Insult Swordfighting

The Premise

Insult Swordfighting was a unique and interesting puzzle featured in most of the Monkey Island adventure games by LucasArts. The premise was that, as Guybrush, you would swordfight various pirates and eventually the Swordmaster. A sucessful counter to an insult means that you're one step closer to defeating the other person. The entire point of Insult Swordfighting in the Monkey Island games was to learn enough comebacks that you could use with the Swordmaster. Although the Swordmaster's insults are entirely different than the pirates' insults, the same comebacks can be used with certain ones.

After picking a fight with a pirate, Guybrush always has first shot at insulting.

• If the pirate cannot respond, Guybrush takes the advantage and gets to pick the next insult (but doesn't learn anything).
• If the pirate gives the correct response, the advantage goes to him and he picks the next insult (but Guybrush learns the response and has a chance at hearing a new insult).
• Whoever gains the advantage three times in the match, wins.

The more insults you acquire, the more responses you're capable of hearing. When you've collected the bare minimum of responses, the game tells you that you're good enough to fight the Swordmaster.

The Swordmaster always has the advantage as she always picks the insults, and her insults cannot be heard anywhere else. Guybrush has to choose one of his previously learned responses to fit the insult. Pick the right response enough times, and you win.

Going back to the pirates and using a Swordmaster insult on them is a guaranteed advantage. The pirates can't ever give a proper respose to them, however, so there's no way of using the pirates to figure out the correct response to a SM insult. That part of the game requires the player's imagination and thought, and a bit of trial and error.

Insults and Proper Responses

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

Below is a list of all the insults (both Swordmaster and Pirate) and their correct responses, organized by game.

The Secret of Monkey Island

Pirates

My handkerchief will wipe up your blood

So you got that job as janitor, after all.

Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!

First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.

He must have taught everything you know.

This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!

And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?

Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will!

You run THAT fast?

People fall at my feet when they see me coming.

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

You make me want to puke.

You make me think somebody already did.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

I've spoken with apes more polite than you.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?

Why, did you want to borrow one?

You have the manners of a beggar.

I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

There are no words for how disgusting you are.

Yes there are. You just never learned them.

You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.

I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

You fight like a dairy farmer.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow

Swordmaster

My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!

So you got that job as janitor, after all.

My tongue is sharper than any sword!

First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

Only once I have met such a coward!

He must have taught everything you know.

I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today.

And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?

No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.

You run THAT fast?

My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

If your brother is like you, better to marry a pig.

You make me think somebody already did.

My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.

Why, did you want to borrow one?

Every word you say to me is stupid.

I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

There are no clever moves that can help you now.

Yes there are. You just never learned them.

I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!

I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

You are a pain in the backside, sir!

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

The Curse of Monkey Island

(To be added by myself.)

Escape From Monkey Island

(To be added by myself.)