Author Topic: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Desert [Resolved]  (Read 1053 times)

Ess2s2

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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Desert [Resolved]
« Reply #20 on: 21 Jun 2020, 21:36 »
Thank you for your valuable consideration, Sinitrena. Your input is appreciated.
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Baron

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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Desert [Resolved]
« Reply #21 on: 22 Jun 2020, 00:54 »
Thanks for all the votes, folks!  I'll try to have another competition up by tomorrow.

@ Ess2s2:  While I wouldn't call it a rewrite, the addition of Ben's side of the story makes the whole much, much better.  I agree with Sinitrena that changing back and forth between writing to Jim and writing about Jim was slightly jarring, but otherwise the new piece has just about everything the original lacks: character development, suspense, even the slow-burn menace of the shadow people.  I too wondered whatever happened to June, but then nobody laments the Arab trader who opens Disney's Aladdin and then disappears, so.... I guess sometimes as a technique it works.  In summary, I think a bit of reworking of this second installment with some of the important details from the first would allow it to stand alone as a stronger, tighter story than the two submissions together. 

I look forward to reading your future submissions.  All the more so next time since I won't be competing against you!  ;-D