I feel pain, and I admit it's there. But it's only pain. No need to become a painful person because of it. I just tell some one I'm feeling bad. Or if I'm angry, I don't start with a barage of bad language against everyone I hate. Instead, if someone makes me angry I just state "You're making me angry" and explain why. Sheer honesty. No bullshit.
6. I got organised -- I cleaned my room and got everything filed for Uni (Though, I still have to tackle the last four years-worth of tax returns :) )
7. I resolved to get out there and meet people -- Just anybody. And have fun.
Shit, I don't have cancer and I manage to eat healthily.
My family, despite their faults, are fine.
Not only that, my girlfriend, despite her obsessive traits, is still beautiful in everyway I can see.
And people may still have those 'false smiles', but I'm going to face them and show myself that I don't have to lie to myself.
I don't have to be like them.
I am, flawed, like everyone on this Earth, and I'm cool with that.
But I'm now not afraid of my flaws -- I embrace them.
Hopefully, one day I'll get better because I can objectively look at myself, see the parts that hinder me and face up to them.
One day, I'll be a strong person.
I didn't write this as a lecture or sermon to Andail or anyone else.
I wrote it because it seemed on-topic, and in a way I needed to evaluate my perception upon my depression -- In a way, kinda the same thing Andail did: write it all down.
Anyway, I'll end here as the post is long enough and I feel like a cup of tea! :)
That was a great post DG.
I've also been going through a rough year of depression, and only recently I decided to get the fuck up and do something about it.
I'm working two jobs now. It sucks. I hate working 13-14 hours a day, plus weekends, but I need it. The extra work I'm doing will lead to something bigger in the long run. Annoyance now, payoff later.
I'm also taking a new apartment in January. Can I afford it? Barely. But you know what? Moving back in with my parents has been too hard on me, not because of them, but because it's made me feel useless. That may not make sense, but it's how I feel.
The point is, no one is going to help you out of a depression. You have to take stock of your situation and figure out what you need to do to get out of it, and then DO IT.
QuoteThat was a great post DG.
Thank you, but I hope it hasn't overshadowed Andail's post.
His message was very insightful.
No no, you just struck a chord with me, that's all.
Something that interests me, re-reading Andail's doc, is people's reactions to the outside world as a result of their depression.
I've always been the type who thinks of the effect my actions will have on others. I weigh the consequences of everything I do, sometimes overly so. People have told me.
Now, where Andail speaks about his friend and sister becoming overly sensitive to outside forces, I found myself becoming more and more bitter and indifferent. I really stopped caring about anyone else around me. The worst thing is that I felt even more terrible because of it. Other people's opinions became unimportant to me. I avoided meeting new people as a rule. I was like that bitter old man that the neighborhood kids run away from.
It's strange that our complete outlook on life can be totally disrupted and flipped around like that.
Welcome Back Andail
I think at some point in our lives we all suffer from a period of severe depression. Even me, who has absolutely nothing to complain about, has been depressed over (believe it or not) not having an interesting life.
Then I looked weed right in the face, I had friends who had these interesting lives that my depression craved, they had girlfriends, they had social interaction, they had sex, drugs and rock and roll. Then... as I said, I was looking weed right in the face.
I can't remember one point in my life where I wasn't happy after looking at weed and saying no. My marks never got better, my parents never got less controlling or overbearing, my siblings never changed, everything was as it was.
except I was content.
It's lasted, these days I don't care what challenge I'm looking at, I'm just content, without a worry in the world
Glad to see you´re back Petter, really glad.
I´ve read carefully your essay about happiness. It is clear that there is people who has more tendence to be happier or unhappier than others, maybe it is a matter of the life they´re living, but I´m not sure...
There are people living lifes supposed to be perfect who can´t reach happiness, not only the total happiness (which I think it is impossible to get, but also an average hapiness standart) Why? I could give you metaphysic explanations about that, but I must admit that I think that the real explanation is so much simple... hormones.
It is proved that depression is a physiologic matter. It doesn´t matter how well things are going, you loose your "filters" and everything pains... no matter how happy person you are, when that hormones go bad, the depression is there. That´s why so many depressions are treated with prozac and all that stuff, that mustn´t be ashaming... that hormonal matters will come each 3 or 4 years, no problem, take your medicine and you´ll recover.
But there is another way.
I won´t tell here a Peter Pan´s tale... I love that Louis Armstrong song, what a wanderfull world, but things are not like that... but even in this non-prefect world you can deal with depression.
You may think... Ok, Farlander, it is very easy for you to tell that, you´re in the "top" now... It doesn´t help people being in the "top" to tell people on the "hole" how beautifull life is.
Ok.. let me tell you something... I was very close to get really down during the first days of Mittens, did you notice it? There was a terrorist strike in my town a week before the trip... I felt insecure about leaving my friends and relatives here, facing the "danger"... But as I told Chrille in one post, I was not going to give the terrorists the satisfaction of spoiling my journey. But the first step for removing my filters was gave...
The morning of the day of my flight to Stanstead a friend of mine died in a bicycle crash.
He was not a very close friend of mine (if not I wouldn´t went Mittens, of course...) but I met him every sunday and rode my bike with him for 4 or 5 hours. He was also a very shy person very quiet, very young. He also practised jogging with his wife... They runned together, they were working together, they lived the one for the other. It was really a pitty.
And I saw the body, the terrible wound in the head and the blood. I started a suicidal descent to call the ambulance, but my cellular got range 12 kilometers after the crash, allmost 20 minutes later... It was too late. two hours before my flight I received the terrible news by a phonecall... It was not till the next weekend (after mittens) that I was informed that the wounds were too serious for a possible salvation, my "slow" descent had nothing to see with the fatal consecuences... a little relief, I must say.
I was at the airport deciding what to do... I decided to go Mittens. I needed it. It was the first thing I told M0ds "Hey guy, don´t expect me to be the most friendly guy in the world, I am shocked because of..."
He was very kind and he behaved perfectly... buying me games at the arcade, a little step in the road of "recovering" from my shock. Thanks m0ds.
I decided not to tell anybody else about the accident. I didn´t want to spoil nobody´s party. I had to recover by myself.
And it worked! I spend a beautiful week in Sweden, trying to understand the terrible accent of the Brits, enjoying chatting with Helm and Goldmund, my baths in the sea with Petter, enjoying the nice jams of 2ma2 and Vargtass... Mittens was for me like a cure treaty. Thank you guys.
Next sunday me and many friend went to the place of the accident to make a final memorial. It was nice, It was the closing of the circle of those terrible times which were fuc*ng close to take me to a serious depression. I managed to take the good things of that week to "survive".
You can´t change your feelings... It is impossible, you can´t be crying and say "Hey, ok, now I´m going to laugh!"
But you can manage to make little steps. Talk to friends, demand help, write, paint, play the guitar...
It will take time, but as the Chinese people say "This... will also happen", nothing lasts forever. You´re going in the good direction, sharing, talking... Depression is unavoidable, to make it last or not isn´t.
That´s all... I suppose it won´t help because it seems more of the typical "cheer up", but nope. I am saying that you have the power to manage to make it "less worse" not that the human body has a metaphysic power to deal with all the problems without suffering.
Sorry my poor English, it is maybe my very first attempt to write something serious in English in ages.
Hope it helps!
Your friend, Nacho Ayala "Farlander".
Edit: P.S. The Url were a final memorial is being made to my lost friend, Jose Alberto Sánchez... Rest in peace.
http://www.ucbclub.org
This might be the most insightful (though somewhat depressing) post I've read on these boards.
I read your .doc file. I think depression is a serious problem in the world today. I hope your friend's recovery continues and that your sister has the same success. I've dealt with depression with several people and I know it's certainly not a good thing.
I came to the realization a few years ago that kids who grew up without problems (family or otherwise) are the exception to the rule. I used to think the opposite. That I, with all the shit I went through, was the odd-ball. Now I've come to know that everybody, it would seem, goes through shit like that!
Old TV shows like Leave it to Beaver were bullshit! That perfect family shit doesn't exist. I think it's how you come through it all that testifies to the person you are/will be.
I went through years of depression and self doubt because of family problems. I think, in the long run, it made me a better/stronger person. Perhaps a bit opinionated (as I'm sure Andail wouldn't disagree!) :)
But anyway ... I think the best way to conquer the shitty ass world we live in is to take it head on. Give it a big "Fuck you!" I'm not going to let the shit that is this world get me down. I struggle daily to find something to look up/forward to. I look forward to waking up everyday because I find something worth waking up to.
Oh, and welcome back Andail! I don't think any of us thought you'd stay away too long! Once you're in, there's no getting out :)
dm
Welcome back Andail.
I have suffered a slight depression during the summer holiday for a different reason. I did very little productive. A lot of my time was wasted on just computer, television or just lying around. Now don't get me wrong - I did go out fairly a lot. I met my friends and we hanged out. And yet, I still wasn't really happy.
I found out that when I do something productive, in my eyes, such as studying, working on a game or just spending good time with my friends for maby hours, I may be tired but I am happy I spent the day well.
But when I look back at a day and see that I finish it where I started it I get depressed.
What, of course, brings me back to Helm's post about happiness in creation. And after I do my SAT, I am going to do just that.
ANDAIL HAD LEFT!!!!!!?!??!?!?!????
I didn't know you'd gone (I'm rather dense really) and if I HAD known, I'd have kicked up a fuss and told people to send supportive and needy e-mails to get you to come back! I haven't read the threateningly long .doc file, because I'm too dense to really get anything from it (I bet it's all clever and shit) so I can't comment on it. WELCOME BACK ANDAIL!!! WE NEED YOU TO PROTECT US FROM M0DS!
Ok, Mostly, I promise to tell you personally before I leave next time.
The rest of you, thanks for sharing your life stories...I enjoyed reading them
I feel that by your reply you've kind of closed the topic, but I just wanted to say one more thing.
I won't go rambling about my perspective on the world and my place in it, I just wanted to say that you're one of the most thoughtfull kind and admirable (did I wright that correct?) individuals of this community, your integrity, wisdom, kindness and open minded mind :P will allways inspirate me to try my best to be a bit more like you.
I read your .doc and overall you're right, though I believe people help eachother, you CAN help some one if you yourself aren't 'healed' yet, as a matter of fact, helping others helps me help myself.
take care Andail
Wow Andail.
It's not like I know you or anything, and I'm not quite sure how to put this into words. But, well, just when I think I've got problems I read about someone like your friend, and how you managed to help him, and suddenly I feel very humble.
Your sunny (if cynical) outlook is something I think I share in a small way with you. It's a great gift that you have.
Also, DG, your post struck a chord in me. This will probably sound really selfish, but it's good to see someone who has gone through the same (sometimes painful) thought processes as me and arrived at most of the same conclusions.
I'm sorry if that seemed a little gushy; I've had a shitty two days.
Fruittree, don't worry, a thread like this one never really "closes". As long as somebody got something to say, it's open.
Eventually, all people have said something. It's not the case of giving answers; people don't need to find out quick and witty DrPhil solutions here, we just share our stories and we listen.
Like Helm said, we're not professional therapists, our advice could just as well hurt the one in trouble. Advice is so often superfluous.
It's all about increasing understanding. Let's say that hypothetically, I considered Farlander a dull and reserved guy (needless to say, I don't) during mittens. His story above would immediately give a good explanation to that.
I think I personally needed to write my first story; it made me prepared for all the other things I have to do now. The school starts, I'm a mentor for the foreign students and also for new teacher students, and I have to be social and cheerful all the time and talk to them and make them feel welcome and all that. I'd never be able to do that with too much on my mind.
So when you write here, you don't need to say that you're fat and have no friends, or that you got abused by that and that person, just give us a story. It's your own therapy, you decide the rules.
writing,
it helps because you can stop thinking and look at the whole picture, you can take a step back even be some one else and look at yourself.
I'll finish my story tomorrow, sorry I'm just not feeling up to it now.
Farlander... man... you were so brave to come to Mittens anyway, and I don't think any of us realised what you'd just been through, which is a testiment to how well you handled it. I'm really sorry to hear what happened.
Thanks Chris... You (plural) not only helped me to pass that week, when my emotional "filters" were being removed, but also you made it a week that I´ll never forget in my life. I really REALLY enjoyed it. ;)