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Upon waking, I was greeted with a splitting headache and my friend/associate Jason Habscomb gawking at me through a window.  I shifted my weight to more comfortably adjust to what seems to be a lumpy hospital bed, and then squinted at a bright light being shined in my eyes by a doctor wearing a biohazard outfit.  He asked, “What do you remember?”

While looking directly into the doctors eyes I replied, ”I was on the platform examining the Earth auger, as it had been pulled out of the ground, and then I blacked out.”  The doctor replied, ”Mr. Cavares…John…We think some of the bacteria down there survived decontamination before the bit was fully extracted from the ground.”  I contemplated this development, and mulled over what I knew.

I've been working for Core Power Industries for the last ten years.  Basically my job as an “Exploratory Borehole Engineer Director, Igneous Division” is to drill deep into the Earth's crust and look for rare earth metals, and any oil or gas deposits that can be used for power.  Most of my crew was on vacation happily spending their large commission from the recent discovery and extraction of an absurdly large amount of lanthanum.  My auger was boring away into what I believed was a tungsten deposit when it abruptly stopped.  The Earth Auger, or “ole' twisty bits” as we sometimes call her, doesn't stop for anything.  I looked over at my number two, Jason, and he said, ”Depth is fifteen thousand meters, temperature at two hundred degrees centigrade, and sensors indicate what is probably tungsten among basalt rocks.”  I ordered, ”Bring up Twisty…After decon and cooling, we'll see why she stopped.”  The decontamination process kills off any of the strange organisms that can live at these depths.  The creepy and aptly named devil worms are the only creatures that we can see with the human eye, as everything else “way down below” is microscopic bacteria.  The bit takes at least two hours to fully extract and properly cool-down, so in the meantime I double-checked the sensors and then knocked out a solid routine of push-ups and pull-ups coupled with some bench-dips.   When the bit was up and ready for inspection, I walked over to it as I heard Jason say, ”Boss, the sensor shows living organic material on Twisty's business end…Don't go near it yet.”  I paused as he checked some readings and Jason added, ”Mineral content is consistent with a…meteorite?“  My second in command continued scanning readings and debating the situation, as I walked up to the Earth Auger for closer look.  The entire bottom quarter was coated in a green liquid and I noticed something glowing green at the tip of the giant drill bit…And then blackness.

The doctor continued his evaluation, even pulling out what appeared to be a Geiger-Müller counter at one point.  He asked, ”Do you feel any different?”  I replied, ”I'm very cold and my eyes seem sensitive to light, but otherwise feel normal.  My headache is subsiding.  Why are you acting as if I have the Bubonic Plague?”  The doc sighed, and answered, ”Your crew says that some kind of green gloop (their term not mine) shot out from your drill bit and covered you head to toe.  We believe that you were contaminated with some kind of foreign, and everything down there should be foreign to the human body, organism that is different from the usual nematodes and other worms found at those depths.  Especially baffling is how this semi-organic substance survived decontamination.”  I shook my head, and the doctor said, ”Your wife has been notified.  I'm sorry John, but for now you will remain in quarantine at Core Power Company Hospital until we figure out what is going on.”

I had passed out, and suddenly woke up to what sounded like a speaker squawking.  Jason was standing outside a window to my room, and through the speaker he said, ”Boss, how you feeling?”  After getting up and slowly walking over to the window, I pressed the button and said, ”Tired…Very tired…The room seems to be getting colder and brighter.”  Jason replied, ”The green stuff has the digit-heads in the lab both excited and scared…It seems to be alive, but that goop doesn't have any of its own DNA or RNA.  Right now they think it could be of Alien origin.  I wish you were wearing one of those protective suits we used to use, but sadly we all got lazy after the decontamination process was added to the mix a few years back.”  I nodded and queried, ”What day is it?”  Jason replied, “Friday.  You have been asleep forty-eight hours.  By the way…What's up with your skin?”  Looking down at my arm I could see it was red and appeared to have faint conical wrinkles.  I sighed and said. ”Man, I don't know…Look what else do you know?  And…please tell the doctors and lab stooges that I need to talk to my wife.”  Jason answered, ”I've told them.  Look, about that stuff Boss…The lab techs say it is some kind of primordial ooze that genetically bonds other organisms together at the…ummm…cellular level I think they said.  They are running tests as we speak.”  I was listening intently to my old friend, but my eyelids were heavy and I collapsed to the floor.

Shooting up out of bed I immediately noticed that my skin was now red and very wrinkly, and I could feel tingling sensations in my arms and legs.  It seems that the lights had been dimmed per my request, but I still had to squint to see clearly.  I saw Jason pacing back and forth in front of the speaker window, and when he noticed me sitting up, my old pal bolted down the hall presumably to get a doctor.  I shambled over to the window, and sat on the chair that had been recently placed there.  My hands felt numb, and as I looked them over I noticed my fingernails had fallen off.  The speaker crackled to life and the doctor, now standing in front of the window, said, ”John, you've been out cold for three days.  I've got some news and I don't know how to say this…Let me preface with our lab rat results.  We introduced just the primordial substance alone to one of the mice, and nothing happened.  Then we mixed DNA from a guinea pig and the green ooze, and then slathered it onto another mouse.  This mouse began transforming into a hybrid version of both animals.  It was like some kind of, I don't know, real-time gene splicing.”  I could see Jason off in the background; his shoulders were pumping up and down as if he was crying.  The doctor looked closely at my skin through the window and continued, ” So naturally we wondered what would happen if we took another ooze sample, mixed mouse DNA with it, and reintroduced that to the mouse that is currently undergoing transformation.  The hypothesis is that it may reverse the process.  John…The mouse died, but it appeared to be changing back shortly before passing.  We think it died from shock.  We have another test subject currently transforming, and this time we will try introducing the ooze again with the mouse DNA AFTER transformation.   John, it appears that the ooze that you came in contact with contained devil worm DNA.  You are…oh God I'm so sorry…becoming a homo sapien and halicephalobus mephisto hybrid.”  Jason was slumped against a wall, and had dark circles under his eyes.  I curled my numb hands into tingling fists and stared off into the distance.  ”So based on what you are saying…Put my human DNA in a bathtub full of ooze, I'll in a splash around a bit, and then eventually I'll be back to normal,” I offered in a phlegmy voice.  The doctor countered, ”You may die from shock like our lab rat.  The best chance you have, and I hate to say this, is to fully transform into the hybrid before we do that.”  I said, ”Now that I think about it, hold off on getting my wife to fly out here…I don't want her to see me like this.  Just tell her I'm recuperating from a minor accident.”  The doctor nodded and walked away.  I told Jason to go home and rest, and he walked slumped shouldered away from the room.  On the way back to the bed, I collapsed in a heap thinking how tiring it is to be metamorphosing.

It seems I had already physically been up and out of bed, but my consciousness took a while to catch up.  I was lying on the floor; the fancy alarm clock on the nightstand revealed that I had been out for five days.  The floor was covered in blood, hair, and toenails.  What passed for my torso had been elongated and was encircled with conical ridges.  My hands and feet were both scaly, wormy nubs.  I lifted one up to my head and noticed that my ears were nearly gone, which explained why I couldn't hear anything.  I could feel someone walking towards the room, or sense vibrations much like a worm.  Initially I thought my pulse was racing, but then I sensed several heartbeats coming from different parts of my body.  My eyes seem to function ok, so I looked outside the window after the vibrations had ceased and saw the doctor surrounded by a team of soldiers.  Glancing to my left, I could see the beginnings of a hole bored into the granite floor.  I looked back to the window and the doctor held up a sign that read “CAN YOU HEAR ME?”  I shook my head, or whatever it had transformed into.  Next, he held up another sign that read, “YOU SEEM TO HAVE A MOUTH, CAN YOU TALK”?  I felt short spiky teeth in whatever my mouth had become, and then tried to say my full name.  The vibrations didn't feel right, and the doctor shook his head.  The doctor held up a third sign which proclaimed “I BELIEVE YOU ARE THE HYBRID, SO WE CAN NOW TRY TO REVERSE THE PROCESS”.  I tried to ignore ravenous hunger pangs as I processed what this means, and then collapsed.

I awoke in a dank, moist environment.  I'd retained some kind of taste buds, and whatever I was currently eating tasted like mushrooms.  It is bad enough to be trapped in some strange version of your body, and even worse to only have intermittent control of it.  Looking down revealed that I was lying on top of what appeared to be a rotting compost pile.  I started to get excited, and then become disgusted at the notion that this was in any way exciting.  Nearby small white grubs were working themselves into the moist dirt, and I wondered how scrumptious they would taste as I again lost consciousness.

My consciousness returned and I found myself confined in a small space surrounded by dirt, with no room to comfortably maneuver.  A feeling of claustrophobia kicked in just as I felt vibrations which seemed to have a consistency.  Someone was trying to communicate in Morse code, which was something I knew during my time drilling on a naval platform.  The message was “J-O-H-N RETURN”.  I felt my consciousness slip away as I started…digging?

Yet again I returned to consciousness in an odd location.  It was late dusk, and I was mid-chomp on a mouthful of cabbage when I saw a crazed man dressed like farmer come running out of a shed with a hoe raised above his head.  I said, ”Hey man calm down!” but it didn't come out like that with my now limited speech capability.  I looked around and could see that I was obviously in a cabbage patch at his farm.  He hollered something, which I sensed through vibration was some insult towards rabbits, and then as he got closer his eyes widened and he dropped the hoe.  My mind started to slip away as I dove into the loose dirt…

I was up.  This time I was half-in and half-out of the ground.  I could still feel the Morse code vibrations, and they seemed to be even stronger.  Glancing about I could see that I was in someone's fenced in backyard.  I wiggled out of the hole and sat up.  Well, I sat up about as well as someone with wrinkled, wormy appendages can sit up.  My mind was focused on getting back to CP hospital, though I needed to somehow cheer myself up.  I chuckled wondering if I could now finally be an expert at doing my favorite breakdance move, the worm.  My attention was distracted by growling-esque vibrations coming from a huge doghouse, from which an equally humongous dog trotted out.  It appeared to be a Saint Bernard and Husky mix.  The monstrous animal lumbered over to me while emitting a low growl which felt like small tremors through my vibration sense.  I sat defeated, and refused to escape into the hole while my human brain was in control.  As the gigantic dog moved closer, I could see his name-tag which announced his name as “Colossus Jones” along with rabies vaccination information.  I chuckled again, content to know that I won't catch rabies while I'm being devoured.  It stopped in front of me, sniffed, and ceased growling.  The big mutt whined a bit, and then playfully licked me.  Colossus Jones just sat there with what passed for a big dumb doggy grin while I gently pet him with my wormy nub-hand.  At some point during his rub, I zoned out to blackness.


I awoke strapped to a hospital bed; soldiers in biohazard outfits surrounded me.  Jason was there in an outfit as well.  I could talk, but was feeling pretty groggy so I simply smiled and groaned at him.  He said, ”Welcome back!  Let me catch you up since your wormy alter ego seemed to be in control for so long…You bored your way out of here, killed a few small trees â€" roots and all â€" and were probably halfway to China when we nearly started an earthquake with the machine we used to tap Morse code in efforts to track you down.  Miraculously, you showed up on the front lawn munching leaves.  We hauled you back inside to this containment room.  Luckily due to your size it wouldn't have been possible to tunnel to the depths of a real devil worm…More importantly, praise Zeus that the doctor was able to reverse the process.  One thing though, instead of using your DNA we had to use mine.  So this should help make you less of an ugly bastard.”  I chuckled and Jason sported a huge grin after this remark.  He continued, “Anyway, all of the green stuff not safely stored in the lab has been incinerated, and the hole at the job site has been plugged up.”  I looked out of the small containment room window and could see my wife smiling at me.

[AprilSkies]

1. AprilSkies
2. Tabata
3. Ghost

  If you look up the definition of the word "being" it can mean human being.  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/being

Congrats to Ghost and Stupot+ for taking home the coveted Statler and Waldorf, and nice job on a choosing a fun writing comp theme Baron!

[Best Fictional Game:]

Best Fictional Game: Stupot+ - I love the title and the game sounds awesome...wanted more gameplay review because how cool the game sounds.
Best Organized Review: CaptainD - A complete review of a "soul-destroyingly" bad game.
Best Word Choice/Style: Sinitrena - Unique presentation and word choices for a video game review.
Most Incisive Review: Ghost - Ghost covered all aspects of the game in his review and sold me.

Sweet! Like, I'm glad I could help. Sorry about your eyes though, eh?

After my epileptic seizure subsides I might have some remaining hand eye coordination for yet another play through!

[POLICE MAGAZINE]

POLICE MAGAZINE
July, 2014 (Issue 897)
Writer: Officer I. McBloatie (retired)
Game: SimCop

I had the pleasure of playing through this little gem last week, and it might very well be the most fun I've had since I started reviewing games here at Police Magazine.  SimCop is a collection of mini-games that accurately reflects the life of a modern police officer in the United States.  I haven't had this much fun since retiring from the force!  I shall cover each mini-game separately, as they are all mostly self-contained.  And yes, before my faithful readership asks, this is the same SimCop that police academies across the United States have now incorporated into their training courses - thus replacing the abysmal Police Simulator, which focuses on cracking non-career making crime cases (who cares?) and basically doing actual detective work (YAWN). 


Meter Maid Man â€" This is a timed mini-game where you have to beat the clock and race past violent crimes in progress to catch speeders and meet the city traffic ticket quota.  Later levels get especially tricky because the quota increases while certain cars are driven by people with direct connections to the mayor!

Freebie Donut Grab â€" The tag line for this one is simply “Donut Galaga!” and that is really what this small shooter is all about.  Yes I know…Most lawmen fingers are too meaty for twitch skill games, but I promise this one is worth it.  For maximum points, avoid the stale stuff the shopkeeper throws out (those are for civilians!) and go for the freshest “brown gold” directly from the oven!

Race for Condescension â€" This little dialogue-driven jewel is playable online!  Go head-to-head with other players to see who can lord the power afforded to them over successful and happy civilians the most.  My personal best was when a doctor and his trophy wife wanted to know why a non-functional car cigarette lighter was grounds for a faulty equipment fine and court appearance.  I first set the tone with my usual alpha male preface that I used during my days of working the mean streets (speed trap alleyways and donut shop parking lots) of, “Sir, SIR.  What I'm going to need for you to do right now…” and then I entered my quip into the game's text parser, “Doc, just like people need to get a checkup…SO. DO. VEHICLES.”  Boom I WIN!  My opponent actually treated the couple like human beings…Loser.

World of Radar Detector Detector Detecting â€" Don't let a little monotony get in the way of your enjoyment of an otherwise thrilling challenge.  Your goal here is to calibrate and ensure that your radar detector is both up-to-date and capable of defeating the latest and greatest radar detectors.  When those pesky civilians start to detect the latest laser band with the newest model detectors, you need to get a laser radar detector detector.  When they start to get radar detector detector detectors, then you will have to upgrade to one of the top end radar detector detector detectors.  This mini-game will try to distract you with side quests like going into a rough neighborhood to help clean up the streets and keep people safe from thieves and muggers, but DO NOT FALL FOR IT.  Remember, getting caught up in the radar detector arms race is real police work.

Hottie Gets a Pass â€" In this fun little game you play a male cop who has to both pull over hot women and then not give in to the desire to dole out a ticket.  In the driving portion, it can sometimes be tough to see whether or not they are worthy of being pulled over and then let off the hook; so don't make snap judgments based on long blonde hair or expensiveness of the sports car and try to get a good long look even if you drain valuable clock time.  Also, be forewarned that accidentally stopping an overly entitled celebrity or a journalist results in an instant loss.  After they are pulled over, use your position of authority to work your magic on them…you smooth operator you.  The A.I. is pretty lifelike, so getting a real, working phone number from a stone cold fox is rare.

Utility Belt Gadget Trivia â€" This self-explanatory title is more laid back and can be enjoyed with the whole family.

Broken Dreams Frustration Smash â€" The first version of this one was buggy as the lead programmer was a former officer and the subject matter hit too close to home.  Hopefully the next one will be playable and I can then update this review on the PM web-site.


I can wholeheartedly recommend this game, especially to current police officers looking for some supplemental training and former police officers in the market for some nostalgia from their glory years.  Copy protection is handled by a code wheel, and enforcement is handled by the Canadian Mounties, Texas Rangers, and possibly Interpol.  The music and overall sound leave much to be desired, but despite that the plethora of games that makeup SimCop are a real treat!

HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:  IBM PC that includes CPU with SSE2 support, including Intel Pentium 4, Pentium M, AMD Athlon 64 or later 2-GHz (Windows 7) 32-bit (x86) or greater and keyboard not clogged up with delicious donut crumbs and/or succulent frosting.

Playability: Tazer Shotgun
Graphics: Lot Full of Expired Parking Meters
Sound: Police Brutality Evidence Tape
Overall: Deep Fried and Frosted Chocolate, Jelly Donut w/ Sprinkles

[Arj0n]

1. Arj0n
2. Misj
3. Ghost

  I travel for work at textile mills in Mainland China, and so I've been forced to at least have a technique for the dreaded hole in the floor; I also come armed as it is BYOP.  Once I heard a weird buzzing sound near one of these holes, walked over for a glance, and was ambushed by 1000 flies (God knows what they had been feasting on) that came pouring out and was chased out of the restroom.

  Yep, Japanese toilets are my favorites. 

[Best Character: Baron]

Best Character: Baron - We never really met Del, but I felt like I knew her.
Best Plot: Baron - I've never heard of two curmudgeony coots fight over a dead prostitute...so kudos for originality.
Best Atmosphere: Sinitrena - Both very creepy and well detailed.
Best Setting: Baron - I'm a sucker for old West shantytowns.
Best Word Choice/Style: Baron - Cool analogies abound!
Best Holiday Destination: Sinitrena - Since I like my continued existence and am not into necrophilia, Gatlinburg is out...Though I'd be interested in a brief wander through the shadows.

  Thanks guys!

...I shall have my beta testing team taken out back and shot at once.

  Well...It was just one major bug.

Awesome!  Congrats on the releases Ponch, Baron, Radient, and Tzachs!

YES!  I'll be sitting down with this one over the weekend.

Congrats on the release Baron!

Rome: Pathway to Power?

  Its a great theme; very unique and it allows us to write about history which is always a good thing.  Unfortunately, I'm moving in about a week so I don't have the time to submit something worthy.

[Best Character:]

Best Character: Sinitrena (Emily)
Best Plot: Baron
Best Atmosphere: Janosbiro
Best Setting: Baron
Best Word Choice/Style: Ponch
Not My Cup of Tea, Either, BUT: Sinitrena

Low Budget Indy Flick - The Shivah
Big Budget - Primordia
Screwball Comedy - Time Gentleman Please!

@kconan, seems you voted right after the voting results...

Haha...I was on a super 2400 baud style slow connection in Mainland China and I didn't catch everything.  So I command you to re-tally!  Kidding

Great entries fellas

1. Baron
2. Tabata
3. CitizenParagon