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Fact: People have dirty mouths.  Not just talking smack, but bacteria wise.

Fact: Dogs have cleaner mouths than people, somewhat counter intuitively since they eat poop and garbage they find lying around.

Common Sense: People who kiss their dogs on the mouth have cleaner mouths than average.



Who else has had an aha moment like this?

Halfway there, peeps.  You've got exactly 7 days left to put those great ideas into words. 

Oooo, notarized.  Sweet!

There's no WAY Mandle is reading all that by the voting deadline.

Who else is feeling the call of the great outdoors?

That old thing?   It's been around at least as long as the Baron smiley.   Yup, free to use.  Frequently.

Also, there was this writing smiley, which might come in handy for this competition.... 

They were all a part of this fringe smiley movement a couple years back, but then we got tired and quit....

There's also the French cup , the sexy cup , and the apparently unfinished ultra impaler baron cup .

Wait, what's this?  The ban thread has returned!  A sinister bank of clouds rolls in across the sunny sky.  Bird song ceases!  Street dancing trails off awkwardly!  Cue evil music!  The tyrant has returned!

[Deadline for submissions is Monday August 8]

It is now the middle of summer, the most clement of seasons.  Now is the time when the common folk marvel at the temporary hospitable-ness of the wilderness and think, hey, even I could hack it out there!  Campgrounds swell with the teeming hordes, parks are overrun, and even the deepest bush is penetrated by the irrepressible enthusiasm of man.  So this is my challenge to you, Fortnwriters:

Let's Go CAMPING!





Your story can be about anything, as long as the main characters are camping in some form (i.e. not residing in a permanent dwelling structure).  So you could write about gypsies on the road, or carnies floating from town to town.  You could vote about the Roman legions on the march, or medieval merchant adventurers, or prospectors in the bush, or hunters on the hunt, or primitive humanoids dragging their motley possessions across the steppe, or American Girl Scouts playing truth-or-dare, or a refugee camp, or surveyors exploring a new land, or suburbanites running amok in nature, or pioneers, or space aliens on vacation, or ghost stories around the camp fire, or ...well, you get the idea.

Deadline for submissions is Monday August 8.  I will start voting sometime later on the 9th EDT.

I only wish I had more categories so everyone could get their share of my votes

The dancing cow speaks reason.  We need lots of categories to make voting more fun!

Submissions will be judged on the following criteria:

Best Character: the most believable/captivating/magnetic/unique character
Best Setting: the most vivid background world, or most gripping atmosphere (i.e. nature in all it's harsh reality or haunting unknowability)
Best Plot: the best organized, coherent and well-executed story with appropriate pacing, climax, etc.
Best Word Choice: the technical art of combining words in a memorable way
Best Natural Obstacle: What was the best curve-ball that nature threw at our heroes?
Most Substantive: Which story best reveals a lesson about humanity or the world around us?

Good luck to all participants!   

Thanks folks.  I was hoping by stalling that kconan would garner a few late votes: it was a really close contest, and I felt that he had put a lot more effort into his story than I had this time around.  So congratulations to kconan for almost winning!  Aw, heck, congratulations to everyone for a great collection of stories.  And also I must say that this was a fantastic round in terms of voter turn-out (last-minute votes for kconan aside).  Go FWC!

I'll have a new theme up faster than you can say "Baron Blunders Bigly By Bugling Beside Buoyant Boobies".

Hope to see everyone out again in the next exciting instalment of...


WAIT!  What about the Moo Phone?  Ponch, I need closure!

Rejoice, friends!

The despot has fallen into his own cage!  No more bannings, no more tyranny!  We're free!  FREE!!!1!

I cant post properly on mu phone.

I think Moo Phone is Ponch's area of expertise.  We'll have a technician in touch with you promptly.

Whaaat?!?  No wonder I don't have any free time any more.

Best character: Baron the Impaler (look over his head).

While my character is rather captivating, I'm pretty sure this category refers to characters in the stories....

[Best character:]

Best character:  This was a tough one, but I have to go with Sinitrena for Zarah, a complex character of conflicting motives and desires.  From my own experience it's hard to write that kind of complexity into a character in a short story, so a well-deserved vote.

Best setting: It's gotta be CaptainD for Dessert Island.  Where do I sign up for that kind of purgatory?

Best writing style / technique:  I'm going with kconan for his intricate and precise descriptions of the features of his futuristic hotel.

Most interesting last will and testament: Well, Sinitrena's piece didn't have much to do with the actual will, and Danny Boy's piece was a bit of a cliché (sorry dude, but if the Simpsons spoof it then it's already jumped the shark).  CaptainD's piece was more about making me feel hungry than communicating a character's last will.  That leaves two: kconan's concept of a living/reacting last will was novel and intriguing, while Mandle's sleuthing puzzle was both curious and compelling.  I think I'm going to have to go with kconan, because there was a greater sense of purpose (truth and vengeance) to his will than Mandle's (just money and puerile calculator jokes ).

I need voting deadlines.  I can't work without deadlines.

This is the Halfway House Thread, right?  I need to reintegrate with society by rooming with a bunch of hardened criminals that have no clue how to behave on the outside.    I'm just back from my second bit in the joint, and things got a little hairy when Ponch dropped the soap.  Do you guys do counselling or anything like that?

No, Ponch!  Don't do it!  I mean ....shit!  I posted again!

[Let's define "sucker for punishment"...]

Hey, no worries WHAMO my good man.  I've had a whole 36 hours of uninterrupted writing time, and thus can submit before the actual deadline for the first time in years.

The Legacy of Sheebor

       I, Sheebor the Ravisher, Queen of the Northern Hordes and the Boundless Dominion, Vanquisher of Empires, Destroyer of Cities, and Subjugator of Men, being of sound mind and even temper, do make, declare and publish this my last Will and Testament, hereby revoking all Wills and codicils hereto made by me.

   First, though I now tread on a different plane of existence, the precariousness of life is well known to me.  Let it be known that I am and always will be a woman of unshakable faith in the powers of the Sacred Priests of Gnarr.  Remember in life that it was I who flailed alive the unbelievers!  Now, in death, I commend myself to their care, knowing that prayers for the welfare of my soul will be unceasing in my mausoleum since they are all to be buried alive with me.

   Second, I urge my heirs not to set their bloodlust merely on the emptiness of riches and pillage, but to harness its power for the greater good of serving the gods in their many shifting and contradictory guises.  Only through the righteous and judicious use of rapine and slaughter can one expect to be not just feared but respected in the hereafter.

   Thirdly, I go to the grave with a clear conscience, knowing that the heretical followers of the demi god Thnak were harried mercilessly into the sea.  Lamentably their demi god imbued his more fanatical believers with powers of buoyancy normally reserved for corpses, but in the end the sea beasts of Shrog feasted on their flesh.  So even though it was not I, Sheebor the Ravisher, who destroyed them, I nevertheless believe my service to Gnarr was faithfully discharged.

   And now to the discharge of my estate.

   Firstly, be it known throughout the land that Sheebor the Ravisher, Queen of  the Northern Hordes and the Boundless Dominion, is dead.  I am to be mourned for 21 consecutive days, wherein the people shall sing fond songs of my barbaric exploits.  To help them remember my ways and manner, each man, woman and child older than 4 is to be chained in a line of not less than 12 souls and whipped to the beat of their songs.  Also, the people will pay an extra tax to fund the completion of my mausoleum, or, should it be already finished, to fund the gilding of all the unguilded surfaces therein.

   Second, I hereby bestow upon my eldest daughter Ephitrea the Vicious the following advice: trust is the chink in the armour of even the greatest warrior.  Beware those close behind you in line for the throne!  Remember that I was once a youngest daughter, not the eldest.  To you I leave the crown of the Northern Hordes and the Boundless Dominion.  To you will pass all my sovereign authority, real property, and chattels, but for the following exceptions:

   To my second daughter Cruellina the Vindictive I leave command of the Friggarian Horde and the Duchy of Wraithsland to maintain them.  I leave also this advice: your sister will try to kill you if you do not kill her first.  To the winner go the spoils!

   To my sister Oddrella the Impaler I leave the County of Gaunt for her maintenance in her dotage, and to that of her heirs thereafter.  I leave also to her my ageing man-harem of ex-gladiators and loin-cloth models to dispense with as she pleases.  To her I also leave my collection of antique spears gleaned from the fields of a thousand battles.  To her as well I leave my custom-made leather armour and girdle set, since she is quickly approaching my earthly body's vast girth and sagging extremities.  It does not become a princess of the blood to wear those skimpy amazon outfits at your age!  You are now the spiritual matriarch of this family and it's time to stop showing your butt-crack every time you bend down to impale someone.

   To my only surviving nephew, Oddric the Unimpaled, I give my sincerest congratulations for being the only male in this family to reach the age of maturity in many decades.  I found your choice of steel chastity belt laughable in your tween years, but I see now that there was a method to your madness.  To you I leave my fastest horse and my prized magnetic saddle.  Obviously there is no place to flee to as we women have conquered the known world, but I get a kick out of thinking of you riding endless circles just ahead of your inevitable pursuers. 

   Finally, to my cat Fluffy the Pussy Wussy I leave the Khanate of Krum, with all the revenues and martial prerogatives that go with it.  Also to her I leave my personal servants and attendants, to dispose with as she sees fit.  Also to her I leave my favourite flail, still crusted with the blood of my enemies, may she use it well.  Also to her I leave the tax minister's left hand that she enjoyed being rubbed by so much.  To her I also leave my heirloom gold-threaded curtains to scratch as she pleases.  Finally to her I leave my jester Schmearbert the Prideless, who henceforth must wear a mouse costume and flee in abject terror from Fluffy's predatory pounces.  Who's the little Pussy Wussy?  Who's that?  Coochie Coochie Coochie!

        In Gnarr we trust.  All Hail Gnarr!

I'm intending to enter after I get back from being banned.  So don't close the comp without me!

Snarky, you flatulent son of a-

[Just for that you're getting an "extra" 12 hours! (That's 24 hours from now.)]

Congratulations Cassie! 

I don't have a Steam account either....

It was a fun game; thanks for organizing Stupot!