When to break up

[Etcher Squared Games]

For a post like this, part of me wishes I'd post more stuff around here so that all of you could know me better.Ã,  I read many posts, I just don't always have things to say about current topics.Ã,  So, I apologize for bringing up what may be a tough subject without many of you having much background on me.....

[and I apologize for any bad spelling/grammar for I am typing fast]

Unfortunatly my relationship has gotten to a point that thoughts of break up have been lingering in my head.Ã,  I've chatted with many trusted friends and I've gotten a rather 50/50 outlook on things.

I'll sumarize the 2 most important feedbacks I've gotten so far.

1. (From a female friend of mine I consider a sister)
You need to do what you feel is best.Ã,  It's of my opinion that you will KNOW when you are with someone you are meant to be with any lengths.
She asks me several questions of how I'm feeling about things right now, and the majority of them are "I'm feeling neutral with a trend downward"

2. (from a male coworker)
Man, you don't want to do that.Ã,  You'll be fine after a week, but on around week 4 you'll be crying, you'll be horny and wishing you had someone back.


#1 I trust more because she is more sensible in her logic.
#2 Is a male who got divorced last year who went through what he mentioned.Ã,  But is now glad he is divorced.

I'm already realizing that so far it sounds like I'm favoring break up, but that's not my intent.Ã,  I'm trying to give the facts as they are.


The majority of this started about a month and a half ago.Ã,  I live with her in her house.Ã,  But I just got this itch/urge to be on my own again, but still be with her.Ã,  I'm more of an apartment person. I never liked the idea of living in a house. The only reason I own a house still right now that I'm still trying to sell is my ex-wife wanted to live in a house.Ã,  It's now been on the market for 6 months without an offer, so that isn't helping me in terms of trying to like houses.Ã,  [add on- I can't move out until I sell the house, so I'm in no hurry to get out]

So, after much thought, I mentioned to the girlfriend that I want to simply move out, get into an apartment, be on my own, STILL DATE HER.
"nothing is wrong with us, nothing is wrong with YOUR house, I just don't want to me in 'A' house, I don't want to be away from you, I just want to be on my own. It's not you, really!"

I knew this would upset her a small bit, but that reaction and continued reaction I get from her has been seriously disappointing and saddening.

First I got a huge death look from her.Ã,  Second, regardless my reassurance, she's still to this day under the impression "Oh this is the beginning of the end, bla bla"Ã, 

about 2ish weeks ago, I even bought her a promise ring, which I thought/hoped would help things.Ã,  She seemed all smiley for a day, but she's still hating the idea with a passion even reiterating
"I don't like the idea and I don't SUPPORT the idea"

ouch
ouch
ouch

it's one thing for here to not like it, but not to even support her own 1 year boyfriend in something he feels he needs to do.


In this past month I've also realized some ugly adjectives about her that I simply didn't realize (or ignored) about her up until now

1. uptight (i'm not trying to be cruel here, just truthful)
She has come off, dare I say, bratty
2. lack of self confidence
She always mentions how she is a strong women, but this situation is NOT helping her case.
3. angry
Like in general, I know she can get angry, but this shows her as a generally angry person now.


The biggest con here for me is...
I don't feel like I can communicate to her anymore, and that is my #1 most important thing in a relationship.Ã,  I do not ever want to lie or hold back things from my significant other.Ã,  But I don't feel like I can tell her things anymore.
When I try to talk about this move out thing she gets very teary (expected) but she gets in this mode/mood where it's just not worth talking to her about.Ã,  I know when I get emotional to a certain degree I'm better off walking away and not talking about it untill I cool down.Ã,  She gets emotional but doesn't cool down, and if she does, she just gets emotional again when I try to talk to her about it.

And sadly things about her are annoying me now, but I won't go into detail here...

THE GOOD:
When things are calm and such, and not much is going on, then things are "OK" with us.
But i guess this "THE GOOD" section isn't all good because she's told me that when it's not a subject that's in the open, she goes in denial about it and is just hoping that it won't happen.Ã,  That seems a horrible way to deal with it.

Maybe this post is a self convincing reason to break up I don't know.
My friend/sister asked me
Do you see yourself marrying her and spending the rest of your life with her...
.....
.....
....
.....
.....no....

Is that enough right there to end it?Ã,  Do I need to work with it some more?Ã,  Is there more detail I need to give for people to give a better opinion?Ã,  Should I just shut up, stop complaining and get on with my life?

help...

thanks

[Helm]

I don't think anyone will tell you anything you don't already know in this thread. It seems to me these are not choices you discuss with your friend the internet, or really, discuss at all.  Theoretically, you should weigh your options and go for what you think is best, but try not to be dishonest. If the only honest thing left to do is to make your feelings plain and split, then that's it. For my two cents, the "just tough it out for a few weeks and things will blow over" tactic is not very smart, especially if the friction in the relationship is slowly eating at the foundations of it, which should I guess be mutual adoration, respect and understanding.

[ManicMatt]

Is this really the best place to get some advice?

Also, I really don't think you should be posting good and bad points about your girlfriend. Did you never watch friends? There is always the teeny weeny chance she may see this.

Ignore your co-worker. His opinion is corrupted by his own sour experiences.

I'm not surprised your girlfriend is upset by you wanting to move out, even if you want to stay together. If she wants to live the rest of her life with you, and you moved out, then it suggests you will never settle in with her?

We can not answer your questions, it is you alone who must make the decision, and be sure about it, so you will have no regrets.

(Written before Helm's post, in which I agree with them)

[Etcher Squared Games]

I figured that would be some of the replies. I'm not surprised.
Was just hoping for additional adivce/support is all.

Thanks anyway.

I've just chatted with all I can about it.  I figured I'd try here.

[passer-by]

Maybe the decision is not up to you any more , you know. When you tell a girl that you want some time on your own, she starts planning a life with plenty of icecream and none of your sight. Buying her a ring AFTER that? Sounds like escaping via engagement. Don't be surprised if it's her that will make an announcement. It's all about trust, isn't it?

Anyway, I think this kind of decisions is deeply personal and not even the people who know both of you can give advice, let alone online strangers.

[Tuomas]

By my own experience I can say it won't do neither of you any good if you were to stay whilst you still wanted to leave, to live alone that is. I realized myself, that once I got this feeling of not probably being with her forever but still taking it seriously enough not to just play, I realized there was no point. If I wanted and didn't want to be serious it would not have made sense. Breaking up was bitter and hard, I liked her a lot, but thinking that while with her I'd rather be alone... you know...
  Well first of all everyone knows it's you or she who makes the decission. but hearing what people says often helps... I would say again, that you can have a serious relationship, or if you are willing to make a commitment, you can't leave it halfway... Sry for the mistakes in spelling, hastily written too...

[Pumaman]

Do the good parts of your relationship make living through the bad parts worthwhile? Only you can answer that, and if the answer is no then you need to ask yourself what the point of the relationship is. But as everyone else has said, there's no way any of us can give you the answer you're looking for.

[InCreator]

So let me get this right--

she:

* wants to be with you
* wants to live together

and you:

* want to be with her
* want to live alone

Easy. You both decide for yourselves, what's more important, staying together or living/not living together. If atleast one of you thinks that staying together is more important than living together thing, other one has won. If both think that living question is more important, well... sorry, it's time to break up then. If you can't decide on a thing like this without seriously endangering(sp?) the relationship, it's not too solid anyway then.
Imagine what problems you would have on more important things later, like raising kids?

If she was really clever, she'd let you go with living alone and laugh when you come back after few months 

[passer-by]

more important things later, like raising kids?

Like in "while raising kids, the one decides that wants some time alone" kind of situation?

[SSH]

If she boils your pet rabbit, its time to split up...

but seriously, would she consider living in an apartment more suited to your needs in accomodation? If its just that you dont liek houses (and my wife has the opposite thing and hates flats) then maybe this would be the best of both worlds? Of course, maybe you dont want that either, so just an idea...

[TheYak]

If it's really an apartment v. house thing, isn't there some sort of compromise?  It's a strange statement anyway, as I can't think of any benefit to apartments aside from expense. 

Isn't a romantic relationship's point to grow closer and eventually make some sort of long-term commitment?  I haven't heard of too many relationships based on wanting to be with a person for a few years before moving on.

It sounds very much like you care about her but you also would like to be your own person.  Whether its due to lack of time or space, there's something you're not able to do (feel relaxed, work on a hobby, have male-bonding time with friends, whatever).   What keeps you in the relationship is inertia, apparently.  You've been with this person for awhile.  You do care about them, can't imagine at the moment *not* being with them, but there's no determination to either stop the relationship or progress into greater intimacy. 

If it's only a physical-dwelling problem, surely it can be worked out somehow.  If it's that you actually want to live on your own, it seems like it can't be anything other than dropping the relationship back a notch, and it's probably winding down. 

All the typing and re-reading of my redundancy and I find myself unable to give advice due to this being the InterWeb. [Edit: Screw it, you know enough to discount the quality of the on-line assessment.  It's doomed, maybe you can salvage a friendship from it.]

[Helm]

Isn't a romantic relationship's point to grow closer and eventually make some sort of long-term commitment?

I wouldn't take that as a given, and nor would a lot of people I know. Personally, I'd be more interested in having a relationship that I find fulfilling in the short-term sense without bothering to either consider the future or manouver a relationship into 'the next level'. Being  content with simple things that work for the now I find, is an appealing way of life. If things get more serious, they do. Wouldn't call that 'the point' of the relationship, ever, though.  Not afraid of relationships that end, things end. I used to be friends with an amazing person, and he went away and I can't be friends with him anymore. Things end. I was in love with a person, things didn't work out, I'm not in love anymore. Things end. You move on. Be more afraid of relationships that either stagnate, or become psychologically fartiquing. Then again I'm still only 21 and I don't have peer pressure of the "OMG STILL NOT IN A STEADY RELATIONSHIP HELM? WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA DIE ALONE? LOLOL" variety.

[TheYak]

Phrased poorly by me, 'twas.  Not the 'point' as much as goal.  You don't expect that every relationship will go that far, and I'm sure people get into many they're pretty certain won't.  Isn't the point at which one party or the other realizes that it's not progressing the time that they either break up or something traumatic is caused to happen?  Maybe I've just been sucked into the whole look->like->love->marry->babies outlook.   My view's skewed anyway from an early marriage, lengthy relationship, divorced and not pursuing anything perspective.

[Helm]

yeah you worded the same thing differently. When I enjoy someone's company, I enjoy someone's company. I don't expect this to "lead" to something. When something does happen, something happened. I don't expect that to "lead" to babies, personally. I guess it's a matter of perspective, just saying keep in mind that other people might enjoy a relationship for what it is, as long as it is, and then mutually break up when there's nothing good there left. I've done this (admittedly, as a younger person) a lot.

[n3tgraph]

If someone puts pressure on you with future stuff, it's kinda depressing. I for example have a girlfriend who is a few years older then me. She is very into the living together thing, buying a house. I don't really think much about this stuff and for now I think things are good as they are. In the future I see myself in our own house together, when that will be I don't know, and that feels right to me. Just living your life at this moment and not planning everything in the future. My girlfriend respects that and I go to her place a lot so we can see eachother very often, this way we're both satisfied.

I can imagine you'd feel terrible if your girlfriend lets you know that she wants to have babies in 2 years. I would.
I would wait for the right time to come. Life goes fast as hell, better live it in the present then living your life for the future. That's what I think. I'm not saying that you should spend all your money and do whatever you like. But I'm thinking about not planning everything too serious yet.

If your girl is always putting pressure on you like that, you should let her know, and if she cannot change that, I would definitly consider breaking up. You need to be happy in your relationship, you gotta trust eachother 100% and take eachother the way you are. Changing a person is never good. I see loads of couples in bars sitting on eachothers lap with this look on their face: Ã,  staring around the bar and saying nothing.Ã,  then I think, what's wrong with you!

Relationships should be based on feelings, not on logic thoughts.

I don't know if it's any help, but that's my point of view Ã, 

[TheYak]

The simple enjoyment of a person's company is one thing.  It's also another to take it slow and let it solidify if it's going to.  It's quite another to reverse course.  Even if it doesn't seem like a reversal to one person that's debating living in another place, it might to another (and in this case it seems it does).  If I were in an intimate relationship with someone and it wasn't progressing towards the canon of generic goals, I'd have no problem with it.  However, if I knew that it was going to disintegrate eventually, or even that it would never progress, I think I'd begin to wonder what the point was.  I wish I didn't have to be so dogmatic about it, but I'm not sure I'm capable of thinking about it any other way.  Of course, spending 4/5ths of your adult life married might tend to cement one's opinion before it has a chance to mature. 

Returning to the initial subject, even if he's capable of moving to an apartment and keeping the relationship at the same level of priority, obviously she's not.  Even if the idea can be communicated to her, the inability to leap into another's mindset can be too large an obstacle to overcome sometimes. 

[big brother]

Judging by the actions you already took, you demonstrated that you already know what you want.

From what you've said, living alone in an apartment takes priority over living with her in a house. If this is truly the way you feel, you need act accordingly. There's really no need for you to compromise if it will result in your misery.

Secondly, you need to involve her with your decisions. A relationship is about two people, so you need to tell her exactly how you feel and what you want to do. I will tell you right now, HER FEELINGS WILL BE HURT. I have personal experience with the whole "moving out" bit. There really isn't a way to stop living together without her feeling rejected. You will need to do a lot of talking if you plan to stay together at all.

From what I can tell, it seems like this moving out is a big test of your relationship. If it works out and she can accept it, your initial assessment could be wrong and your continued relationship could turn out very nicely. So I wouldn't say to break it off unless it's the only way you can move out, since that seems what this is really about (needing personal space).

[Etcher Squared Games]

Another part of this issue is that I can't just move out any time I want.
I still have my house up for sale without bites.

Once that happens, then I could move out, but I'm not itching to quickly move into the apartment.  It's just something I want to do when I do sell it.

I know it must sound odd to all of you this "desire to live in an apartment".
It sounds silly myself, but, it's just where my life is heading and what I want to do.
I never wanted my house in the first place.  The ex-wife wanted it but I didn't care either way.  After being a house owner for 2+ years now, I now know it isn't my thing.

We actually had a big discussion last night and she seems to be accepting the idea a little better, even saying
"I just wish you could just move out and get it over with"
explaining that the tension is something really getting to her. 

I've thought about temporarily moving back to my house, but again, I'm just not in a hurry to get out.

Things seem to be getting better.  But I won't post here anytime something dramatic happens.  I realize no one will care about that.  I just needed help getting my thoughts straight.  Yeah you are all strangers around the world, but I thought maybe I could dive into a world's worth of experience into what is going on...

for that I thank you all.