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Yours was only posted three ago, so no, but I'll post something and then you can, okay? THIS SPOT RESERVED.

http://www.geocities.com/espergame/richard.doc

This is the rework. I think the original might be better, but this one explains alot more, and gives a bit of backstory I originally left out because of the length restrictions for publication in a magazine.

Grapefruit, I'll have you know that I have four spare axe handles in my shed, and out here in Arizona alot of us cut our own wood and have our own fires just because it's a pain in the left bittick to go through all the trouble of turning the heat on once a friggin' year, and then only at night. Most people who live nearby also have many spare axes and axe parts, and a big bundle of firewood in their back yard.

As far as I know, no one has bodies in their back yard, either, but that's a matter of speculation.

No, but he lives in a small town where you assumedly can't just go to the store and pick up a bundle of firewoord as easily as you might just chop it yourself.

Honestly, could everyone do me a favor and just tell me whether or not it's that hard to follow? I think I might need to do quite a bit more rewriting than was originally intended.

Seriously??? Oh, dear. That does not bode well.

Big Brother: Thanks for the in-depth crit. Most of what you said was obvious, as anyone who reads books on how to write would know (active not passive, show not tell, etc.)... My problem is the four-thousand word limit I have going on. I wish I could spend more time on these things, but in most of the short stories I've read, the descriptions are left to the reader as the meat of the story is dealt with in the limited word count allotted. I'm paying close attention to the majority of your critiques, and the critiques of others, however, as I'm rewriting.

Squinky: Maggots...

Oh, by the way, has anyone figured out what's going on yet? I didn't think I'd made it altogether too obscure, but Big Brother's comment on the title makes me wonder.

Spoiler

In Greek mythology, Theseus was a hero whose ship was getting old and it had to be replaced plank by plank. Once the entire ship had been replaced, was it the same ship, or was it an entirely new ship? The entire idea of the story is:

[close]

Spoiler

He killed the boy with the axe, but the handle broke, and he had to replace it. When he went to go bury him, the head broke, and he had to replace it. When the ghost came back to kil him, bound by the laws of the spirit world, he could only do so with the very axe that killed him. Unfortunately for the ghost, it was not the same ax. The girl saw what had occurred, however, and knew Richard's secret. So Richard killed her, but the axe remained undamaged. Thus, the following year, the boy still could not kill him, but the girl got her revenge. The axe was completely splintered, head and handle both, to indicate that it was over.

[close]

::kicks self squarely in nuts, then stops momentarily to allow everyone time to visualize this::

That's what you get for going back into the meat of this thread!

Thy post hath wrongly been written. Thus be not proper in such a case. Neither be fould, or your. Muchly and writ be in question, and thy doubled u's shouldst actually be u's, doubled. I suggest thou doest thyself a favor and ignite the rabbit of thy neighbor with incendiaries of some sort, cretin, lest I flail thy rank buttocks.

This is fun.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I'm working on a rewrite, taking everyone's ideas and crits into consideration. Several things you guys said that I find interesting...

Weaver: I know... I tend to be a bit verbose and bombastic at times. "However" doesn't strike me as being quite as bad as some of the other words I might have used. However, if I do it this once, it would be cosmetic. Using words like that is a staple of my writing style. I've always loved and tried to emulate writers who, like Douglas Adams, could write long, preachy, surface-boring paragraphs which in context are hilarious and meaningful.

Fred: I find what you say slightly odd... I never felt as if I were mocking him, rather attempting to make him appear pitiful.

rharpe: hmmm... hanging you say? What did I leave you hanging on? It  was my intention to cover all the bases. The reader is supposed to figure things out for themselves, but if I didn't give enough info for the reader to do that, I'd like to know.

Steve: suck and mush were intentional. "Target" was for lack of a better word. And I DID NOT mean to make it overly gruesome. That's not my style. Do you think it was too gruesome?

Nik: Thanks for the encouragement. Now are ya gonna read it or not?

Wellllll, if the project ever takes off, I'll be glad to help. I loved the old Infocom games, as they were the first games I ever played, EVER. Part of my writing style comes from their inspiration, I would think.

Understood.

Why don't you post what the room looks like normally (if you have it ready, or at least a rough sketch if you have that). Perhaps there's a way around the quandary at hand other than using this particular angle.... because, like I said, at that angle it would be very weird and unnatural to have the character walk on that platform. However, what you could do is this:

Since it's a dream sequence, you could put the platform into perspective with the rest of the room and have the character walk around on it to where looking away from the camera would be looking STRAIGHT DOWN AT THE FLOOR, and looking toward the camera would be LOOKING STRAIGHT UP AT THE CEILING. This would work a bit better, I think, since it's a dream and the character could very plausibly be on such an incline angle in a paranormal world. However, at it's present angle, it's just floppy, weird, and out of perspective.

That is, if the only reason you DON'T want to do it straight is because you don't feel like making a seperate head and shoulders sprite for your character.

Also, look at the size of the area the character would be walking on in comparison the the rest of the room. The walking areas should be much bigger, since the character is noticeably much closer to the camera and would therefore appear to be quite large.

I don't normally say things to people I don't know, since I don't like most people. However, I had an idea, and because it is my idea, I must speak it.

Ashen created a very decent module. If you play my game "Heart of Abraxas," you can see it in action. To find the module, do a search for "panorama" or "panoramic." I believe you could use this to make a FIRST PERSON adventure into your local shops and businesses. This would suit it better than making it a third-person game and having to make an animated character to represent all the people that will be playing it, and it would make the "game" more immersive and give a feeling like you've really been there, so when the "gamer" actually does go to visit the shop, it will give a feeling of reminiscence and an overall desire to spend more money for the nostalgiagasm.

Take or leave my advice, but know this: for every time you do not take my advice, I will eat a baby. And I, in my glory, will KNOW when you do not take my advice.

Hi everybody. I'm really rather loathe to post this here, as most of what goes into the critic's lounge is beautiful artwork, animations, or music, and anything that isn't is normally crap. Thus, by my own admission, I'm posting crap, since this is neither beautiful, nor artwork, nor audible.

I am a writer. I love to write. I would love to become a full-time writer, although this is one of the most difficult careers to have outside of as a hobby in the US. Only, I think it was somewhere around 15-20% of all writers in America live off what they make from writing.

But I'm a writer. I'm not an artist, or a musician. As such, this story is probably the best thing I will ever put on the Critic's Lounge, unless I post another story. I would REALLY like some nice, detailed responses, as I'm not just putting this here to find out what you guys think about it, but because I am going to try to have it published in a professional paying literary magazine.

Thus, I submit for your approval, "The Axe of Theseus," a short horror story.

http://www.geocities.com/espergame/axeoftheseus.doc

Zork wouldn't need a speechpack, as I don't think anyone (the troll, or the robber? I don't remember) spoke. THe question becomes, however, that if you make a LGoP remake, will it come with shit-smelling scratch and sniff cards?

EDIT: Grunt. I would offer my services, but the only thing I could really give to the project would be writing, and all the writing already exists.

The platform is using the same perspective as the rest of the room, meaning it's at an extreme angle, and rather than looking down at himself the character would be tumbling off the platform and landing on himself, which I think according to the laws of causality would cause the universe to implode. You don't want that, so I must offer you the following advice:

Don't draw the platform in perspective. It's flat at the angle you are looking at it.

Not to mention the room is very tall. And the bed is laid into the floor... Make it coming up the side of the wall, the same way the doors are coming up the wall.

I loved that video. You could tell Mike wanted to vomit blood all over the place.

Had to say:

Nevertheless, be careful. I'm a writer, I know what constitutes a risky situation. Using your very own example, do you think you could get away with making a game called "The Empire Strikes Back," (Star Wars) or "Symphony of the Night?" (Castlevania)

So I'm just saying... It sounds like an awesome idea, but you don't want anyone pulling a Vivendi on you...

Yeah, not only is it too extreme, but it's excessively out of character. Go to the mall and scope you a goth chick. Regardless of their Goth-level (just a teenybopper that wears a lot of bracelets and chains up to a full-out trenchcoat mafia suicide girl with a KISS-style makeup job) they all just kinda slump along...

Awwww. I tried six different songs, and apparently, they were ALL "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson...

Thanks Vic. I can't play LoZ ever again.

Sounds like a VERY good idea, but I'd be careful of a couple things... Namely, there already is a game titled "The Room" (Silent Hill 4) which has to do with a boarded-up bathroom, etc... The story isn't the same, hardly, but just as someone who has experience in the story-writing department, you want to keep your ass clean when it comes to potential plagiarism.