Author Topic: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Pirates! (Results)  (Read 1450 times)

Sinitrena

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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Pirates! (Results)
« Reply #20 on: 08 Feb 2021, 18:14 »
Time is up, lads, the noose is ready, hear now your verdict:

Creamy: Very atmospheric. It almost feels like a prayer, with the repetitions and due to the structure. It feels poetic without quite stepping over the border and becoming poetry. I like it. The element of piracy is not very strong. If it weren't for a few lines, you could imagine this poor crew as being the victims of pirates instead of being pirates themselves. A few more details would be nice. We learn very little about the characters or their motivations. I like the ending, this slipping into madness or death, the enticing call from a ghost or destiny or a god, it gives a good amount of suspense without a whole lot of words. There could be more plot, there could be more details, more character development, just in general more, but I like it overall.

Mandle: As already pointed out, the meter is all over the place and it's nearly impossible to get a proper rhythm when trying to read this. I don't mind this too much in the verses, but it get's a bit irritating in the refrain, where the words are only slightly altered. There are quite a few very well done turns of phrases. Story-wise, I think there's a tiny bit too little for the amount of stanzas you have (of course, this is skewed due to the use of a refrain, which makes the text seem longer without adding too much information in these stanzas), but overall I think it's a plot that works well in poetry. A bit more work would have improved this poem quite a bit. There are several lines where just tiny changes would give a better meter (but I really don't like editing other people's poetry, so I'll leave it at that). Good try, but needs some work.

WHAM: Some interesting characters, a plot that works fairly well in my opinion (the plot holes others pointed out are there, but I didn't mind them too much) but one element where I can't decide if it was a good choice or not: The facelessness of the natives. You constantly describe them as just one entity, no individuality at all (differnt natives are mentioned, but only because they get killed or kill named chracters) while both Isabella's crew as well as their original prey are described with more personality and individuality. Now, on the one hand, the story is told from Isabella's point of view and for her, they are just one force, not actually people, but on the other hand, a lot of non-native characters get character, including enemies, so it's not told from just this one perspective. I won't go as far as saying this description is racist, but it is problematic. This especially because we get no motivation for them: Are they just protecting their shore, or are they the agressor? The storm makes one think the latter, but logic tells you that both the pirates and the military vessel are actually traspassing (if not on the island, because the storm broight them there, then in a more general sense.) That aside, there are a lot of detailes I liked and the charatarizations of Isabella is good. Also, a pretty well done action scene.

Baron: A very short piece but still one with a good structure - beginning, middle, end. I think this story is a near-perfect mixture of your comedic style with quircky characters and a slightly more serious plot. It's not very long and not a whole lot of plot, but it flows pretty well. I don't have a lot to say, I liked it.

Let's add my votes:

Best Character: I like Baron's retired (or not so retired) captain.
Best Plot: WHAM, despite some dificulties, it as most to offer.
Best Atmosphere: Creamy
Best Writing Style: Baron

And that leaves us with:

1. place: WHAM wins a golden skull with 6 points and is our next Captain.


2. place goes to Baron with 5 points who is now an officer.


3. place: Creamy gets the bronze skull with 3 points and can serve our ship as crew.


And Mandle recieves 2 points for a good fourth place.


Well mates, the tide is high, the wind is strong, let's sail now on to other shores. (Created by our new Captain WHAM).

See you next round.

WHAM

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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Pirates! (Results)
« Reply #21 on: 08 Feb 2021, 20:27 »
Arr and avast! A victory at last!

Sinitrena > You're on the right track with the natives. In the background, unknown to the protagonists and thus not explained, the natives are basically running a sorcerous wrecking operation. Their spells bring storms and the storms bring ships and the ships bring loot and treasure and more. They are described as one entity, because that is how they make themselves out to be: with their unified song and chant, their swarm like method of attack and even their body paint, all designed to turn themselves into a terrifying force their victims should fear and struggle to comprehend.

I shall set up a new theme tomorrow!
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Baron

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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Pirates! (Results)
« Reply #22 on: 09 Feb 2021, 04:59 »
... the natives are basically running a sorcerous wrecking operation.

Wait, wait, wait - why wasn't THIS the core of the story?!?  The sorcerous wrecking operation has so much potential!  If the next writing theme is "Salvage" I'm stealing your idea....  ;)

Also, congratulations WHAM!  ;-D

WHAM

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    • WHAM worked on one or more games that won an AGS Award!
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Re: Fortnightly Writing Competition: Pirates! (Results)
« Reply #23 on: 09 Feb 2021, 10:49 »
Wait, wait, wait - why wasn't THIS the core of the story?!?  The sorcerous wrecking operation has so much potential!

Because I wanted to have a pirate protagonist with a fancy hat:-D
Besides, I've written stories of such native tribes before, so I really wanted to do something new, and since I'd never had a badass lady pirate as a protagonist before (and I recently got back into reading Wilbur Smith books)...
Wrongthinker and anticitizen one. Pending removal to memory hole. | WHAMGAMES proudly presents: One More Fathom!