Fortnightly Writing Competition - ... and double that! (Results)

[Sinitrena]

... and double that!


Welcome to the next round of the Fortnightly Writing Competition.

This round, we think in doubles. Your job is it to write a story that contains something that is doubled in one way or the other. It could be a story about twins, a doppleganger, a bill that is unexpectedly double the expected - anything that is somehow twice as much as expected, in the widest interpretation possible. (Correction: whatever is doubled doesn't need to be unexpected.)

But that is not all. When we double something in the stories, why not double the stories as well? The challenge is to write a story of 200 to 600 words and then tell the same story again with double the number of words, always plus the title. (For example, your version 1 is 321 words, then your version 2 needs to be 642 words.) Obviously, the initial word limit does not apply for the second version.

Each version of the story should feel complete and should be able to stand on its own.

In short:
- Write a story where something is doubled.
- It should be between 200 and 600 words long.
- Write a second version of your story, with double the number of words.
- Deadline: 18. June

You will have 2 votes at the end, one for the short versions, one for the long versions. Depending on the number of entries, there will be 1st, 2nd, 3rd place votes per version.


Happy Writing!

[Mandle]

Ah, I think maybe the "write the same story again with double the words" might be better as an additional challenge, rather than mandatory. Maybe it could decide tiebreakers if it comes down to that?

Because, I for one, will NOT be writing the same story twice. Honestly, I can't imagine anything more tedious. Even writing the long version first and then paring it down to half means so much planned filler that it makes my head spin.

EDIT: After my initial response, I see there are ways to make this work and for it to be interesting for both the writer and the reader. All good. (The double-story part might still work better as an optional step, though)

[brushfe]

What a cool concept! I'd love to try a writing competition here. Thanks so much for creating such a creative challenge.

Two small questions:
1. Can the second story's additional words elaborate on the plot of the first, or does it have to retell exactly the same story?
2. To clarify, should the title of the second story also be double twice as long as the title of the first?

[Sinitrena]

Honestly, I can't imagine anything more tedious. Even writing the long version first and then paring it down to half means so much planned filler that it makes my head spin.

EDIT: After my initial response, I see there are ways to make this work and for it to be interesting for both the writer and the reader. All good. (The double-story part might still work better as an optional step, though)

I'm glad you see how it could work now. It's meant to challenge how we approach writing, how the length of a story shapes how we tell it.
Of course, I can't force anybody to give us two versions of their stories. (I could disqualify, but considering the number of entries we normally get, you know I won't do that.) But I told you how voting will work this round, so if you only write one version, you'll only be eligable for half the points. 

1. Can the second story's additional words elaborate on the plot of the first, or does it have to retell exactly the same story?

It can elaborate, of course. Otherwise, you would just add purple prose to the already existing skeleton of a story, that's not the point. But if you add too much additional content, the question becomes if it is still the same story. That's part of the challenge. So, choose wisely!

2. To clarify, should the title of the second story also be double twice as long as the title of the first?

I assumed the title would stay the same. It doesn't need to be doubled, but it can i you want to.

[Stupot]

I have already written a first draft of a 600-word story. Needs an edit but I'll have to leave it for today.

[brushfe]

Lejeune Landing

A peculiar case about a jon boat in the Louisiana bayous (reference).

This is a structure I've always wanted to try, I hope it's successful... Thanks for a great challenge and good luck to everyone!

Part 1 (600 words)

Spoiler

Cameron Parish Police Department
Incident: #2025-000246
Initial Report of Deputy Gabe Dupre, Badge #194
Location: Lejeune Landing, Cameron Parish, Louisiana
Submitted: July 5, 2025

CPPD received a call from the witness, William Pellerin, at 05:18 reporting "a female body in a jon boat" docked at what locals call "Lejeune Landing" just off LA 82. Witness advised to remain on scene until our arrival. CPPD officer Keith Vidrine was radioed to meet on scene.

I met Officer Vidrine on scene at 05:41. We interviewed the witness together. The victim was found as described, but more specifically: the body lay contored on a blue tarp, within an unmarked, grey/green, late model 10' flat aluminum skiff. Signs of struggle were evident in the victim's pose and appearance. The victim showed no vital signs.

Full witness testimony is attached. In summary, witness found the victim as he walked to his boat at the far end. Night watch was not present (this is a makeshift set of four docks on the inlet, with no marina office). Witness stated two other fishermen live on their boats, both moored on the near end, but he "didn't see nobody, not this morning, not last night." Officer Vidrine canvassed the boats but had no response, and did not find either of the individuals.

The jon boat was inspected, photographed, and catalogued. It will remain under tape overnight and towed to CPPD impound for forensic processing at 08:00 on July 6 (Bayou Black Towing, Truck #4).

Requested collection from Coroner.

Scene inventory list and photos attached. Map of the area and waterways also attached.

Signed and dated on reverse.


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Cameron Parish Coroner's Office
Preliminary Findings Report
PD Reference #2025-00246
Written for Deputy Gabe Dupre, Cameron Parish Police Department
July 5, 2025

As requested, we have fast-tracked our initial findings:

• Victim unofficially identified as Amber Arnaud (name featured in a tattoo on the left thigh).
• Estimated Time of Death: 10pm July 4 — 2am July 5.
• Preliminary signs of asphyxiation by force.
• Large contusion on back of head. Bruising on wrists, knuckles, knees, and feet.
• Tox indicates trace amounts of benzodiazepine; sent to LSU Forensic.

Deputy, I'm required to remind you this is strictly preliminary. All of the above is inadmissible until confirmed. Official report in due course.

EM


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Cameron Parish Police Department
Report of Officer Keith Vidrine, Badge #401
Addendum to Incident: #2025-000246
Submitted: July 6, 2025

Following the events of the Initial Report, July 5, I was stationed at the scene until 20:00, until relieved by Officer Landry for night watch. Nothing notable occurred during my watch. However, the weather had turned to a bluster by 16:00, and I was concerned about rain and its effect on the scene.

The next morning, on July 6th, I arrived to resume my post and to wait for towing. Landry reported nothing unusual during her watch. Neither fisherman had returned to their boat. Nobody else had arrived. The winds had kept up overnight, but there had been no rain.

However, when we inspected the scene again, Landry noticed that the blue tarp was missing from the boat. We performed an immediate search of the area, but were unsuccessful. No evidence of foot traffic or transportation. No other tampering was discovered. The two fishing boats, being residences, could not be searched without warrant.

Deputy Dupre was notified of the tampered scene. Following procedure, he contacted and updated Louisiana State Police. Captain Broussard arrived at approximately 17:30. He questioned myself and Officer Landry, who was recommended for suspension due to failing to keep proper watch over the scene.

[close]

Part 2 (1200 words)

Spoiler

LOUISIANA STATE POLICE ACADEMY
Training and Testing Materials

SECTION 8.a: CRIMINAL COURT TESTIMONY

These excerpts are from real-world court testimony. The officer's exemplary performance is instructive in many ways. Cadets should aim for this level of professionalism and knowledge in their testimony.

Full transcript available on request.


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8.a.1  INTRODUCTIONS

Notice how precise the officer's replies are. This shows the jury that you are capable and experienced, which makes your testimony more credible.


Prosecutor (PR): Please identify yourself for the record.

LSP: Captain Jacob Broussard, LSP Criminal Investigations, Badge 737.

PR: And how are you attached to this case?

LSP: On July 6th, Cameron Parish PD requested assistance with a tampered crime scene. I arrived that same day.


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8.a.2  EXAMINATION

When the court wants specifics, you must be 100%. Inaccuracies are unacceptable in factual testimony.


PR: You may continue.

LSP: The scene was a row of four bayou docks, the sort of landing locals build themselves and use for shallow fishing. The focus was on a jon boat. Two days before—

PR: —The 5th of July—

LSP: Yes. CPPD received a call about a body in the jon boat.

PR: As stated in Deputy Dupre's testimony, this was the victim identified as Amber Arnaud.

LSP: The Coroner removed the body, and the boat remained in the water until the next—excuse me, July 6th—when the tow arrived.

PR: Why wasn't the boat removed immediately?

LSP: You'd have to ask Deputy Dupre. This was July long weekend. Tow trucks make a lot more money on the DUIs than pulling boats around for us.


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8.a.3  GIVING EVIDENCE

The officer knows he can only provide his opinion, and that experts will be called to verify his statements. So he uses a casual tone, to make his ideas sound like common sense to the jury.


PR: The Captain refers to Exhibit E, a photograph of the jon boat taken on July 6th.

LSP: You can see here the tarp is missing.

PR: Did you notice anything else in this "second boat"?

LSP: It was clean. Not a scratch on it. I'd say it'd been in the water two or three times. And in my view, the victim had never been inside it.

PR: Why not?

LSP: There wasn't a mark inside, either. In most cases, victims of strangulation do everything they can to fight back—kick, claw, wrestle, anything. Officer Landry recalled that the victim wore false nails and high heels when seen at a party. Those alone would leave a lot of signature in the tin.

PR: So what was your conclusion?

LSP: There was a second boat.


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8.a.4  SIMPLIFYING COMPLEXITY

Here, the officer's ability to simplify complexity was crucial in giving the jury a clear picture of the accused's actions.


PR: Could you explain this "double boat" theory again, in simpler terms?

LSP: Call them first boat and second boat. On July 5th, the body was discovered in the first boat. This boat sat in the water all day, under the guard of Officer Vidrine. That night, while Officer Landry was on watch, the first boat was replaced with the second, identical boat.

PR: Replaced? How does a boat get replaced?

LSP: Someone rowed it there.

PR: Captain Broussard, I asked for simple terms, not riddles.

LSP: Alright. I'll start over.

PR: Please.

LSP: On July 4th, the accused and Amber Arnaud were seen at a party in the Great Prairie RV park, a mile from the crime scene. Near dawn, they were seen leaving together. They traveled on foot to Lejeune Landing, where Cameron Parish confirms the accused owns and resides in the Southpaw, a fishing boat which was moored on the near end when CPPD arrived. At some point, Ms Arnaud was drugged with benzodiazepine. I believe that before the drugs took effect, Ms Arnaud tried to escape, but was caught by the accused around the jon boat.

PR: Why do you claim this happened before the drugs took effect?

LSP: The Coroner discovered only trace amounts of the drug in her system, so it's likely she saw what was happening. There were also no signs of sexual assault.

PR: Go on.

LSP: Ms Arnaud may have called for help, but the landing was empty at that time of morning. As in most cases, the accused would've turned to strangulation to stop her calling out. The contusion in the victim's head matches a dent in the first boat.

PR: We're back to the two boats.

LSP: Ms Arnaud lay on the tarp in the first boat, where CPPD has photographed clear signs of struggle in the aluminum and some blood. There was probably hair, fingerprints, and DNA from the accused, too. Knowing that the other fishermen would come at first light, the accused wouldn't have enough time to get rid of the boat. Instead, he'd have to hide it. If you show the photos—

PR: —the Captain refers to Exhibits J through N.

LSP: That's the hull of the first boat. That's the area under the tarp. Twelve punctures were made in the hull, and each hole filled with a weak epoxy. The weight of the body on the tarp created a temporary seal. When the body was removed, the seal broke, and the epoxy slowly gave way. Over the next twelve hours or so, the first boat sank, and the wind took the tarp out to the Gulf.

PR: The first boat sank? It's river, Captain, not quicksand. Surely you could still see it.

LSP: These waters aren't your bathtub. It's a roux. You can't see six inches down for all the mud. This river is only two feet deep here, plenty of space for a jon boat to sit on the bottom and you'd never know it. But that's what we found.

PR: What else did you find? On the Southpaw, the boat belonging to the accused?

LSP: Once we had warrants, we found diluted marine-grade epoxy that matched the remains on the first boat, and a rail spike hidden under the bed, which fit the hull punctures. A champagne bottle was also found, the kind served at the RV park party. And as you know, we found the accused, hiding in the locker. He didn't expect to be standing in there for so long.

PR: And finally, the second boat?

LSP: Sinking the first boat would've been enough. Every trace of the accused and the victim was gone. But the drilled holes would mean further investigation. The cover of the coming storm was a chance to get a new boat in its place, and the accused had all day to find a replacement.

PR: Where do you believe it came from?

LSP: As CPPD has testified, a local up the river had reported their new jon boat stolen. The accused, a fisherman, could've found that boat during the day, and led it quiety downriver that night, straight into Lejeune Landing.

PR: Thank you Captain.


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8.a.5  EXERCISES

Your instructor has developed exercises based on the four parts above. Study these excerpts in preparation in advance of your participation, and record your scores in the spaces provided.


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State #997-393-1846. Local #2025-000246.

[close]

[Mandle]

The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity

600-word version:

Spoiler

      So, there I was, recently dead, at the doors of hell.  The gatekeeper, a guy with each half of his two heads slewing off in magma eruptions of boiling flesh, for whatever sins he had committed in his long-ago life, pushed a flier into my hand.  I read it:

"WELCOME TO HELL.  WE APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS.  YOUR FIRST TASK:  FOR EVERY PIECE OF LITTER YOU THREW AWAY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, YOU MUST PICK UP ONE BILLION.  NO TONGS ALLOWED.  YOU CAN ONLY BEND FROM THE SPINE.  AND YOU MUST KEEP COUNT."

      I scanned down to the bottom of the page.  I had thrown away 1674 pieces of garbage, anywhere from burger wrappers to cigarette butts, it seemed. 

      So, I started down the edges of parks and roads they had set out for me:

      "One... Two... Three...," my back already hurt, but I continued on through, stuffing bits of trash into the bottomless bag, "two-hundred-and-five... two-hundred-and-six," until I finally lost count around the three-thousand mark.

      So, I started over.  I got to just before five-hundred-thousand the next time, if I remember right, before I miscounted on an orange peel and the demon overseers dragged me screaming back to the start with their many, many limbs.

      Forever later, not having had a single bite of food or drop of drink in several millennia, I miscounted "five billion, three-hundred and twenty-two million, seven-thousand and thirty-two," when it should have been "five billion, three-hundred and twenty-two million, seven-thousand and thirty-three."

      They dragged me back to the start, again.  Fuck, my back hurt as I began over: "One... Two... Three... Four... Five...."  I once got up above a trillion after a million or so more attempts, before I flubbed a number again.  I think it might have been on, "One trillion, three-hundred and sixty-five billion, nine-million and forty-five thousand, three-hundred and seventy-one."  That time I flubbed it by misspeaking the "billion" part as "sixty-fife" instead of "sixty-five" through a slip of my parched tongue, for fucks sake.

      Now, I'm on my something-billionth or trillionth run.  So many runs before this ended just because of me saying "Fuck this!" or "Screw you!" in the early hundred-millions or billions, back when I was a newbie and thought I didn't care if this ever ended or not.

      But now I really care, as I approach the goal, trying really hard this time not to flub a single line:

      "One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine..."

      The demon overseers gather in on me, flaming tentacles racing across the tarmac, hot bubbling asphalt in their wake, their millions of eyes intent on me, as I finally utter, "One trillion six hundred forty-seven billion," flawlessly.

      A guy I'd spoken briefly with a few million times, in passing, flies by above, dragged across the flaming sky on the impossible wings of his captors, giving me a thumbs-up and shouting down something I can't hear, but smiling.

      He's happy at least, and I am, too, as an icy spider-claw hands me the next letter of instruction.  It reads:

"HELL HERE, AGAIN.  MUCH LOVE.  YOUR SECOND TASK:  FOR EVERY PERSON YOU EVER LIED TO, YOU MUST TELL A BILLION OTHERS ONE UNIQUE AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH.  NO DOUBLING UP!"

      I turn around and there's a line of people right in front of me, reducing off into the distance.  I tell the first lady, "Coffee is good for you in moderation."

      The line shuffles and reforms.

[close]

1200-word version:

Spoiler

      So, there I was, recently dead, at the doors of hell.  The gatekeeper, a guy with each half of his two heads slewing off in magma eruptions of boiling flesh, for whatever sins he had committed in his long-ago life, pushed a flier into my hand.  I read it:

"WELCOME TO HELL.  WE APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS.  YOUR FIRST TASK:  FOR EVERY PIECE OF LITTER YOU THREW AWAY IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, YOU MUST PICK UP ONE BILLION.  NO TONGS ALLOWED.  YOU CAN ONLY BEND FROM THE SPINE.  AND YOU MUST KEEP COUNT."

      I scanned down to the bottom of the page.  I had thrown away 1674 pieces of garbage, anywhere from burger wrappers to cigarette butts, it seemed. 

      So, I started down the edges of parks and roads they had set out for me:

      "One... Two... Three...," my back already hurt, but I continued on through, stuffing bits of trash into the bottomless bag, "two-hundred-and-five... two-hundred-and-six," until I finally lost count around the three-thousand mark.

      So, I started over.  I got to just before five-hundred thousand the next time, if I remember right, before I miscounted on an orange peel and the demon overseers dragged me screaming back to the start with their many, many limbs.

      Forever later, not having had a single bite of food or drop of drink in several millennia, I miscounted "five billion, three-hundred and twenty-two million, seven-thousand and thirty-two," when it should have been "five billion, three-hundred and twenty-two million, seven-thousand and thirty-three."

      They dragged me back to the start, again.  Fuck, my back hurt as I began over: "One... Two... Three... Four... Five...."  I once got up above a trillion after a million or so more attempts, before I flubbed a number again.  I think it might have been on, "One trillion, three-hundred and sixty-five billion, nine-million and forty-five thousand, three-hundred and seventy-one."  That time I flubbed it by misspeaking the "billion" part as "sixty-fife" instead of "sixty-five" through a slip of my parched tongue, for fucks sake.

      Now, I'm on my something-billionth or trillionth run.  So many runs before this ended just because of me saying "Fuck this!" or "Screw you!" in the early hundred-millions or billions, back when I was a newbie and thought I didn't care if this ever ended or not.

      But now I really care, as I approach the goal, trying really hard this time not to flub a single word, my future on the line:

      "One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-five... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-six... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-seven... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-eight... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and sixty-nine... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy ... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-one... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-two... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-three... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-four... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-five... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-six... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-seven... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-eight... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-nine... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-one... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-two... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-three... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-four... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-five... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-six... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-seven... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-eight... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-one... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-two... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-three... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-four... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-five... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-six... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-seven... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight... One trillion six hundred forty-six billion nine hundred ninety-nine million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine..."

      The demon overseers gather in on me, flaming tentacles racing across the tarmac, hot bubbling asphalt in their wake, their millions of eyes intent on me, as I finally utter, "One trillion six hundred forty-seven billion," flawlessly.

      A guy I'd spoken briefly with a few million times, in passing, flies by above, dragged across the flaming sky on the impossible wings of his captors, giving me a thumbs-up and shouting down something I can't hear, but smiling.

      He's happy at least, and I am, too, as an icy spider-claw hands me the next letter of instruction.  It reads:

"HELL HERE, AGAIN.  MUCH LOVE.  YOUR SECOND TASK:  FOR EVERY PERSON YOU EVER LIED TO, YOU MUST TELL A BILLION OTHERS ONE UNIQUE AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH.  NO DOUBLING UP!"

      I turn around and there's a line of people right in front of me, reducing off into the distance.  I tell the first lady, "Coffee is good for you in moderation."

      The line shuffles and reforms.

[close]

[Mandle]

My second entry, where I have disregarded the word-count for syllable-count, instead, under my FWC-certified poetic license:

HIGH COUP


17-syllable version:

Spoiler

Abraham spoke out,
Slavery needing crushing,
His face growing grim.

[close]

34-syllable version:

Spoiler

Trump sat, TV on,
Ass-groove of sofa fitting,
His face all agrin.

His tin soldiers fought,
Crushing, doubting their reloads,
As the slaves pushed in.

[close]

[Stupot]

I wrote a 600 word story early on but have not had time to do the double version, and the next few days are a write-off, so to speak. So I hearby post only my 600-word story.

I'm aware of its many flaws, some of which I was hoping to address in the longer version, but I hope you find something to like about it.



"My name is John, and I'm a clone."

Spoiler

The small, intimate circle of men and women in the cluttered community hall clapped warmly.

"Welcome to the group, John." That was Ethan. He ran the group. "Would you care to tell us what brought you to this point?"

John looked around. The room was fairly dim, but there was enough light to see the faces with reasonable clarity. He'd had enough practice to sense the difference between a clone and an original. And except for Ethan, these guys were all clones.

"Well, let's see..." he scratched his head, then stroked his beard nervously, "I suppose I was brought up in a loving home. School was okay. I was an okay student. Only child. Parents doted on me, probably a little too much. Wouldn't let me out of their sight until I was old enough to move out. But..."

A woman opposite him spoke. "Let me guess... You have no early memories?"

Around the room, heads nodded.

"Correct." John surprised himself by choking up suddenly. Tears formed in his eyes. "Nothing before the age of 8. It was like I suddenly woke up and just... there I was."

He looked down at his own hands, each clutching the other tightly. He released the grip and forced himself to still his bouncing leg. He looked up.

"I knew things. I could speak English, and even a little bit of French that I... or my original... must have learned in school. I could tie my laces; I could tell the time; and I recognized my family and friends, to some extent..."

"But you felt no connection to them." Ethan stood up and walked towards John with his arms out. John stood and the two men, strangers just five minutes ago, embraced as warmly as if they were long lost brothers.

Other members of the group stood and joined in. John broke down in sobs as he was enveloped by the group. He hugged them each in turn, sobbing.

Once he had pulled himself together and everyone was back in their seats, a large man asked the question on everybody's mind: "So. How did you find out?"

It occurred to John that everyone in this room would have a "finding out" story.

"As soon as I knew clones existed, I knew I was one. My parents had been careful, though. No records or signs around the house. And they never said anything to give it away."

John paused, but the expectant silence reminded him he hadn't strictly answered the question.

"It was a guy I met in a bar when I was 23. He was just staring at me. I thought maybe he was into me, but then he ran away. I don't know what possessed me, but I chased him outside and told him to tell me what was going on. He looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

"He vomited down his shirt and I took him back inside for a glass of water. He explained that when he was a child, visiting relatives, he saw me in the woods... dead. I'd accidentally hung myself on a rope swing. He ran away and never told anybody. He'd lived with that secret for 15 years. And when he saw me in the bar that night, even though I was an adult, he knew it was me."

"Shit," said the large man from earlier. Then, "We telling him?"

John raised a brow. "Telling me what?"

Ethan stood up again, removed his glasses and cap, and moved under a light.

John was looking at himself.

[close]

[Sinitrena]

Last day (and a bit) for entries! Don't forget to post!

[Baron]

Sorry, it's been a rough fortnight and I won't be able to make a submission. It's been a busy time at work, kids sports schedules are in overdrive, and my wife's been in and out of hospital so I've been on double duty. 

[Sinitrena]

Best wishes to your wife, Baron, I hope everything is okay.


--------------------------------


But with that, submissions are closed for this round. These are our entries:

- Lejeune Landing by brushfe
- The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity by Mandle
- High Coup by Mandle
- "My name is John, and I'm a clone." by Stupot

It is now time to vote. You may vote for a 1st (2 points) and 2nd place (1 point) for the short versions and a 1st and 2nd place for the long versions (so 4 votes in total). Please compare the short versions only to the short versions and the long versions only to the long versions. You can give both your first places (or second) to the same group of stories. Unfortunately, Stupot did not manage to get a long version in, so he is only eligable for votes in the short version category.

Voting deadline: 23th June.

[Stupot]

Unfortunately, Stupot did not manage to get a long version in, so he is only eligable for votes in the short version category.

That's what she said

[Baron]

@ Brushfe

Spoiler

This was an interesting read. I liked how you set up the mystery in the short version and then resolved it in a different format in the long version. The doubling up of the boats was a clever twist to fit the format. The storm must have been a surprise for the accused murderer, for otherwise it would be just easier to row the first boat away when the second one arrived? And then there was the problem of the cops already having the body and the pictures... I guess, in the end, murderous fishermen just aren't that smart.

[close]

@ Mandle

Spoiler

Well, the doubled up story of "Stupid Things" is almost kinda the exact story except for a lot of tedious counting.    The doubling of the "stupid things" with the second task fits the theme, but the repetitive nature of the punishments made it hard for the story to gain traction in my imagination. "High Coup" was slightly better, having started with a punny title. The juxtaposition of an ancient leader condemning slavery and a modern one encouraging it was thought provoking, although highly selective (the majority of ancient leaders had no issue with slavery and the majority of modern elected presidents strongly oppose it). I liked how it seemed like the slaves would carry the day, although I struggle to see what is doubled.

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@ Stupot

Spoiler

The premise is very interesting and the twist was out of left-field. I understood the room was darkened, but I relied on Clone John's observational abilities too much: he was able to discern the cloneliness of everyone in the room, but not the familiar facial characteristics (not to mention voice and speaking patterns) of Original John? The two Johns definitely fits the doubling theme, but I was disappointed not to get a more in-depth story detailing exactly what is going on.

[close]

VOTING: I vote short story Stupot (1st) and Brushfe (2nd). I vote long story Brushfe (1st) and Mandle High Coup (2nd).

[Stupot]

Short
1st (2pts) - The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity by Mandle
2nd (1pt) - Lejeune Landing by Brushfe

Doubled
1st (2pts) - Lejeune Landing by Brushfe
2nd (1pt) - High Coup by Mandle

Spoiler

In the case of Brushfe's story, I preferred the doubled version (or more accurately, the whole 1800-word story) compared to the shorter 600-word version.

As for Mandle's, the 600-word story was fun. The doubled version was a funny gag, but doesn't really earn any extra points, so I've given the point to the doubled version of High Coup.

[close]

[Mandle]

Votes (for now, to make deadline)

Short
1st: "My name is John, and I'm a clone." by Stupot
2nd: "Lejeune Landing" by brushfe

Double
1st: "Lejeune Landing" by brushfe
2nd: "The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity" by Mandle

(First time in FWC history where it's acceptable (even necessary) to vote for one's own story? I chose the one that has zero chance of winning. I mean, by that logic, I could have just left it blank, but this seemed like too historic a moment to miss out on.)

[brushfe]

What a fantastic variety of ways to meet the challenge!

@Mandle

Spoiler

"STUPID THINGS"
I loved this cheeky, clever way of tackling the double rule. I called out loud "no way!" when I realized what you were doing in the long version, and it was because of how well you'd set it up in the short version. The idea of specificity being a rule in hell was great, and I'm certain that if hell exists that this story could be a documentary.

"HIGH COUP"
The cleverness continues from the title through the poems. After seeing all the long-form entries, it was refreshing to see such a succinct pair punching at the same weight. These both gave me a great deal to think about; I read them multiple times, and the way they worked together was very well crafted. The ass-groove line felt unnecessarily awkward, but its crass style helped emotionally separate the longer from the shorter even more. I hope you write (or have written) more poetry!

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@Stupot

Spoiler

The way you humanized the clone was really lovely, and I genuinely felt quite sorry for him just a few lines into the story. Even that image of a circle of concerned supporters, I wasn't sure if they were a community or a cult (I'm still not!). And I really enjoyed that you took so much time to hear the story, the source of the trauma, right up until the end. That's probably because I felt so much sympathy for the character... but from a plot point of view, I found it odd that a support group would just surprise him with such a severe truth, instead of easing it in. Maybe a little more time on the group deliberating the reveal would help, but that's only in retrospect. At the time, keeping up with the emotional rollercoaster was so much fun. I really wanted to know how the story continued.

[close]

@Baron

Spoiler

I hope everything worked out for you and your family. And thanks so much for taking the time to vote and provide such thoughtful feedback in the middle of all that, it means a lot!

[close]

Short
1st: "My name is John, and I'm a clone." by Stupot
2nd: "High Coup" by Mandle

Double
1st: "High Coup" by Mandle
2nd: "The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity" by Mandle

[Sinitrena]

And that's voting done!

(First time in FWC history where it's acceptable (even necessary) to vote for one's own story? I chose the one that has zero chance of winning. I mean, by that logic, I could have just left it blank, but this seemed like too historic a moment to miss out on.)

I apologize, that was an oversight on my part. I didn't realise that due to the configuration of the entries, there was no real choice for you in the long version category. Oops. Sorry. As an exception, your vote for yourself is accepted.


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Lejeune Landing:

Spoiler

This is an interesting story, but I don't think either version works without the other. The short version hardly sets up the mystery, as there are many, many other explanations for the other boat, and the long version misses a lot of details of what the case is actually about. Taken together, this is a very interesting story though, with an interesting mystery, an overall fascinating case and great sollucion. I could critique some of the questions/answers in court, as I think some wouldn't be allowed in real life, for example because they're calling for speculation or because the police testifies to something that falls into the perview of the coroner, but these are minor details overall. It's a good story and I'm glad you found your way to our little competition.

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The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity

Spoiler

There's obviously no substantial difference between long and short version here, the more surprised I was to find one sentence (except for the counting, obviously) that was actually changed: Short: "But now I really care, as I approach the goal, trying really hard this time not to flub a single line:"; Long: "But now I really care, as I approach the goal, trying really hard this time not to flub a single word, my future on the line: A weird little difference one could probably write a whole thesis on ;-)
The approach to the topic is basically the oposite to brushfe's. Where they have two versions that require each other to get the full picture, yours doesn't really change or add anything. I like the story in and of itself. The punishment is clever, tedious and in a way very classic - as in, it reminds me very much of Sysiphus.

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High Coup:

Spoiler

This again, is an entry that requires both parts to give the full picture to the reader. The contrast between Abraham and Trump (and theor opinion) can only be seen when reading both poems. But it creates an interesting, thought-provoking contrast.

[close]

"My name is John, and I'm a clone."

Spoiler

I think I like the doubled element in this story the most; it is also clearest here. The idea of a clone self-help group (Clones Annonymous?) is clever and the way clones are apparently used to replace loved ones is an interesting trigger point for trauma. The ending felt a bit abrupt and also a bit unclear. So, Ethan is the originall John? Then what did the guy in the bar see as a kid? Or Ethan is another clone, but apparently all in the room exapt Etan are clones. I'm sure a longer version would have cleaned up these questions and I'm sad we didn't get to read it.

[close]

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And here are the results:

Short Versions:

- High Coup  - 1 point
- The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity - 2 points
- Lejeune Landing - 3 points
- "My name is John, and I'm a clone." - 6 points


Long Versions:

- The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity - 2 points
- High Coup  - 4 points
- Lejeune Landing - 6 points


And that gives us the following overall result:

- The Stupid Things They Have Us Do in Hell to Pass Eternity - 4 points and our 4th place
- High Coup  - 5 points and our 3rd place
- "My name is John, and I'm a clone." - 6 points and our 2nd place
- Lejeune Landing - 9 points and our 1st place!


Congratulations to brushfe for winning this round of the Fortnightly Writing Competition.
It's your turn now to start the next round.

See you there.

[Mandle]

@Sinitrena The difference in that one other sentence is not really worth any thesis-writing: it's just that the long, complex numbers involved in the counting couldn't make the story end up at the wordcount needed to be exactly double the short version.