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Nice lemmings! Man, that brings back some sweet Amiga memories!

Anyhoo, here's my Cantina Alien. I wanted to do something like the Zando-Zan assassin from The Last Starfighter, but instead it turned into The Creature From The Black Lagoon. Oh well, I'm sure the CGI guys can fix it in post-produtcion.

Don't be jealous of my invisible trophy! It's awesome!

Thanks, Peder!

Thanks, guys! It was a fun topic and I can't wait to subject you all to a merciless reign of tyranny very soon. And rest assured, i shall display my new trophy proudly!

Happy b-day, Grundy!

A disk notcher?!? But that would make my factory-spec'd single-sided disk into some sort of pirate hacker double-sided disk!! What kind of leet warez madness is this? Have you been reading those antisocial postings on the BBSs again? Probably one of those forchans I've heard about on the news!

I vote keep. A tasteless joke every now and then cleanses the palate. 

I dare you to make that 8" floppy, Ponch.

Are you crazy? At this scale, that would make that 40x40 sprite something close to 43x43! That's too much to ask of anybody! 

Best setting: Baron's bar.
Best character(s): Mandle for FutureMandle.
Best plot: Babar. Thanks to his teaching, I'm sure to win every FWC from here on out (assuming no one else read his story. Otherwise, a universe-destroying paradox should happen within a fortnight!)
Best style/word choice: Kconan for the word "mash." I would have used "pound" or "hammer". Mash is just a funnier word. Good choice.
Best implementation of newfound knowledge: Baron. I've made extensive flashcards of all the information he provided. I can't wait to try it out this weekend.  (I would have given this to Kconan, but he forgot the most important part of being a drummer -- yes, even more important than the drumstick finger twirly move -- and that's to have no loyalty whatsoever. Play for whoever pays you. Every drummer is a mercenary!)

I'll see Danvzare's outdated cassette tape and raise him one 5 1/4" floppy disk!

I'd post the even larger 8" floppy, but that would be too much old school to handle. 

I hope Hobo comes across some outdated computers on his adventure, because this disk contains a whopping 360 kilobytes of freeware Oceanspirit Dennis assets!

Baron, I've never written a screenplay before, but I think I did a pretty good job. Was it too convincing? Is that not how Hollywood works?

And, yes, that is Ray in his sweet ride! 

All the best ideas are JJs! 

[J.J. Abrams presents Disney's Indiana Jones and the quest search for the famous (secular) thing.]

I don't know much about JJ Abrams and he doesn't know much about coherent storytelling. This is my best attempt to put myself inside his head. (If you love hs work, please excuse me for being a grumpy old man) 


J.J. Abrams presents Disney's Indiana Jones and the quest search for the famous (secular) thing. [Working title]
(Focus group testing requested we change the word "quest" to something less gay "elf-y")


We open on a steamy jungle that's half Florida and half CGI Panama or somewhere that's cool looking but a pain in the ass to shoot. Maybe we can film part of this in front of some potted ferns and a blue green screen and just CGI in the rest. Let me know what ILM decides. Also, it's snowing in the jungle because sometimes that happens right? If not, it'll still look cool.

We slow zoom in on two figures trudging through the thick, humid jungle. The hero follows close behind the sidekick, who is busy hacking at vines and icicles and stuff with his machete, which makes lightsaber sounds as he swings it.

The hero wears a scarf and goggles and Han Solo's parka from Empire Strikes Back. This is our reveal of Indy, which is a groundbreaking performance using Chris Pratt's body with Ford's face MoCapped on which pretty much looks right but still sort of creepy. ILM assures us that this CGI face will give more of a shit about acting than Ford does. Just poking out from the edge of the big hood of the parka is his hat. He has to have the hat. There' s no character without the hat. It's iconic. Make sure the sidekick has a hat just like it too. With the Disney marketing machine behind us, maybe we can bring men's hats back into fashion. Hell, I made Star Trek a blockbuster again, so anything is possible. [Note to self: Be sure my agent gets me a cut of the profit on this thing. I need a smaller yacht to tow behind my bigger yacht. Suck it, Wes Anderson!]

"How much longer?" Indy asks because it's been almost a minute since the movie started and we have to let the audience know that Indy is bored by all this setup too, just like they are.

"Should be just up ahead," the sidekick says. Sidekick should be played by Billy Dee Williams' face because he's a nice guy and needs the work. But he doesn't get around as well as he used to so paste his face on somebody else's body. Kevin Hart? Or is he too short? Since we'll be using Pratt instead of the old and stooped Ford, he probably is too short. How about Chris Tucker? He could probably use the work too. Rush Hour was a while ago. (Note to self: Rush Hour! I hadn't thought about that movie in years. Talk to Brett Ratner about doing the sequel to this movie. He's good at phoned-in sequels and god knows I only like to set up franchises. Sticking around after to shepherd them along is just too much work boring.)

"Good. I'm getting tired of walking," Indy says, because working to accomplish goals is dumb. We have to get from scene to scene as quickly as possible. We don't have a lot of story to tell, but that's no reason to dwell on it.

"Here we go," says Sidekick. He points with his machete to a big, scary cave tunnel entrance thing. The Beastie Boys scary music plays.

"Now we can get on with this very important quest search," says Indy. Again, we have to let the audience know Indy wants to get right to the action. In fact, let's have a big flock of bats or something come shooting out of the cave right towards our heroes. Use shaky cam to hide the lackluster CGI. That way we can save some money for my yacht the big action scene at the end.

"It was your idea to come here," says Sidekick.

"(Insert quip here)," quips Indy. [Note: Get Carrie Fisher Patton Oswalt to punch up this dialogue.]

They enter the cave and leave their parkas and snowshoes and mosquito netting by the door. We can now see Indy in his proper Indy outfit. The parka variant will make a cool action figure so we had to have it in the movie.

This place is a surprisingly well-lit cave tunnel. All the torches lining the way are already lit to save time watching Indy use matches or whatever. And these are magic torches I guess so there are lots of lens flares. Indy has to shield his eyes from all the lens flare in the dark tunnel.

"I can barely see anything," says Sidekick.

"Give it a minute. Your eyes will adjust," Indy says, giving the audience enough time to deal with all this spectacular lens flares in the dark theater.

"Ok. I can see now," says Sidekick.

Quick montage of exciting exploring stuff. Cave snakes. Death traps. Underground hornets. Jawas. All that stuff. We pack an entire adventure into this montage. That way we only have to film bits and pieces of it. The video game adaptation can fill in the rest. (Can we get that on the Playstation? I'm not a fan of the new Xbox. And can we get it in Lego? I love the Lego video games!)

"Look! There's a door. But it needs a puzzle solved before it will open for us," says Sidekick. We need to hurry this shit up. This script is taking way to long to get to the big action finale.

Indy studies the puzzle super quick. He uses a bag of sand or a charcoal rubbing or whatever to figure it out. Maybe he can use a packet of Lipton Cup-A-Soup to solve this because product placement pays well and I really liked MacGyver as a kid. Has anybody rebooted MacGyver yet? Maybe I can get in on that. I freaking loved that show as a kid so I'd be a perfect fit to be the showrunner but only if I can make it more like the Bionic Man and less about a MacGyver because I liked the Bionic Man a lot more.

The big door in the wall (or would floor be better? Yeah, let's go with floor) opens and Indy lowers himself down with a rope made of flags (Another callback! Genius!).

"I'll stay up here," says Sidekick, leaving the movie and never appearing again and saving us a ton of money on residuals and stuff.

"Good idea," says Indy, looking up at the big door in the ceiling, with lots and lots of lens flare shining down on him. (Remember: Indy is in the part of the cave that's below the floor door. Make sure we get a cool, swoopy establishing shot so the audience doesn't get confused).

Indy goes off into the darkness, lit only by the blinding flare of his classic Zippo lighter, because those things are fucking iconic, right?

Suddenly someone attacks. Indy is a great fighter, but he's no match for the petite little woman who easily kicks him around with her amazing kung fu wirework.

Looking up from where he lies on the ground, defeated by this strong woman, Indy looks shocked and happy (assuming the CGI team can handle two emotions at once. We don't want to risk another smug/cruel Peter Cushing moment, am I right?).

"Love Interest! What are you doing here? " he says.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Love Interest responds, hanging a lantern on this poorly developed plot twist so now we don't have to address it again.

Love Interest should be played by whichever starlet is hot right now. Preferably someone new. That will save us some money! Who is the new Jennifer Lawrence? And will she work for scale?

"Let's go," Indy says. Love Interest is now along for the ride a vital and strong presence in the script and not someone who ever needs to be rescued or helped in any way.

"Are you sure?" Love Interest asks, hinting at a past without actually providing boring details, because that's how backstory should work.

"Pretty sure," Indy says, making another callback. [This is a weak callback, I know, but remember how nerds love to pick apart every little thing to make YouTube videos out of. Top 10 Things You Missed About Hit Movie and stuff like that].

"Follow me," Love Interest says because she's empowered and Indy is sharing this adventure with her now.

They have another montage filled with cave dangers and ruins and stuff and also lots of flirty looks and sexual tension but not any actual sex because I'm trying to be the next Steven Spielberg and if he never had any sex in his movies then neither will I.

They find a big underground waterfall, with lots of palm trees and stuff growing at the bottom of the cave. They jump down and the camera wooshes around and stuff like in one of those Mountain Dew commercials from the 90s because retro always sells and its time for 90s nostalgia, am I right? Both of them run around for the rest of the movie with wet shirts and slicked back hair. (Use CGI to hide her nipples and enhance his. Otherwise it's sexist fan service or something. I'm not clear on it, but I know we don't need hashtags chasing us all over the internet).

Another action scene happens here. And Indy punches it. Indy always looks good punching things. And Love Interest has stuff to do too. She cartwheels and backflips out of the way because I really want to do a Tomb Raider movie but I had to settle for this one instead so I'm going to make it the way I want. And wolves run out of the tunnel and Lara Love Interest has to jump around shooting them with her double pistols while Indy also punches them. Only they're not wolves because nobody wants PETA protesting outside the premiere so make them something else instead. Dinosaurs? Nazis? DinoNazis? Let's see what the focus group says.

"Why did you want this thing we're after so bad?" asks Love Interest. She's not all banged up like he is. Audiences don't like that kind of stuff. They like the chicks to stay hot empowered throughout the movie.

"It belongs in a museum," Indy says, making a cool callback to the earlier movies. [Note: Avoid callbacks to Crystal Skull. That shit is kryptonite, just like the prequels. Oh! Note to self: Talk to agent about landing me the gig to relaunch the DC movies once Snyder is done fucking them up. I bet we can get the rights cheap after he's turned that franchise into a giant smoking crater! LOL]

"I want it to sell it and get rich because I live on the edge. Nobody is the boss of me. You're the one who thinks things belong in glass cases," says Love Interest.

"I expect to be well paid. I'm in it for the money," Indy says. Keep the motivations simple because complexity is boring. And keep the motivation changing to keep the audience guessing. Lindelof says this is the smart thing to do. He never had a fucking clue what was going on with Lost and that show was huge. Can we CGI Jack's tattoos onto the sidekick's arms? That's the sort of easter egg that nerds on the internet jizz themselves over.

After that, they see that there's a big temple down here. It's really shiny and chromed inside the temple, because these people harnessed underground solar power and metal polish and there's no place quite as cool as the inside of an Apple store, right?

"When we sell this, you want to spend a month in Paris again? It was pretty fun last time," Indy asks, dropping more backstory into the script. (Is this too much backstory now? I feel like it is. Don't want to slow this story down. We might want to make this a deleted scene for BluRay. Do they still sell those?)

"Only if we sell it to a museum. Everybody has a right to see this," Love Interest says, not wanting to appropriate cultures and stuff now because nobody cares about motivations or why they suddenly change.

"Good idea," Indy says because he shouldn't always be right about everything. That's boring and the hero needs to learn very important and really short lessons.

"There it is," Love Interest says, pointing across a big chasm or lava river or whatever. We see the item that this movie is about.

"Finally," Indy says. He's ready to wrap this shit up and go to whatever restaurant that gets the tie-in for this movie. The audience needs to feel that urge. Marketing depends on it.

"I don't think they're going to let us just waltz dance out of here with it," Love Interest says. (Young people might not know what a waltz is).

A big crowd of angry natives have appeared and want to fight. These are hostile tropical cave natives. But not the kind that'll set Tumblr off. White people maybe? Or is that culturally insensitive? Maybe they're Nazis that got lost while looking for the Ark or something and made a city down here? Whatever the focus group decides is least offensive, I guess. Just make sure they're all wearing fedora hats like Indy because this is an Indiana Jones movie and there's a fortune in marketing!

Big action finale! (Whatever ILM thinks will look great. Leave it to the second unit director to handle this. I need to go yacht shopping.)

Then the cave starts to collapse or fill up with water or lava or alligators or stuff. Indy and Love Interest run while a camera follows them close behind at a low angle because that shit looks awesome!

They swing to safety across a dangerous thing and Indy's whip makes lightsaber sounds.

Then something else happens. I don't care what. It doesn't even have to make sense. Just make it look really expensive and let me know when ILM is done so I can deliver this thing to the Mouse House and get paid. If this does well in China, I'll get the Tomb Raider reboot for sure!

Indy and Love Interest kiss as a fireball or giant water geyser or gushing spray of a billion little spiders or some cool shit like that shoots up in the slightly unfocused background. Boom!

THE END!




(Note to fanboys reading this script after it's leaked onto the internet by a disgruntled Disney employee who considers himself a "true fan" of the Indiana Jones franchise: 1) Rest assured, the person who leaked this script has already been put to death and buried in the shallow graves beneath Mickey's Toontown. There is no escape from the Mouse's Justice. And 2) I don't care about all the nitpicking and complaining you're sure to do when this soft reboot of your oh so precious franchise comes out. I am a rich and famous filmmaker. You are a nobody with a YouTube channel. What's that? You took a few community college classes about film making or screen writing and you think you know so much more than I do? My bank account says otherwise. Quality script writing died with the rise of the blockbuster. Here's proof. Where does the escape hatch on the island go? Why does Cloverfield keep chasing our heroes all over New York? Why is Rey so good at everything? How does Red Matter work? How can cherry jello be so dense that it can create black holes but also be carried around in a mayonnaise jar? Nobody cares. Fuck off. We both know you'll keep buying the tickets no matter how much you hate me. Brand loyalty is your kryptonite! Hahahahaha!)

(P.S. This was written from the rear deck of my new yacht, The S. S. Jar Jar Superstar. I can see my older, smaller yacht coasting back there on a long tow line made from tightly woven 100 dollar bills. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!)

Happy b-day Increator! And belated b-days to Mark, Duals, Retro, FSI, and everyone else I've missed!

Could you help a Canadian out and let me have a 48 hour extension? I stayed up drinking all night and I'm hungover and I need a little extra time, eh?

I'm glad Baron was shameless and desperate enough to ask this question. And since he's already debased himself so gratuitously (really, Baron, was the kissy face cup necessary? Have you no self respect at all?), I'd like to hop on the bandwagon and ride his coattails for the next 48 hours while I start finish my story. It came to me this morning while brushing my teeth but I won't have time to work on it until tomorrow morning. Then there's the Packers game, which will take up most of the evening. Then I should have time to work on it again before bedtime. And Monday's a holiday here in the States, so that should be plenty of time to finish it. Hmm. What an odd coincidence. I seem to need almost the exact same amount of time that Baron did. Weird.

I hope you honor Baron's request, Stupot÷! You're the best!

[Hammer and Anvil]

I spent my holiday reading Hammer and Anvil by James Swallow. It was a fun, light read. I don't normally read most of the stuff from Black Library, but the Sisters of Battle are such an overlooked army that I'll take any fluff I can get.

Hmmm... Let's see. A man in a checked flannel shirt. A girl in a red t-shirt. A desolate location. Is this the Last of Us movie?

Congrats, Stupot÷

Here's to 2017... the year of the Running Man and Barb Wire.

And Cherry 2000 (which should have been titled Cherry 2017, I suppose)

Happy New Year, AGS. I've still got 5 hours to go here in Texas. Everybody else east of here get drunk for me, okay?

How did I miss this thread for so long??

Congrats on 10 years, Duals!