Messages

Have you seen The Producers? I'm not sure if Leo was gay or what, but their relationship was really, really sweet. I know it was a comedy, but I found their friendship touching.

I don't think Leo was supposed to be gay, at least. I guess he did come across as a little sexually insecure at certain points. But what he had for Max seemed to be a real love. The only time it seemed a little sexual was when Leo started stroking his jacket while apologising to Max at the end... I seriously thought they were going to kiss.

Anyway, I don't understand the controversy. It seems completely trivial. To me, anyway. I haven't played Gabriel Knight though.

[Guy:]

Guy: Uh, Sir, the idea of using dialogue to mock people and spread lies and  propaganda has spread. At least two people are now doing it.
Tim Burton: Excellent! Recruit them immediately.

Nice Timing, too.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=14&u=/ap/20050220/ap_on_he_me/aids_list_e_mail

Oh, but why should LGM envy my boobs?

[Tim Burton:]

I say that only because it has nothing to do with how the movie was conceived

WELL YOU DON'T SAY. I even had myself fooled there for a second! Goddamn internet rumours! Especially when you start them yourself, they're the most confusing, because you're slightly more inclined to believe them.

MEANWHILE!

Tim Burton: Some kid has been spreading lies on the internet. They say she was mocking the conception of the movie. Apparently she insinuated that, to come up with the idea for this movie, I took a piss on your face, and that I hadn't read the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory books, and that we are trying to fob off Dali's old lady so she won't appose our shit back story. She tried to pass this off as fact! And by gum, she was almost successful!

Guy: I don't think anybody would believe that's how we came up with... I mean, any movie concept... little far fetched... even for the likes of Gothika...

Tim Burton: And then she said that we're trying to outdo Gene Wilder, and that Gene Wilder is Jewish!

Guy: But, sir... ah...

Tim Burton: Here it is! Take a look at this! She's making me out to be some kind of fool!

Guy: ...She tells it like it is, sister.

Tim Burton: Anyway, let's discuss the casting of this magnificent new movie! You know what I think? I think they were too soft back in the 70's. You know who they really wanted for the role of Wonka?

Guy: Fred Astaire?

Tim Burton: No, Fred Astaire. But they didn't try hard enough. They gave up. Like girls, girls with not very much will power. So the next thing they knew, they were stuck with that other fellow.

Guy: Gene Wil--

Tim Burton: Gene Wilder. I was looking through the audition files from 1970, for inspiration. I mean, I already know Depp is the one, but I just like to gloat about how much better looking he is than that other fellow.

Guy: Gene Wilder?

Tim Burton: You know who I would have cast?

Guy: Fred Astaire?

Tim Burton: No... Johnny Depp! Ha ha ha!

Guy: Hilarious, Sir.

Tim Burton: But seriously, you know who I would'a picked? Check out this guy here. Audition Files of 1969-1970 for Quaker Oats company. Perfect, ain't he?

Guy: Gene Wilder?

Tim Burton: No, Jerome Silberman! Look where I'm pointing! See?

Guy: Uh...Ã,  I see...

Tim Burton: Wonder why they turned him down? Must've been one of those there Paedophiles. Oh, which reminds me. Let's talk about the plot. I got a great new idea!
[/list]

[Tim Burton:]

I am horrified, disappointed, angry, bitter, resentful, frustrated and repulsed by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. What a nasty-looking movie. Tim Burton is a wanker that got lucky a couple of times, and Johnny Depp looks like small children imagine paedophiles to look. I hate everything. I also hate especially the idiotic, retarded back story that Wonka has in the movie.

Tim Burton: Oh man, I just watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That movie was too sappy. It strayed too far from the original book. I hate David L. Wolper, the children are ugly, and Gene Wilder has a Jewish Nose.

Guy: Uh, I... I think... I mean, sir... Gene Wilder is Jewi--

Tim Burton: I think we should make a new movie. Only we'll stick to the book.

Guy: Actually, uh, Sir... I was thinking we could explore deeper into Willy Wonka's mysterious past, and his father could be, like, a Dentist. Because that would be funny. Willy Wonka's father is a Dentist? Wonka? Sweets?

Tim Burton: I love it! Throw that in somewhere.

Guy: But I thought you were sticking to the book?

Tim Burton: We'll stick to the book, AND explore Wonka's mysterious past in dentistry, under the guise of sticking to the book in order to better the Original Movie.

Guy: But didn't... didn't you say that...

Tim Burton: Yes? What did I say? SPIT IT OUT!!!

Guy: Um, well it's just that... you said the... you didn't like the way the old movie was Sappy, so... investigating the relationship Willy Wonka has with his estranged father... who forbade him sweets as a child... well, that's... you know... could be emotional.

Tim Burton: Nonsense! Just because we're exploring an emotional and crucial period of the childhood of Willy Wonka involving his estranged family, doesn't mean we have to bring any feeling in to the movie, or make him any different from the character of the book!

Guy: But the character... the book Willy Wonka was...

Tim Burton: I don't care about the book Willy Wonka! Hey, why are you covered in piss?

Guy: No I'm n-- Mr Burton! Please! My new suit!

Tim Burton: Ahhh. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. Who can we cast to better Gene Wilder?

Guy: Sir, Gene Wilder is dearly loved and respected by many people across the world. Perhaps we should try... you know, maybe... we should try to avoid bettering him, as much as creating a different enterpretation, so as not to rival him?

Tim Burton: Excellent idea! Tell the magazines we are definitely not trying to outdo the jew. Now, back to casting; we need somebody that will redefine Willy Wonka to children across the world; somebody who shall replace Gene Wilder in the memories of Children everywhere. Guy, have you read the Roald Blyton books?

Guy: Roald Dahl? Charlie and the... yes, yes.

Tim Burton: Excellent! What's Wonka like in it?

Guy: Well, I guess... you need somebody uh, somebody... whimsical, magical, with crazy hair and --

Tim Burton: Johnny Depp!

Guy: Yes! I mean, no. What?

Tim Burton: Come on! Think of Edward Scissorhands!

Guy: But--

Tim Burton: And then we could put a paedophilic twist on it!

Guy: I don't--

Tim Burton: Excellent! Quickly, I have to pitch this to the big guys before the Widow changes her mind! Give me the gist of the books, and let's roll!

Guy: I haven't read the books in twenty years, sir.

Tim Burton: I don't need your life story. What do you remember?

Guy: Well, there were kids, and --

Tim Burton: Excellent! [/list]

Alright, but I think I'd better talk this over with your parents first.

[Peter:]

You know what? Life is full of shit. Absolutely full of it. Which is why you have to make fun of it. If I found out I had AIDs, I would try to turn it in to a funny story. Because the great thing about stuff like that is, you can say the most awful, awful, wicked stuff, and people laugh because you're being funny, but then they feel horrible that they laughed because you also are suffering. So you can get them to do pretty much anything you want for you, after that.

I mean, any time anything horrible happens to me, I make a funny story out of it. I nearly died in a car crash once, quite recently, and when I told people they just laughed at me. Oh, one or two people said, "I hope you are okay". Polite people. But most people thought it was hilarious. And then I would start crying and they'd feel awful. Except for everybody at Idle Forums, they just laughed. Fuckers!

Or, for a lesser example; http://timisgod.mixnmojo.com <-- the latest update there. I didn't like my Dad telling me about Gene Wilder having sex. I don't like my Dad. But then when people say, "Ha ha, Gene Wilder having sex, that's great!" I start crying and then they feel bad. You see? You see the genius in that? They thought I was being funny, and then I start crying, and they think they must be wicked, evil people that enjoy the suffering of others. Which is true, anyway.

So, even in the incredibly unlikely event that you do have it, think of it as something like this:

Peter: While I was at the Doctor, an old lady fell over and smashed her face on the ground, it was hilarious!
Everybody: Ha ha ha ha!
Peter: Jesus Christ, I have AIDs, you fuckers![/list]

Similarly, since you don't have AIDs (or so your parents told me over the phone earlier on), the conversation could also work like this:

Peter: I got my test results back today. I don't have AID's!
Everybody: Hurray!
Peter: But while I was in the waiting room an old lady fell over and smashed her face on the ground, you fuckers![/list]

Yes.

Ohhh let ME talk to your parents on the phone, let ME do it! I swear to god they'll love me! Oh god let ME do it! I love talking to parents!

A keeper confirmed that the male couples had adopted rocks which they were guarding like eggs in their caves.

Ha ha! Stupid Penguins!

The zoo has said that it will try again in Spring 2006, because the penguins are an endangered species and need to be encouraged to breed.

Homophobes!

Oh, I thought you were saying you were going to get tested for AIDs because you were gay. My bad.

P.S. Schoolyard Cheese is that mouldy, plastic-tasting stuff that bad children get in their lunches.

I don't have spider senses and if I did, it would freak me out a bit. But nonetheless, they would probably be telling me you don't have it.

I thought he meant locked. Because every time I come here there are a billion locked threads, and all the good ones... alright, there are no good ones. But the ones that people tend to read are at the bottom of the page. So I thought he was saying that threads should go straight to the bottom when they are locked.

And then they should get tested for AIDs.

omg I proved positive I was not aware that I was gay. omg.

"Pinned"?

Oh, what, shit, everybody is getting tested for AIDs? Where the hell have I been all this time?! I don't want to be unpopular. I want to get tested too. Where do I get tested for AIDs?

You're getting a HIV test?

What?

Nastassja Kinski!

The Penny Arcade forums are horrible.

Hey, you're allowed blame god for stuff. Last I heard, it's only the Pope that's infallible.

Besides, if god is at risk of being proven wrong, perhaps whacky hijinks will ensue, like in that delightful movie Dogma! You gotta admit, that was a great movie, and Ben Affleck was totally hot in it (for once). So get with the blaming god, because I like that movie.

Once (and this is the complete 100% truth) my cellular phone rang and it set off a fart machine.