Messages

[Character]

Character: Baron, as I never felt we really got to know Sinitrena's characters all that well. Ess2s2's was good, and I liked the touches of humor, but I felt the entry focused far too much on the setting and not on the characters. It's hard, because we never really see Jim interact with anyone.
Plot: Hard to choose. I'll go with Sinitrena, though, as her story had a definite arc. Baron's ended a bit too abruptly: I would have liked to see how the others reacted to their new wealth and how it changed things.
Writing Style: Ess2s2. I was torn between all three. I love Sinitrena's style in general (Baron's can be a little too out-there for me, but that wasn't the case this time). However, in terms of easy to read, this time Ess2s2 just squeaked into first place. There was only one thing that didn't make sense: the last line of the letter reads, "And it goes without saying of course, but tell no one. I think it would make the energy down there...angry." It's a nice way to end it, but Jim's already told Ben about it in his letter. Wouldn't that count as 'making the energy angry?'
Atmosphere: Sinitrena, definitely. Baron's was slightly sparse, and Ess2s2's entry was a little too descriptive. There's nothing wrong with that, but it makes it harder to get into the piece.
Theme: Again, Sinitrena. With Baron, we sort of knew that we were in a desert, but it was very much in the background, particularly as the main characters don't have to worry about water. Ess2s2's entry was far more about the city, which was certainly intriguing, but apart from a few descriptions, the desert never featured at all.

[JudasFm:]

JudasFm: There are certainly lies and subterfuge in your story and so it fits the theme perfectly. Interesting enough, the biggest mystery was not something any of the protagonists would find a mystery - namely the nature of the occupants of the cages. It took a while to reveal that they are not animals. I would have prefered it if the focus was more on the lies - Jordan does lie, but more in the backstory, I think. I agree with Baron that this feels very much like a small part of a much larger story. It is a whole story, but not a complete one, I'd say.

That's very fair Having committed to submitting an entry, I ran out of time and it was pretty ragged. Although, to be honest, I don't know that I would have expanded on the story a great deal in terms of new plot developments, so Reiter would still probably have got the win Congrats to Reiter

[Character:]

I'm sorry! My new novel came out a few days ago so I've been crazy busy with the launch campaign and this is the first chance I've had to check in
Anyway, here are my votes.

Character: Baron for the protagonist (and protagonist's wife!)
Plot: Reiter. I liked the mystery of this and the fact that not all the questions were answered.
Writing Style: Reiter. This one was very close, but I felt Reiter's style was closest to my own preference
Atmosphere: Reiter. Baron's story offered plenty of comedy, but not a whole lot of atmosphere.
Best Action in the Dark: Baron. There wasn't much action in Reiter's story; I didn't get the feeling that anyone was doing anything secretly.

[Secrets]

Not too happy about this entry, but it's 2.40am here and the best I can do

Secrets

The cages were tall, narrow, and stank like shit. Jordan hated being sent down to clean them and feed the occupants, but he had no choice; the space station administrator had given his orders, and he had to obey.

A few of the occupants looked up as he scurried in, pushing the trolley ahead of him, determinedly not meeting anyone's gaze. That was how you survived. Keep your head down, keep your shit together, and just get through one day at a time. 

According to the chart, Nos. 1 and 2 weren't being fed today. Jordan wasn't too sorry about that; both of them had a tendency to spit the food all over him. He pushed the meal trolley past them and slowed to a halt in front of No. 3. He liked No. 3. She was usually quiet and seemed to understand that he was as helpless as she was, even though he was free to move around and she wasn't. Jordan rummaged around in his trolley before finding the special meal he'd put together for her.

"Open," he said. None of the girls could eat by themselves. The manacles saw to that; loose enough to allow some freedom of movement, restrictive enough to stop them actually accomplishing anything with that movement. They accepted being fed like the pets they were, or they starved.

3 obeyed, accepting the spoon with its mush meekly. Her eyes popped open as she tasted what else was in there and she stared at him, astonished.

Carefully, glancing over his shoulder for cameras, Jordan raised a finger to his lips. It wasn't obvious - even hinting that they shared a secret would be enough to land them both in trouble - but it was enough. Just a gentle brushing of a finger across his lips, as though wiping off a stray crumb. He couldn't help the girls down here, but he could drop the occasional handful of raisins into the mush.

The station staff wouldn't let them leave. You needed a permit to even gain access to the hangar, and fresh blood â€" fresh DNA â€" was far too rare to lose. As an outsider, Jordan himself was expected to service any and all women who demanded it. It was a last-ditch attempt to keep the station running, to keep the population up and the gene pool healthy, since Suliko was deemed so weird that nobody in their right mind bar traders would ever visit, much less move in if they had anywhere else to go (Jordan fell firmly into the no-choice category, as his ship had developed thruster troubles just outside the station and it had been a toss-up between entering Suliko, or dying in space).

He scraped up the final spoonful of mush and raisins and fed it to No. 3. She swallowed it, licked her lips, and then mouthed, Help us.

Jordan bit back a word of his own. Bad enough he'd be docked a few meals of his own if the station administration learned he'd stolen extra food for the cages. Now he was supposed to put his whole life on the line?

"I can't." His voice was barely audible. "I can't help you. I can't even help myself."

3's face crumpled a little, but she nodded, making Jordan feel a hell of a lot worse than if she'd screamed abuse at him. He didn't dare tell her what he'd already done, about the note he'd smuggled onto the most recent trading ship to have come and gone. It might come to nothing, and besides, the less the occupants knew, the lower the chances he had of landing in a cage next to them. Keep it secret. Keep everyone alive.

Turning his back resolutely on 3, he pushed the trolley over to No. 4 and took out a plain bowl of mush.

"Open."

I'm in as well, but can I have a bit of an extension? I hate to ask but I'm backed up and I need a bit of time 

[Character]

Oh, frell it all to France on a frothy frappucino!  I really wanted to enter this one, but real life and writing deadlines got in the way.

Oh well, I can still vote!

Character: Baron with Dr. Bellerophon. Although he was a bit character, he seemed more real than Dr. Bazaar, who was too ridiculous for me to really enjoy.
Plot: This was a tough call, but I vote Sinitrena. Although Baron's was also good, Sinitrena's was more original and had a clear beginning-middle-end structure.
Writing Style: Sinitrena. Generally speaking, I prefer Sinitrena's style in any case, but in this particular story, one line got me: "For their freedom, they paid with their home." It summed up the message of so many people in similar situations.
Atmosphere: Sinitrena. Baron's story was fairly dialog-heavy, so I didn't get much of a sense of atmosphere or surroundings; it was a group of people on a tiny ship arguing with each other.

If it's allowed, I would vote, though I'm not sure that's acceptable considering I'm administering the contest and must remain impartial.

There was a bit of debate about this during one of the contests I administered. Speaking personally, I award myself one tiebreaker vote, to be used only after it's very clear no more votes are going to be forthcoming. This stops the contest dragging on, but it's an ultimate last resort.

In the end we all agreed that it was up to the particular administrator I've known admins vote just like readers, and even enter their own contests occasionally. So relax and enjoy running the contest your way

[Character:]

I really just wrote my entry so there would be one at least in what I felt was a bit too much of a narrow theme for most people.

Broader topics like "Loss" or "Growth" or "War" might be the way to go to get a lot more people writing. I have no real interest in Steampunk so just wrote a story that I ended up getting interested in but not really.

Agreed. For some reason, I've never been able to wrap my head around the concept of Steampunk, so the prompt put me off entering this one It's such a specialized genre that I really wouldn't know where to start...

I can still vote though!

Character: Mandle. Like Ess2s2, I felt a lot closer to this character than the ones in the other entries.
Plot: Ess2s2. It's probably the genre - like I said, Steampunk leaves me more baffled and irritated than transported - but I didn't understand Mandle's plot at all, and although I liked Baron's, Ess2s2's just squeaks into first place for me.
Writing Style: This was a close call between Baron and Ess2s2, but I'm going to go with Ess2s2. Although Ess2s2's entry contained several typos (capitalization being a huge one!) it still managed to pull me into the world. Given how picky I usually am about even the tiniest errors, this was quite the accomplishment!
Atmosphere: Again, Ess2s2. Baron's was a bit too dialog-heavy; with Ess2s2's, I could imagine the world a little better. Mandle, I'm sorry but your entry just left me confused.

No, for once, I decided to limit myself and write a really short story (still recuperating from my surgery, so I had a lot of time to write but little energy.). That Ruprecht actually shows up and I didn't leave it with Fridol loosing conciousness was just to give it at least a glimmer of hope. The next part of the story would obviously be the rebellion, but that would be a different plot.

Aw, does that mean we'll have to wait until next Christmas to find out what happened?

The Squid said that surgery is no excuse for not writing about elves overthrowing Nikolaus! He then swam away before I could get my hands on him and make him apologize, and he's still hiding (What is up with that image hosting?)
Seriously though, I hope you're having a speedy recovery

[Best Character Interpretation]

Happy New Year!  Have some votes!

Best Character Interpretation: Sinitrena for both Nikolaus and Knecht Ruprecht.
Best Plot: This one's hard, but I'm going with Sinitrena. Honestly, I would vote for both Nuts and Mandle I if I could; I loved the final twist at the end of Mandle's story, but the plot was too random to really enjoy it. We're not given any insight into the characters' motivations and this makes it hard to invest ourselves in the story. Sinitrena's had characters that I cared about, but it ended too abruptly. It reads almost as if you were planning to come back to it later, but forgot.
Best Crossover: Sinitrena. I loved Knecht Ruprecht and I learned something about another country and culture, which is always a big plus for me Mandle I was fairly well-written, but I didn't feel it quite met the spirit of the contest. It's never confirmed that the old man IS Scrooge; he's just a crazy guy calling himself Scrooge.
Best Writing: Sinitrena. The end of Mandle I (Scrooge) was very powerful, but Sinitrena's entry sucked me into the story and kept me there right the way through.
Best Magic Toy Sack: Sinitrena, for writing a story that made me want to read on and find out what happens next (my only complaint was that it was a bit short!) I would really love to read more and find out what happened to Fridol and all the other elves.

[Concept]

I was wondering if this would ever make a comeback! I'm not much good at art myself, but I really love looking at everybody else's entries
So, here are my votes!

Concept: Deabriel. One look and I know the setting, what kind of NPCs I might find and the general style of the game (I agree with other posters that it's very DOTT-esque!)
Playability: lorenzo. Walkable areas are easy to spot, and there are all kinds of things I might be able to do with the trailer and the sign and the bottle and the glasses. Plus, it's a beautiful background.
Artistic Execution: This was hard, but I'm going with cassiebsg. While there's not much in the way of objects, something about this hut in the middle of green mountains really piques my interest. I get the feeling there could be an interesting story there.

I died!

Again!? 

[Gritty Gretel Breeds Racehorses]

Cute. That was my first thought and I don't really have much to add. The poetic structure is good, rhythm and rhyme are never jerring. It works.
You are lacking in the message aspect. At first, I thought you might go for an environmental message, with a the bicycle bell that's really not at the right place in the middle of the ocean and the dolphin that wants to play with something that shouldn't be there either, but you never went there, so these elements feel out of place in the same cutsey way as a squid dreaming of ice cream.
I don't know why you would capitalize ice cream. I saw your post on this being a technique in children's books, but I don't see s purpose there either. Why would you use wrong grammar, especially in a book for people just starting out to read? That's just weird.

It's a mystery to me too, but I would guess it's done for emphasis. Regardless, I didn't invent the technique of capitalizing Important Words; I just used it

Congrats Baron! A very well-deserved win and I want to put in a pre-order for Gritty Gretel Breeds Racehorses as well

[First: 13Second: 8Third: 18]

First: 13
Second: 8
Third: 18

[JudasFM]

Language: JudasFM - I like rhymes! One of my pet peeves is wrong metre and you got it right most of the time (my only concern is Ice Cream, which in prose would be 'Ice cream, not Ice 'cream)

I think this is a to-may-to/to-mah-to thing; where I come from, we do say "ice 'cream." Although, to be fair, I've heard and used both

I don't want to seem like I'm coming down hard on Wiggy the writer.  He took some risks and addressed a difficult topic.  As notarobotyet says, we're all adults here.  No harm, no foul.

Having said that, I would like to reiterate that I think the story conveys the wrong message to children, and in the context of the rules of this contest it falls flat.  We could debate the moral culpability of Dodger as a character for glorifying underage prostitution.  I agree with JudasFm that such an act is wrong, but characters in stories often express morally repugnant ideas.  "Hey, let's rob somebody!  Ooo, no, let's MURDER somebody!"  We don't even blink at this kind of stuff, so common it is.  So is it wrong for a character to try to up-sell child prostitution?  If you learn a lesson from the story, which a savvy adult who can read beyond the surface glitz and humour can, then I believe the act may have some merit.  For me it's the idea of presenting such arguments to an audience that is not equipped to understand the full consequences (i.e. children) that is morally dubious.

This And we can bat the same arguments back and forth all day, but sooner or later, there's a risk of it getting heated. I've said my piece on the subject, Baron's summed it all up very nicely, and so I'm stepping out of this debate 

[JudasFm]

Having seen a fair deal of child poverty myself owing to the place where I was born, I can tell you that a lot of kids who get into gangs, crime and such due to poverty, desperation or lack of opportunities end up embracing it as pretty much the only way to live, with everything that comes along with it. There are always those who are constantly looking for a way out of the shithole, and there are also those who embrace their position, who think that having gone through something like that actually has made them stronger and more capable of leading over the newer or weaker members and who actually think that if you don't go through it you're "soft" or not fit to survive in such an environment. I know it's just a movie and whatnot, but I definitely recommend "City of God" (Cidade de Deus), which was so raw in its depiction of favela gang culture that it was denounced as "too numbing" by some critics.

Yes, kids from poor backgrounds getting mixed up in crime and gangs, I can definitely understand. I can even understand kids being suckered into that life by adults, and those same kids growing up to sucker in more kids. I don't like or condone those things, but I do understand how they can happen.

However, I still maintain there is a huge difference between something like, "If you don't join our gang you're weak!" or "Come and join our gang and your life will get better!" and "Hey, I'm a child, and I LOVE being raped 'cause I get lots of money! Why don't you come and be raped too? Then we can BOTH get money!" Implied message: It's okay to rape little kids who aren't capable of giving informed consent. They enjoy it really, because they can buy all the toys they want!

I know child prostitution is a horrific reality - when I was a child, my best friend's sister had a very close call at a restaurant; basically, if her mother hadn't been paranoid as hell, we'd have lost her - and I have no problem with a shock entry being written to try and galvanize people into doing something about it, or even just raise awareness of problem areas, as Wiggy did with St. Kilda.

I do, however, have a major problem with an entry that describes child prostitutes as happy, willing little kids who are overjoyed at the thought of all the money they can get. "Are you a little kid? Well, then, we have a wonderful way you can get lots of cash! Are you a sick pervert who likes having sex with little kids? Well, then, that's alright too! They enjoy it really, since you give them so much money!"

JudasFm: A very well-executed concept.  It's actually better than many published works: you should shop around for an artist!  I'm not sure why Lots of Ice Cream was capitalized, but otherwise I found the story captivating and the rhyming compelling.

Thank you so much But children's books are a seriously hard sell, and if The Squid actually ends up published there'll be no living with him, so I think I'll stick to working on my second novel

Re: the capitalization of Lots of Ice Cream...this is actually a technique I've seen in plenty of children's books, used for emphasis:
"There is Nothing to Pay,' said the Waiter, before they had time to ask for the bill. 'It is a Pleasure. You will find the Merry-go-Round just over there!"

But then, I write sci-fi/fantasy, so it's very probable I misused the technique 

So, in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit that the word travail is innocent of not being guilty.  It's a fun word that kids shouldn't be sheltered from. 

Sustained! Or, you know, whatever word means, "I agree with Baron!" I wasn't trying to say that it was a bad word or a too-difficult one; just that shoehorning a word in for the sake of making a rhyme jarred me a little

[Plot:]

This was actually very easy for me this time round:

Plot: Baron. It was obvious from P1 how it was going to end, but that's fine in a children's book 
Character: Baron for Gritty Gretel.
Language: Baron. The only criticism I have is that some of the language, particularly Gritty Gretel's rhymes, didn't scan well and seemed very forced. "It looks like I failed despite all I travailed" came across as very clumsy, like you were clutching at straws just to find a rhyme. Other than that, it was age-appropriate, the repetition made it good for children and I could imagine it being a bedtime story
Message: Again, Baron. Simple, put across very well, and good

Onto feedback!

Mandle: It's an original concept, but I don't get it. It seemed a little like the old Peter-and-Jane books that helped children learn to read. There's nothing wrong with it, but I think a child would be bored very quickly. It's hard judging just by text though, so maybe the pictures would have made it a lot clearer.

Wiggy: While I definitely agree that this kind of thing shouldn't be swept under the carpet, your story treated child abuse, domestic abuse and child prostitution - hell, child RAPE - so lightly that, like some other people, I honestly couldn't tell if it was meant as a serious entry that didn't quite follow the prompt, or a very sick joke. ("Hey kids, are your parents screaming at each other? Do what Simon does and run away! Selling yourself to perfect strangers is FUN and you'll have all the money you can get! YAY!") If you're going to tackle a subject like this, you should handle it with the respect (for victims) and maturity that it deserves, and I didn't see any of that here.

Credit where credit's due, though: Simon's complete innocence and lack of understanding of just what he's getting into is a good example of TruthInTelevision. However, Dodger knows very well what Simon will be letting himself in for; why in the world would a child who had already gone through this several times recommend it to another child? ("Trixie, what's it like being a prostitute?" "Oh, it's great! I have to have sex with anyone no matter how old or stinky or perverse they are, I have a whole bunch of STDs, it hurts me to piss and one of my prostitute friends got knifed last week. But I get a lot of money so you should totally try it!") If Dodger's lines had been spoken by an adult trying to sucker Simon into the life to make himself or herself some more money, it would have had far more impact, been far more believable, and you probably would have gotten the effect you were after.

I could say a lot more, but I'm going to stop here

[A Squid With A Dream]

A Squid With A Dream

Once, long ago, in an ocean so deep
Was a little blue Squid who was trying to sleep
He'd swum and he'd swum and he'd swum all day long
And he'd finished his day off by singing a song.

And now he was tired. He wanted to rest.
He lay down in the seashell that he loved the best
And he closed both his eyes, and he hoped for a dream
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream.

But just as the dream seemed to be a sure thing
There came from his neighbor a very loud BRRING!
And the Squid jumped so much he fell out of the shell
And he saw a young Crab with a bicycle bell.

"Just what are you doing?" he said with a frown.
"I've swum all day long, and I'd like to lie down!
And your bell is too noisy, and spoiled my dream
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream!"

"I do beg your pardon," the Crab did reply,
"but you see, this bright thing fell from out of the sky.
It landed on top of my Great Auntie Mel,
And it hurt her poor head, and cracked her poor shell."

"If you find my poor Auntie a new kind of shell,
Then I'll gladly stop ringing this fine silver bell.
I'll go right away, and leave you to your dream,
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream."

So the Squid swam away to find a new shell
For the sake of his dream, and for Great Auntie Mel
But a Squid has no shell of his own, so you see,
The Squid had no clue where a new shell might be.

He swam and he swam. He swam left and swam right.
How different the ocean appeared in the night!
But as hard as he looked, he saw no one around
Who could tell where a new shell might then be found.

Then, just as the Squid was about to give up,
A large object fell into the sea with a plup!
It was big. It was pretty; a huge yellow shell
The Squid thought would be fine for poor Great Auntie Mel.

But as he reached out, a Dolphin came by
For the shell was her toy that she'd thrown in the sky,
"Excuse me," said the Squid, "may I please have your shell?
For my neighbor the Crab's poor Great Auntie Mel?"

"Yes, of course," said the Dolphin. "There's just one small thing.
I would so love to play with a bright purple ring.
If you get back a ring from the Big Eel's cave,
I'll give you my shell, and go play with a wave!"

So the Squid went away to the Big Eel's cave,
But to tell you the truth, he felt far, far from brave.
For a Squid is the favorite food of some Eels
And the Squid didn't want to end up as a meal!

But he didn't back down! He swam on and swam fast
And he came to the place where Big Eel lived at last.
The place was quite dark. Not a sound could he hear
When Big Eel slid out and said, "What have we here?"

"Good evening," Squid answered, polite as could be.
"I'm sorry to come here so late, but you see,
The Dolphin has asked for a bright purple ring
And I thought you might have one among all your things."

Big Eel disappeared to go look through his treasure
While the Squid stood outside with a feeling of pleasure
For the Big Eel's cave was so big, and so vast
That the Squid thought his search would be over at last.

Soon Big Eel came out with a ring on his tail.
And he said, "This one came from a green Deep Sea Snail.
It's a ring, as you see, and it's purple, and bright,
And I'll give it to you if you give me a light."

The Squid flung up his arms and cried, "When will it end?
I'm perfectly happy to help out a friend
But I've traveled the sea for the sake of a dream
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream!"

Big Eel squirmed and wriggled, then gave a shrug too
(A very hard thing for a Big Eel to do!)
Then at last gave a sigh, and he said, "Very well,
I will give you the ring, so now go get your shell."

The Squid thanked Big Eel and swam off with the ring
And the Dolphin was so pleased she started to sing!
And the Crab overjoyed at the beautiful shell
That the Squid had brought back for poor Great Auntie Mel.

The Squid spun and danced, and he shouted, "Hooray!"
When he saw that the bell had been taken away.
Then he went to his shell, and prepared for his dream
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream.

But something was strange. Something wasn't quite right.
His shell never looked like this during the night.
So the Squid looked around in the middle of yawning
And with a shock saw it was already morning!

So if you go to the ocean one bright sunny day,
And you find a blue Squid safely hidden away
Just tiptoe away, and leave him to his dream
Full of Squids, and of Dolphins, and Lots of Ice Cream!

I know I'm late asking, but can we have an extension?  I was very ill the last few days and only just recovered 

I'm about half done with mine. My mother-in-law has been staying with us for the past week, so I've been looking after her instead of writing. She's going home to Tateyama today  , so I should make the deadline