The story you have created seems interesting, and I am sure will allow for interesting scenarios in the game. I feel the introduction could be altered, however.
What follows will be my opinion. I am not saying you are wrong, I am saying that I feel personally that improvements could be made to this introduction.
This introduction is too long. Far too long. There isn't much going on, really, story wise, and if I sat down to play a game and 5 minutes through this thing was still playing, I'd skip the introduction (or quit if I couldn't do so). I'd suggest you either cut a whole bunch of stuff out or you allow the player to play parts of these cutscenes. For example, you could get them to make Bernard look at the lockers and then talk to Ned. This isn't much, but helps them feel involved.
I also noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors, so make sure you get someone to proofread your game before you release it.
Well done for putting together the introduction, and good luck with your game.
What follows will be my opinion. I am not saying you are wrong, I am saying that I feel personally that improvements could be made to this introduction.
This introduction is too long. Far too long. There isn't much going on, really, story wise, and if I sat down to play a game and 5 minutes through this thing was still playing, I'd skip the introduction (or quit if I couldn't do so). I'd suggest you either cut a whole bunch of stuff out or you allow the player to play parts of these cutscenes. For example, you could get them to make Bernard look at the lockers and then talk to Ned. This isn't much, but helps them feel involved.
I also noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors, so make sure you get someone to proofread your game before you release it.
Well done for putting together the introduction, and good luck with your game.