Messages

He did.

Well, what do you think? Do YOU think I'm being sarcastic? Huh? Do ya? DO YA?!!

Stop being sarcastic, all you fuckers! You're making the sarcasm in my posts appear normal!

Quintaros:

I was pretty mad after that and felt she owed me an apology for the way she'd treated me all day.  Now, I don't care if I never get an apology…I'd just like to hear from her that she still values me.  She wouldn't even have to articulate it…just a phone call to rant about a bad day would be enough.  Alas, two weeks have gone by and this is the longest we've ever gone without communicating.

You have every right to be mad. She isn't showing any value towards you as a friend with her big rant at you.

However, you have to keep in mind that the relationship, as far as both of you being lovers go, is over.

Big mistake right here:

Histrionics followed whenever I mentioned a slight spark between me and another girl and it became clear to me that I had to let her move on before I could begin a new relationship.  So in the mean time she would go on a date, there'd be no chemistry, and she'd return to me.  I kind of liked it because it was very flattering to my ego to hear that no one else lived up to her expectations.

I'll just preface this and say that although this was a mistake, keep in mind that we all make mistakes. Even I did something similar to what you did. But I learnt from it.

The biggest mistake a guy can do is say, "I can't move on unless she does." You're an individual and, as you said, you weren't in love with her anymore. You're not tied to her in the same way when the two of you were lovers. You made the decision to break it off with her. It was dishonest to yourself believe that she still needed you as a lover. Although that gave you a sense of fulfilment (you felt like major part of her life) it had ramifications later on when she found someone else. Now you're no longer the main focus of her life. It's a huge ego-blow to a guy, which is where I think the jealousy comes from.

A thought: perhaps you felt guilty about breaking up with her that you thought the right thing to do was to stick by her. (Might not be true but just throwing a thought out there.)

Anyway, remember that patience and time help heal friendships. If you both get together again as friends down the track and you still feel mad about her rant against you, you can bring that up if it really bothers you. But keep in mind the time might give you some new perspective on it and it probably won't bother you anymore.

I suggest hanging  out more with friends -- they always help with great support and fun times. Also, meet some new people. They don't have to be potential lovers, but just go and be social with other people, especially women. Brush up on your wooing skills. Have some fun. And find fulfilment and satisfaction outside of your friendship with your ex-girlfriend. Remember, this is a chance to gain some freedom in your life.

Later, when you both feel the time is right, you can both talk and become friends again.



Kandyman:

AND now if anyone knows the best way for me to sort my shit out I'd be greatly apprecitated.

I remember when you were asking us for help about this last year. It's obvious you don't want to be in such a relationship with her and, although she appears emotionally reliant upon you, she just has to understand she needs to find someone else who can provide the same emotional reliance because you don't want to. And even though she might pick a guy who is a total dropkick, that's her decision. You have to let her make that decision.

As for you, you have to decide what you want to do. You can take responsibility for drinking too much, accept that things are difficult (they always will be) and make progress in your life. And the same advice to Quintaros also applies: hang out with friends and practise your wooing skills. Have some fun without your ex-girlfriend.



To both these guys, and to others, I just want to say: there's plenty of fulfilment in your lives in so many areas. It's just a case of finding the places where such fulfilment exists. And remember too, the special girls and boys we've dated all leave a permanant impression on us -- a small part of us still thinks about them and cares about them. We never fully forget the special ones. And that's the way it should be.



About the author of this post: Two years ago, DGMacphee went through a painful break-up with a special girl he dated for nearly three years. She broke-up with him because "the passion had gone from the relationship". Hearing this hurt DG's ego a lot.

He didn't stay and fight for the relationship. He walked away. He thought that was the best thing to do. Now he thinks he could have fought for her more because he still loved her even though she didn't anymore. Hell, go out fighting and fuck dignity.

He now thinks part of the reason why the passion disappeared is because he was self-absorbed on what his own future and career meant to him. He hated the degree he studied and didn't really focus much attention on his then lover. Took her for granted. This he regrets. The problem was that he had not only given up only her, but himself too. No wonder the passion had gone. How can a man inspire passion in a relationship when he has no passion in himself?

On the plus side, during his depression he wrote the award-winning Dada: Stagnation in Blue.

Although it was difficult and very painful, DG accepted the break-up and moved on. He tried to find fulfilment in other areas of his life.

He didn't have to worry about his career because he decided to do the best he could with his degree. He got high marks at Uni and completed his degree to honours level. Now, after accepting responsibility for the choices he has made in his life, he graduated with honours, has several high-profile jobs that he loves doing and is thinking about doing a Ph.D. He has a lot more confidence in his ability.

He also has a great network of friends who he cares about very much and has a fun hobby as a local stand-up comic.

He has had occassional flings, but nothing as long as the girl he dated two years ago. Recently he was emptying his old Uni mailbox and found her e-mail address. He was curious about how she was, so he sent her an e-mail to see how she was going. No reply.

He was still curious about how she was going and decided to do something either very brave or very stupid -- he called his ex-girlfriend's parents to see if she had changed e-mail address. Her dad told him she had a new e-mail address. She had also moved to the UK, was working very successfully...

... and had a new partner.

(Didn't mention whether it was a boyfriend or husband).

DG was a little upset about the partner. He kinda wished that it could have been him to go with her to the UK. But it didn't matter, because he was still happy with his life. Not only that, he was happy that she was doing so well. He couldn't help but smile.

And now he felt like he way ready to be friends with her, if she wanted. He is going to e-mail her soon. Find out how she is. Thank her for being one of the best friends he ever had. And say to her, "I still value you. You were one of the greatest friends ever. We might not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, but I reckon we can give it a shot as friends. I'm ready for that."

She even said the same thing in the last letter she wrote to him, just after their break-up -- "Maybe we can still be friends down the track. Maybe not immediately, but sometime."

He thinks he's ready for that now. He'll e-mail her on her new address later this week. Might as well give it a shot. At least he can say, "I tried my best to reconcile".

And who knows? Maybe he'll find someone to love. He's not in a hurry. He's having a good time.

He also likes to write About The Author blurbs in third person because he can still sometimes be a tosspot.

Good news, everyone!

Futurama... the series... not just the movies... BACK!

http://www.nypost.com/entertainment/back_to_the_futurama_entertainment_don_kaplan.htm

[can]

I've got what you could probably call a psycholinguistic method that I've found to be useful for motivation.

When in Uni, I saw a counsellor about problems I had focusing on task. My problem was not so much the motivation but the language and thought-process I was using in my head. Most of the time, when people are on task with something, they use words like "I should/shall" or "I will" or "I need to". What this does is sets you into a commitment where you feel forced into doing something. You tend to feel less freedom in regards to your actions when using language like this. For example...

"I should go for a jog today."

or

"I will call my friend today."

or

"I need to pay my bills now."

What the counsellor suggested was to think about my choices using the word "can". For example...

"I can go for a jog today."

or

"I can call my friend today."

or

"I can pay my bills now."

The word "can" I was told, indicates two things: 1) it indicates that you do recognise you have a choice in what to do, and 2) it indicates that you have control and power over your choices. In other words, you can do something if you decide to do it and it is within your control and ability to do it.

What's amazing to me in Tuomas' post is that he recognises he has a lot of choices for his holidays. The issue I see is after picking one there's a lack of motivation to stay on course. My suggestion is to keep with your decision and always remember that you can do that option, or any other option you decide, and ultimately the control over your decisions in yours. And that's a very powerful thing, I think.

Many times we get bogged down in choices, thinking that the problem is there are too many choices in life. I don't see it that way. I think it's that people are afraid to make a decision and run with it. I think all options in life are as good as others and it's basically a matter of picking just one. There are no right decisions in life, just decisions that you pick.

And of course, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind halfway through. You can do whatever you want to do. But just as long as you try to follow your decision the best you can, that's all that matters.

And remember that it's near impossible to try and complete everything we need to in life but I think we can feel proud in just getting as many things as possible completed.

This techniques seems to serve me well, so if it works for you, then that's good.

At work, I design with 800x600 screens in mind. It's a minimum standard even though most people I know use higher screen sizes.

Just another question: could a website with a fixed screen size of 1024x768 display poorly if it was viewed on, say, a PDA?

I dont' think a topic has made me lauch this hard since... well... ever.  If DG shows up, this'll be even better 

You raaaaaang?

I just want to say that I live to see the day when black people and white people can look past all their differences, move beyond all the stereotypes and understand they should be united as one.

Then we can form an army to get rid of Asians. Fuck them for eating our pets. My dog has been missing for three days and I'm blaming you, Gilbert!

Nvu is great. I echo the recommendation.

But if you want a good text editor for CSS files, get EditPlus. It does a very good colour mark-up for not just CSS styles, but html, javascript and PHP too.

or you could just use frontpage from microdollarsignoft

Yeah, I didn't even think of the German as that much of a competitor anyway.

In fact, I reckon if Laybout goes about making friends with him (but without sucking up to him), things might move along swimmingly.

In other words, don't see him as a competitor, but an opportunity to get to know one of you girlfriend's friends (thus bringing you closer to your woman). And allow him the chance get comfortable with you around.

Ask him if he's got a good recipe for Bratwurst or something.

Then the three of you can sit down to a nice meal of Bratwurst together and chat about old times.

Bratwurst heals the world.

my fist is going to have a personal relationship with your face you son of a bitch

How about I just write a 12-page essay on the many, many reasons why Dr Cox is a better doctor than House and staple it to your forehead so you'll always have a copy to read every single second of the day?

It's cause Dr Cox is a better doctor than House, Newbie.

I thought you we being absolutly serious DG... I went looking all over the post and on his website looking for the title and more information before my brain started working and i realised it was a joke... *evil glaring face at being tricked*

I'm 17 Days a Jokester.

You could if you actually talked to me and not down to me while telling me things that I've already stated.

["And when the time is right, you both can then be honest with each other and tell each other why you like each other."]

If things fall apart before they even start because people are shielding themselves from being hurt to a degree, then the timing wasn't right. Timing is important too. You can't just sidestep people's lives because I LOEV YOU LOL, it takes the maturity to know that even when things could work out to a good effect, sometimes you must not press the issue because of the timing. So this I LIVE MY LIFE ONE DAY AT A TIME I NEVER MISS CHANCES might be your thing, and great, but it's tyrannical to make other people live by it just because they at the moment like kissing you.

You're missing my point. I'm not saying he should go out and buy her a billion roses as an expression of his deeper emotional something or another blah blah blah. I'm saying he should be honest to himself about how he feels. I'm not saying for him to force the girl at gunpoint to obey his whims. And note, I did say earlier on: "And when the time is right, you both can then be honest with each other and tell each other why you like each other."

Besides the obligation to yourself to be 'true' there's an obligation to the other person to treat them like another person, with different outlooks to life and desires and plans.

Well, duh. I did say that he should value her and time together. Do you actually read my posts or just skim through and find the best bits?

of all people

what are we, of all people?

Computer geeks. Fuck, man, don't you even read the thread titles either??

Jesus, Helm. Get with the program.

tentative title: 11 days a rodeo clown

There is no point in me investing a great deal of emotional energy into something that may never be.

I disagree. I think you're throwing up a block here to stop yourself from the possibility that you might get hurt. I say this because you don't know if it will or will never be. Hell, it might turn out to be something great if only you DID invest emotional energy into it. No one knows. You might as well take a chance.

You obviously feel something about her strong enough to write to us, of all people, for advice. So, take a chance with her. Value her and the time you spend with her.

And you're human so don't block your emotions. Let them flow and enjoy them. Denying them is not being honest with yourself. And her.

[Why]

I just want to know her feelings on everyhting between us, so if its not going to be, I don't get too involved. I really like this girl, and would like to have a proper relationship with her if possible.

No way, dude. Get involved. Risk it. If she's that important for you to start a thread asking for advice from us geeks, you have to be confident in your ability as a guy to take a chance, to take a leap, and risk being hurt.

And even if things don't work out, it doesn't make you any less of a man. You can just use your confidence to get back up and try again. It's all we can do. No problem with that.

But before you do anything else, let me ask a question about something you haven't really said much about: Why do you care about her so much? What are the things about her that you like so much that you are thinking you want to be with her right now more than any other girl? What is it that she does or believes in that makes you attracted to her more than any other girl?

And don't just invent reasons why. They got to be honest reasons. Straight from your heart. And not just about looks either. What do you like about her personally? Why does such attract you?

In essense, I'm saying that I know that you care about her, but why?

My problem is, i've gotten far too attached to her within a short time.

That isn't a problem. But you have to honestly know why you're attracted to her in the first place. You can be honest with yourself here.

I mean, really, asking us for advice on what to do with her is pointless because, in the end, the only person who can answer what you're looking for is you.

Once you answer that, being confident in terms with where you stand with her is no problem. I'm sure she has her reasons why she's attracted to you. And when the time is right, you both can then be honest with each other and tell each other why you like each other.

And most important, don't rush things. Enjoy the moment and her company (which I'm guessing you're already doing). Have fun with her. Don't be so focused on the result. Like the cliche goes, "It isn't destination that's important... It's the ride along the way."

Same thing I do now: sleep with gorgeous Brazilian supermodels and drive my sportscar that can turn into a robot.