Amuse us with a joke thread :D

[Mouth for war]

Yeah I'm just that bored tonight...so how about it? When you've heard a funny joke you could tell it here. It's always fun to start the day with a cup of coffee and some jokes

Let's start with something silly...When does 1+1 = 3 ?
Answer: When you don't use a condom

A man came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He became furious and took his shotgun and blew his friend's head off. The wife said "Really mature of you...You won't have any friends left if you treat them like this"

I'll add more later on but come on guys...MAKE....ME...LAUGH....Damn you

[Stupot]

Saw one on a comment thread earlier that made me chuckle:

My friend said you can put chickens and turkeys in the freezer for months and they'll be fine... So I put my chicken in there last night and when I checked this morning it was dead

[Hudders]

The best jokes are terrible jokes:

How long does it take a candle to burn?
About a wick.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his chosen field.

Why do bank managers carry briefcases?
Because briefcases can't walk.

[Khris]

Not exactly a joke but made me laugh:

"You look like I need another drink"

[NickyNyce]

A Koala bear walks up to a prostitute and tells her he wants some action. They walk to a small hotel that the prostitute has a room in and once they enter the room, the Koala bear starts to go down on her. He's eating her out, eating her out....gets up, and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute yells...HEY, where are you going?, I want my money! The Koala bear says...Money? what money. The prostitute says...you stupid Koala bear...here's a dictionary...she turns to prostitute and says...Here look...Prostitute...a woman that does sexual favors for money...the Koala bear rolls his eyes and grabs the dictionary, he turns to Koala bear and says....Look lady, Koala bear, a small animal that eats bushes and leaves.

[NsMn]

What do an eagle and a mole have in common?

They both live underground,
Except for the eagle.




What's green and has wheels?

Grass.
I lied about the wheels.



What did the elephant say to the peanut?

Nothing, elephants can't talk,
and peanuts wouldn't answer.

[Stupot]

Koala bear, a small animal that eats bushes and leaves.

That's similar to the Panda who walks into a restaurant, eats his dinner, pulls out a gun, shoots the chef and then casually walks out... confused as to why the Panda would do such a thing, the restaurant staff consult a dictionary.  "Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves"

Here's one I made up the other week I was quite chuffed with...
If nuns live in a nunnery and rooks live in a rookery, where do bugs live?

Also, came across THIS today.  Some gems in there.

[Shane 'ProgZmax' Stevens]

[LimpingFish]

A piece of pavement walks into a bar, and orders a drink. He notices another piece of pavement drinking alone at the other end of the bar.

"Who's that?", the first piece of pavement asks the bartender.

The bartender looks over, shakes his head, and leans in close to the first piece of pavement.

"Stay away from him", says the bartender, "He's a Cycle Path!"

[Armageddon]

So old.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.

The bartender pulls out a shotgun and points it at him.

The man says, thank you and leaves.

[Ali]

Q. How does Richard Dawkins shave?

A. By applying Occam's Razor.

[Ryan Timothy B]

Armageddon, I don't get it... what am I missing?

[Tabata]

Armageddon, I don't get it... what am I missing?

healing hiccup

[Stupot]

I was going to tell a joke about glass containers but I ddin't have the bottle...

[SinSin]

@Progz   Very Very amusing  actually lold

What do lawyers and pelicans have in common

They can both stick thier bills up their arse 

[OneDollar]

There's a vicar who's given a parrot as a present. It's a talking bird, but the problem is every other word it says is a swearword. This is a big source of embarrassment for the vicar and he tries everything to get the parrot to stop swearing, but nothing works. One Sunday lunch time he finally loses it. He grabs the bird cage, opens up the freezer and shoves the parrot inside. He slams the door shut and there's a muffled stream of the most obscene words you can imagine. After a few minutes everything goes quiet. The vicar's calmed down a bit by now, and he doesn't want to harm the parrot, so he opens the freezer up and puts the bird back in its cage. The parrot looks at him in silence for a few moments, then it says "I believe I may have offended you with my language, and I am truly sorry". The vicar is amazed, and is about to question the bird's sudden change when the parrot continues "Can I just ask, what on earth did the chicken do?".

[TomatoesInTheHead]

How do you make holy water?
Take ordinary water and boil the hell out of it.

[Ryan Timothy B]

healing hiccup

Really? I've never heard of anyone asking for water when they have the hiccups. I've always heard the two: "hold your breath" or "have someone scare you" (which the latter explains the shotgun working).

[Tabata]

healing hiccup

Really? I've never heard of anyone asking for water when they have the hiccups. I've always heard the two: "hold your breath" or "have someone scare you" (which the latter explains the shotgun working).

not breathing and drinking have the nearly the same effect:
During drinking you can't breathe (normally) - that's why you need to drink the whole glass of water to get rid of the hiccup 

[Hudders]

I'm convinced all these "cures" for hiccups don't really work and the only thing that does work is taking your mind off them. So, in a sense, they do work, but not for any other reason than they are distracting.

[NickyNyce]

Three girls are walking down the road with potato sacks on their heads....how do you know which one is the prostitute...

Spoiler

It's the one with the sack that says...Idaho

[close]

[Tabata]

An older one (but I still like it) 


A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the concrete or asphalt that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they are so temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with - in other words, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered the request for a few minutes and said, "So, will two lanes be sufficient, or would you like four?"

[Stupot]

Two old classics with a new twist by me :-)

Man A: My wife's gone away for the week.
Man B: Jamaica?
Man A: No, it was her idea.

Man A: Me and my wife went to Indonesia last month.
Man B: Jakarta?
Man A: No, it was her idea.

Man A: My wife went on holi....
Man B: Okay, so you're a rich cunt and you're wife's a sponging whore.

[WHAM]

(Modified from a silly joke in a finnish gaming magazine, their punchline had to do with the story of Max Payne instead)

Three avid adventure gamers stood at the gates of hell, and were greeted by the Devil himself. The Devil was in a playful mood and amde a proposition to the three: each could give the Devil one challenge, the toughest they could think of. If the devil beat the challenge, the poor soul would go to hell, if the Devil could not, the sould would be released with a "Heaven express" -stamp.

The first gamer pondered for a moment and said:
"I challenge you to beat Police Quest, Kings Quest and Space Quest without cheating!"

The devil went to work, muttering curses and forcing his way through each of the three games. After a few hours the devil returned victorious, and the poor gamer went straight to hell.

The second gamer was not disheartened, and bravely said:
"I challenge you to beat NetHack as a tourist!"

The devil muttered curses again and went to work, clearly getting tired of the games being chosen. He ploughed his way through level after level, until finally ascending with the Amulet of Yendor. The poor gamer went screaming into the fieriest pits of hell.

The third gamer looked on for a moment, realizing the Devil to be quite a capable gamer, and said:
"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

The Devil blinked a few times before replying "Get the hell out of here!"

[Mouth for war]

After a Scottish couple strolled past a swanky new restaurant, the wife asked, "Did you smell that food? Incredible!" The husband thought, "What the heck? She deserves a treat!" So they walked past it again!


An Australian, an American, and an Irishman were POWs in WWII. The prison commandant was a real bastard and told them he'd kill all three unless their combined pen¡s length was twenty inches. The guards measured them and, fortunately, their combined length was exactly twenty inches. Later, the Australian said, "Well, mates, if it weren't for my 10-incher, we'd all be dead." The American said, "Naw, if it wasn't for my 8 inches, we'd all be dead." The Irishman said, "If that guard didn't turn me on, we'd all be dead!"

[CaptainD]

"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

An instant classic! 

[Monsieur OUXX]

"I want you to explain to me, in your own words,  the overarching plotline and characteristics of the Oceanspirit Dennis mythos."

An instant classic! 

Roger Wilco co-piloting a ship.
The captain: "Tell me when you see a space man."
Roger: "And then what do I do?"
The captain: "You park man."

[Technocrat]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.

The first says "Wow, it's hot in here."

The second replies "Aagh! A talking muffin!"

[kaputtnik]

What's green and stands in a forest?

Spoiler

A red bicycle.

[close]

[Armageddon]

o, is it standing in a forest of grass? or is it just, rusted green? Because most bikes are not copper anymore they rust brown.

[Hudders]

o, is it standing in a forest of grass? or is it just, rusted green? Because most bikes are not copper anymore they rust brown.

It's probably green because it's environmentally friendly.

But still, this is supposed to be a joke thread and a lot of people are posting things that are anti-jokes. 

[Stupot]

Did you hear? Gary Glitter's autobiography is released next week!

Spoiler

But it's only available on PDF-file.

[close]

Why did the midget stop wearing tampons?

Spoiler

She kept tripping on the string

[close]

How can you tell if your dog is homosexual?

Spoiler

His cock tastes like shit

[close]

[steptoe]

A man out walking along a footpath one day. He comes across a Pile of muck blocking his way. He stops. He looks at it, sniffs it, dips his fingers in it and tastes it. Yuk!! It's dog crap!! To think I very nearly trod in it!!! 

[Stee]

Spoilered this one up because it's NSFW

Spoiler

I fucked this woman last night and finished all over her face:

"You dirty bastard" she moaned, "you could have given me some warning."

"Sorry love, I'm a bus driver" I said. "I don't give any indication when I'm pulling out."

[close]

[NickyNyce]

What do you call a dear with no eyes

Spoiler

No eye dear

[close]

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs

Spoiler

Still no eye dear

[close]

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and no balls

Spoiler

Still no fucking eye dear

[close]

[Domino]

I heard this one on the radio a few weeks back..

What is green in a tree and will kill you if it falls on you?

Spoiler

A Pool Table

[close]

How can you see time fly?

Spoiler

Throw a clock out the window

[close]

Thank you, i'll be here all this week. 

[Stupot]

There's a guy I have on Facebook who is my Australian namesake, and he happens to have a similar sense of humour to me, so we often troll each other's statuses with terrible puns and end up having these little bad pun battles.

Just now he wrote "Off to the chiro" as his status.
Hilarity didn't ensue, but some pretty standard Egypt based puns did:
*Are you in da nile?
+E gypt me big time
*I bet he was a proper Giza
+I Sphinx you may be right!
*Nefer make that joke again.

+ = my my namesake's puns
* = my puns
(I think you'll agree mine are superior)

-----------------------------------------------------

Which reminds me of a funny Facebook/yourmum pun battle I had with another mate a couple of years ago.  It's [very] dated now, but I saved it for posterity.

Dave's Facebook Status:
David just facebooked your mum.....again.....
Me
I superpoked your mum's funwall. ;-)
Dave
yeah well, your mum LOVES it when i use pokepro all over her slide funspace! hehehe
Me
Oh yeh... well I went wall-to-wall with your mum after showing her my live feed.
Dave
I totally just tagged your mum right up her social profile....... ok this is just getting silly....
Me
Haha, funny though... I composed a new message all over your mum's privacy settings.
Dave
hahahaaha. I had a right good ol' look at your mums posted items, then commented all over her status...
Me
I flooded your mum's inbox with Spam!
Dave
HAHAHA, now thats a good'n! well played sir....

[Mouth for war]

Life is like a penis: simple, carefree, soft, meek and modest. It's women that make it hard!

[Babar]

Them, or idle hands

[Baron]

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler

Humphrey

[close]

Take that, low-brow jokesters!

[Mouth for war]

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler

Humphrey

[close]

Take that, low-brow jokesters!

HAHAHAHA That was a perfect joke for a lazy sunday afternoon

[an Urpney]

Awkward one.

Early spring, beautyful day. A priest walks in a park. He spots girl playing with her dog. With nothing better to do, the priest asks the girl:
P: What's your name, little girl?
G: My name's Petal.
P: That's some unusual name you have. Is  there any story behind it?
G: Indeed it is, father. About ten years ago, after beautyful wedding ceremony in your church, my parents went to this park to spend some time alone. They made sweent love under this apple tree you can see behind me and their bodies were covered with it's white petals. So they called me Pealt to remember that night forever.
P: That's some beautyful story. And what's your little doggy's name?
G: Piggy.
P: And what's the story behind his name?
G: No story. He just fucks pigs.

[Mati256]

A little off-topic because it's not a joke but it's really funny.
http://clientsfromhell.net

"A collection of anonymously contributed client horror stories from designers." A lot of them are probably fake, but really funny anyway.

[kconan]

What did Spock see when he walked into Kirk's personal toilet?

Spoiler

The Captain's Log

[close]

[Stupot]

In a similar vein...
What hangs above the toilet on the Starship Enterprise?

Spoiler

A klingon

[close]

[Khris]

Not really a joke:

How do you know if somebody's a vegan?

Spoiler

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

[close]

[Mouth for war]

Here's a joke I wrote a while ago...not hysterical but hey! Al Lowe put it in his daily cyberjoke 3000

A man was walking on the street where his house used to be when he suddenly saw a big crowd. A reporter ran over to him and said "I'm from Channel 3 news! May I ask you some questions about the unfortunate events that took place here?" The man started to feel very uncomfortable but said "Umm yeah sure"
Reporter: "How does it feel to have lost your entire family when your house burnt to the ground?"
Man: "What...my familys dead?...My house burnt down? What about my dog?"
Reporter "It died trying to save your familymembers"
Man: "Ohh man...what the hell am I supposed to do now?"
the man was desperate and started crying like crazy and the reporter approached him and said "Hey I have to tell you...I was lying before"
Man: "What so my family is ok?"
Reporter: "Oh no they're gone...I was too embarrased to say it but I'm actually from Channel 5 news"

[steptoe]

Why should you never go out with a girl who has big hands?

Spoiler

They'll make you look small

[close]

She asked me to take my ring off

Spoiler

It was my flipping wristwatch!

[close]

[Snake]

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Who.

Who, who?

Spoiler

What ARE you, an OWL?!?

[close]

[Crimson Wizard]

In the office where I work a sheet of paper is attached to the door of the programmers' room:

Theory is where you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is where everything works but nobody knows why.
Here we combine both theory and practice:
Nothing works and nobody knows why.

[Mouth for war]

Definition of a great lawyer: one who can get your charges of anal sodomy reduced to tailgating!

[Jakey]

An American, a Canadian, and a Newfie go out hunting.
The American comes back with a rabbit, "How'd you get that?" the other guys asked. "I followed the tracks and shot it."
The Canadian comes back with a deer, "How'd you get that?" the other two asked. "I followed the tracks and shot it."
The Newfie comes back sitting in a wheelchair, with several broken bones, "Woah! What the heck happened to you!?" asked the other guys.
"I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."

[Baron]

Ah, Newfie jokes....  By gar, it's been a while!

Two Newfies are out in a boat and find a terrific fishing spot.  They're reeling them in like gangbusters.  So the one Newfie opens up a can of paint and marks a great big X on the side of the boat. 
"What's that for?" the second one asks.
"I'm marking this here fishing spot so I'll remember it for next time," the first one replies.
The second Newfie smacks the first one upside the head.  "That won't work, stupid!  What if we bring a different boat next time?"

[Mouth for war]

What's another description for a very small erected penis?
answer: "Stand up comedy"

[Crimson Wizard]

A man is traveling across the mountain ridge. On the top he sees two other men who jump from the high rock into crater below, and, surprisingly, do not hit the ground, but rise back to the rock, then jump again. The traveler approaches two jumpers and asks:
- Whoa, dudes, how you do that?
- That's easy, - one of them answers, - there are strong ascending air streams, they carry you back up and don't let you crash.
Excited, the traveler jumps from the rock and crashes to death.
The second of the two jumpers shakes his head in reproach:
- Michael, you are such an asshole for an archangel!

[Crimson Wizard]

And another one


Trying to increase working efficiency and make parliament deputies stay at their places during meetings, officials decided to release lions in the lobby for the sitting time.
It all went nice until an emergency happened, after that lions were returned to the Zoo.
While in the cage, one lion sais to another:
- What the heck did you need that janitor for? I've eaten ten deputies and no one gave a shit.

[Tabata]

[Ali]

A man is traveling across the mountain ridge. On the top he sees two other men who jump from the high rock into crater below, and, surprisingly, do not hit the ground, but rise back to the rock, then jump again. The traveler approaches two jumpers and asks:
- Whoa, dudes, how you do that?
- That's easy, - one of them answers, - there are strong ascending air streams, they carry you back up and don't let you crash.
Excited, the traveler jumps from the rock and crashes to death.
The second of the two jumpers shakes his head in reproach:
- Michael, you are such an asshole for an archangel!

I remember that one from school, but with the punchline: "That Superman's a bastard when he's drunk!".

[kconan]

[EchosofNezhyt]

Haha... Thats funny

[selmiak]

just found this on deviant art and found it amusing

[EchosofNezhyt]

Gross haha. Disturbing is more like it.

[monkey0506]

A dog limps into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw!"

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Buddhist are all on a plane that's going down over the ocean. There's no parachutes, but they think they'll try their luck in jumping into the water. The Christian jumps out, and prays to God all the way down to his watery grave. The Muslim jumps out, and calls out to Allah until the end. The Buddhist jumps out, pleading for the Buddha to save him. Suddenly, two giant golden hands appear, and catch him gently in midair. "Oh thank God!" he said. The hands disappeared and he fell to his death.

Two American rednecks are hunting moose in Canada and they each bag one. The pilot taking them back to the lodge explains that the two moose are too big for him to take in one load, and he'll have to make two trips. "Well that pilot last year took a couple o' moose twice this size, easy..and he done it in one trip!" The pilot, not wanting to be shown up and possibly lose business, told the men to load the moose into the plane. He manages to take off smoothly, but as the weight shifts around, he loses control and crashes about 1000 yards from where he took off at. One of the rednecks looked at the other, "Why he made it twice as far as the guy did last year!"

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse next to a sign that says, "$100 to anyone who can make this horse laugh". The man walks up, and whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately took to laughing, leaving him gasping for breath. Stumped, the barman paid as promised. A few weeks later the same man comes back to the bar and sees the sign now promises $100 to anyone who can make the horse cry. With the barman's position, he takes the horse into the men's restroom. A few seconds later the horse comes out, bawling like a newborn. Truly confused, the barman asks, "How did you do it? First you make him laugh, now he's crying like a baby!" The man explained, "Well, first I told him that my penis was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it whole. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" the players asked him. He apologized, and paid the barman for the cost to replace the cue ball. A few weeks later the man walks in with the same monkey. There are some grapes on the bar, so the monkey runs over, shoves one of the grapes up his bum, pulls it back out, and then eats it. "What is that monkey doing now?" the barman asked. "Well, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all out shopping together. The brunette says, "The other day I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found cigarettes! I can't believe my daughter smokes!" The redhead says, "No, I'll do you one better. I was going through my daughter's purse and I found marijuana. I had no idea she was doing drugs!" With a smile the blonde replied, "I've got you both beat! I was going through my daughter's purse, and I found a condom! I didn't even know my daughter had a penis!"

A blonde is stranded at an airport after some of her luggage is lost, which had most of her money in it. She is explaining the situation to an attendant, and she lets him know that if she can just call her mother, she can have some money wired to her. She doesn't have a phone though, and doesn't have money for the pay phone. Seeing an opportunity, the attendant tells her, "Well I can help you out with that, but you'll have to help me out with something first." She agrees, and follows him into a closed room. He then proceeds to unzip his pants and pulls out his penis. She looks at him confused. "Well, go on..." he says, and motions for her to "help him out". She gets on her knees, and takes his penis in her hand, putting it up to her mouth. "Hello, mom?"

[EchosofNezhyt]

Them were pretty funny except the last one.

Thanks!


Edit:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Crimson Wizard]

In the light of this topic: http://www.adventuregamestudio.co.uk/yabb/index.php?topic=46389.0

WARNING: offending content inside.

Spoiler

A man, who lived all his life in the secluded village, travels to Africa to join the hunting contest. Before the contest the judges explain the participants the rules; one of those is that under no circumstances they should kill black rhinoceros, since they are considered rare animals.
Then the contest starts and the hunters walk into the savanna. After three days they come back. The judges ask everyone what they killed, and the village man sais:
- I killed ten nosirs.
- What is nosir?
- Well, I kept walking in savanna and suddenly saw a strange black figure. I asked: are you rhinoceros? And he said: nosir.

[close]

[Snarky]

Did you hear about the Swede who died in a hunting accident?

He was out following some tracks, and everything was going fine until the train hit him.

[Stupot]

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

Spoiler

An elephant with diarrhoea.

[close]

What has four legs and one arm?

Spoiler

A Doberman in a playground.

[close]

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."

[Mouth for war]

Did you hear about the Swede who died in a hunting accident?

He was out following some tracks, and everything was going fine until the train hit him.

I could tell you're NORWEGIAN by reading that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DECLARE WAAAAAAAAR

[Tabata]

... I DECLARE WAAAAAAAAR

What a shocking surprise 

... to hear something like this from you, Mr. "Mouth for war" 

[Intense Degree]

What would happen if girls had apostrophes instead of periods?

They would be possessive and prone to contractions.

Ba-doom-tish!

[Mouth for war]

What did the buffalo say when his oldest child left for college?
Answer: "Bison!"

[Mouth for war]

Last week, a fortune teller told me I'd come into some money. Last night, I had sex with a girl named Penny. Is that spooky or what?

[Mouth for war]

A guy ran into his ex-wife. "You know, while I had sex with my girlfriend last night I kept thinking of you." His ex- looked pleased. "Because you miss me?" "No. It makes me last longer!"

[Renodox]

A chicken farmer comes home with a new stud rooster.  When the rooster is released he goes to the old stud rooster and tells him, "Outta here pops!  I'm the cock of the walk now!"  "Are you sure you can handle all these hens?" asked the old rooster, "Just look at what they did to me!"  "I can handle it!" boasted the young rooster, "You're a fossil and I'm better then you ever were!"  "Is that so?" asked the old rooster, "Then I propose a challenge.  We race around the barn.  Whoever manages to win the race is the stud around here.  Deal?"  "Ha!" crowed the young rooster, "That won't be a problem!  In fact, I'll give you a head start!"  So the roosters go to the side of the barn and the old rooster starts running.  When he has nearly reached the corner of the barn the young rooster starts running.  The two run around the corner and the young rooster starts to catch up.  They turn the corner again and are now in view of the farmer.  The farmer grabs his shotgun and blasts the young rooster away!  "Darn!" shouts the farmer, "That's the third gay rooster I've purchased this week!"

[NickyNyce]

A man and his wife are in the bank, they're just about to walk up to the window when a man with a mask bursts in and demands money from the teller.

As the teller is handing over the money, the bank robbers mask falls off. He quickly grabs it and puts it back on and says to the teller... DID YOU SEE MY FACE?!!

She rolls her eyes and says... yes. The bank robber raises his gun and shoots her dead.

He now turns to the married couple behind him and asks the man, DID YOU SEE MY FACE?!!

The man says, NO!....but my wife did!