The Barret

[=The=Brat=]

http://www.2dadventure.com/ags/The_Barret.doc

My first Story Wow    .I only give you up to chapter 3

non formatted.

Hope you like it so far

[What a loser.]

Nice short story. 

[=The=Brat=]

But still in progress. Im up to chapter 5 but no one else can read it until i get some more replies. 

[=The=Brat=]

sorry for double posting but it seems im slipping off the list with only one reply so this will put me back up in the recent posts. hope im not doing anything wrong. my last post was three days ago.

[FrogMarch]

Hey Brat.

I can understand that you're kinda anxious to get your story read, but bumping posts is kinda against the rules. If you really want some feedback on your story, here's a good place to go:

Great Writing

It's UK based, but it'll probably be of use to you anyway.

[Mr Jake]

bumping your post as it goes off the end of the page isn't against the rules afaik.

Anyway, with the story you really need to read it yourself and correct alot of things that don't make sense.  For example they were captured by the enemy, yet they one of their pet dogs with them.

[Nacho]

But Brat, if people do not reply it might be by a lot of reasons, like that they don't feel capable to criticise a writing, or that they don't think they could add something to improve it.

You can't make your threads jump to the first place of the forums forever if people can't help you.

EDIT: Ok... the same the other "quick trigger" guys said! ^_^

[Raider]

Just be patient. If no body replies then don't feel down, people may not want to post. People may not have had time to read it. So don't get sad Ã, 
Get your mother or someone to look at it. Ã, 
[EDIT]-------------
People reply to fast... 

[Khris]

Maybe you should start with correcting the trivial spelling errors. (would of -> would have).

Apart from that, the style is quite messy. You definitely need to rewrite some passages. I understand that you want to write like a professional author, but maybe you should keep it a bit simpler.

This may sound harsh, but I myself used to write short stories for the school paper, and when reading those now, I still feel a bit embarassed about what I thought would be great at that time.

[=The=Brat=]

Get your mother or someone to look at it. 
[EDIT]-------------
People reply to fast... 

My mum is a indonesian teacher. I dont want to bother her with my stories besides you guys are more proffesional.

Khrismucm,

i dont mind at all about anything you said and who said i wanted to be a pro 

Thanks for everything guys, i am glad to know i didnt break the rules and dont worry about holding anything back i can take it.

[Andail]

Hm...bumping a thread is generally wrong, unfortunately.

One exception might be if the thread contains some very important information, and was pushed off the first page because an abnormally high amount of new threads were started/replied to in a very short time.

This thread has had its time and opportunity, and does not deserve any special treatment.

So, no bumping in the future.

[LGM]

Hey dude, I agree with the others. Read her through yourself before you make her go live. It's a very nice start, and there are moments where I can tell you've got some talent.

If you ask me, your style is rather reminiscent of Hemingway, but don't get too cocky because I said that because your grammar needs some work.

Good start! Give her a few weeks and rewrite rewrite rewrite. Fitzgerald rewrote almost every sentence in "The Great Gatsby" at least 6 times. Chew on that for a bit.