Amuse us with a joke thread :D

[Mouth for war]

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler

Humphrey

[close]

Take that, low-brow jokesters!

HAHAHAHA That was a perfect joke for a lazy sunday afternoon

[an Urpney]

Awkward one.

Early spring, beautyful day. A priest walks in a park. He spots girl playing with her dog. With nothing better to do, the priest asks the girl:
P: What's your name, little girl?
G: My name's Petal.
P: That's some unusual name you have. Is  there any story behind it?
G: Indeed it is, father. About ten years ago, after beautyful wedding ceremony in your church, my parents went to this park to spend some time alone. They made sweent love under this apple tree you can see behind me and their bodies were covered with it's white petals. So they called me Pealt to remember that night forever.
P: That's some beautyful story. And what's your little doggy's name?
G: Piggy.
P: And what's the story behind his name?
G: No story. He just fucks pigs.

[Mati256]

A little off-topic because it's not a joke but it's really funny.
http://clientsfromhell.net

"A collection of anonymously contributed client horror stories from designers." A lot of them are probably fake, but really funny anyway.

[kconan]

What did Spock see when he walked into Kirk's personal toilet?

Spoiler

The Captain's Log

[close]

[Stupot]

In a similar vein...
What hangs above the toilet on the Starship Enterprise?

Spoiler

A klingon

[close]

[Khris]

Not really a joke:

How do you know if somebody's a vegan?

Spoiler

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

[close]

[Mouth for war]

Here's a joke I wrote a while ago...not hysterical but hey! Al Lowe put it in his daily cyberjoke 3000

A man was walking on the street where his house used to be when he suddenly saw a big crowd. A reporter ran over to him and said "I'm from Channel 3 news! May I ask you some questions about the unfortunate events that took place here?" The man started to feel very uncomfortable but said "Umm yeah sure"
Reporter: "How does it feel to have lost your entire family when your house burnt to the ground?"
Man: "What...my familys dead?...My house burnt down? What about my dog?"
Reporter "It died trying to save your familymembers"
Man: "Ohh man...what the hell am I supposed to do now?"
the man was desperate and started crying like crazy and the reporter approached him and said "Hey I have to tell you...I was lying before"
Man: "What so my family is ok?"
Reporter: "Oh no they're gone...I was too embarrased to say it but I'm actually from Channel 5 news"

[steptoe]

Why should you never go out with a girl who has big hands?

Spoiler

They'll make you look small

[close]

She asked me to take my ring off

Spoiler

It was my flipping wristwatch!

[close]

[Snake]

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Who.

Who, who?

Spoiler

What ARE you, an OWL?!?

[close]

[Crimson Wizard]

In the office where I work a sheet of paper is attached to the door of the programmers' room:

Theory is where you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is where everything works but nobody knows why.
Here we combine both theory and practice:
Nothing works and nobody knows why.

[Mouth for war]

Definition of a great lawyer: one who can get your charges of anal sodomy reduced to tailgating!

[Jakey]

An American, a Canadian, and a Newfie go out hunting.
The American comes back with a rabbit, "How'd you get that?" the other guys asked. "I followed the tracks and shot it."
The Canadian comes back with a deer, "How'd you get that?" the other two asked. "I followed the tracks and shot it."
The Newfie comes back sitting in a wheelchair, with several broken bones, "Woah! What the heck happened to you!?" asked the other guys.
"I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."

[Baron]

Ah, Newfie jokes....  By gar, it's been a while!

Two Newfies are out in a boat and find a terrific fishing spot.  They're reeling them in like gangbusters.  So the one Newfie opens up a can of paint and marks a great big X on the side of the boat. 
"What's that for?" the second one asks.
"I'm marking this here fishing spot so I'll remember it for next time," the first one replies.
The second Newfie smacks the first one upside the head.  "That won't work, stupid!  What if we bring a different boat next time?"

[Mouth for war]

What's another description for a very small erected penis?
answer: "Stand up comedy"

[Crimson Wizard]

A man is traveling across the mountain ridge. On the top he sees two other men who jump from the high rock into crater below, and, surprisingly, do not hit the ground, but rise back to the rock, then jump again. The traveler approaches two jumpers and asks:
- Whoa, dudes, how you do that?
- That's easy, - one of them answers, - there are strong ascending air streams, they carry you back up and don't let you crash.
Excited, the traveler jumps from the rock and crashes to death.
The second of the two jumpers shakes his head in reproach:
- Michael, you are such an asshole for an archangel!

[Crimson Wizard]

And another one


Trying to increase working efficiency and make parliament deputies stay at their places during meetings, officials decided to release lions in the lobby for the sitting time.
It all went nice until an emergency happened, after that lions were returned to the Zoo.
While in the cage, one lion sais to another:
- What the heck did you need that janitor for? I've eaten ten deputies and no one gave a shit.

[Tabata]

[Ali]

A man is traveling across the mountain ridge. On the top he sees two other men who jump from the high rock into crater below, and, surprisingly, do not hit the ground, but rise back to the rock, then jump again. The traveler approaches two jumpers and asks:
- Whoa, dudes, how you do that?
- That's easy, - one of them answers, - there are strong ascending air streams, they carry you back up and don't let you crash.
Excited, the traveler jumps from the rock and crashes to death.
The second of the two jumpers shakes his head in reproach:
- Michael, you are such an asshole for an archangel!

I remember that one from school, but with the punchline: "That Superman's a bastard when he's drunk!".

[kconan]

[EchosofNezhyt]

Haha... Thats funny