Amuse us with a joke thread :D

[Mouth for war]

Yeah I'm just that bored tonight...so how about it? When you've heard a funny joke you could tell it here. It's always fun to start the day with a cup of coffee and some jokes

Let's start with something silly...When does 1+1 = 3 ?
Answer: When you don't use a condom

A man came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He became furious and took his shotgun and blew his friend's head off. The wife said "Really mature of you...You won't have any friends left if you treat them like this"

I'll add more later on but come on guys...MAKE....ME...LAUGH....Damn you

[Stupot]

Saw one on a comment thread earlier that made me chuckle:

My friend said you can put chickens and turkeys in the freezer for months and they'll be fine... So I put my chicken in there last night and when I checked this morning it was dead

[Hudders]

The best jokes are terrible jokes:

How long does it take a candle to burn?
About a wick.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his chosen field.

Why do bank managers carry briefcases?
Because briefcases can't walk.

[Khris]

Not exactly a joke but made me laugh:

"You look like I need another drink"

[NickyNyce]

A Koala bear walks up to a prostitute and tells her he wants some action. They walk to a small hotel that the prostitute has a room in and once they enter the room, the Koala bear starts to go down on her. He's eating her out, eating her out....gets up, and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute yells...HEY, where are you going?, I want my money! The Koala bear says...Money? what money. The prostitute says...you stupid Koala bear...here's a dictionary...she turns to prostitute and says...Here look...Prostitute...a woman that does sexual favors for money...the Koala bear rolls his eyes and grabs the dictionary, he turns to Koala bear and says....Look lady, Koala bear, a small animal that eats bushes and leaves.

[NsMn]

What do an eagle and a mole have in common?

They both live underground,
Except for the eagle.




What's green and has wheels?

Grass.
I lied about the wheels.



What did the elephant say to the peanut?

Nothing, elephants can't talk,
and peanuts wouldn't answer.

[Stupot]

Koala bear, a small animal that eats bushes and leaves.

That's similar to the Panda who walks into a restaurant, eats his dinner, pulls out a gun, shoots the chef and then casually walks out... confused as to why the Panda would do such a thing, the restaurant staff consult a dictionary.  "Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves"

Here's one I made up the other week I was quite chuffed with...
If nuns live in a nunnery and rooks live in a rookery, where do bugs live?

Also, came across THIS today.  Some gems in there.

[Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens]

[LimpingFish]

A piece of pavement walks into a bar, and orders a drink. He notices another piece of pavement drinking alone at the other end of the bar.

"Who's that?", the first piece of pavement asks the bartender.

The bartender looks over, shakes his head, and leans in close to the first piece of pavement.

"Stay away from him", says the bartender, "He's a Cycle Path!"

[Armageddon]

So old.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.

The bartender pulls out a shotgun and points it at him.

The man says, thank you and leaves.

[Ali]

Q. How does Richard Dawkins shave?

A. By applying Occam's Razor.

[Ryan Timothy B]

Armageddon, I don't get it... what am I missing?

[Tabata]

Armageddon, I don't get it... what am I missing?

healing hiccup

[Stupot]

I was going to tell a joke about glass containers but I ddin't have the bottle...

[SinSin]

@Progz   Very Very amusing  actually lold

What do lawyers and pelicans have in common

They can both stick thier bills up their arse 

[OneDollar]

There's a vicar who's given a parrot as a present. It's a talking bird, but the problem is every other word it says is a swearword. This is a big source of embarrassment for the vicar and he tries everything to get the parrot to stop swearing, but nothing works. One Sunday lunch time he finally loses it. He grabs the bird cage, opens up the freezer and shoves the parrot inside. He slams the door shut and there's a muffled stream of the most obscene words you can imagine. After a few minutes everything goes quiet. The vicar's calmed down a bit by now, and he doesn't want to harm the parrot, so he opens the freezer up and puts the bird back in its cage. The parrot looks at him in silence for a few moments, then it says "I believe I may have offended you with my language, and I am truly sorry". The vicar is amazed, and is about to question the bird's sudden change when the parrot continues "Can I just ask, what on earth did the chicken do?".

[TomatoesInTheHead]

How do you make holy water?
Take ordinary water and boil the hell out of it.

[Ryan Timothy B]

healing hiccup

Really? I've never heard of anyone asking for water when they have the hiccups. I've always heard the two: "hold your breath" or "have someone scare you" (which the latter explains the shotgun working).

[Tabata]

healing hiccup

Really? I've never heard of anyone asking for water when they have the hiccups. I've always heard the two: "hold your breath" or "have someone scare you" (which the latter explains the shotgun working).

not breathing and drinking have the nearly the same effect:
During drinking you can't breathe (normally) - that's why you need to drink the whole glass of water to get rid of the hiccup 

[Hudders]

I'm convinced all these "cures" for hiccups don't really work and the only thing that does work is taking your mind off them. So, in a sense, they do work, but not for any other reason than they are distracting.