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Spoiler

Have you talked to the fisherman? He wants a waternymph. Then go to the witch.

[close]

Hey, look. The Johnsons are an ethnic minority.

Comic books. They have words and pictures; you can do everything with words and pictures.

You could record some of her classes with one of those handy song recorders.
Refuse to go to her class because of her bias and christian agenda.
Shove these 150 questions in her face.

Or you can just space out in her class and wait for college.

People like to blame things on others.
Makes ya think.

Radiant: And how should that help Vince Twelves problem with one month being not enough?

Time travel.

Deja...vu?

I felt un-interested after a few sneaking and fighting puzzles. Lots of walking, followed by lots of talking bored me too.

I totally agree (except for Subway). Those free coupons only stimulate people to eat more than is necessary.

teh

http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/monday_rock_star.doc

The setup file is missing, and my computer doesn't support the standard resolution.
Could you include the setup as well?
Or could someone once remind me how I change any ags setup to work with this game. I can't seem to find it.

Most new games are between â,¬30 and â,¬50, in Netherland.
Oblivion is still â,¬49.99
CSI 3 â,¬14.99
Halflife 2 eps. 1 expention â,¬19.99
Dawn of War Dark Crusade â,¬34.99
Dark Star One â,¬39.99
Dreamfall â,¬44.99
Broken Sword 4 â,¬49.99

Woo! Got myself a new camera!

NEDM

Oh yeah, there was a grounp of dutch kids that set a building on fire and were smart enough to film it and put it on myspace. They were caught withing 6 weeks.

Sometimes controversial video's make people think

[, but then]

Indeed, the story does get better in the middle. But the beginning is the most interesting part.

sat dry mouthed and gape jawed. [those are weird and confusing verbs to use in the first line. Try something extreemly visual like "He lay in the mud with his mouth wide open. The dried up mud on his cheeks made it feel like his skin cracked open. Most people never lie in such an aukward position..."]

He didn't usually do this, but then he wasn't used to being Dead. Most people aren't, but then most people aren't soldiers.

His brain was slowed down to 1/40 [Do brains move? try "His mind was ten times slower," since people don't see the difference between 10 and 40 times.], so slow that he didn't even blink fast enough, so his eyes had to depend on the clear gel pack to stay moist.

Good thing he had the gel packs, all he could do was watch. [why is that a good thing?]

rat equivalent only the scientists would like. [would fascinate a biologist?]

thoughts slid slowly round his head [can't find "sliding thoughts" on dictoionary.com. slipped?]
bustards [basterds?]
Christ! Where were they?! When a brain turned morbid like that, you knew you had been waiting way too long. [is this first of third person? third person is out of place, but there are no quotes.]

"What do you think?" the junior medic asked.
"Well, this ones doing ok, physically, but endorphin readings say this one is going to need a lot of work to prep back to rated status," the older, more pragmatic senior medic answered.
"Should we take him?"
"Might as well, who knows, might be a soldier again some day."
Having looked over the other Dead, loading the sustainable ones, as well as the all-dead, the heavily loaded evac ship rose into the uncaring sky.

Don't forget to jump to a new line after the subject changes.
People can't understand the fictional techo-talk anyway, so why not describe the devices.

13 year old...

I hope I haven't offended you personally, since you're defending against all my points of criticism.
At school, all our work has to be swapped with fellow class mates for criticism, and there is no nice way around it.
I haven't dissected your work in detail since you're writing as a hobby and not for a grade, and it is vacation after all. So, I thought that I was mild. If not then forget what I said.

Hmm, it's not bad, but you're story is swinging a bit too much. One paragraph, for example, is filled with small expanations about why the woods are avoided. But none of the stories go anywhere. Why put those dead ends in the main story?

Another thing that bothered me was the first line "Now these days, when we look out into the ocean, we are more likely to see a bunch of fish and water and maybe a couple of ships."
The first line is important to hook people and make them read more. It's logical that when you look at the ocean you see water. Is there a need to explaning that to your audience? And was this ever different?

Past and present tense changes too.

But my biggest criticism is the narrator not even believing that what he tells it true. It makes me feel that you, the story writer, doesn't want to commit to the story (or at least one story idea). The title
"The Vampire Guy" and the adding "Yes, I know it's a crappy name," confirms that you don't really believe in your own story. You don't have to claim that it's the best story ever, but don't bash your own creations to get sympathy and support.

My advice, don't write 100 different story fragments but 1 story about a tree with a face, no side lining, no red harrings.

It's a Microsoft Works® text document with a picture of gray hound dogs and a link to a C:\ drive. So it only works for the guy who made the game (which is Dragonslash by Prashant Mahendran).