Messages

[RANCOR]

No, a RANCOR, like Jabba the Hutt has!  Teedee Jedi!  Teedee Jedi!

It wouldn't matter how many armed men there were, if we'd just build that damn trap door!

>>Ask LANCELOT if he's willing to TRAIN, with his choosing, of any able bodied TOWNSFOLK that OFFER their services to be GUARDS.
Also ask LANCELOT'S advice on finding trustworthy HEROES.

+1

(actually I modified it into one command, so that the dungeon-master doesn't get all WHAM on us and only run the first line. )

I too am intrigued by Robina.  But I think you guys are overreacting in the security department.  Yes, Kevin was a bit of a hot-head, and no doubt we'll have to murderously devise his doom later on, but he's really all just piss-and-wind, running his mouth to appear the big man in front of his posse.  Boys will be boys...  Now, were Robina to accost us physically and have her way with us, well....  As I say, do we really need that much protection? 

In all seriousness, warriors who come into our presence seem to assume a right to bear arms, as was the custom in olden times (indeed, the right of nobility to the present day), so I think we might be fighting an uphill battle on that front.  I think, for the time being, we have nothing to worry about, as Lancelot seems to have calculated all of the outcomes and posted guards to be at the ready.  This attempt on our person has merely affirmed my faith in his abilities.  Our priority now should be to get him more reliable people (as voted above), and then turn our attentions to other audiences. 

I've got to go with the consensus here.  I agree with Radiant's position that the exploration program needs to move forward, and I even think that expendable little twerps like Sir Kevin would be the ideal dragon fodder warriors-in-training to do it.  But the "upstart king" comment is indefensible, so I agree with Ryan that putting up with that would seem weak.  Tibatonk's suggestion of beheading him would serve as a good example to others that we are to be respected at all times, but it would be disproportionate to the offence.  I say we ream him out aloud for his impudence and send him on his way.   

Quote from: Tibatonk on Yesterday at 20:09
    >Tell Sir Kevin that we are not looking for a mercenary who is out to serve his own interests but for a true knight who is dedicated from his heart to serve both the realm and its lord as owed to the code of chivalry. A man who lives for honor and glory and not for money alone. And a man who seeks challenge and not refuses it.

+1

>> order Lancelot to train men from our town

+1 on this too, since he's standing there anyway.

I'm not going to hold Sir Kevin's inexperience against him, but I'm also not above exploiting his youthful eagerness.  I mean, we can't exactly have this guy idling his thumbs, resentful at us, with all that muscle behind him.  No, we need to harness his loyalty without needlessly spending cash.  Tell him he has to prove himself before we can accept his offer:

>> SEND SIR KEVIN & COMPANY TO SEEK OUT STRANGE STONES, EXOTIC WOODS OR THE BONES OF SOME EXOTIC BEAST TO THE NORTH; AND SHOULD HE BE SUCCESSFUL WE WILL HIRE (AND TRAIN) HIM AND HIS MEN

The Jester has already been sent to permit the next audience, so we've missed our opportunity to queue jump the audiences for now.

I've also added Sir Kevin of Axemount to our KING SIMULATOR 2013 WIKI GLOSSARY, and was quite pleased to see that our good Selmiak and Ryan Timothy have filled in all the blanks I had left.  Capital job, good sirs!

[borrow]

>Grant audition to Sir Kevin of Axemont. Ask our military advisor Sir Lancelot to stay for advice during the audition.

+1

As for the walls/palisades, I'm not sure syphoning off our precious revenue is the right approach.  Stone walls and towers are a long-term investment that will pay-off for future generations.  Since the future gets the benefits, they should also bear the cost.  I say we borrow a vast sum of money and build the walls overnight.  Since we haven't met any bankers I'm going to assume that the kingdom is financially unsophisticated, so we're probably going to have to organize this ourselves.  What we do is sell long-maturity bonds with a guaranteed interest payment of, oh let's say 5%.  This puts the people's savings, which are currently idle and benefiting no one, to work, as well as increasing the amount of money they'd have later on.  And at 5% per annum, it is perfectly affordable for us.  EVERYBODY WINS!  Who's up for a bond drive?

[charge admission]

OK, OK, OK....  Hear me out here.  We throw a royal ball -yeah, that's right -and we invite every eligible maiden to attend.  Girls go CRAZY over this princess stuff, and spend a fortune on wigs, dresses, jewellery, make-up, dieting advice, liposuction, yoga, dance lessons, delousing, dentistry, tanning, perfume, footwear, coaches, nails, manicures, pedicures, and for all I know pap-smears.  THIS COULD BE A HUGE SPUR TO THE DOMESTIC ECONOMY.  But that's not the whole of the scheme.  Neither is asking for the personal details of the attendees (ie a census), although that's a good idea too. 

No, the genius of my scheme is this: charge admission.  Yeah, that's right.  What have we got to flog besides a moth-eaten half-empty map and a fatted-calf?  Nothing but our status as the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom!  So let's cash-in on it!  What self-respecting lady of means would miss the opportunity to be Cinderella?  They're already spending bucketloads of cash to get ready for the actual ball: what's a little more to actually get into it?  And all we're selling is the dream, the faint hope that fate has crossed their stars with ours.  We don't actually have to marry any of them.  In fact, just to be sure we aren't tempted I say we dress the jester up in a dress and spend the whole evening "smitten" with him.  He runs off into the night, shedding a curly-tipped slipper, we're heartbroken and out of luck, and.... that's that.  Thanks for the cash, gals!   

We  are dealing with a dragon at least the size of a princess (with either the natural ability to breathe fire, or accompanied by other creatures with said ability, or the Pyro); dangerous but, most importantly, DEFENITELY owning treasure.

I disagree with your logic.  The dragon may well have been quite tiny, just very powerful.  Also, the chest at one point contained potion, the use of which was to "restore" the princess, which would be hard to monetize.  Now I'm not saying that dragon hunting is a bad idea; I'm just saying that it entails certain risks, and I think you are misrepresenting the potential rewards.  Do you have an actual dragon in mind that we could mug/grift?

So we're really just chasing our tail here: no money due to limited trade, but we have to spend our [limited] money to buy the seals to keep getting meagre returns on trade.  No, what we need to do is to get to the root of the problem in the kingdom, and that's revenue.  We can't afford the kind of security necessary to stop from spinning our wheels, which keeps us poor and always one step behind the problem.  It's time to be proactive, friends.  We need to raise money.  As I see it, the options are:

1) raise taxes on tariffs and trade (currently set to LOW)
2) raise taxes on land and chattels (status unknown)
3) institute a poll tax, payable by every adult (regressive, but effective)
4) sell rights or offices (mill-rights, mining rights, hunting rights, knighthoods, etc.)

It's true, higher taxes tend to breed disaffection in the populace, but so do crummy services (i.e. security).  Further, if we were to discuss our reasons for raising taxes, emphasizing the benefits to the populace, using what happened to the trader's guild as an example, I bet we could get the ratepayers to buy into the scheme.

>>SUMMON THE COUNCIL AND ASK THEM TO ADVISE ON REVENUE RAISING OPTIONS

Aw, I feel bad about not voting.  Sorry guys.  It was a thriller to read!  I had the early bird's remorse, not being able to jump in later on.  If this does become a separate activity of its own I definitely think that second submissions should be possible.  Maybe only after 3-5 other submissions, just so that one person can't hijack the story entirely, but they should be possible. 

Congrats WHAM!  I look forward to the next round.

My understanding is that Dennis just does trading, while Mandarb produces the things that Dennis might trade.  But Dennis doesn't seem to be big on taking the initiative while here is Jib, so....

Also, I've changed the venue for the KING SIMULATOR GLOSSARY, in case you feel inclined to look up who's who in a more polished format.  It's now on the AGS Wiki, so anyone can edit.  I haven't got the people & things up yet: they're on the to-do list.

>SUMMON Dennis and the town guards;

+1

You gotta lead these merchant types along.  If they suspect no sale, they move on.  The more time they invest in a sale, however, the more desperate they become.

>>TELL MERCHANT WE SHALL THINK ON IT.  THEN INVITE MANDARB TO SHARE HIS WARES WITH MERCHANT

I agree that the census is still a good idea, but we should be very specific in its design before delegating its execution.  I think Ryan could handle drafting that up for us. 

In the mean time, we are already spending 25% of our yearly revenue on defence, and may well go higher depending on who else we deem fit to hire (Heroes, notably, are much better at exploring than the guys we've got so far....).  I'm not sure raising a professional army is such a good idea, financially speaking.  HOWEVER, it probably would be a good idea to have an organized force ready in case we had to fight a sudden defensive war.  In that case, I say we start training a militia -the medieval term was fyrd: able bodied men 16-60 would owe us a month's free military service.  It costs nothing, and strengthens the social contract since the peasantry feels more trusted (since we're giving them permission to bear arms), and might even save our royal butt in a pinch.  Lancelot would probably gladly train such a force, since it shows how we intend to rule with the people and for the people (training them to fight would otherwise be very problematic).

Another thought: we really should inquire of the Jester what royal dues are owed to us besides what we get in taxes.  It'd be great if we got free labour, but other notable perks of royalty in the past have been free room and board when visiting subjects, free admission to plays, and let's not forget the ultimate perk of prima nocta.

[Edit:]

Would it be possible to have a list of people or things we know? It certainly would make it easier to know everyone's names, what positions we have filled, what positions we don't, etc. I vote Baron to keep track of this information and to host it on a site for reference. Why Baron? Well, simply because I don't want to do it and I know that my good buddy Baron is a pushover eager to help. (it doesn't have to be Baron, I jest)

Presenting the OFFICIAL KING SIMULATOR GLOSSARY.  I think I should also keep track of our finances, but double entry bookkeeping was never my strong suit....  I'll try to keep this up-to-date as the game advances, and actually link to the critical quotes I've cited, but I've run out of time at the moment.  Remember that this is just from the player's perspective and the content is for reference only: it may not be entirely accurate according to WHAM!

---
Edit: Yeah, that looks pretty ugly....  I'll get to gussyin' 'er up later on, too.

[70]

Whoa!  Slow down there, my spendthrift friends!  The whole point of seeing the merchant was that we were interested in selling him things, because raising revenue is a priority for us.  It would be extremely irresponsible, in my opinion, to spend 7-10 golds (out of 20, 5 of which are already ear-marked for Lancelot and his men) on our sixth turn of the year (which consists of 70 turns!).  It would be prudent with our current revenue stream to stick to a budget of 1 gold per day, unless there is a compelling reason (for the good of the kingdom) to spend more.  Having an armed force that could also act as both defenders and explorers fulfilled that role, so I don't begrudge Lancelot his due, but investing in magic beans is a highly speculative venture.  Medieval kings used to blow a fortune on unicorn horns and chips off the true cross, etc., but really they were just being hustled.  Do we have any way of verifying that any of these items actually work?  For that matter, do we even know if this is a magical fantasy realm?  Sure, I've heard the Jester mention dragons and the shadowy figure appeared to disappear, but have we actually seen anything that should make us believe that magic is real and therefore a wise investment?  And anyway we can't afford such extravagances at this juncture.

>>TELL MERCHANT YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT, THEN SUMMON MANDARB OF THE CRAFTS GUILD TO INQUIRE IF HE HAS ANY SPECIAL WARES TO SELL.

Alright, I just reread everything again and it's making a lot more sense.  Is anyone else thinking "Legends of the Fall" meets "Reservoir Dogs"?  I'm intrigued to see where this ends up.  Somebody write something: we're running out of time!

While I agree with Ryan about the kind of sinister "evil clown" vibe that I get from the Jester, I don't think relying on some impeccable "Hand" will be any better.  Focussing a lot of power in any one vizier is always dangerous: my preference as stated earlier would be to have a 10ish person council/cabinet through which we could rule, playing the various ministers against each other if necessary to assure our own pre-eminence.  I think the core of Ryan's issue with the Jester boils down to lack of information: but who can a king trust?  Who will speak truth to power, if not his surly Fool?  Everyone's got an agenda.  What we really need is a spymaster to snoop up on people.  And then a secret spymaster to snoop up on the actual spymaster, to make sure he's doing a good job.  And then a super secret spymaster, just to verify the results of the other two.  And they can't ever find out about each other, so that they can never compare notes.  So really we need a forth person just to conduct surveillance on the three spymasters, to make sure they're not in contact.  And then we'll need someone (Let's call him "M") to administer the whole operation, 'cause it'd be too much of a bother to deal with them each individually (that'd be, like, a whole day of meetings!).  But that creates another buffer between us and our reliable informants, so we'll need at least another loyal set of eyes to spy on "M".  No, actually make that two sets of eyes, so that we can verify their accounts....
    Or...or we could just trust the Jester until we have genuine reason to suspect him.  Then we should have him beheaded.  That's right: I play for keeps.  Nah, just kiddin'.  But I like that trap door idea.  We should definitely instruct all supplicants to stand directly on it while addressing us.
    Another thought: I'm craving steak and my informant from the farmer's guild tells me that beef has to hang for about a month to "cure" before it's really tasty.  Thirty days: that's like two game-years away!  So.... Shouldn't we get cracking on ol' Bessie in the castle garden sooner rather than later?  Just throwin' that out there.
    As for audiences, I understand the Jester's veiled warnings about visitors being peeved about waiting, but we're the bloody king of Grimdark, not a theme-park mascot!  Already we've had folks storm out....

"Oh, there are more people seeking your AUDIENCE, however one audience seeker and his retinue just left the castle grounds for some reason."

...so it's not as if the current system of first-come, first-serve is working seamlessly either.  We need a standing order for the Jester to keep the list up to date at all times.  Yes, it's a bit more tedious administration, but it'll make our lives so much easier in the long run.

>> INSTRUCT JESTER TO KEEP AUDIENCE LIST UP TO DATE AT ALL TIMES, IN ORDER TO INFORM US OF NEW ARRIVALS AND PREMATURE DEPARTURES.

Once that's completed, my inclination would be to try to work through the backlog of people waiting just to establish a baseline for the amount of folks seeking audiences: if we can't keep up then we can start to delegate (although the Jester did say at one point that there'll always be somebody).  I think we should prioritize audiences with people we need more than they need us.  So for example Sir Kevin of Axemont and his band of knights sound like they'd be handy to employ (exploration, counter-balance to Lancelot....) while a pain to piss off (rapine, pillage....).  On the other hand, the merchant from the south has travelled a long way to make a buck and isn't exactly about to storm out at the last minute if he's bumped back a bit in the queue.  Just my thoughts.  I'd even say:

>> ALSO ADMIT SIR KEVIN OF AXEMONT FOR AN AUDIENCE

...if I thought I could get a way with two commands at once, as Ryan suggested.  But that might be asking too much of the WHAM processor....  Ah, what the heck: nothing ventured, nothing gained!  Quote this:

>> INSTRUCT JESTER TO KEEP AUDIENCE LIST UP TO DATE AT ALL TIMES, IN ORDER TO INFORM US OF NEW ARRIVALS AND PREMATURE DEPARTURES.
>> ALSO ADMIT SIR KEVIN OF AXEMONT FOR AN AUDIENCE

- There is always someone here to see you, so unless you want to do something else, make sure to GRANT AUDIENCE to the next person or group in line so they can enter the throne room.

My impression is that folks who want an audience hang around for days at a time until they get to see us.  We must suppose that the castle waiting room is more comfortable than their peasant hovels....  I know it seems like a bit of a waste of an action making the list of people waiting, but for me accepting the cow was a bit of a waste of an action, and who knows how many colourful characters of dubious importance are waiting out there to bask in our valuable royal time?  Think of what tomorrow might bring without the list: Hirschel the Grasshopper Keeper will want to show off his new hop-dance, Bertram the Ditch-Digger will want us to help sort out which end of the shovel to dig with, Guthwald the Night Soil Man will want to air his grievances, Broomhilde the Over-Ripe Bloom of Yesteryear will try to cougar her way into the queenship, and Fortincock the Mad Hermit will spout his lunacy all over us!  Is that really how you want to spend your reign?
     Exploring the taverns of the town would be fun -especially in disguise!  But remember that we are currently nursing a hangover from our two-week long bender after seizing the throne, so for now I think it's best to keep it low-key.
     As for finding a queen (besides the obvious candidacy of Broomhilde the Over-Ripe....), I'm pretty sure there was some prophecy of a princess and a key....

“What is this KEY you keep singing so merrily about?” -you ask.

“In days of old, or so I'm told, this key unlocked a dungeon.
Within was held a fair princess, but a warrior a bard and a ranger broke her out, so the key's purpose was undone.
However, the tale goes, that the same key could also unlock a secret chest!
Within was hidden a powerful potion, which would keep the princess refreshed.
Alas, the chest is lost and the potion is thus gone.
Stolen by a dragon, it's guardians were left mere ash and bone.”

In the mean time, I'm all in favour of recruiting a mistress or two....

There's every likelihood that the next mysterious audience will be a qualified gardener!  Or at least an unemployed gnome....  Really, what we need is a secretary who can peek into the waiting room and compile a list of who is waiting, so that we can prioritize our audiences and make more efficient use of our royal time.  For the time being I guess the Jester can handle that:

>> ORDER JESTER TO LIST NAME AND BUSINESS OF ALL VISITORS & PETITIONERS WAITING FOR AN AUDIENCE

And then that wraps up the day, so....

>> CHILLAX FOR A BIT!

Where's his udder?  Or is his body just backwards.  Oh.....