Messages

Medication!

You feeling alright?

That didn't stop her from sucking.

You know, that script WOULD make a crap great indy game! I dare somebody...

Just change all the names! Nobody would ever guess they were Indy characters anyway!

We're OVER, Sponge. OVER.

*Slap*

I'd like a version of Maniac Mansion made whereby I cannot get fucking stuck in 2000 different ways, but that is just me, apparently.

Oh Bill Gates, you sexy, sexy man.

Eid is a feast. It happens at the end of the pilgrimage to Mecca, where some animal is sacrificed and the meat distributed as gifts to family and friends. It is also an excellent reason to party

Oh, the poor animal! Why does every party include the ritual slaughter of some poor innocent animal? Yes, and Christmas too! Turkeys and Geese! You bastards!

Happy Eid!

Oh. Sounds... average.

UTVip connection status:

Connection Status: Connected
Connection Speed: 44.0 Kbps
Connection Comments: Fuck you!

I'm sure somebody asked me to go to that goatse site but I don't think I did. What was it about?

Jimmy Vales: XMas gifts aren't easy...

...Depends on what the gift is, doesn't it?

My name is so unique, both my real one and my nickname (Yufster) and probably Indiana Psychonaut too... so unique that if you google them, you get bunches and bunches of meaningless shit from years ago about me!

Squinky, you are cute as a cat. Or mouse?

Oh man, while you bastards were living it up and eating fine caviar at the awards ceremony, I spent the day at work feeling sick and then when I got to my moms work after she picked me up, I got sick, all night, really bad, and now I'm home and still sick, and I can't eat, and I feel woozy, and my head hurts and I just learned that they stopped showing Young Indy on TV where I live, on the first sunday that I have ever gotten to stay home and watch young indy, and now I feel even crappier and I think I'm gonna vomit onto the keboajsdtojpp;aaaggghhhhhrrg

"...I have Big Boobs, eh, Short Round?"

I think it's really funny the way Indy is constantly referred to as a child molester/paedophile in that script.

EDIT: And she lived in a crate and ate bananas for three weeks to survive.

Just finished work, now I'm at moms work, and I can't load mirc on her computer, but I AM WISHING I WAS THERE!

I liked the scripts for Raiders and Last Crusade, and there were pieces of Temple of Doom I liked.

For anybody that doesn't feel like reading an entire movie script, I wrote a summary of the entire movie script which is, unfortunately, quite honest.

Ha ha ha.

Beat this.


                                       BETSY
                       Dr. Clarke says that you're not
                       really in love with me. You're just
                       trying to prove that you can still
                       attract younger women. You're
                       terrified of getting old.

                                       INDIANA
                       That's crazy.

                                       BETSY
                       That's what I told her. I told her
                       that you really did love me.

                                       INDIANA
                               (fumbling)
                       Well...that's...ah...well...

                                       BETSY
                               (worried)
                       You mean... She was right?...

                                       INDIANA
                       No... I mean Yes... I mean...

       Indy TURNS, seeing Clare GLARING at him. Indy SIGHS. PAUSES. He gives
       Betsy a TENDER, HONEST look.

                                       INDIANA
                       No, Betsy. I don't love you.

                                       BETSY
                               (tears fill her eyes)
                       That's the first time you ever said
                       it!

       Betsy begins CRYING. Into Clare's ARMS. Indiana SHAKES his head. Clare
       COMFORTS Betsy.

                                       CLARE
                       There. There. He's a very disturbed
                       man.

       Indiana SIGHS. He TURNS. FACE to FACE with a GRINNING and NODDING
       Gutterbuhg.


ALL THE WHILE IN THE INTIMIDATING AND RIDICULOUS PRESENCE OF THE TWO ANTAGONISTS, WHILE BEING HELD PRISONER BY THEM!!!

Oh it gets worse:

                                       BETSY
                               (holds her head in pain,
                               to Clare)
                       Hey, lady...you're s'posed to be a
                       Doctor...you got any cures for a
                       hangover?...

                                       CLARE
                       The best I've heard was used by a
                       New Zealand Tribe...
                               (pauses, thinking)
                       One part crushed owl skull...two
                       parts rhino saliva...one part zebra
                       dandruff.

       Betsy's face becomes PALE. Indy INTERRUPTS.

                                       INDIANA
                       No, No... Get a cup of donkey sweat
                       ...two spoons of skunk hair...and
                       one pint of shredded lizard tongue.

       Betsy turns a light shade of GREEN. Scraggy ARGUES.

                                       SCRAGGY
                       I always use family cure! Two spoons
                       chopped leeches... Half cup horse
                       mucous...two quarts crocodile urine!

                                       BETSY
                               (ready to throw up)
                       Ex...cuse...me...!

       Betsy runs OFF SCREEN. The others exchange a SHRUG




You wouldn't see crap like that in Looney Tunes.

I was reading the dead script for Indy IV. It's written by Chris Columbus (Goonies, Harry Potter, Mrs Doubtfire). Now, ordinarily you might think, "Hey, it's probably alright!" but no. It's not. It's really not.

We were having a laugh about this on IRC it's so bad. I mean real bad.

You have to read it.

Really.

It's called "Indiana Jones and the Monkey King."

Not joking.

Indy goes in search of a Monkey King. He is followed by one of his students who is obsessed with him. She secretly follows him for three weeks, as she hides in a banana crate, eating only bananas to stay alive. Then she leaps out when he reachs shore, and proceeds to kiss a fish, mistaking it for Indy.

And I don't want to spoil the end, but I'm going to anyway: Indy kisses a gorilla and the Monkey God tells him he watches his exploits from heaven and thinks he's awesome.

Here are some CHOICE EXCERPTS:



The Gorillas, still dressed as NAZIS, continue to DRIVE THE TANK



                                       INDIANA
                       What's that got to do with my
                       personal life?

                                       CLARE
                       Evidence. I plan on testifying at
                       your child molestation trial.




SUN WU KUNG COMES TO LIFE! He is UNLIKE anyone or anything we have ever seen. HALF-HUMAN. HALF-HONKEY. His face is covered with WRINKLES. His wide eyes are COAL BLACK. PROBING. WARM. When he smiles, it is  DEVILISH, but incredibly CHARMING. His movements are PERKY. QUICK. An extremely ADORABLE little fellow. Instantly LOVABLE. But there is a STRONG, POWERFUL presense about him. He is indeed, a HEAVENLY FIGURE.



Quote the Villain: No...jail...can...hold...me!!!



Indy is suddenly INTERRUPTED by a HARD SLAP to his face. He LOOKS UP.
       A beautiful, blonde student, REBECCA, stands over his desk. She
       SCREAMS. FURIOUS.

                                       REBECCA
                       Two-timing bastard!

       Indiana RUBS his jaw. STARTLED. Rebecca CONTINUES.

                                       REBECCA
                       How could you?!?... My own
                       Mother?!?... In my own bed?!?...
                               (slaps him again)
                       I've had it with you! It's over!




                                       GUTTERBUHG
                       Goodbye, Doctor Jones.

       Gutterbuhg TURNS to the guards. Ready to give them the ORDER...to OPEN
       THE CAGE and SET THE BUFFALO FREE! Indy suddenly SCREAMS.

                                       INDIANA
                       Heil Hitler!

       Upon hearing the words, Gutterbuhg STANDS. Like a ROBOT. He RAISES his
       mechanical arm in a "Heil Hitler" POSE.

                                       GUTTERBUHG
                       Heil Hitler!

       The FINGERS of Gutterbuhg's mechanical arm get CAUGHT IN THE METAL
       GRATING ABOVE HIS HEAD! Gutterbuhg TRIES TO REMOVE his fingers. NO
       GOOD. STUCK. Gutterbuhg PULLS. HARD. His mechanical arm is RIPPED FROM
       ITS SOCKET! It DANGLES from the grating.



Some stuff that AGSers had to say:




<OsUltimo> they could of least made him search for atlantis, or something good... but a fucking monkey?

<Yufster> His mechanical arm appears to react to the words, "Heil Hitler" and automatically does the pose
<OsUltimo> why the fuck would you have it so others can say it and it goes up?
<OsUltimo> thats fucking stupid!


<OsUltimo> why does HE HAVE so MANY words in UPPERCASE, IVE never SEEN so MANY UPPERCASE words in A SCRIPT before...
<DragonRose> Because he is EXCITED about the MARVELOUS DESCRIPTIONS that HE is WRITING
<Squinky> is this all one movie?
<DragonRose> Unfortunatly, yes!
<Yufster> Yes!
<Squinky> jesus christ



<OsUltimo> immortal peaches? wtf?!


Read the script here. Leave your comments here. We're having a laugh; you should be too.