Well, last night I thoguht of a terrible bilingual pun, my second Spanish pun:
Pitta Pan, the bread that never grew up... (pan is Spanish for bread, btw)
I loved it, almost as good as the classic:
Inafamy, Infamy, they've all got it in for me (from Carry on Caesar or something...)
or from a Dilbert cartoon:
My uncle, the marine biologist, never got on well socially, but with Anenomes like that, who needs friends?
So, what are YOUR favourite terrible puns?
Pun is a short joke? The one I allways say it's: Two are walking and the one in the middle falls...
Man... how funny I am...
I got more screws lose then an Ikea chair.
I really love the bootcamp seargent from Full Metal Jacket:
"You're so ugly, you could be a modern artpiece!"
"Where are you from, soldier!"
"Sur, Texas, sur!"
"There are only seers and queers comming from Texas. And you don't look like no steer to me. That pritty much narrows it down."
"How tall are you soldier!?"
"Sur, 5'7, sur!"
"Goddamnit, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!"
I have a feeling those aren't puns. A pun is a play on words. Like...Like..what SSH said.
Dang... I can't think of a pun. Oh wait!! I got one! How did the jokester storyteller start?
Once a pun a time.
Ouch....that hurt. I don't think I have a favourite pun.
Following the prisoner abuse scandal I was a little disappointed to discover that my excellent "Iraqi Horror Picture Show" remark had already been thought up independently by several hundred other people. Oh well, I guess I should've known better then to dip my toe into the shark-laden waters of the pun industry.
Sorry, I thought puns were punch lines. I learned someting today!
So, "What do you call a fish that can tune a piano? A tunafish," is a pun.
Or "Life sucks and then Jedi."
I had a friend called Dunlop who asked me to turn his name into a pun. I cut of the second half and told him it was Dun.
Two lepers are playing cards. One throws his hand in, and the other laughs his head off.
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.
He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"
But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
^^^ Win!
Just to clarify, a pun is a play on words... taking advatage of hompohnes, etc. See http://www.worldsapartreview.com/words.htm or look it up in an online dictionary, you lazy gits...
FOr example: Xenaphobia is the fear of greek warrior princesses
Or like the one Bill Hicks did about his favourite topic; the Kennedy asassination:
"There were reports of anti-Castro pigeons drinking in a bar the night before. Someone overheard the saying "Coo! Coo!""
You were close though, all you have to do is add "ch line" to your topic and it makes sense ^_^
I saw a peanut stand, heard a rubber band,
I saw a needle that winked its eye.
But I think I will have seen everything
When I see an elephant fly.
I saw a front porch swing, heard a diamond ring,
I saw a polka-dot railroad tie.
But I think I will have seen everything
when I see an elephant fly.
I seen a clothes horse, he r'ar up and buck
And they tell me that a man made a vegetable truck
I didn't see that, I only heard
But just to be sociable I'll take your word
I heard a fireside chat, I saw a baseball bat
And I just laughed till I thought I'd die
But I'd be done see'n about everything
when I see an elephant fly.
I love that song.
Star Wars: the Fandom Menace.
Mind over matador!
Attila the Bun/Nun.
Recistance is Fertile
Puns are truly the lowest form of humor...which is probably why I enjoy the thoroughly.
I don't really have any favourites, I just use em when I can, and even sometimes, when I can't.
Speaking of Lepers...another joke
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip!
Here's some classsics:
Two men walked into a bar...OUCH!
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face."
Chilli today Hot Tamali
A Longer one: A short midget knight is riding a St. Bernard. It's late at night, and before he knows it, rain begins to poor down. Looking for shelter, he comes up to the first house he sees, and knocks on the door. An old man steps out, and the knight asks if he wouldn't mind housing him until the rain stopped. The old man replied, "I wouldn't refuse a Knight on a dog like this!"
Two Peanuts were crossing the street, one was assaulted
Ahhh...puns are great.
-MillsJROSS
I Shakespeare's day, puns were considered the highest form of humor. Of course, Shakespeare died 400 years ago...
Anyway, all these puns make it seem like it's the end of the world, and Armageddon tired of all the silliness.
HoN
(P.S. Credit where it's due, this pun courtesy of Spider Robinson.)
If there's any kind of piracy I don't like, it's a CONS-piracy!
Well, okay. I know this one..and it is pretty funny...
Okay, a mollusk walks up to this sea cucumber, well he doesn't actually walk, he's just there, and he turns to the sea cucumber, and... Well, wait, there's a mollusk and a sea cucumber and...or maybe it was some sort of shell fish.....well anyway, and then he says somthing really funny and the sea cucumber says "Plankton! I don't need no stinkin' plankton!"
I'm suprised at how many of these jokes aren't really puns!
You should be pun-ished for those puny pun-chlines.
Come to think of it, I should be the one punished for the cheezy puns above.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler
Two, of course, but the tricky part is getting them in there.
Quote from: HeirOfNorton on Mon 07/02/2005 18:42:45
I Shakespeare's day, puns were considered the highest form of humor. Of course, Shakespeare died 400 years ago...
Anyway, all these puns make it seem like it's the end of the world, and Armageddon tired of all the silliness.
HoN
(P.S. Credit where it's due, this pun courtesy of Spider Robinson.)
Emperor Norton avatar AND a Spider Robinson reference? You win the prize for 'Most Awesome Everything Ever'.
As much as I would love to join in on the puns, it's late. I'll tell some jokes tomorrow.
Here's one of my favourite emo jokes from my anti-emo friends:
Q. How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Spoiler
None; they just sit in the dark and cry about it.
Yes, that pun was real PUNishment. Get it? Har har... har. -_-
Supercolider?! I just met her!
[thankyou futurama]
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Okay, this is my fave, and I STILL can't believe it was on the Muppet Show (new version, but still...). It was told by that Mexican sounding guy, so say it with that sort of an accent for extra effect:
"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Eleph-I-NO!"
[Hell if I know.]
It made me wonder if the Muppets actually had censors breathing down their felt-covered necks or not.
Some punny ones so far, though. And as far as whether or not they're a high or low form of humour, you'd be surprised how long it takes for people to grow into an age when they start to appreciate and understand puns and what makes them funny. I still have some grade 6 students looking at me blankly with "I don't get it" written all over their face when I test 'em. It's cool to see their little brain hamsters a-runnin' while they sit there slack-jawed.
erm... ones i heard recently, cant think of a really bad one though
A man started work at an explosives factory, but he soon got fired.
The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.
My potato gun was confiscated by the United Nations.
They said I wasn't allowed to have weapons of mash destruction.
A couple went to a pet shop and ended up buying a lion (as you do). The shop owner had told them that unfortunately the lion had an odd allergy to wet weather and that raindrops would actually hurt it.
One day the lion was outside when the couple heard cries form the garden. "What's that noise?" asked the man. "It's the lion", his wife replied, "it's roaring with pain."