ANGELO DEADHAND and the Case of the Grimacing Weasel

[mkennedy]

> Trick badguy into revealing his plans by appealing to his maniacal ego.

> cough blood in badguy's eyes or mask visor and when he goes to wipe it off stab him in the neck with the pen.

[discordance]

>Decry the limitations of the parser

GODDAMN PARSERS NO RESPECT I TELL YOU WHAT BACK IN MY DAY

>Decry the brutality of the game

At least it's not as bad as that one time in - actually yeah, this is pretty much the worst.

>Decry the criminal element of society

You could never do that! The criminal elements are why you have a job. Of course, they're also why you were just shot twice. You have to take the good with the bad.

>write "fuck you, man" with your blood on the nearest surface

Finding it difficult to speak, you decide to write a message in blood instead. That turns out to be more complicated than you expected. You settle for flipping him the bird.

>use your transponder to send a HALP!!!111 message

You hit the emergency button on your transponder.

Hopefully someone gets that.

> Trick badguy into revealing his plans by appealing to his maniacal ego.

"So," you cough. "I suppose you think you're pretty smart, setting all this up."

He shoots the window again. It explodes in a flurry of shattered glass. "Pleasure meeting you," he says, scooping up the data device from the floor. He jumps out the window. Apparently that's the end of that.

In fact, it seems to be the end of you too. Your vision is starting to swim. You see black spots. Then darkness.

..................

It's not easy being the Primary Emergency Responder for the Future City Secret Police. In fact, it's probably the hardest, most dangerous job there is. At least, that's what you tell women at the bar every night, usually minutes before sliding into a drunken stupor. You are JIMMY WATERLOO, and there is one hour left in your late night shift. You're counting the minutes.

You are in your OFFICE, sitting at your DESK in front of your COMPUTER TERMINAL. There is a NEW DOCUMENT open, in which you have typed: Official Report - Captain Paisley. You've been staring blankly at the screen ever since.

>

[mkennedy]

> inventory
> look self
> look OFFICE
> look desk
> look COMPUTER

[CaptainD]

>Check for incoming Emergency Signals  8)

[discordance]

> inventory

You are carrying:
- police uniform (worn)
- police station master key

> look self

You are roguishly good looking.

> look OFFICE

Most of the room is filled up with the EMERGENCY RESPONSE PANEL, which tracks agents in the field in real time and allows you to instantly assess when one is in danger. There's also your DESK, and the COMFY SWIVEL CHAIR in which you are reclining. The exit is to the NORTH.

> look desk

On your desk is a pile of PAPERWORK (which you have been persistently ignoring), a BOTTLE OF PEPSI (actually about 15% Pepsi and 85% vodka - so far, Captain Paisley hasn't noticed), your COMPUTER, a PHOTOGRAPH, a number of UNSHARPENED PENCILS, a vase of WILTED FLOWERS, a DESKTOP PHONE, and a GUN LOVERS MAGAZINE.

> look COMPUTER

It's pretty standard police stuff. Right now, you're supposed to be using it to compose your Official Report to Captain Paisley, explaining why last week's job ended in so many explosions. The truth is that's just how you roll. Concealing this truth from Paisley has become increasingly difficult.

>Check for incoming Emergency Signals

You have a look at the EMERGENCY RESPONSE PANEL. An Emergency would be a perfect excuse to avoid filling out any paperwork tonight! Sadly, you've never really learned how to read the panel. It's just a bunch of flashing lights as far as you're concerned.

Your DESK PHONE rings.

[CaptainD]

>Mutter in annoyed fashion
>Answer telephone

[discordance]

>Mutter in annoyed fashion

These people with their telephones, always trying to talk about things. It drives you crazy.

>Answer telephone

You scoop up the phone. "Yup."

"Waterloo. This is Captain Paisley."

Goddammit. "What a pleasure to hear from you, Captain," you say in the most respectful tone you can conjure up.

"Waterloo, we have a situation. You've probably noticed that an agent has activated his Emergency Signal."

You swivel around and look at the EMERGENCY RESPONSE BOARD. There are certainly some lights on there. "Right. Yes. Who did you say it was again?"

"It's Angelo Deadhand."

"...Oh."

"Listen up, Waterloo," Paisley snaps, "you are literally the only operative on duty tonight, so you're going to have to go out. It's a low risk operation, the idiot probably just stubbed his toe or something and wants a Band-Aid. Get in there, ensure that the area is secure, radio in a medical chopper if it's absolutely necessary. I've got a chopper waiting for you on the helipad. Suit up and get out there. And Waterloo!"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Do NOT use the Exoskeleton! This is a low-risk, LOW-PROFILE operation. The Standard Operating Suit will suffice. I'll say it one more time: NO EXOSKELETON! Is that clear?"

"Perfectly clear," you say, as sarcastically as possible. Paisley hangs up. You sigh dramatically.

[qptain Nemo]

>put on an exoskeleton
>wobble
>grab the essential items you take on every operation and some medical aid
>head to the helicopter

[discordance]

>put on an exoskeleton

I don't see an exoskeleton here.

>wobble

Hey, you're perfectly steady on your feet! Mostly. Maybe you waddle a little.

>grab the essential items you take on every operation and some medical aid

I don't see any essential items I take on every operation and some medical aid here! Wait, actually, there's the bottle of Pepsi-vodka.

You scoop it up.

>head to the helicopter

You head out the office door.

You are in the HALLWAY. To the south is your OFFICE. To the east is the ARMORY. To the north is the HELIPAD. To the west are the OTHER OFFICES that you don't care about and never visit.

[CaptainD]

>Goto Armory
>Find Exoskeleton
>Failing that, find Standard Operational Suit

[mkennedy]

> have a look around the armory

> look at each of the items in the armory

> think "My gut tells me that Angelo is in serious trouble! I better send a fully equipped medical chopper with a crack team of the finest doctors!"

[discordance]

>Goto Armory

You saunter into the ARMORY. Of all the rooms in the world, this is your second favourite.

>Find Exoskeleton

The Exoskeleton is in its usual place, propped up on a special stand and surrounded by high-security locks and safeguards.

It's so beautiful.

>Failing that, find Standard Operational Suit

The Standard Operational Suit is hanging on the wall. It is boring and lame. You can't stand to look at it for more than a few seconds.

> have a look around the armory

In one corner is the WEAPONS RACK, where you keep all your weapons. You've been accruing guns for years now, and you have quite a collection. You saunter up and fondly admire your favourites. There's the pair of 9mm automatic pistols you had custom-made by a gunsmith you discovered in a tiny shop in the Lower City. There's a 20-gauge semi-automatic shotgun that you painted with a fancy flame decal on a quiet day in the office. There's your trusty assault rifle with an underslung grenade launcher that you attached with duct tape. And your collection of sniper rifles, one for every day of the week, and two for Sundays. You have a lot of guns basically.

> think "My gut tells me that Angelo is in serious trouble! I better send a fully equipped medical chopper with a crack team of the finest doctors!"

As you're admiring the rack of weapons, you are struck by a sudden premonition. You and Angelo worked together for a number of years, and you like to think that a kind of rapport developed between you. Right now, you have a feeling he's in big trouble. Maybe the BIGGEST trouble. You consider asking Paisley to send a fully stocked medical chopper along, just in case.

Nah, better stick to protocol on this one. You can call in the medical chopper if you need it. Knowing Angelo, he probably just bumped the button on the transponder by mistake, and you'll end up having an awkward confrontation and then leaving in a huff.

[CaptainD]

>Tale Exoskeleton
>Wear Exoskeleton
>Think how much trouble you're going to get into with the boss for wearing the Exoskeleton
>Think it's worth it to wear the Exoskeleton
>Think how likely it is that this post might do well in search engine results for "Exoskeleton"
>Take enough weapons to make Neo feel embarrassed

[discordance]

>Tale Exoskeleton

I don't know how to tale.

>Wear Exoskeleton

(Taking it first)

You undo the locks and step, almost reverently, into the Exoskeleton. It folds around you with a hiss of pneumatic joints and powered pistons. You slide your fingers into the gloves. You lock your feet into the boots. The display visor closes over your face. You are no longer merely one man. You have the strength of ten.

>Think how much trouble you're going to get into with the boss for wearing the Exoskeleton

You can't understand why Paisley hates the Exoskeleton so much. Or rather, why he hates it when you're wearing it. Sure, it's not exactly subtle. Sure, it causes buckets of explosive collateral damage. Sure, you still haven't fully explained the LAST disaster. Sure, he's probably going to yell at you and maybe punch some things. Maybe you should stop thinking about this.

>Think it's worth it to wear the Exoskeleton

It's like slipping into a pair of comfy pajamas. It's practically your second skin.

You regret nothing.

>Think how likely it is that this post might do well in search engine results for "Exoskeleton"

Thoughts like this are a little too meta even for you.

>Take enough weapons to make Neo feel embarrassed

You scan the weapon rack, trying to decide which weapons to take. Eventually, you settle for all of them.

[CaptainD]

>W
>N

Now, unless I'm much mistaken, you are in the HELIPAD

>Look
>If nothing interesting to do, ENTER HELICOPTER

[discordance]

>W

You are now in the HALLWAY. Exits are north, south and east.

>N

You step out onto the HELIPAD. Robbie is already waiting in the chopper. You wave. His mouth drops open.

"Christ, Jimmy," he says. "Could you have any more guns strapped to your body?"

"Probably not!" you yell cheerfully. "Are we ready to blast off?"

"Hop in!"

>Look

You are at the HELIPAD. Beyond the guard rail is a fifty-story drop to the LOWER CITY. You are surrounded by the blazing neon and shrieking sky-trains of FUTURE CITY.

The HELICOPTER is here. Robbie is at the controls, waiting for you to get in.

To the south is the SECRET POLICE STATION ENTRANCE.

>If nothing interesting to do, ENTER HELICOPTER

You can't think of anything interesting to do, so you jump in. Robbie fires up the engine. Moments later, you are weaving your way through the towers and transit rails of the city, heading upward.

The chopper lands in front of the MAGICAL WONDERS HOTEL AND CASINO. You hop out. "Just call me up whenever you're ready for extraction," Robbie yells over the roar of the propeller blades, and then he flies away.

You are standing on the LANDING PAD. To the north is the CASINO ENTRANCE.

[mkennedy]

> Look Exoskeleton

> Track down Angelo and pray that I'm not too late!

[CaptainD]

>Enter Casino
>Chat up pretty receptionist
>Remember what you're here for
>Point guns at receptionist and demand access to penthouse

[discordance]

> Look Exoskeleton

You admire the EXOSKELETON. It is a framework of complicated rods, pistons, and wires, enfolding your entire body. Wearing the Exoskeleton, you can lift enormous weights, jump vast distances, punch through walls, and withstand massive impacts. It strengthens your spine and automatically injects medicine in emergency situations. It also makes every one of your footsteps into a floor-shaking, cup-rattling seismic event.

You love this thing so much.

> Track down Angelo and pray that I'm not too late!

You have to track down Angelo before it's too late! Whatever "too late" means, since you still have no idea what's happening to him. It's a good plan, but a little too nebulous to enact immediately. You need specifics.

>Enter Casino

You open the front door. It swings open with a loud CRASH. You sometimes forget your own strength in this thing.

The receptionist's jaw drops.

>Chat up pretty receptionist

You stomp up to the counter and grin seductively. "Evening, sweetie," you say. "How you doin?"

Her jaw is still hanging open.

>Remember what you're here for

Oh right, Angelo.

>Point guns at receptionist and demand access to penthouse

You grab two guns at random and point them at her. "I don't want to cause any trouble," you say. "I just need to get into the penthouse. So if you could tell me where that is, and give me a key or something, that would be great."

Her jaw is still hanging open. Her hand trembling violently, she passes a KEYCARD across the counter. You snatch it up.

You realize that a small crowd is gathering in the lobby. They're all staring at you. You can't imagine why.

Oh, right. It's because you're awesome.

[CaptainD]

>Enjoy the moment
>Goto LIFT
>Use KEYCARD in LIFT
>Enter Penthouse and LOOK
>Laugh at any feeble attempts there may be to damage you in your AWESOME exoskeleton